VOD Review: Carnage Park (2016)

"A better than average Grindhouse throwback."

(aka The Ballad of Scorpion Joe.)
Release Date: July 1st.
Country: USA.
Rating: NR.
Written by: Mickey Keating.
Directed by: Mickey Keating.
Starring: Ashley Bell, Pat Healy, James Landry Herbert, and Alan Ruck.

Carnage Park is a movie that could have been easily dismissible as a style-over-substance sort of thing (and maybe it still is) were it not guided by the unique voice of Mickey Keating. With Ritual, POD, Darling, and now Carnage Park, the writer director has not only shown that he has something different to say (and show) with his movies, but he's gotten better at doing it with each outing.
 

After Scorpion Joe and his partner Weefus (or something like that) botch a bank robbery, they hightail it to the desert with a hostage in tow; the sweet, vulnerable Vivian. All Vivian wanted was to try and save her Daddy's farm with a quick loan (which the bank quickly put the kibosh on), but instead she gets kidnapped by two half-assed criminals. Things just never seem to go right for her.

THERE'S SOMEONE BLEEDING TO DEATH IN THE BACKSEAT.

To make matters worse, they've botched the escape without knowing it too, as they end up on a remote stretch of land nicknamed "Carnage Park" which is essentially a killing ground for an unbalanced sniper named Wyatt. Wyatt kills passers-by for fun, because the scorching desert sun has done something to his brain, and he's bored living all alone way out in the middle of nowhere.

HE'S NOT A SMART MAN, BUT HE KNOWS WHAT MURDER IS.

So with the bank leaving her Daddy to hang out to dry; a couple of jerks kidnapping her; and then another creepy asshole trying to kill her, Vivian kinda snaps and decides that if she's going down, she's going down fighting. So she does. Fight, that is.

AND AS IT TURNS OUT, SHE'S PRETTY GOOD AT FIGHTING.

Carnage Park started off rocky for us, as it felt like a 70's Grindhouse Throwback that tried to be a bit too Tarantino for our tastes. To be quite honest with you, the only one who can do Tarantino is Tarantino, and even his movies feel like he's trying to do him sometimes. The cheap imitators are usually just painful to watch.

Once it got going though, and got past the quirky characters trying to deliver memorable, over-nuanced lines, Carnage Park turned into a lean, mean Backwoods Survival flick. This movie plays like part Reservoir Dogs, and part any other Backwoods Horror flick (Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn), with a liberal dose of Wolf Creek thrown in for good measure. The ending also reminded us a lot of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. There clearly are a lot of other films that have influenced writer/director Mickey Keating in the making of this one, and the melding of styles makes it feel like a new twist on a familiar tale, at the very least.

Ashley Bell, who has made quite a nice career for herself by starring in smaller, more Indie genre flicks, makes for a capable heroine in this one. She goes from vulnerable to fierce with ease, and she's really a better actress than some of her "not so good" movies would lead you to believe. Pat Healy is one of our faves, and he also knocks it out of the park here. I think I prefer him playing the good guy, but he plays bad in a very convincing manner. 

IS SHE TRYING TO CHLOROFORM HERSELF?

There's a decent amount of gore in Carnage Park, including, but not limited to: bear trap violence; gun violence; and seeping gut wounds.

OUCH.

Nope. Ashely Bell don't play that.

SHE COULD THOUGH. SHE TOTALLY COULD.

Mickey Keating is a unique voice in a Genre that needs them, and he should be headed for big things.

ASHELY BELL HAS A UNIQUE VOICE TOO, WHICH SHE USUALLY USES TO  SCREAM. 

Carnage Park is a throwback Grindhouse flick that boasts two great lead performances, an ample amount of gritty violence, an effective visual style, and all kinds of tension. It's also very quirky and nuanced, so if Tarantino-esque movies annoy you, this one may not be for you.

If you like quirky and different though, this one is well worth a rental.

C+

Carnage Park is available on VOD, and in limited theaters now.

Ashley Bell is lovely, and she always delivers the goods.

DVD Review: Machete (2010)

"They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!"

Bloody, comically violent, and just plain all around awesome, Machete is definitely a movie for Horror fans.

Originally a trailer sandwiched between the two Grindhouse movies for a goof, people loved it so much that Robert Rodriguez (El Hefe), went ahead and made it a full length feature. That's why Rodriguez is so awesome; he just gets what cool is, says screw it, and goes for it. He's a Fanboy at heart, and he makes movies for other Fanboys. You have to respect the hell out of that.

Maybe the best part of the whole Machete project is that finally, after being awesome for so many years in so many smaller roles, Danny Trejo is the lead in his own movie. The guy has been in more that 250 productions over the course of his career, and it's hard for us to think of a guy who deserves it more, so nice job, Danny. Nothing but love.

Below, we offer 10 reasons (aside from the movie's wall-to-wall action and bloody mayhem) that will compel you to go see Machete asap. You really should go. Genre flicks like this need our support, else we be deluged by nothing but endless Saw sequels and prissy Vampire movies. Check it out:

Reason #1- Robert Rodriguez makes awesome movies. The guy knows what we fanboys want, and he gives it to us without fail, every time he steps behind the camera. Spy Kids doesn't count. He also named his kids Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon, which definitely ups his coolness level. El Hefe is as based as it gets.

Reason #2- Danny Trejo. The guy is the personification of the word bad-ass. Name a movie of his that he wasn't awesome in. You can't! Oh yeah, and he's also 66-years-old and would still beat your ass with one finger. 66-years-old. The guy is amazing.

Reason #3- Danny Trejo. Again. Not only is he bad-ass in all of his flicks, but he's an awesome guy to boot. The guy loves Pit Bulls, and volunteers his time to save them, and even dig them out of the snow. I saw that on TV, no joke. In a way Trejo and the Pit Bull are alike in that both are perceived as mean and nasty, but are genuinely good and kind creatures. I was going to say sweet or loving, because Pits really are as sweet as anything, but it felt like I was gaying-out for Danny Trejo a little. I think you get the point.

Reason #4- Jessica Alba. Man or woman, straight or gay, you know you'd fuck her. She can act too. Good lord what I'd give to be that ice cream cone... except for the melting part. That would be painful.

Reason #5- Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to El Jefe mentioned above.) Not only was she Ana Lucia on L O S T, but she looked really damn good in this movie. Also, she's hot.

Reason #6- Deniro. Nuff' said.

Reason #7- Don Johnson. Come on, the guy is Sonny "Motherfucking" Crockett for Pete's sake, I think it's a Cardinal Sin not to love him.

Reason #8- Steven Seagal. Not only is it fun(ny) to watch him act, but you can tell by looking a him that he loves ham. Anyone that loves ham that much is alright by me.

Reason #9- The acting ability of Lindsay Lohan. LOL. Sorry, I can't say that without laughing. How does she keep getting work? Oh yeah. The tits. I digress.

Reason #10- Robert Rodriguez's nieces. Do I really need to explain it to you?

Machete is a pure adrenaline rush of Grindhouse insanity. It's all done in a self aware manner, because it's an homage to the cheesy (yet fantastic) action flicks of decades gone by. If you can't watch this movie and have a shitload of fun while doing so, then I'm not really sure where your head is at.

This movie has been graded A for Awesome.

Machete? He banged them.

Review: Pearblossom (2010)

There's no way for me to sit here and try to say that Pearblossom is a good movie. It's got some clever moments, some effective moments, and it's laced with all sorts of eye candy, but for the most part it's a bit... haphazard?

It's hard for me to put my finger on why, but I know that this is a movie that I should absolutely dislike. So then why did I find myself enjoying it? I'll tell you why: Sophie Monk is one reason. She's hotter than rocks in the desert, and for some reason I really think she carries herself well on screen. She can also act. Plus, she's really, really hot. The lips, the boobs, her "I would make you cry in bed" attitude... I am just all about her.

Bad girl!

Another reason? Lesbianism. Sophie Monk and her visually-pleasing female costars make out and grope each other all over the place in Pearblossom, and what's not to love about that?

The plot is interesting but sloppy, some of the acting is cringe-worthy, and I don't know what the point of the whole thing was, but I'll be damned if I didn't have a smile on my face when the credits started rolling. 

I'm going to let pictures say the rest for me, as they will get my point across fear better than words will, so here are 10 reasons why this movie made me smile:

Scout Taylor-Compton playing a whore. Again.

Hot chicks killing people.

God is a hot lesbian?

Girls kissing girls. Tons of it.

The fat kid from Son in Law!

Sophie Monk's face.

Sophie Monk's attitude.

Sophie Monk's boobs.

Sophie Monk's refusal to wear a bra when she's cold.

Did I mention girls kissing girls?

If you like Grindhouse-ish, sleazy flicks with little to offer other than hot chicks and a small bit of blood and gore, check this one out. I say you should see it just to support Sophie Monk. She deserves the love.

Sophie, Scouty, and Anya; the girls of Pearblossom (Life Blood.)