VOD Review: The Houses October Built 2 (2017)

"Cool haunted houses, but everything else is pure aggravation."

We really loved The Houses October Built (review HERE.) It wasn't a perfect movie, but it had a great premise, some creepy locations, and Blue Skeleton felt terrifyingly real. It captured the Halloween spirit well, and it made for a good October watch.

With this sequel though, the events of the first movie are rendered obsolete, and any promise of any sort of chills or thrills are thrown out the window, because we were cheated once, so chances are that we're about to be cheated again.

What a shame too, because this series had some solid franchise potential.


*There will be spoilers below, so proceed with caution.

It's been a year since our gang of five friends drove across America to find the best, most extreme Haunted House that they could. That little excursion ended with them being stalked by a mysterious group called Blue Skeleton, who killed four of them, and buried the fifth, Brandy, alive. But wait... it turns out that everything the friends experienced was part of the most extreme haunt of all time, and they're all still alive.

THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL.

A year later Brandy lives in a secluded spot, still traumatized by the events of her Blue Skeleton run-in. The rest of her pals have gained a bunch of Internet fame, and have decided to once again hit the road to find the country's most extreme haunts, and milk their half-assed fame for every penny that they can. Since the guys are all tools, it's really Brandy that the world wants to see, but she refuses to go with them, because she's frigging traumatized.

YOUR FRIENDS ARE TOOLS, DITCH THEM.

She eventually gives in and decides to go with them (she likes money too), and they head off on a new adventure, recording everything they do. Blue Skeleton is also recording everything they do, because it's apparent that the creepy gang wants another go at them. This time though, there are twists and turns coming that no one could possibly ever imagine.

Unless you watch the movie for like 20 minutes, then you'll get what's going on. 

LOOKS LIKE FUN.

This sequel is basically the same movie as the first one, only devoid of any legitimate scares. It's Longer, and it has some plot twists that differ from the first one, but it's basically the same exact movie. Oh, and the characters are less likable too. And there are NO SCARES.

The thing that I don't get about this movie is that it opens with the events of the first movie being an elaborate Haunted House experience in which nobody dies, which pretty much negates the power of the whole thing. How are you expecting an audience to buy into the "scary" aspects of a sequel, when the first movie pulled the wool over your eyes like that?

Even worse, they do the same thing again here, only in a far more elaborate and silly way. Are we really supposed to believe that a girl who was so traumatized searching for the most extreme haunt in the country is going to go on that same search the very next year, because her asshole friends want to go viral and make some money? And when the end arrives, and we finally see whether things are real or not this time, or part of another immersive, extreme haunt experience, we're treated to a silly twist followed by another head-scratching twist that actually pissed us off.

As good and different as the first one was, this is how you follow it up? How are we supposed to feel scared when we know that the whole thing is a haunted house gag?

RIGHT.

There are a few bloody bits towards the end, but aside from some cool effects at some of the visited haunts, this one is relatively dry.

BABYDOLL IS STILL PRETTY COOL THOUGH.

Not that kind of movie, although some of the actors at one of the haunts was kinda naked.

US TOO, HONEY. US TOO.

If you like the real-life haunt footage of the first one, then you'll most likely dig this one too. Unless of course the fact that none of the characters died in the first one irks you, then this sequel will irk you even more, because it follows the same path, with a few different turns.

As for us, we're just going to pretend the first one was the end of the whole mess, and call it a day.

D+

The Houses October Built 2 is available now on VOD.

Brandy Schaefer is the focus of these movies, and deservedly so.

Picturebook Review: Land of Smiles (2017)

"Well, at least it looks pretty."

Originally titled Thai-Sanity (what were they even thinking with that one?), Land of Smiles is a movie that begins with a lot of promise, but never really delivers much other than a bunch of attractive tourists drinking beer and fretting over mysterious emails and videos.

Now, that may seem like a short-sighted view of the movie, which is impressively shot and offers up some really pretty visuals, but it just never really got going Lek it should have. Given the plot, we were expecting some Hostel-like bloodletting, but instead got more of a slow burn mystery that even when solved, left us scratching our heads.

Let's take a look through the Picture Book for Land of Smiles, and see if the movie's visuals can't paint a picture of what the movie has to offer.

Land of Smiles is the story of the gorgeous Alexandra, whose gorgeous best friend, Penny, has gone missing in the gorgeous country of Thailand, aka the Land of Smiles. It seems as if some clown (literally) has abducted Penny, and he's going to kill her if Alexandra doesn't go out and drink herself into a coma. He's instructed her via video emails to go out and have fun and loosen up a bit, so Alexandra, along with some random strangers who join her party posse, hit the town and drink, dance, and have fun!

Because that's what vacation is all about.

SHE WANTS TO TAKE HER TO THE LAND OF VERTICAL SMILES.

GET A ROOM ALREADY.

BUT HE'S ALREADY HAVING A CUPCAKE...

DRINK UP, AMERICAN TOURIST IN A DANGEROUS FOREIGN CITY!

MAYBE EVEN MAKE SOME NEW FRIENDS AND DRINK WITH THEM!

SKIN BREAK.

AND NOW THE TERROR BEGINS!

"OH NO, PENNY! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?"

"WAIT, THIS LOOKS LIKE A MAP TO THE PLACE WHERE..."

"...WE CAN DRINK SOME MORE!"

SHE HAS PREFECT TANK TOP WEARING SKILLS.

AMID CRISIS, THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR A DRINK.

SWEET JESUS, THEY'RE EVEN DRINKING IN A PICTURE FLASHBACK!

MEANWHILE. DRUNKO THE CLOWN'S NEFARIOUS PLAN CONTINUES TO UNRAVEL.

"ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO JUST LET THAT BEER SIT THERE?"

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DRINK 437 BEERS IN THREE DAYS!

THAT'S ABOUT WHERE WE'RE AT.

DON'T WORRY THOUGH, THIS GUY IS GOING TO SAVE THE DAY... BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING.

Land of Smiles is a gorgeous movie to behold, both in its locale and the way it's presented visually, but man is it frustrating in just about every other way. The plot, and especially its resolution, are not only silly, but we don't even get an overabundance of gory kill scenes to make it all worthwhile.

Not horrible, just not very good.

D+

Land of Smiles is available now on import DVD.

These ladies make us smile for sure.

VOD Review: Therapy (2017)

"Not bad, kid."

I'm not big on video subscription service add-ons in general, but I personally signed up for a Shudder subscription just to be able to see this movie. For $5 a month, Shudder delivers a ton of quality titles to choose from, but it's really the obscure ones like Therapy that made it worth my while.

And yes, the fact that Therapy was written and directed by a 16-year-old is a pretty big selling point. Age shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but to see someone so young create something of this quality begs our attention, as it should yours.

When three vandals decide that they're going to do some French graffiti in an abandoned house, the axe-wielding maniac who stalks its hallways takes exception, killing two of them, and tying the youngest of them up, probably because he wants a girlfriend.

THAT'S PROBABLY NOT THE BEST WAY TO GET A GIRLFRIEND...

When the night watchman of the property find the bloody scene, and a box full of video equipment, it's up to two of France's finest to sift through the footage to make sense of what happened there. On those tapes, they watch as five friends head out into the French countryside to pitch a tent in a field, because that's what passes as a fun weekend in France.

FUN FOR THIS GUY, MAYBE.

The camping trip goes well until the gang hears screams in the middle of the night, and decides to go investigate them... although why in the hell anyone with any sense in their head wouldn't pack up, leave the area, and call the Police and let them go investigate the screams is beyond me. They all end up in another old abandoned building, stalked by who we can only guess was the axe guy from the beginning of the movie, and blood is shed.

Can the Cops watch through the footage in time to find and save them? Come on, this is a Horror movie, you don't expect a happy ending, do you?

RUN NOW WHILE YOU HAVE THE CHANCE.

Therapy is a move that I wanted to be excellent, but instead, it ended up being only good. Really good in parts.

When talking about this movie, you almost have to mention the fact that it was written and directed by a 16-year-old kid, Nathan Ambrosioni. I mean, this is a professionally-made movie that has screened internationally and met with positive reviews, so his age is noteworthy here. It's especially noteworthy that at such a young age, Ambrosioni has skills behind the camera. He knows what's scary, and he knows how to put it all together into an effective package. His scriptwriting skills could use some work (his characters are thin, and there are cliches abound), but if this kid is making movies that are this effective now, I can't imagine what he'll be producing with a few more years of tradecraft under his belt.

SHE WON'T BE AROUND TO SEE THEM THOUGH.

This is a claustrophobic movie that utilizes the dark and terrifying atmosphere of its abandoned building setting to the max. Sure, the characters do some stupid shit that makes no sense, but they do it in a creepy locale, and young Nathan Ambrosioni's direction elicits enough dread to make us forgive him for writing stupid characters. The way that Therapy mixes straight forward filming and found footage together was interesting. It may not have worked perfectly (it killed the tension at times), but the way that the movie jumps back and forth between the footage, and the people watching it, kept it fresh. 

All of that said, there's a lot about this movie that makes little to no sense. How is it that the detectives were only able to process and watch a few minutes of the found footage at a time? Is France really that far behind the times? It makes for a nice plot device, but come on, is that the best that you got? And why would you enter that old, creepy ass building in the dead of night? You know the ones that the blood-curdling screams are emanating from? And why was the detective such a train wreck?

The script makes little sense at times. Ignore it, and enjoy the atmosphere.

AND WHY ARE HIS EYEBROWS SO ANGRY?!?

It has its bloody moments, most of them made up of disturbing shots rather than overly-bloody gore gags.

SHE WAS EATING STRAWBERRY PIE.

It's odd to see a French film with nothing in the way of on-screen sexuality, but then it's directed by a 16-year-old kid, so we can understand.

SHE IS NOT NAKED IN THIS PICTURE.

A C+ grade doesn't sound like much of a ringing endorsement, I know, but despite the movie's flaws, it's an engaging, claustrophobic ride that we were happy we experienced. Given that its writer/director was only 16 when he made Therapy, we can forgive him for his shortcomings.

This was an effective little flick that is definitely worth checking out on Shudder.

C+

Therapy is now streaming for free for Shudder subscribers. Click below to check it out.

All relatively unknown, all lovely.