VOD Review: Cabin Fever (2016)

"Shame on you, Eli Roth, for endorsing this shitty, pointless remake of your own movie."

Let's begin this review with this snippet from our review of Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, that I wrote back in 2014:

"The original Cabin Fever (2002) annoyed the hell of us to the point that we nearly walked out of the Theater before it was over. Not sure why, it just rubbed us the wrong way. When we revisited it on DVD a year or so later, we didn't hate it quite so much. Eventually, Cabin Fever grew on us, and it became one of our favorite Genre flicks of the 2000's.

In 2010, Ti West directed the sequel, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. The film's producers and executives re-shot and re-edited so much of the movie, that Ti West petitioned to have his name removed from the credits, and replaced with the infamous Alan Smithee moniker. No matter who is truly to blame for this one, the fact remains that it's a mess of a movie."

I include that snippet because I didn't want to say the exact same thing here, using different words. Plus, I think I'm allowed to plagiarize myself if I want to. If not, I'll probably end up going to prison.

Fast forward to 2014, and there was another Cabin Fever sequel on the horizon, and given our poor initial reaction to the first movie, and how bad the 2nd was one, we new dread. Oddly enough though, we actually enjoyed Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (read our review HERE) for what it was; a gory, bloody, fun, guilty pleasure of a good time.

With that track record, we weren't exactly yearning for a new entry into the Cabin Fever series, and in no way were we ever expecting a remake of the original... and yet here we are, having just watched that ill-advised remake, and we're left asking ourselves "Why us?"

At least this butthole of a cash grab should be the end of the series. At least there's that.

The plot here is the same as the original Cabin Fever: Five friends head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate their college graduation, when they fall victim to a savage, flesh-eating virus that causes them to turn on each other in fear of becoming infected.

That's all you really need to know, and that's all I really want to say. 

THIS IS HOW WE FELT AFTER WATCHING THIS MOVIE.

Whatever possessed Eli Roth to allow a remake of his Cabin Fever, let alone produce it, is beyond us. This remake pales in comparison to the original in just about every way, and depending on whether you loved Roth's 2002 version or hated it, that's either bad news, or very bad news.

It's a serviceable movie in its own right; it boasts some sharp cinematography, the locations were great, and the gore was plentiful and handled fairly well. It also follows the plot of the movie almost to a T, although much of it was changed and played differently.

Gone though is the bizarre and quirky oddness that made the original so weirdly good. Also gone is the dark humor that made it so wickedly (and mindlessly) fun. Most importantly to us, gone are the likable actors that stood out in the original, each in their own way, replaced with a gang of generically good-looking and nearly interchangeable stand-ins.

HOLD ON, GIRL, WE'RE NOT DONE YET.

Some critics will tell you that this is a shot-for-shot remake, but they're wrong. The remake follows the same structure as the original, and there are plenty of scenes (and dialogue) that are exactly the same, but there are just too many differences and omissions here to be able to accurately describe this one as being shot-for-shot.

They used the same script, but there are scenes from the original that have been omitted completely; some of the scenes are handled differently; and there are new scenes and elements that aren't in the original at all.

I don't think they know what shot-for-shot actually means.

WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS?!?

For instance: Dennis doesn't look unique and creepy in this remake. He doesn't yell "Pancakes!" and then start doing his crazy, slow-motion karate flips in mid-air; Deputy Winston isn't oddly affected and nuanced in this one, no, for the remake they made Winston a woman, and one who has an out of place, rapey look in her eyes; there's no cave scene; there's no hospital scene (we missed the creepy bunny); the hillbillies in the original had a "kit" for dealing with the virus, which added a layer of "What the hell is going on here?" to the movie, and that is nowhere to be found here; and the part with the old man in the store with the gun is nowhere to be found, probably because using the N-Word in a movie today would only earn you a Twitter boycott or something, even if that scene is played purely for laughs.

And the inclusion of selfies, posting pics to Facebook, and the "OMG, we have no wifi!" or "OMG, I want to play my video games!" was just annoying, and felt like pandering.

Overall, this movie lacked the humor, style, tone, and quality of the original.

THEY COULD HAVE AT LEAST SHOWN THE DOG RIPPING HER APART OR SOMETHING.

Just like the original, this movie is plenty gory and nasty. Some of the death scenes were handled differently, but they were all nasty and soaked in infected blood and gore, which should at least please the gorehounds out there.

YEP, STILL WET AND MESSY.

Nadine Crocker has two nude scenes, and she looks spectacular in both of them.

SPECTACULAR, I SAY.

If you're going to remake something, especially a movie that isn't that old, then at least bring something new to the table... or just don't do it at all.

"I JUST WANT IT TO BE OVER." US TOO DARLIN. US TOO.

This was a shitty remake of a really good movie, which actually made us appreciate the original even more than we already did. If you haven't seen the original, you might like this one, as it's a serviceable movie in some ways, but just know that it's not as fun, funny, enjoyable, or well-made as the original is.

If you have seen the original, then go watch it again, and forget that this tripe even exists. 

Rent it at your own peril.

D+

Cabin Fever is available now on VOD.

The movie may have been bad, but at least Gage Golightly, Nadine Crocker, and Louise Linton were pleasant to look at.

VOD Review: The Hallow (2015)

This review was originally started back at the beginning of November, but due to a sudden emergency, it was never finished. It doesn't feels a bit light in the middle to me, and without revisiting the movie, there's not much I can add to that section, but I wanted it finished, and so here it is. 

The director of the upcoming remake of The Crow made a movie about evil baby-stealing fairies in the Irish woods? And it stars two fantastic actors from Game of Thrones? And it features the crazy hotness of Bojana Novakovic?

Alright, we're intrigued...

When an English conservationist, his wife, and their newborn baby move to the Irish Countryside to save trees or some such bullshit, they get more than they bargain for! Sounds exciting, right? Well, If you think that fairies, banshees, and other Fair Folk falling upon a couple, stealing their baby, and trying to kill them is exciting, then yes, it is.

"WHY DID WE MOVE TO FUCKING IRELAND?!?"

You see, the Fair Folk in the woods that surround their new home apparently don't like humans all that much. The locals try to warn them about the danger, which you know does no good or there would be no movie, and soon after their arrival, the couple is set upon by the evil Fae of the woods, and not even iron or oatmeal can stop them! *The oatmeal thing is real, btw.

THEY WANT BABIES!

Can Adam save his wife and baby before they turn the wee one into a changeling? Will Roose Bolton help them? Is Bojana Novakovic the hottest Serbian-Australian actress alive? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, but maybe, no, and hell yes.

EYE KNEW THAT NOTHING GOOD WOULD COME OF THIS.

The Hallow was a solid flick that felt more mature than most other Horror movies of its kind; it had a strong ecological message behind it, it focused on a man trying to save his family, and dare we say that it was also about the power of love. It was all a nice break from the standard "kids head off into the woods to party, and die painfully" thing.

It's good to switch up the tropes every once in a while, you know?

"LISTEN, LADY, WHEN I SAY MARCO, YOU HAVE TO SAY POLO!"

This was a well-made movie that boasted some strong performances by its small cast (two of whom are Game of Thrones alumni), and the creatures looked great; we're glad that they used both practical FX as well as CGI instead of totally going the digital route. Also, Bojana Novakovic is hot as sin. SIN!

It was also a fairly creepy movie, although it was probably more of an intense experience than it was a truly scary one. 

It wasn't without its share of overly-familiar tropes, and the plot wanders a bit, but overall this was a solid effort.

BENJEN STARK LIVES! AND HE'S PISSED OFF!

The Hallow is a solid creature feature that spun an interesting story, even if the tropes it used to do so felt overly-familiar at times. I'm not really sure why they don't make movie about evil fairies and other mythical creatures, but after seeing this one, I'd be willing to watch them if they did.

This one is definitely worthy of a rental.

B

The Hallow is available now on VOD.

Bojana Novakovic can get it. 

VOD Review: The Hive (2015)

A young, self-proclaimed douchebag wakes up in a dark room, alone and having been infected by something, which has left him pretty bad shape. He doesn't remember what happened, or how he got there, but by the looks of him and his surroundings, he probably doesn't want to know the answers to those questions anyway.

There are clues all over the walls which he comes to understand are meant to help him remember something, and as his memories slowly begin to return, we're shown flashbacks of his past few days, and how he and his friends came to be in the mess that they're in.

Sticky, black, viral mayhem ensues.

SHE WAS LEGIT CREEPY.

The Hive is a pretty great looking movie, with its gross-out "infected" FX being some of the most original and unique that we've seen. This wasn't a very gory movie (at least not in a traditional way), and there wasn't a lot of violence going on throughout, but the black goo still made for plenty of nastiness that  should keep gorehounds happy, in a roundabout sort of way. You can tell that the director came from a music Video Background, because the whole thing is very slick, and even nuanced, in places.

We also really liked Katheryn Prescott as Katie. We've been fans of hers since she was on the British TV Show, Skins, and it's good to see her in something new again, as she's a great little actress who brings something special to whatever she stars in. Gabrielle Walsh was also pretty good as Jess, and was sufficiently creepy once she was in full "hive" mode.

Overall though, The Hive is a movie that is big on ideas, but very small on coherent quality.

SHE'S STILL DREAMING OF NAOMI...

It's like the director of had a movie marathon that included Memento, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Puppet Masters, the Evil Dead Remake, Cabin Fever, and a season or two of some shitty teen drama on MTV (pick whichever one you like, they're all the same), and then decided that it would be cool to combine them all into one movie that involved gallons upon gallons of black goo, a bunch of flashbacks, and a shit ton of exposition to explain it all to the audience.

Instead of being an effective Horror movie that has a love story at its heart, it ends up being a jumbled, unfocused, obnoxious mess that jumps back and forth so much, that at one point we didn't even care what was happening anymore... which sucked for us, because most of the movie involves the characters of Adam standing around and explaining to us what is going on. Out loud. We also get to see plenty of Adam's memories (both his own, and the ones belonging to other people that he can access through the hive mind), all of which serve to further explain to us what is going on.

THE FX IN THIS MOVIE WERE PRETTY FANTASTIC THOUGH.

Maybe in the hands of experienced writers who could craft a straight-forward, smart, engaging script, this movie's plot could have lived up to its potential. Then again, that would require a director who could bring those same qualities to the directing chair, which this movie didn't have either. David Yarovesky is aces when it comes to visual style, and thinking outside of the box, but he's got to work on making the stories that he wants to tell more coherent. I mean, he doesn't have to, but he really, really should.

THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH US WATCHING THE HIVE.

As excited as we were to see The Hive, we're even more disappointed that it turned out the way that it did. We believe that this movie will find an audience with the younger crowd, but unless you like movies that feel like they could be a pilot episode for a new teen drama on MTV, then The Hive may not resonate with you in the same way. It certainly didn't with us.

C-

The Hive is available now on VOD.

Kathryn Prescott stole the show in this one.