Blu-ray Review: Deep Red (1975)

"This is Argento at his best."

(aka La, La, La, La.)
Release Date: March 7th, 1975.
Country: Italy.
Rating: X.
Written by: Dario Argento and Bernardino Zapponi.
Directed by: Dario Argento.
Starring: David Hemmings, Daria Nicolodi, Gabriele Lavia, and Nicoletta Elmi.

If you've hear us, or anyone else talk about Giallo films, but have yet to experience one, then Deep Red is an excellent place to start your education. In fact, it may be THE place to start, as very few other Gialli can match it in terms of quality.

In prologue, we see one shadow on the wall stab another shadow on the wall to death to the tune of a creepy song, and hear a child screaming, having witnessed it all. It's pretty safe to assume that that child is going to grow up to be the killer.

NICE SOCKS, KID.

Years later, a psychic medium named Helga is performing in a crowded theater when she "senses" an evil, twisted mind in the crowd (who just so happens to be the murdering shadow from the prologue.) When Helga begins to recall the murder in detail, the killer freaks out and leaves. Fearing that they'll be unmasked, they follow Helga home, and kill her Italian Horror style.

SHADOWY FIGURES WITH HATS AND BLACK GLOVES; EVERY GIALLO'S GOT ONE.

Marcus, a local pianist who lives in the same building, is out for a walk when he hears Helga's screams. He rushes to her aid, but gets there too late to save her. While being questioned by the Police, Marcus recalls something about one of the paintings in the hallway which might be a clue, but how, or why!?! *It's best not to ask to many questions during a movie like this, because the answers almost never make any rational sense.

HE GOT THERE JUST IN TIME. OR NOT.

Obsessed with solving Helga's murder (because that's what piano players in Italy do), Marcus delves deep into the mysteries surrounding the case... which leads him to the origins of the creepy La, La, La, La Song... which leads him to an author who wrote a story about the murder... which leads him to the house where the murder took place... which leads him to a school... alright, it leads him to like 50 different places and conclusions, none of which are good for his mortality rate.

The high water mark for Giallo films ensues.

NOW HE'S STARTING TO GET IT.

Deep Red is considered by many to be the best Giallo film ever made. Whether that's true or not is a matter of opinion (at least to a point), but we can say that it's at the very least pretty damned close. This is also (arguably) Argento's best movie, and the first one where he truly gave us the gore that he became so famous for in later years.

The thing that made the Argento films of old so damned great was that they dripped style and atmosphere like no other. The long, moving camera shots; the haunting and creepy music; the visceral gore; the tension; the use of color; the cheesy dialogue, the cheesy acting; the less-than-coherent, overly-complicated plots; the abrupt, freeze-frame endings... it's a magical combo that for some reason always works, and Dario Argento orchestrated it better than most.

Deep Red is a masterful whodunit with enough blood and gore to keep it twisted and nasty.

WHAT IS HE EVEN FOCUSING ON?

What in the hell was with that creepy little girl? That poor lizard!

IT SEEMS LIKE NICOLETTA ELMI WAS IN EVERY CREEPY ITALIAN HORROR FLICK IN THE 70'S.

Always with the damn dolls!

RUN, BITCH. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND GET SOME HELP!

There's some shadow murder; some stabbing; a lizard impaled by a pin; a woman impaled on some glass; a drowning that involves some nasty third degree burns; a guy gets stabbed in the neck; a smashed head; a gut stabbing; some teeth being bashed in... there's plenty of blood and gore, 70's Italian Horror style, to be had here.

SHE PROBABLY GOT THE WORST OF IT.

No nudity in this one, but there was almost an impromptu gay threesome.

A METAPHOR FOR HOMOSEXUAL PANIC?

This is how Giallo is supposed to be done. Also, watch out for closeted gay alcoholic pianists, because they apparently have secrets. They're also very sassy and precocious.

THAT'S JUST HORRIBLE ADVICE.

On of the best Horror movies of all-time, Giallo or not, Deep Red is a must see for any self-respecting Horror fan. You'll be hard pressed to find another movie of its type that plays as slick, stylish, and eerie as this one does, and while it's not my personal favorite Argento flick, it might just be his best.

If you've yet to see this classic of Italian Horror Cinema, then you should give it a spin on Blu-ray, as that's the best way to see it. Blu-ray is always the way.

A+

Deep Red is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Daria Nicolodi and Macha Meril are in this.

Blu-ray Review: The Cat o' Nine Tails (1971)

"This is Argento at his mediocre best."

(aka Cookie!)
Release Date: May 21st, 1971.
Country: Italy.
Rating: NR.
Written by: Dario Argento and Dardano Sarccetti.
Directed by: Dario Argento.
Starring: Karl Malden, James Franciscus and Catherine Spaak. 

There's nothing quite like a good, classic Giallo film, is there?

Alright, so this one isn't necessarily a "good" Giallo film, but it certainly isn't a bad one either. It is kind of a dull one though, and certainly the least effective one that Dario Argento ever made.

Old, blind Cookie and his 7-year-old niece Lisa are out for a leisurely stroll at midnight (?!?), when Cookie overhears someone in a car talking about blackmail. Later, while he's working on a blind person-friendly crossword puzzle, he hears a commotion outside which ends up being a shadowy, mysterious figure knocking out a security guard. That figure then breaks into the Terzi research institute, ransacks some files, and then runs away when some Doctor sees him.

COOKIE TAKES A WALK WITH A SMALL CHILD WHENEVER HE WANTS!

As the Police investigate the Terzi break in, Cookie launches his own investigation with the help of new friend, reporter Carlo Giuseppe. Carlo is a bit of a ladies man, which draws the dead-eyed Anna Terzi to him, which leads to romantic milk drinking, a catatonic stare-off, and some of the worst sex ever. Then, someone starts murdering everybody. As the bodies around them begin to pile up, it becomes a race against time to discover who the killer is, before everyone, even sweet little Lisa, ends up one of his victims.

This is the nonsensical beauty of Italian Horror.

HE'S NOT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT ANYTHING.

The Cat o' Nine Tails may not be the best Giallo that Argento has made, but it is at least a fairly serviceable one. It was only his second feature-length movie, so the man was still playing around with all of the style/color/gore elements that would one day become his cinematic signature. He was experimenting with this one, and while that's something that is made painfully obvious by the movie's inconsistent tone and long-winded plot, it also gives a glimpse into the Master of Horror that Argento would become only a few short years later.

As with most Italian Horror movies of the 70's and 80's, especially Argento films, it's the atmosphere that make this one a compelling watch though, so we can forgive the move its other trespasses.

COOKIE REALLY NEEDS TO GET SOME FRIENDS HIS OWN AGE.

The movie is a bit dull; has far more character development and exposition than it does any kind of action or Horror elements; and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, with all of its plot twists and complexities. It just doesn't have the same bite that many later Argento flicks have.

We also get yet another nonsensical, freeze-frame ending, which was so popular with many Italian Horror flicks of old.

THIS IS THE PROTOTYPE FOR AN iPAD, CIRCA 1971.

WTF was going through Argento's mind when he came up with that sex scene? "Come sit down and drink some milk with me while we stare at each other. After that we can fall all over each other like lifeless mannequins for 48 seconds, and then call it a night."

THAT PASSION. THAT EMOTION.

This is not one of Argento's bloodier efforts, not by a long shot, but it does offer a few decent kill scenes. Tame stuff though.

THAT'S NOT HOW YOU CATCH A TRAIN.

Catherine Spaak bears it all in one of the oddest, most un-sexy sex scenes in movie history. We honestly thought that her character had died mid-coitus, and the dude just said "Screw it, I'm not stopping!"

WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT IS MORE DISTRACTING: THE 1000-YARD STARE, OR THAT EFFING HAIRDO.

Few do Gialli better than Dario Argento, even when he doesn't completely hit the mark.

"HOW DARE YOU TRY TO IGNORE THE CLEFT ON MY CHIN!"

If this is your first venture into Argento Land, I'd recommend that you start with the far superior Deep Red, or maybe even The Bird With the Crystal Plumage, before giving this one a go. Overall though, The Cat o' Nine Tails is a solid (if uninspired and plodding) trip through the world of Giallo, and one that hints at the future greatness of Dario Argento.

Since it comes in a Blu-ray 3-pack with Deep Red and Inferno, it's definitely worth owning. On its own though, you may want to begin somewhere else, and then come back to this one once you've got more Giallo experience under your belt.

C+

Cat o' Nine Tails is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

The hotties were special in the 70's, especially those of the Italian variety. The third pic down is of Cinzia De Carolis, the actress who played little Lisa in Cat o' Nine Tails. She grew up alright.

Dracula 3D (2013)

It makes us so sad to hate on a movie given to us by Master of Horror, Dario Argento, but good God was his adaptation of the Dracula legend a piss-poor one.

The movie definitely contains some of the elements that we've all come to expect from an Argento film; there's plenty of blood and gore, although it mostly comes off as cheesy; there's plenty of nudity, including a scene in which the director's daughter is involved in a sponge bath with another hot and equally naked chick (creepy move, Dad); and the dialogue is cheesy and goofy, as it usually is in many Italian Horror flicks of old.

So many aspects of this movie fall right in line with the status quo of the Italian Horror world. Fine by us.

The thing is though, that Dracula 3D in no way feels like an Argento movie, nor does it feel like any sort of viable Dracula movie, for that matter. It's really not even that good of a Vampire flick, if we're being honest here.

This picture just about says it all...

Do I really need to explain the plot of a Dracula movie to you?

He's a Vampire. He bites people, turning them into vampires. His hot Vampire Chick minions run around doing the same thing. Van Helsing is his enemy, and shows up to stop him. People die. Shit gets staked.

That's the plot. You have to already know this on your own.

Rutger Hauer is awesome. The gorgeous Miriam Giovanelli gets naked and is some of the best eye candy we've seen in a long while. There were a few good kills. Did we mention Miriam Giovanelli's boobs?

The Master is all over those...

This movie is a sorry tincture made up of bad acting, even worse writing, and some of the goofiest shit we've seen on film in quite a while. Everything just feels cheap so and haphazard, from the set design to the plotting, even down to the concepts at play. Don't even get me started on the CGI, which was just laughable for the most part; especially the owl. That was bad.

Not even the always entertaining Rutger Hauer showing us as Van Helsing helped things much, although it probably didn't help that 75% of the movie was over by the time he did show up.

And what was with Asia Argento? Over the years she's proven that she's a competent actress at the very least, and yet in this movie she has moments of such horrendous acting ineptitude, that we cringed. Check out the clip below to gain a feel for what I'm talking about:


Doesn't it seem like it was being played for laughs? Was Asia Argento having some sort of seizure during this scene? Did they even watch their dailies?

I guess at the point when Dracula morphs in to a shitty-looking CGI praying mantis, shuffles up some stairs, and kills some poor sap by ramming his pincher through his chest, we pretty much lost all hope that this movie could be redeemed in any way whatsoever. The look he gives Lucy doesn't help things a bit, either.


Really?

There's plenty of blood & gore in this one, most notably a fun scene involving a shovel splitting a head open. The downside is that a lot of the bloodletting in the movie was CGI, and it looked horribly cheap.

Miriam Giovanelli and her naked body are a true revelation. The movie opens with a pretty lengthy sex scene, and there's also a bath scene where Asia Argento gets washed up by another chick.

Dario Argento should probably just stop now. He's more than earned a good rest at this point in his career.

"Hnnngggg!"

If you're interested in checking out Dracula 3D because its the new Argento flick, just skip it, because there's not much Argento going on in this film. If you're interested in checking it out because you're a huge Dracula fanatic, still skip it, because this version of Dracula is an embarrassment to the legend. If you're a Vampire lover that will see and love any film that involves Vampires (no matter how shitty, i.e. Twilight), then definitely check this one out, because you'll love it no matter what.

Dario Argento is old now, and maybe he's just lost too much of his biting edge. The man has paid his Horror dues and made his bones for many decades now, so he certainly has nothing to prove to anyone anymore, but it just hurts to watch someone so talented turn out such an embarrassing movie. Argento has made some cheesy movies before, but they've always managed to at least be stylish and effective.

That is not the case here. Not at all.

We DO NOT WANT!

Who in the hell is this Miriam Giovanelli girl, and where has she been all our lives? She is ridiculously gorgeous, and we need more of her asap. Also, Asia Argento is still pretty hot too.