Reveiw: Coming Soon (2008)

Not bad at all, Thailand...

Cast Members of Note- Vorakarn Rojjanavatchra and Chantavit Danasevi. I dare you to say those names 5 times fast... or just try to say them at any speed.

Some creepy old bitch named Chaba is kidnapping children from her village and doing some messed up shit to them; stabbing them in their eyes, gouging their eyes out, flicking them in the eyes... she's got some serious issues, especially with eyes. The local villagers eventually catch up with her, beat her mercilessly, kick her in the neck, and hang her while they call her all sorts of names like "Creepy old bitch."

Chaba!

But wait... it's just a movie! Oh thank god, for a minute there, I was so scared for those poor little blind Thai kids... Then again, everyone at the theater who sees the movie becomes haunted by Chaba, and get their eyes fucked with, so I guess it's still pretty creepy. At least the kids are safe though.

She's not safe.

Shane and Som work at the Thai multiplex that's showing the only print of the movie, along with Som's brother, Dong. Both of them are trying to pirate the movie for Thai gangsters, while Shane just wants to get Som. See, the chicks name is Som, and she's hot, so he wants to get Som(e)... get it? Never mind.

Som.

When Dong disappears, along with co-workers Fong, Wing, Ping, PC Bang and Pete, all hell breaks loose, and it's a race against time to stop the evil of Chaba before it consumes them all. Something tells me that this isn't going to end well for anyone except Chaba.

Chaba, you old ho!

Ok, the beginning of this movie creeped me out to no end. To be honest, this whole movie was rather eerie, and filled with some pretty tense scenes, but that beginning scene... As jaded as I am, it's hard to creep me out (though it does happen on occasion), and though this one wasn't a total creepfest, it made me jump a few times.

I liked the movie-within-a-movie concept, as it worked pretty well here. I actually want to see the movie that the characters in the movie made. I've also read a few reviews on this flick which criticize the acting, and I don't understand that; with most foreign Horror movies, especially those of the Asian variety, simple Americans like me read the subtitles anyways, so it's not as if we notice bland acting so much (unless it's blatantly bad or goofy.)

Images like this helped.

I think I may be officially creeped out by Movie Theaters now. Really, as if they're not bad enough with the retarded assholes who text or talk on their phones, the annoying teens that never shut up because they're still mentally 12-years-old, or the genius Whiskey-Tango parents who bring really little kids to see horror movies, now I find out that they're most likely haunted too. Great.

DVD's can't be haunted, so I'm sticking with those.

If this movie does nothing else, it points out the evils of pirating movies; apparently the MPAA is so pissed about the issue, that they're sending creepy ghosts to kill would-be pirates. Now, I do think piracy is bad to a point, but murder? Come on MPAA... that's just harsh. Link anyone was really going to pay to see Land of the Lost anyways?

If Chaba doesn't get you, the MPAA will.

There's all kinds of gouged-out eyes and blood everywhere in this one. Not a gorefest, but definitely pleasing to my inner Gorehound, none the less.

That was disturbing.

 

No, Thai Horror flicks never have nudity! Why do Asian Horror movies show so little nudity? Honestly, get off of your high moral horse Asia, we want to see some hot Asian ass! And boobs.

Her name should be Yum.

"Creepy bitch, your kids were burned to death!"

Don't get involved with Movie Piracy, or you will die. Also, you will die painfully if you go to see Horror movies a Thai Theater. Maybe, just read a book. Seems safer.

There are evil ghosts hiding in your movie camera, pirates!

I liked this movie; it's a nice mix of creepy and bloody, and has a really hot Thai chick in it, so it worked for me. If you like Asian Horror, or even creepy little ghost movies, then definitely grab the DVD if it's out in your region.

B

I can't pronounce her name to save my life, but damn is she hot. Gorgeous even. Her nickname is apparently Punch, though, so that makes it a bit easier.

Review: 4bia (See Prang) (2008)

Cast Members of Note- Laila Boonyasak, Maneerat Kham-uan, and Apinya Sakuljaroensuk. I have no idea who they are either.

4bia (pronounced phobia) is a messed up and creepy little flick. It's basically 4 loosely connected stories, told Anthology style.

Story1 (Happiness)- For the record, I think I just shit my pants. Also, I'll never text again. "I'm somewhere cramped." "I'm in the picture right beside you." "I'm outside of your building. I'm coming right up." Never. Texting. Again!

Who is make mystery call on her?

Story 2 (Tit For Tat)- I totally thought this story was going to be about boobs, and boy was I wrong. Instead we get story about a geek who uses black magic to kill his tormentors, with the help of some CGI creatures that look like the mutards from I Am Legend. The ending was cool though.

"You want Shamwow?"

Story3 (In the Middle)- Four gay Thai guys go camping and fight over who gets to sleep in "The Middle." Mmm Hmm. A tickle fight breaks out, killing one of them, and then things start to get really creepy... Titanic references, a gay rafting trip, creepy ghosts with dead eyes... this wacky story has it all. Faboulous!

Holy shit, they have two Lucky Pierre's!

Story 4 (Last Fright)- You have to love that the producers of this movie named the final segment "Last Fright," because that's how Asians would pronounce "flight" in english. They should have really gone for it though and just called it "Rast Fright." Still, we admire their cheek, and it made us LOL.

Anywho... A hot Thai stewardess has to fly alone with the corpse of a bitchy princess... and all hell breaks loose! Really it's just a chick trapped in a plane with a pissed off corpse. No hell.

Worst job ever.

Minimalism. Mood. Atmosphere. Those are the qualities that work best in Horror films, and the Asians seem to understand that better than most. 4bia delivers on all of those aspects and more, and though some of it falls a bit flat at times, it's still a solid effort that should please most Horror fans, especially those that love the nuance of Asian Horror. 

The 1st story here is downright creepy; barely any dialogue helps set the mood and makes things rather claustrophobic. The 2nd is a bit odd and kinetic, with some good gore, but not many frights. The 3rd story is more funny than anything, although the ghost FX were fairly creepy. The 4th story was interesting, but kinda lame like a cheesy old episode of The Twilight Zone or something.

On a fun trivia note, the third story is directed by the guy that did Shutter; the original, not the suck-job American remake that starred Pacey from Dawnson's Butthole.

Kiss her, and maybe she'll let you live.

CGI is seldom a good thing in Horror movies, especially when you're trying to establish a quiet and creepy atmosphere. Bad CGI is even worse; just ask Will Smith how bad I Am Legend sucked once the cartoon monsters showed up.

My thoughts exactly.

Couldn't you just tape your eyes shut rather than pull them out of your own head? And seriously, what kind of determination does it take to be able to do that to yourself? Good God.

Must be a Thai thing.

Lots of people fall to their deaths, a girl rips her own eyes out, people drown, get set on fire and hit by cars... not much gore, but some of it is cool when we do get to see it.

There's also this corpse.

No hot Thai nakedness, not even so much a naked Thai Girly-Boy (thankfully), and that's what they're famous for.

"I'm inside your apartment now" or "We're still friends, right?"

Text messaging is creepy. Also, don't bully the odd kids in school. Also, gay camping trips always end in drama. Finally, never work for royalty.

He'll never gay camp again.

4bia is an above average flick with some nice elements going for it, you might be pleased if you give it a chance. The one thing you can be sure of, being that it's Asian Horror, is that you will at least get atmosphere and story over cheap scares and twist endings. 

C+

4bia is available now on DVD.

We love Asian women, and in this case, we really love Laila Boonyasak. She special.

Running Commentary Review: Sick Nurses (2008)

Start- Some really attractive Thai chicks and a doctor are undressing a female corpse while soft lovemaking music plays... needles, alcohol swabs... plastic bag over the dead girl's head... and her eye opens at the last second. I'm intrigued. Nevermind... she's dead.

7:21- These Asian chicks aren't very nice at all; making fun of each others dead sisters, spitting Count Chocula on each other, throwing each other on the floor, smacking each other, laughing maniacally... At least they're hot.

"Your dead Sister sucks!"

9:00- Hot Asian lesbian action! Is anything better?

11:33- Ok, I just nearly peed myself.

13:10- Dead chick climbing out of a purse alert! That of course is followed by some Grudge/Ring-like movement and an "eye behind the hair" camera shot...

15:53- What in the hell?!?

???

17:05- A girl taking a shower with her clothes on? Seriously, who washes their hair in the shower while fully dressed?!? Is she one of the infamous Thai girly-boys that I Google so often at 2 A.M.? This movie is doing it all wrong... Still, I find it to be very compelling and engrossing...

19:30- Hair ghost attack! Duck, hot Thai chick! Well at least the flying hand weight missed her, that would have crushed her face... never mind, death by hair. What just happened?

22:26- Another of the hot nurses drinks what looks to be a semen-tomato concoction, and then barfs into a bag... afterward, she abuses a cat and throws it across the room! Why are bulimic Asian chicks always so angry?!?

Vomit and cats do not mix.

23:30- Another hair ghost attack, and not a minute too soon! The bulimic nurse just ate a donut while brushing her teeth... that's just so nasty. As revenge, the hair ghost stabs her in the mouth with her own toothbrush. She runs off... what happened to her?

28:30- Oh god, the half-gay doctor is having a gay flashback of he and his gym buddy smoking together, showering together... the gay tension is in the air and hanging thick... get it? Hanging thick? Lulz.

30:03- Yay! Nook, the whore who helped murder her own sister (and who was sleeping with her boyfriend), is pregnant! This being an Asian film, we know that all will not end well.

It rhymes with ba-bortion.

Upon coming out of the bathroom, Nook finds that the hair ghost, her sister, has the other two nurses pinned down... so she runs like any coward/rational person would do.

34:00- Flashback time... Our hair ghost, while she was still alive, sees her slut sister sleep with her boyfriend in the morgue, then finds her later and beats her ass. Unfortunately, the other nurses and the doctor want her dead now, because she's gone nuts.

39:28- At this point, nurses are running everywhere for their lives as the ghost taunts them all. They're all still alive, just in various stages of punishment... Wait, the hair chick just too a long nap in the fish tank. One down.

The rare Thai Street Carp on display.

44:00- Goriest scene in the movie alert! Bulimic chick, after being made to eat garbage, a full ashtray, and a huge jug of water, finds herself trapped in a room full of jars; jars filled with fetus's, muscles, bones, and other various body parts... and the ghost feeds her a handful of scalpel blades! Damn... damn... there goes her jaw... and the little kitty she abused gets it's revenge!  

That just happened.

Then a fetus jumps out of a jar, and hits her in the face.... and crawls down her throat! WTF?!?!?!?!?  

What is even going on right now?

44:37- Gore alert! Cell-phone-under-the skin-mixed-with-blood vomiting.

51:00- Gore alert! Hypodermic needle meets fingernail. Good lord. Also, saw meets leg.

51:39- She is still sawing away... At this point, I'm probably going to be skipping dinner.

52:48- Gore alert! WTF?!? This movie is nuts.

58:07- Yep, the doctor is bi... and his male lover nicknames him the Ace of Hearts, and even gives him a card. Yep.

1:00:10- Ghost-kicks to the baby bump! Will Nookie finally get what's coming to her? Will I finally understand what in the hell is going on here?

1:01:15- Random glitter storm!

"Herro there."

1:08:00- I don't want to ruin the end of this one for you, but dammit, I've got so much left to say! I will say that I never saw the twist coming... it was a nice nod to Miike's Gozu.

This one was pretty good; gory, creepy, confusing, odd, disgusting, creepy, gay-friendly... It has a little something for everyone! This movie is flashback crazy though, and may confuse you to the point of screaming. Check this one out of you get the chance.

B+

Sick Nurses is available now on DVD and VOD.

For the love of Jeebus does Thailand ever have some seriously hot chicks working as nurses... at least, in movies, they do.