Review: Naboer (2005)

Another solid Norwegian horror flick... what the hell is going on here?

Cast Members of Note- Kristoffer Joner, Cecilie Mosli, Julia Schacht, and Anna Bache-Wiig.

Naboer is about women, and how crazy they all seem to be. Poor John is an average guy that gets dumped by his girlfriend, but not only did she leave him, she tells everyone about his intimate problems, not respecting his feelings at all! Also, she took all of the A-ha records, which is just low in my book.

"Put down the A-ha CD's or you're going to have to take on me!"

Soon after the shrew leaves him, he meets two odd-yet-hot sluts that live next door, and quickly gets sucked into a world of Fight Club-like sex and fear. I'm not sure, but I think the guy gets raped. I can't say too much more about the plot here or else I risk giving too much away, but suffice it to say that this movie made me feel dirty in a few different ways.

She is dirty in her own special way.

Clocking in at only 72 minutes, Naboer was lean and tight, and kept me intrigued the whole time. Mix some Hitchcock with some David Lynch, and add in a bit of Session 9, and you have the makings of the well-executed psycho-sexual study in paranoia that is this film. The mysterious tension in this one is palpable from start to finish, even when you think you've got the movie all figured out. The sex scene is a good example of this; both alluring and profoundly disturbing at the same time, you find that you can't look away even though you really should.

"Until after-death do us part."

Helping people is overrated, and especially when it comes to helping hot chicks. Are they ever worth the trouble? I don't know; the short term can be rewarding, but in the end you're going to pay the price and be left holding the bag. By that I mean holding your own bag. That's a sexual innuendo.

Right now, she's holding his bag.

I don't ever condone a man hitting a woman, unless it's to actually save your life, because it's just wrong. That being said, some of the bitches in this movie deserved a good crack in the fucking mouth.

The smile is a lie!

There's not much gore in this one, but we do get some disturbing visuals, and a rather bloody sex scene.

Not the sex scene.

This movie is dirtier than Lindsay Lohan's hamper; nasty sex, filthy talk, and a good amount of T&A.

I have nothing to say about this.

"Ssh. Ssh... Ssh." or  "Different strokes for different folks."

I think at this point it's safe to say that women can't be trusted. Also, women don't wear bra's in Norway.

No bra.

This little movie just knocked my socks off. It's tight, intense, disturbing, well-shot and has a nice and quick pace. Check it out if you can find the DVD, though this movie is a few years old. Norway is turning out some pretty decent Horror flicks of late.

B+

Julia Schacht is in this.

Solo Review: Let the Right One In (2008)

Sub-Genre- Vampires/Teen Horror
Cast Members of Note- The young and Swedish talents of Kare Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson.

This is the story of 12-year-old Oskar who is bullied by his classmates on a daily basis, adding to the growing pains that normal adolescents have to endure; and Eli, who is also 12 (more or less) and is suffering some growing pains of her own... mainly because she's a Vampire.

When Eli catches Oskar stabbing a tree, the two begin a friendship that involves blood, murder and all sorts of other creepy shit. Really though, a 12-year-old kid stabbing a tree and asking it "are you looking at me?" is the creepiest thing of all.

I don't want to spoil too much, but I will say that Sweden is pretty cool, and swimming pools can be pretty dangerous.

Not gonna lie, Oskar is kinda creepy.

Lat Den Ratte Komma In is sweet, disturbing, sad, brutal, beautiful, shocking, and an overall inspired film. I dare say that it's a work of art. Everything about it was perfect to me; from the camera work, to the story; the mood, to the acting. This is a Vampire movie, and it has a ton of Horror elements about it, but it's also a coming of age tale. In fact at times, I felt as if I wasn't watching a Horror movie at all. There are some elements of the story that I'd really like to discuss and comment on, but that would spoil some things that don't deserve to be spoiled. I will say that this movie surprised me on many different levels.

Aww, young love.

It's amazing to me how a Horror movie made in 2008 can be so effective and not be packed with jump-scares, quick-cut scares, lame characters, nonsensical situations, a twist ending, a jump-cut-quick-scare twist ending... oh wait, this wasn't made in Hollywood, that's why it's lacking all of the familiar lame elements that plague so many of today's Horror movies.

It's not totally Hollywood's fault that they pump out unoriginal fare on the reg; American audiences are fairly simple-minded when it comes to their entertainment, and they like it simple, and familiar... that's why we'll have Saw 14 eventually. 'Murica!

Horror flick, love story, coming of age story, Vampire movie... Let the Right One In is all of those, and a lot more. You really need to see it to understand. And for the record, I absolutely loved the last 15 minutes of this movie. I actually cheered.

I really did cheer.

The worst part about this movie was that it ended. I wish it had been three hours long instead of two.

"This is cube of Rubik, you will make play?"

Not even a year old, and Hollywood already wants to remake this movie. Can't the morons who green light movies just release this one as is, instead of remaking what is already damn near perfect? Of course not. Assholes.

This picture is a metaphor for how we feel about Hollywood, and many of their poor decisions.

Bloodletting, blood drinking, acid eaten faces, severed limbs, people bursting into flames... this movie has its fair share of gore.

But why aren't they swimming?

Oddly enough, we get to see a 12-year-old's hooha... and I'm truly hoping that it was CGI.

"I'm 12... more or less."

Childhood sucks. Also, don't ever break into a Vampire's apartment... even in the daylight. Also, bullies never win.

Eli wins though. She wins big.

This movie is a modern day masterpiece, and one of the best movies of the year, and not just of the Horror variety. You owe it to yourself to see this as soon as possible. Don't wait for the remake, because it will pale in comparison to this film. Trust me. Now go watch this Swedish gem!

A+

Let the Right One In is available now on Blu-ray, DVD,. and VOD.

Brilliant.

I F'ing love Sweden.

After seeing my first Swedish horror film recently, the teen vampire movie Let the Right One In, I have officially fallen in love with Sweden. Well, I loved Sweden a lot before, but now it's... let me explain. I'm a huge hockey fan. My Detroit Red Wings, the best NHL team ever (don't correct me), have been making me cheer for nearly 3 decades. What's this got to do with Sweden you ask? Well half of our team is filled with Swedes, and they all rock! I love you Lidstrom. Yes, even you, Lilja. Let's not forget that Swedish chicks are really hot too. Have you ever seen an ugly one? Plus, they kinds look like they're easy. And hot. Know why that guy in the picture is smiling? Because he's Swedish. Also, a pedophile. Also, I just think Swedish people seem fun. Sure, this guy may be smiling because all of that year-round snow drove him insane, but maybe it's because he lives in an awesome land! Finally, how can we forget one of the best foods ever: Add all of the above to the fact that they may just have produced the best horror flick of the year, and Sweden just makes me happy.