VOD Review:: Summer Camp (2016)

"Crystal Lake, this ain't."

Don't let the above blurb give you the wrong impression; Summer Camp isn't a bad movie. It's a movie with a great premise and an exciting twist that was poorly written in places, and it's a bit too jumbled and confused throughout, but it's not "bad."

It's just with a title like Summer Camp, the first thing that comes to mind are visions of Friday the 13th, The Burning, or Sleepaway Camp, and this movie is not quite on their level. 

*If you don't want the movie spoiled for you, do not read any further.

Summer Camp is the story of three young twenty-something Americans who are hired to work at a remote Summer Camp in Spain, to teach the local children English. In the opening scene we're told via news report that they went missing, and local authorities believe that they will never be seen again. The rest of the movie takes past in a flashback of the day before the camp is set to open, where we get to see just what happened to them. 

YEP, THESE ARE THE MISSING THREE.

Before the kids arrive at the camp, our unlucky trio, along with a local Spanish dude, decide to get to know one another by doing trust exercises that involve them blindfolding and chasing each other through the woods. There's plenty of other things to do around the creepy old camp (as it's pretty run down), but they never really get to that stuff, because before they can, some sort of rage-inducing virus takes a hold of them, causing them to savagely turn on each other.

A desperate and challenging attempt at survival ensues. 

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS!

I won't spoil he twists that the plot undergoes in this section, as the movie really does do the whole Infected thing in a very different way, so why ruin it. I will ruin it all below though, so be warned.

THE SYMPATHETIC ONE.

Summer Camp was an energetic and intense movie, if a somewhat underwritten one.

The premise of the movie, which involves people becoming infected, but only for a short time, was a pretty genius stroke; sure, go ahead and kill your friend to stay alive, after all, they're infected monsters who want to tear you apart with their bare hands. Remember though, that shit will wear off in a while, and then they'll be dead for nothing, and you'll be a murderer.

If nothing else, this movie put a great spin on an old, overused trope.

THAT IS THE FACE OF REGRET.

The main problem that we had with Summer Camp is that as fresh of an idea as it is, it's too quick-cut for its own good. I'm all for quick pacing, and some intense action, but this movie could have used a bit of restraint in both of those areas. Someone get infected, goes wild with rage, chases the others around trying to cave their heads in, then they calm down, then the infection kicks in on someone else, and the whole thing repeats. That's to be expected, as Summer Camp is the baby of Alberto Marini and Jaume Balaguero, both of whom brought us the [REC] series, but this one doesn't ever reach the level of terror that those films, at least most of them, achieved.

A lot of the movie is very dark too, so it's not easy to see what's going on in some scenes.... which is made worse by the shaky cam, which is ever present in this one, and even shakier than it is in most movies.

All of that would be easy enough to put up with if we actually cared about the characters. The beginning of the movie is supposed to be an introduction to them, but served only annoy and confound. The actors did as good of a job here as they could have, given the material they had to work with, but it was rough-going early on, dialogue and acting-wise. Once things kicked into gear though, Maiara Walsh's character was basically the only one we ended up really liking. We love us some Jocelin Donahue, but man was her character ever a selfish bitch.

It was annoying at times, fun at times, and pretty intense throughout, but in a really uneven way. The scene at the end was great though, and we would have loved to see more of the movie be about that.

50 SHADES OF FOREST GREEN.

There are some gory bits throughout this one involving blood and some mysterious black goo, but the movie is so dark and shaky that we don't get to see a lot of it on-screen. 

THAT DOG SAW IT THOUGH. HE SAW EVERYTHING.

Nope.

SIGH...

Overall, Summer Camp is a clever movie that puts an interesting twist on the standard Infected storyline, but it suffers from some mediocre writing (especially early on), and visuals that are confused, really dark, and very shaky.

It's a half-and-half kind of movie for us, and one that you might want to check out if you don't need your fright flicks to be perfect. We're just picky.

C

Summer Camp is available on VOD, and in limited theaters, now.

The ever-lovely Jocelin Donahue and her pal Maiara Walsh.

DVD Review: The Corpse of Anna Friitz (2016)

"This is a perfect date movie... if you're looking for a way to end the date early. And maybe be single again."

There's nothing that's not deeply disturbing about necrophilia. What would possess anyone to molest or have sex with a dead body is far beyond our comprehension, but it's a real thing, and it makes for a horrifying premise for a movie. Movies like Deadgirl and Cemetery Man managed to tackle the subject in an entertaining way, but holy hell is it tough to sit through a movie where people are making love to the dead.

The Corpse of Anna Fritz has a little twist in it that makes it more than just a movie about three guys who decide to sex up a corpse, but even so, the psychology of the whole act, and what would even possess someone to partake in such heinous shit, is what really drives the movie.

There are going to be some heavy spoilers in this review, because they can't really be avoided, so if you want to stay spoiler-free, then skip to the end, read our summary, and watch the movie as "in the dark" as you possibly can.

When Anna Fritz, one of the most famous and beloved actresses in the world, dies suddenly at a party, everyone is in shock. Her body is transported to a hospital, the location of which is kept secret (so as to keep her adoring fans from causing a scene), but that doesn't keep a creepy orderly, Pau, from taking pictures of her naked corpse and sending them to his equally creepy friend, Ivan.

HOW CREEPY DO YOU NEED TO BE, MAN?!?

When Ivan and Javi (Pau's only friends) show up at the hospital to see Anna, because they're obviously big fans of hers, Pau takes them to the locked room where she's being stored. Upon seeing her naked corpse, a drunk and stoned Ivan decides that he's going to have sex with her; she's only been dead for a few hours after all, and she's still mostly fresh. Javi wants no part in the heinous act, and tries to get Ivan to stop, but he's too coked out of his mind and horny to listen to reason. After Ivan takes his 30-second turn, Pau decides to have a go at her. He's no 2-pump chump though; no, you see he's sexed up corpses before, and so he's got a smooth technique about him. So he too climbs on top of her lifeless form, and starts to go to work...

Then Anna opens her eyes.

YEP. HAPPENS JUST LIKE THAT.

Necrophilia, rape, murder, kidnapping... The Corpse of Anna Fritz has it all!

This is an uncomfortable and disturbing movie, to say the least. It's a tightly-paced ride that pushes all kinds boundaries during its extremely short, 71-minute runtime, and when all was said and done, we felt dirtier for having watched it.

The scene where Anna was trying to crawl to freedom down a hallway was pretty intense, and a good example of the atmosphere that the movie creates. Even though the movie always seemed to come up with some lame plot device to keep the action mostly in the one room, it kept us engaged throughout. 

As nasty as the visceral aspect of the subject matter is, it's really the psychology behind it all that makes it hit so hard. What kind of person could take pictures of a naked corpse, let alone touch it sexually or actually have intercourse with it? More than that, how far would someone go to keep their shameful deed from being discovered? It's all very disconcerting, and the film holds nothing back in asking those questions, and answering them.

IT'S ALWAYS THE QUIET, AWKWARD ONES.

How is the newly-dead corpse of such a beloved celebrity left all alone in a morgue like that? I get that they were keeping the location of her body a secret so that fans wouldn't swarm the hospital or something, but no family, no friends, no manager, no publicist, no entourage... there was no one there for her at all?

Even better, as popular as she was, and as worried as they were about keeping mobs of fans away, why were there no Cops present? Surely someone would have been guarding the body of such a high profile celebrity, right? And wouldn't there be doctors doing an autopsy or something? Gah!

It also sucked that Anna wakes up from her death... presumed death... shit, we don't even know if she was dead or not, because they never explain a damn thing to us!

WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON EITHER, GUYS.

What in the hell kind of creepy degenerate would want to have sex with a corpse? Seriously, what happened to you as a kid, man?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, CONYO?

Necrophilia is about as "gory" a it gets for us, even if there's no blood or gore present during the act. People are also beaten and stabbed to death in this one, so it's violent enough for its short running time.

THINGS GOT MESSIER THAN YOU THOUGHT THEY WOULD, HUH BOYS?

Alba Ribas spends a good amount of time naked throughout this one, and she's truly lovely, but it's not the sexy kind of naked. Not at all.

NO, DUDE. JUST NO.

People are fucking creepy.

THE MORGUE: IT'S LIKE A PLAYGROUND FOR THE SICK AND DEMENTED.

Dark, disturbing, uncomfortable, and heinous, The Corpse of Anna Fritz is a short Thriller that packs a lot of punch. It twists and turns, and in the end it became something more than what we thought it would be, and that's a good thing.

If you're looking to be disturbed, then check it out when it sees release in your country.

B-

The Corpse of Anna Fritz is available now on DVD in Japan, and will be coming to Germany on 2/26. *Presumably, it will be hitting other markets shortly after that. We hope.

Alive or dead, Alba Ribas is a beautiful girl. We prefer her alive though.

Theatrical Review: Regression (2016)

"Emma Watson needs to start doing nude scenes. It's just time."

When I was a kid in the 80's, people somehow got it in their minds that Satanic Cults were everywhere across the U.S., and that they were abducting, molesting, or murdering children during their dark rituals.

I actually remember seeing so much of it on the news, talks shows, and magazine shows like 60 Minutes, that I actually became paranoid about it for a while. If I was crossing an empty parking lot at dusk, and a creepy van drove by, I was sure that it was Satanists coming to get me so that they could sacrifice me to their dark lord.

I was like 10, so don't judge me too harshly on that one.

I'm not sure how it all got started, but I'd guess that it had to do with fundamental Christians deciding that Satan was destroying the fabric of our perfect society by way of Heavy Metal music, Horror films, and Dungeons & Dragons. They worked everyone into such a tizzy about it that there were a crazy amount of sexual abuse allegations leveled against Daycare Centers. Google "The McMartin Preschool Trial" and read what that bullshit did too innocent people.

The point is, that Satanic Panic bullshit was a very real thing in the 80's, and as worked up as everyone got about it, it turned out to little more than a bunch of asshole adults coercing fake memories out of kids with the use of Regression Therapy.

That's kinda what this movie is about.

***This review will contain plot SPOILERS that could potentially ruin the story for you, so proceed with caution***

It's 1990 in Minnesota, and Bruce Kenner (Ethan Hawke) is a hard-nosed detective who plays to win! So when the virginal Angela (Emma Watson) accuses her father of sexually molesting her (which he admits to, even though he can't remember doing it), Kenner is on the case. He turns to a British psychologist to help get to the bottom of everything, with the use of regression therapy... which forces repressed memories stored in the subconscious to come to the forefront. Sounds legit.

"TRY TO REMEMBER ALL OF THE HORRIBLE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN EXACTING DETAIL."

As Kenner and Dr. Brit uncover more of the details of Angela's case, it becomes apparent that a Satanic Cult was involved, which terrifies Angela to death. She claims that she was a part of ritualistic abuse at the hands of the Cult that included the sacrifice of animals and babies, and blood orgies in the name of Satan, and the fact that she's discussing any of it with Kenner makes them both targets for some sort of Satanic death revenge.

"KISS IT. EVERYONE ELSE HAS."

Kenner is initially skeptical of Angela's Satanic claims, but after some mysterious phone calls, some odd people staring at him on the street, and an attack at his home, he ends up becoming a paranoid believer in all things Satanic and evil. Was he molested by a Satanic Cult too? Was he part of a Satanic Sex Cult, but just forgot about it?

Watch and find out!

MAYBE TAKE THE HEADPHONES OFF WHILE YOU'RE SNOOPING AROUND THE LAIR OF A SATANIC CULT!

Regression is more of a Psychological Thriller than it is any kind of Horror flick, although the movie does explore plenty horrifying topics. It's a well-made movie that makes a pretty bold statement about the dangers of psychology, specifically the since-discredited technique of regression therapy, and by the end, it becomes more of a Drama than anything else. A Good Drama, mind you, but a Drama none the less.

There were plenty of eerie moments throughout the film that gave us the willies though, and in that way it felt like a pretty effective "Horror" movie at times.

"SO... DESCRIBE THAT SATANIC ORGY ONE MORE TIME IF YOU DON'T MIND."

As I mentioned above, the whole Satanic Panic thing was very real in the 80's, and it was blown way out of proportion by the media, which ended up working plenty of people into a paranoid frenzy in which many lives were ruined. After a few years, when most of it was revealed to be total bullshit, the regression therapy that was used to uncover much of the supposed ritual abuse at the heart of it all was derided and discredited by medical professionals as being some sort of subliminal coercion.

If nothing else, Regression does a great job of illustrating that point, and giving the whole thing weight.

"AGAIN?"

Ethan Hawke was great in this movie, even though most of the material he was given to play his character delved heavily into stereotypes. Emma Watson was also great playing the innocent victim who may in fact be a manipulative shrew. We'd love to see her play the "Bad Guy" more often.

What Regression doesn't get right, is that it's predictable. It starts out strong, and then fizzles out near the end, not taking many narrative chances along the way. It's a great story that has all of the ingredients for a top-notch Thriller, but it just doesn't do as much with them as it could have. The dialogue could have been better too.

THE FACE OF AN ANGEL?

For all of its faults, Regression was a pretty good movie that managed to keep us interested throughout. If you look at it as a fictional portrayal of some very real things that happened in American history, and don't expect an all-out Horror flick, then you'll probably dig it.

If it happens to be showing at a theater near you, you could do worse than to go check it out.

C+

Regression is in Limited Theaters now. *Only about 100.

Oh, Emma.