Solo Review: Against the Dark (2009)

If a movie pitting Steven Seagal against Vampires isn't on your Must See list for 2009, then you have no soul; either that, or you prefer movies that don't suck. Either way, we respect your decision.

Sub-Genre- Vampire?
Cast Members of Note- 80's action movie hero Steven Seagal! 80's character actor Keith David! Also, the hot Jenna Harrison.

*This review comes complete with Steven Seagal's greatest movie quotes, in picture caption format. 

Master of Akido, the Katana, the Flamenco Guitar, greasy pony-tails, and weight gain, Steven Seagal leaps into the Horror Genre to cleanse a World overrun with Vampires... only they aren't really Vampires at all, they're "Infected." And to be honest, he really doesn't "leap" into anything here, rather he walks around slowly, hunting infected and slashing at them with his sword every now and then.

"You may be above the law, but you're not above mine!"

It's really odd, because everybody else in this movie does little more than walk around inside of some Hospital, looking for an exit. What floor are they on? Are there no windows? And just how many laps of the Hospital have they made since they set out to "escape?" The answer to all three questions: Eleventeen.

"When it's over, you can go to your favorite proctologist and get a nice soothing ointment, and rub it on the hole that hurts most."

The Army (?!?) is involved too, plotting to bomb "Sector 7" which is just where everyone in the movie happens to be... because apparently there's no time! Time for what? Why is there no time? It's nearly dawn, and the infected hide from the sun (?!?) so why is there no time? And just when you think things couldn't get anymore action-packed, the dramatic music kicks in, and they all start walking around some more... but this time, together!

Will they live? Will they die? Will anyone care? I won't ruin what happens here, but I will say that Seagal doesn't seem to mind killing kids at all.

"I guess that means I won't get to see you go through puberty."

I have to admit, that even though this movie isn't good at all, Seagal is pretty bad-ass in his own strange way. Even though his character and his lines are REALLY cheesy, something about him roaming through dark hallways and slashing through Vampires is fun... I don't know. By all accounts Seagal's presence alone should make this movie suck more, but somehow, it actually makes it suck less.

"I ain't always been a cop, that's all I can tell you right now."

It's pretty painful watching a chick filing her teeth into fine points with a rat tail... hearing those scraping sounds... disturbing.

Man that's just unsettling.

Did Steven Seagal just do this for a quick paycheck? The guy is on screen for maybe 15 minutes throughout the flick, and most of the time when he is, he's obscured by shadow or becomes a victim of quick-cut editing. And really, if I'm being honest, all that his character does is walk around, and fight "Infected" once in a rare while.

After watching this one, I'm fairly sure that they must have paid Mr. Seagal with donuts and cocaine. Nothing else makes sense to me.

Steven Seagal please stop.

There's plenty of blood and gore in this one, as the "Infected" bite, eat, chew and rip apart any warm human flesh that they can get their creepy hands on. Also, people slip and slide through smears and piles of guts. There's no shortage of gore here.

Other than Steven Seagal's long and soapy bath scene, nope.

Jenna Harrison likes to kiss girls... just not in this movie. Figures.

"My name is Tao" (cue dramatic Seagal music.)
"Man, I've seen that. People do what they have to do to survive."
"What are you gonna do?" Seagal answers "I'm goin' huntin'."Dun, dun, dun!

It's all just so, so bad.

This man is out of control!

Nothing can defeat Steven Seagal. Nothing! What else could we possibly need to learn?

"If I find out you're lying, I'll come back and kill you in your own kitchen."

Make no mistake about it; this is a shitty movie. Thing is, there's enough decent material here to make it watchable, especially the cheesy (although limited) goodness of Mr. Seagal hacking and slashing. There's just as much poor material that will make you cringe and want to go take a nap though, so bewarned.

If you love Steven Seagal, then you may like this one. If you love good Horror though, you wil most likely not.

C-

Against the Dark is available on DVD now.

Lover. Karate Man. Thespian.

Solo Review: Mirrors (2008)

Sub-Genre- Supernatural
Cast Members of Note- Kiefer Sutherland, and the uber-yummy Amy Smart.

Jack Bauer has been suspended from duty and is forced to take a night job at an old, burned-out Department Store that used to be an Insane Asylum... deep breath... and his wife doesn't want him around because he drinks a lot, so luckily his hot-ass sister takes him in, and we get to see her strip down and take a bath later on in the movie... Whew, long sentence.

Yeah, go see what that noise was, dumb ass.

Jack begins to see and hear odd things as he patrols the creepy old abandoned Department Store/Asylum; mainly involving mirrors, because they're trying to kill him. The mirrors also send him messages (which he doesn't understand), right before people around him start dying. The mirrors kill them out of spite basically, because, get your shit together, Jack Bauer!

Not that wide honey... seriously, stop!

As the mystery deepens, so does the level of creepiness that Agent 24 must deal with. I don't want to say too much more here, since the movie is still relatively new and I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but suffice it to say that Demons are creepy. And mirrors. Also, You'd think that a world-class spy could handle guarding an abandoned building without everyone around him dying, but no!

Yes, it is your fault, Jack.

I was waiting for Mirrors to be the movie that came out of left field and blew me away, but it never quite reached that point. Don't get me wrong, it was good, and some of it was great, but it was another case of a foreign director who made an amazing film (Haute Tension) in his home country (France), coming to America and making just another Hollywood Horror flick.

I did love how this movie lulled me during it's first half, then became exactly the kind of movie I like in it's second. It's almost as if Alexander Aja combined elements of The Ring and [Rec], and shook them all together, making for a climax that I thought was pretty satisfying. Demonic Possession is always fun.

Look at all of that fun!

I think I'm scared of mirrors now.

Do any Horror movies these days have happy endings? Jeesh.

No happy.

A nice opening throat slash, a wicked bathtub scene, and plenty of other disturbing images of violence. There's also some decomposition and a possession that gets rather messy. This is not Alexander Aja''s bloodiest effort, but he still brings the red stuff.

The not-sexy-at-all batch scene.

 

Amy Smart Naked Alert!!! You only see a side view, but it was still neat.

Also, this happened, and it was good.

"Don't be scared, mommy. He just wants to come play with us."

Mirrors are evil. Also, Dodge Avengers are bad-ass cars.

Why are you stabbing a mirror?

While I wish Mirrors would have pushed the envelope a bit more in some areas, the overall experience was satisfying and fun. Rent it for sure when it hits DVD, because it's a pretty cool flick.

B

Mirrors is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Who doesn't love Amy Smart? You know?