Need Some Christmas Un-Cheer? Sint (2011)

The history of Dutch Horror Movies isn't all that prolific. We've seen a few Dutch offerings like Sl8n8 (Slaughter Night) and Dood Eind (Dead End), and thought them to be fairly entertaining in their own way, but didn't find them to be all that fantastic.

With Sint, we found ourselves excited to see a Killer Santa Claus flick made from a foreign perspective, because let's face it; Killer Santa flicks here in the U.S. are usually nothing but Slasher flicks that are looking to stir up some controversy.

Sint (Saint) is a story about Niklas, a former Saint better known to the Dutch as the legendary Sinterklaas. Sinterklaas is pretty much the inspiration for the far more popular legend of Santa Claus. Depending on where you are in the world, he's also known as Father Christmas, Joulupukki, Pere Noel... Yeah, he has a lot of names, but he also has a world full of kids to deliver toys to in a short 24 hour window, so, who are we to bitch?

In this movie though, he's just plain old Sinterklaas, so don't get it twisted.

In Sint, Niklas is a former Bishop who has fallen from the good graces of the Church. He's also an evil bastard who decides to start a gang that roams the countryside, raping, murdering, and plundering to their heart's content. Everything is going great for the merry band of scumbags until a lynch mob burns Niklas and his bloodthirsty men to death.

Revenge is vowed.
 
To everyone else, Sinterklaas is a sweet and joyful Christmas legend; one that is celebrated by Dutch people every year, especially children who love presents. Sinterklaas and his "elves" appear every year on December 5th, but only the December 5th's which coincide with a full moon, which is only every 32 years... Not sure what that's all about, but it's his thing. Anywho, when he does appear, he kills everybody, because, fuck people. 

"Yes, Sinterklaas will make you pass away if you don't go to sleep right now!"

The last full moon which fell on a December 5th was back in 1968. When Sinterklaas appeared that night, he and his Zwarte Pieten* killed all sorts of people, including the family of a small boy named Goert.


*For the record, the Zwarte Pieten (or Black Petes) are the Dutch equivalents of Santa's Elves... in black face. In Sint, the Black Petes are black because of being charred in the fire that killed them, not because of anything racist. Sure. No racism at all.

Why Al Sharpton has never marched on Amsterdam, we may never know.

Cut to 2010, where little Gorko (or whatever) is all grown up, and is now an Amsterdam Cop. Also, December 5th is rapidly approaching... and this year it coincides with a full moon! Gorky knows what this means, and tries his best to get everyone to cancel all of the Sinterklaas parties and what not, because he knows that they're all going to die if they don't.

Of course no one listens to him, and when the night of December 5th arrives, it finds Sinterklaas and his Racist Elves running around Amsterdam and slaughtering people at will, just as Gorky predicted. Together with some other dude, Gorky sets out to stop Sinterklaas once and for all.

Good luck with that, Gorko.

The idea of Sinteklaas and his Zwarte Pieten coming to life and slaughtering everyone that they come across, is an interesting one. Sint is a mostly engaging flick, doing a great job of setting the mood, and steeping its story in Legend. In many ways, It felt like a Dark Fairytale.

We really liked the flashback sequences (both 1492 & 1968), we loved the ethereal feel of the movie, and Sinterklaas was pretty fun and creepy to watch. Sint also contains homages to movies like Halloween & The Fog, and at times it even feels like it's tipping its hat to a Spielberg flick or two.

All in all, the movie was a pretty fun and interesting watch.

She's about to play "hide the nose" with that snowman.

Sint lacked focus. It started off fairly strong, but kinda fell apart as it wore on. It didn't really deliver the oomph that we though it would, and it kind of became more of an Action Comedy than a Horror movie, by the time all was said and done.

The back story of Sinterklaas could have been explored a bit more too. 10 minutes showing us how he fell from grace, and his subsequent actions leading up to forming his creepy band of murderers would have gone a long way towards fleshing the movie out a bit more.

Robert DeNiro?

Where did Lisa go? She's all over the movie for a while, and then she just kinda disappears... what a terrible waste of some good Caro Lenssen!

"You'll never find me. I'm hiding in a different movie lol."

 Sinterklaas and his Black Petes kill plenty of Dutch folk in bloody, nasty ways.

The legend of Santa Claus (no matter which version, or from whatever part of the world) is terrifying.

Yeah, Santa has an axe... now run!

Sint is a fun (if uneven) flick, that puts a new spin on the average Killer Santa movie. It's not as tight of a movie as we would have liked, and it's definitely a bit more "funny" than we prefer, but overall it was a fun watch that was well worth our time.

If you're looking for a different kind of Christmas Horror flick this Holiday Season, you should definitely give this one a go.

C+

I don't know where this Caro Lenssen chick has been all of our lives, but she makes us love The Netherlands even more.

 

 

 

Review: The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

"The new benchmark in "WTF?!?!" Horror Cinema."

In Attendance- Me, Erin, Vanilla Gorilla, and Lori. Nick was not allowed.
Cast Members of Note- Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura.

There's really no other way to say this and remain polite about it, so here goes... this movie is about two hot chicks and an Asian dude being forced to go ass-to-mouth. It's not the happy kind of ATM that you see in your average Porn movie either, no, this version of ATM involves a surgical procedure, some strong thread, hate, a loss of appetite, and tears. Plenty of tears.

That's actually rain. The tears come later.

Lindsay and Jenny are two hot, dumb, annoying, typical American bimbos who for some reason are on vacation and looking for a party in Germany. Naturally, the best way to find a party in Der Hinterland is to drive the back roads and hope for the best. A huge lack of brain power and one blown tire later, the girls find themselves on a long walk through the dark, creepy woods, where they happen upon the house of the creepiest doctor that has ever lived. Surely, he will call them a cab, right?

"Nein! Es wird kein Taxi für Sie geben!"

Herr Doctor, you see, has a plan; in honor of his hatred for mankind, and his disturbingly creepy love for his "sweet 3-hound", he decides to drug the girls, throw in an Asian guy, and sew them together, ass-to-mouth, to create the world's first Siamese Triplet. This will hopefully change the human genetic code forever, since humans suck, I guess? How insane do you have to be to even conceive such an idea, let alone try to bring it to life?

Take a second and look at the drawing in this picture, and think about what is really going on here. It's like he's making a human shit train!

From here on out, the movie goes to a places that made even me nervous. Will the Human Centipede learn to work together, and make it up the stairs? Will there be an "Angry Dragon" (Google that, but be warned that it's nasty) involving poop? Does the middle section of the centipede truly have it worse that the caboose? I don't know about all that, but I'm dying to find out how they're going to pull off a sequel.

Why so serious?

If nothing else, this movie delivers on the simple promise of any good Horror movie; it was horrifying. We were all pretty uncomfortable watching The Human Centipede, and more than once we found ourselves looking at each other instead of the nasty shenanigans that were happening on screen... and we love our blood and gore. This movie really took blood and gore to a different level though, and at times, was an extremely tough watch.

Martyrs, Inside, Baby Blues, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer... these movies all left us feeling dirty and disturbed in the past, but I dare say the residue of this movie feels worse. The concept in and of itself is insanely disturbing, as well as pretty damned original, and the execution is stark and intense, even alongside the elements of black comedy which are present. When I say black comedy, don't get me wrong, this one isn't played for laughs at all. You can see a bit of nasty wit here and there though. 

The Human Centipede makes a crawl for it!

I have to give mad props to the actors in this one too. First and foremost, Dieter Laser does an amazing job at playing the insane and uber-creepy Dr. Heiter. His eyes alone have so much intensity that had he not spoke at all, he would have still been unnerving. As for the three actors who made up the Human Centipede (Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura), to even sign on to play roles like this earns my respect. I'd even go so far as to call them brave; naked and attached to each others asses... that's got to mess with your mind a bit.

So, dumb American bimbos, not only do you drive the back roads of rural Germany in search of some happening club, leave the main road and tread through the creepy forest in the dead of night after you get as flat tire (that you can't figure out how to change), but you enter the house of a guy who may be the creepiest person that has ever lived, and don't take the 523 hints that he drops telling you to run away as fast as you can? You kinda deserve what you get. Bimbos.

Run!

At the moment when the head of the Human Centipede, Katsuro, yells " I have to shit!" in Japanese, I swore off of food for three days. After seeing what came next, I changed my mind and decided to make it five. I'm still not eating peanut butter or deviled ham.

Raping them would have been more humane.

Faces sewn to buttholes, faces ripping away from said buttholes, oozing infections, anal blood licking, mouth pooping, surgical procedures, gun violence... this movie is absolutely not for the squeamish.

We get to see Ashley and Ashlynn fully naked, but the creepiness of this film wouldn't allow us to enjoy it at all. We also get to see Dieter Laser's goods, which hindered our libido even further.

"Um, is that old man taking off his pants?"

"Feed her!" Ugh.

How many times do I have to say it... stay the hell off of the back roads of Europe! Also, all German Doctors are inherently creepy.

Why is it always the Germans?

I may never want to watch it again for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a great movie, or that Horror fans everywhere shouldn't see it for themselves. It's a nasty one, full of all sorts of disturbing images and ideas/ideals that will most likely burn themselves deep into your subconscious, and randomly haunt you or make you gag as long as you may live... but at least it was original, fresh, and delivers the Horror goods. Catch it now on VOD if you can.

A

The Human Centipede is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

This is Ashley C. Williams, and I would be a part of her Human Centipede any day. Not really, but she's hot enough to at least make me lie and say that I would. Maybe we could form a "Pucker-Ring Porcupine" or a "Meat Curtain Llama" or something instead. I'm pretty open-minded like that.