Hidden in the Woods (2013)

For us to enjoy an Exploitation flick, it has to have at least some semblance of a plot going on in-between all of the the rape and over the top violence that we already know we're in for. It has to have characters that we empathize with and fear for, and most importantly, cheer on, when it comes to getting their revenge and /or escaping.

The average Exploitation flick has to be entertaining, and not just an all out assault on our senses.

What we have here is a movie that bombards us with horrific act after horrific act, and then gives us some even more horrific acts followed by some even more horrific acts than those... sounds like a perfect Horror flick, right?

Well, no.

Hidden in the Woods left us cold, not because it was so violent and depraved, but because it felt like director Patricio Valladares packed this movie with as much nasty, crazy shit as he could, all for the sake of shocking film-goers.

Of course, we could be wrong. We could have missed the point of the whole thing, but I'm pretty sure we didn't.

Felipe lives in the woods with his wife and two young daughters, Ana and Anny. He's in the drug trade, managing the stash of local drug lord Uncle Costello, and by all accounts, he does a great job of it. One day, he loses his shit and beats his whore wife to death (for being a whore) right in front of his daughters, which terrifies them. In a effort to comfort his dear children, he rapes Ana, because that's what comforts 10 year old girls in Chile.

Felipe goes on raping and abusing his daughters for years until one of them ends up pregnant. The incest-baby, Manuel, starts life by being shot out of the womb into a bucket, which bodes well for his future. The family decides to keep him in an old piss-shack outside, and feed him raw meat, because he's a feral mongoloid that brings shame upon his family.

Yep, they sure do show that.

When the Policia eventually show up to arrest Felipe for his abusive ways (not sure how they knew about it, or why it took them so many years to do something about it), they end up getting themselves killed because they suck at being Policia. Honestly, they're so inept that they deserved the awful, chainsaw-filled deaths that they got.

Felipe goes on the run, but eventually ends up in jail, which you'd think would be good news for his kids, because he's a shitty parent. Uncle Costello puts a kibosh on the fun though when he sends a bunch of his goons to Felipe's house to get his drugs, and the kids have to flee deep into the woods to avoid being raped, beaten and murdered by them.

While shacked up at some secret cabin in the woods, Ana turns to hooking to provide for her siblings. This is awesome because we get to see a little montage of her going down on a bunch of creepy, skanky men in various locales, and spitting out their... "finish", each time that she does. This, I believe, was the humorous part of the movie. 

While she's out blowing for dollars, Anny is at home in their secret cabin, giving herself a nice sponge bath in front of a big window. Of course two random backpackers happen along, see this going down, and decide "hey, lets rape her." Ana returns home to find her sister naked and covered in blood, and basically eating her attackers...

I think you get the point by now.

You don't bathe naked in front of a window in Chile! What's wrong with you!?!

For us, this movie fails because it seems to exist only to show various acts of rape and extreme violence, while offering little else in the way of story, character, or even sense. There is definitely a portion of Horror Fandom that loves that kind of thing, we're just not amongst that group.

Had the script made more sense and not felt so absurd, we might have bought into the movie as a whole. Unfortunately for us though, the characters were weak and one dimensional, their actions made little sense, and they seemed to exist only to hurt, or be hurt. Every man in this movie is a rapist. They may also be criminals, thugs or all around abusers, but they are all of them rapists. The women of the movie, in turn, existed only to be targets for the men's twisted sexual desires.

There was nothing in this movie for us to cling to as the tsunami of violence and depravity swept over us, and that is the problem. Without balance, a movie like this is hard pressed to work on any level other than shock value.

I don't even know what the deal was with this kid.

We truly hope that Michael Biehn's remake of this movie delivers where the original didn't. With an actual story amidst the visceral horrors of Hidden in the Woods, it could actually work. This versions, at least for us, does not work at all. If you care nothing for plot or common sense, and just need a heaping fix of violence and depravity, then you'll like this movie. Everyone else would do well to skip it and see how the American remake goes.

Descendents (2008/2012)

In The Descendants, George Clooney turns in the performance of a lifetime as a man who... wait, wrong movie. That's Descendant's with an A, this is the Descendents with an E.

Alright, let's start this thing over...

In Descendents, the world is ravaged by a viral plague that turns most people into Zombies. Little Camille is immune however, and after being separated from her mother, most of the movie is basically her wandering around through empty towns looking for food and trying to stay alive. It's not the Zombies that are the threat though, it's Army Guys who are killing off anyone who might be infected that pose the danger to her. Why are the Zombies not a threat, you might ask? Well, because of the fact that she's immune to the virus, the Zombies won't attack her... and that fact basically kills any chance that this movie had at being effective.

Camille finds a bunch of other little kids who are immune to the virus as well, and so they roam around in front of matte paintings of destroyed cities, running from the aforementioned evil Army Guys, and playing kick the can. They all seem to be having the same recurring dream about the ocean too, but whatever.

Fish out of water?

Matte paintings and poor FX aside, Descendents worst problem is that it's dull and uninteresting. The movie is about kids trying to survive in the world of Zombie Apocalypse, and yet the Zombies post absolutely no threat to them because they won't attack them... what in the hell do you have left then? I'll tell you what; a bunch of silent scenes showcasing kids walking around, and some flashbacks that add nothing interesting or exciting to the movie. Nothing much happens, little is explained, and what insight into the story that we do get makes no sense whatsoever.

Had the Zombies in this movie not only looked better, but actually had been a threat to Camille and the other kids, it might have been worthwhile. Imagine a small group of little kids running for their lives and fighting tooth and nail against hordes of ravenous Zombies who want nothing else other than to eat them alive. Now that sounds like a kick ass movie.

If only...

Grrrr!

I imagine that the director had very little money with which to make his movie, but if that's the case, you can still make the story interesting and effective. Putting pen to paper is absolutely free. 

I will say this for the movie, as WTF!? and out of place as the ending was, it actually managed to interest me. It made absolutely no sense, and it felt like someone giving me a hug and saying "I love you" after repeatedly kicking me in the balls, but I can't help liking it in some twisted way. Had the movie spent more time going to the place that the ocean scene at the end did, I think I may have enjoyed it on some odd level.

As a meditation on the trials and fragility of childhood, I suppose this movie might work. As a Horror movie though, it just doesn't. After waiting so long to finally see this movie, to say that we were underwhelmed and disappointed is an understatement. THE ONLY REASON this movie doesn't earn a DO NOT WANT rating from us is for the last scene, which really caught us off guard and kinda piqued our interest. That is not a reason for us to recommend this movie however, so really, just do yourself a favor and avoid it.

D-

Patricia Lopez is in this. We're not really familiar with much of her work, and yet somehow we're big fans...