VOD Review: Wish Upon (2017)

"We wish it would have been better."

The problem with most PG-13 flicks that come out of Hollywood is that they all feel the same: We get a cast of young, good-looking people who wade their way through generic scripts that play to the trends of the time, and the final result usually fails offer little in the way of genuine scares or anything else compelling that might actually make them good.

Well, we got suckered into watching this one, and while it was a slick looking movie that offered some decent kills, it's little more than a safe, generic Hollywood flick that makes a mess of an interesting premise.

Haunted by her mother's suicide, and having to deal with her garbage picking father, poor Clare is a Highschooler who just wants to be popular, have a hot boyfriend, and have a normal family... so luckily for her, her embarrassment of a Dad finds a Chinese music box in a dumpster and gives it to her for her birthday.

THANKS, DAD.

Clare soon discovers that the box grants seven wishes, and so she uses she uses the first one to make the mean girl who picks on her at school, rot. Seeing how effective the box is, she then uses more wishes to gain money, become  popular, and for the hot boy at school to be in love with her.

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR MAKING STUPID WISHES!

The box also demands that a blood price must be paid for each wish, which means that someone close to Clare has to die every time she uses it... which she does, to wish for the dumbest shit in the world. All the while, her friends and family die horrible deaths, which finally makes her realize that she has to figure out a way to stop the box from killing again!

Maybe just stop wishing. That would stop it.

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? IT'S KILLING YOUR LOVED ONES!

Wish Upon is harmless enough, and it'll probably make for a decent watch for the average teenager who thinks that Annabelle was scary, but it has some issues that make it really hard for us to take it seriously.

So every time the box grants a wish, a blood price must be paid, which means that someone Clare knows has to die. You'd figure that after her dog, her uncle, and the kind neighbor lady (whom she's known since she was little) died in horrific ways after she's made wishes, that she'd stop and think "Hey, maybe this is all connected?" Fine, we know she's in a Horror movie and she doesn't, so we can let that slide... right up until the guy she's crushing on has his cousin try to decipher the writing on the box, which she does, and then dies right after.

And Clare keeps on wishing.

If a magical box grants you a wish, and them someone you know dies, that should probably give you pause. I can accept that the first time it happened, that a young and naive teenager might not catch onto that, but after it happens again, multiple times, you'd have to be really stupid not to think that the wishes and the deaths are connected.

And the wishes she makes are stupid as hell."I want to be popular!", "I wish my Dad wouldn't embarrass me so much!", "I wish a boy would be in love with me!", "I want to be rich!" Fine, she's a teenage girl, and there's a lot of drama that goes along with that, but is that the best she can come up with? 

Shame, all of that, because it's a well-made movie that has a decent cast, and could have been entertaining had they not made it so ridiculous.

MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL WISH FOR WORLD PEACE!

There are a few solid gore gags in this one, even though it's a PG-13 flick.

THE BOX DON'T PLAY.

PG-13 material here. It's kid-friendly.

THIS IS AS SEXY AS IT GETS.

Wish Upon is a fun (at times) movie that makes little sense, in a frustrating way. If you can put aside its plot flaws, and just enjoy it for being the stupid, generic teen terror flick that it is, you may dig it.

Check your brain at the door though.

D+

Wish Upon is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

The lovely victims of the Chinese music/wishing box.

VOD Review: The Hexecutioners (2017)

"A slow burn of an Indie film that delivers the creepy goods."

(aka Sky Burial.)
Release Date: May 5th, 2017.
Country: Canada.
Rating: NR.
Written by: Tony Burgess.
Directed by: Jesse Thomas Cook.
Starring: Liv Collins, Sarah Power, and Timothy Burd.

I've been putting off watching this movie for months, and I'm not exactly sure why. It's got two hot lead actresses, it boasts a fairly unique set-up, and it's written by the guy who wrote Pontypool, so at face value, it should be a decent flick, right?

Well that's exactly what it is; a decent Horror flick that gets more right than it does wrong.

Three years ago, Proposition 117 was passed, making assisted-suicide legal in (presumably) Canada and the United States. This of course leads to right-to-die companies popping up all over the place, because, capitalism. In the present day, Malison McCourt is a mousy wallflower of a girl who is starting a new job as an assisted-suicide nurse at one such company. She really has no idea what she's getting herself into, and her first day shows her that being an angel of mercy sent to give suffering people the sweet release that they so desperately wish for (and need), isn't going to be an easy gig at all.

SHE HAD A ROUGH FIRST DAY.

She's eventually paired up with the sexy, confident Olivia, who is tasked with showing her the assisted-suicide ropes, and how to be a sex kitten with minimal effort. The two of them travel to a remote Owen Sound mansion where they are to help their newest client head into the great beyond via a "Sky Ritual", which really sounds like it might involve Satan somehow.

"WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR WHAT CHAPTER THREE SAYS."

Their stay in the mansion introduces them to a creepy caretaker of sorts named Edgar; sees Malison having all manner of disturbing, and possibly prophetic dreams; and the relationship between the two girls gets pretty intense, and almost ends in lesbian hi-jinks... until it's revealed that Olivia is a prude, although I suppose that with all of the supernatural craziness that they're about to unleash, that's probably for the best.

Sky ritual madness ensues.

INSERT CRUDE "EARNING HER RED WINGS" JOKE HERE.

The Hexecutioners isn't a perfect movie, but it's a well-made Indie that boasts a great location, some sharp camera work, has atmosphere to spare, and it offers something different in a Genre where so many plots feel the same, even if it devolves into familiar territory towards the end. We did like how the ending went to places that we didn't expect it to though.

While the plot of The Hexecutioners is centered around the issue of assisted suicide, it never tries to preach to us and tell us that one side of that debate is the best one to be on. This is a Horror movie, not a political debate, so that's how it should be. That premise does make for a fairly original narrative though, and it works rather well, despite that fact that it's bound to divide audiences on the core issue.

Liv Collins has only starred in three full-length movies (all of them being Horror), but she's got a presence that makes it seem like she's been doing this for years. She's not only pretty, but she's compelling to watch, especially given the turns that her character goes through. Sarah Power was fantastic as the sexy Olivia, and while her resume is a bit longer than her co-star's, this is still the first thing we've seen her in as well. Hopefully they'll both show up in more movies soon, because they did a great job here. 

"SO THEN THAT'S A HARD NO ON THE SCISSOR-KISSING, RIGHT?"

There are some bloody good moments and kills towards the end, and plenty of disturbing imagery throughout.

GINGER AND THE BEAST.

Sarah Power goes topless in what just might be the best scene in the movie. Also, Liv Collins takes a bath. The two of them almost have some lesbian sex too, but that was not to be, which was really disappointing.

YOU DON'T WANT US TO STARE, THEN DON'T TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF AND STAND THERE LOOKING ALL SEXY!

Assisted-suicide is not something that should ever become corporate-owned. Also, all redheads are crazy.

SWEET AND DEMURE MY ASS.

An above average effort, The Hexecutioners delivers the supernatural goods for the most part, even if its two lead actresses are its strongest asset. Both of them were new by us, and they made the movie, which was decent enough on its own, better for their presence.

Give it a rent when you're in the mood for something a bit different.

C+

The Hexecutioners is available now on VOD and DVD.

The movie's two gorgeous angels of death, Liv Collins and Sarah Power.

VOD Review: Rupture (2017)

"This movie made me rupture."

I watched Rupture a couple of months back, and I've been sitting on this review ever since then, mainly because I wasn't sure I actually wanted to review it.

I do that sometimes; watch a flick and then have no desire to review it. It takes a lot of time to put a review together, and sometimes I just don't want do it after a flick has let me down. We've done 978 on thus site reviews so far, and if I had to guess, we've probably watched almost as many flicks that we haven't reviewed. There's only so much time in a day, and I hate wasting it on something that I'm not "feeling."

That's the issue with Rupture: It was a good looking movie, a twisted movie, and it had some truly WTF moments throughout, but at the end it just left me feeling flat.

So why am I finally messing with it now? Not sure. I'm flighty like that.

After being abducted from a desolate stretch of road, a woman named Renee is taken to a dingy warehouse where she's strapped to a metal table by a group of odd people who wear goggles with telescopic lenses, and subjected to a series of physical and mental tortures which are somehow supposed to make her "rupture."

"YOU HAVE LOVELY SKIN."

What in the hell does that mean? Well I've seen the movie and I'm still not quite sure, but it involves spiders, and odd liquid that's shot into people's veins, and Michael Chiklis doing his best pod person imitation.

IT ALSO INVOLVES DUCT TAPE. THE SHINY KIND, BECAUSE THAT MAKES THINGS SCARIER.

Rupture was a competent enough movie that just didn't go anywhere.

It's pretty intense. what with Noomi Rapace climbing through air vents to escape her captors and what not (and I won't lie, anything with spiders crawling on people gives me the willies in a big way), but it takes forever for us to learn anything about what's even going on, and when we do find out what the point of everything is, it's like well what's the point of that?

"The point is to get her to rupture, dummy."
"Yeah but why why are they trying to get her to rupture, whatever the hell that is?"
"Because they can."

Honestly, they're using fear to get people to "rupture" and "evolve" into beings who have no fear, but why? Are they aliens or monsters trying to take over the world, one ruptured person at a time? Are they just starting a club, and they really want some new members?

With a premise like that (as odd as it is), and with a cast that includes Noomi, Michael Chiklis, Peter Stormare and Kerry Bishe, you'd expect things to be captivating and well-played at least, even if nothing really has a point or makes any sense.

But no, that is not the case here.

LIKE US, NOOMI IS TRAPPED IN A GLASS CAGE OF WTF.

Aside from some facial disfiguration and a bunch of crawling spiders, this one is plenty disturbing, but not very bloody at all.

THIS MOVIE WAS TOUGH TO GET THROUGH, JUST LIKE THAT VENT WAS FOR HER.

Nope.

NOW HAD SHE BEEN CRAWLING AROUND NAKED... NO, STILL WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED.

With a cast this solid, and being that it was helmed by a guy who has made a great movie like Secretary, I have to wonder why Rupture ended up being so bland and forgettable. It plods along, not doing much of anything until it finally reveals its game plan that makes little sense, and worse, didn't make us care at all.

A great idea and a talented cast squandered, that's what Rupture is.

D+

Rupture is available now on VOD.

Not even Noomi and Kerry could save this one.