Need Some Christmas Un-Cheer? Rare Exports (2010)

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is a fun little Finnish Horror/Fantasy that tells the tale of a bunch of reindeer herders who have a really crappy Christmas when the original Santa Claus is unearthed from his "Sacred Tomb."

It's a fun little flick that puts a different spin on the Killer Santa story, much like the Dutch film Sint does, albeit in a very different way. Rare Exports is even kid-friendly, so you can watch it as a family unit!

Click the poster above to peruse our review, and then go and find it on Netflix or something, and enjoy.

There's only one week left until Christmas... are you in the Holiday Spirit yet?

Need Some Christmas Un-Cheer? Sint (2011)

The history of Dutch Horror Movies isn't all that prolific. We've seen a few Dutch offerings like Sl8n8 (Slaughter Night) and Dood Eind (Dead End), and thought them to be fairly entertaining in their own way, but didn't find them to be all that fantastic.

With Sint, we found ourselves excited to see a Killer Santa Claus flick made from a foreign perspective, because let's face it; Killer Santa flicks here in the U.S. are usually nothing but Slasher flicks that are looking to stir up some controversy.

Sint (Saint) is a story about Niklas, a former Saint better known to the Dutch as the legendary Sinterklaas. Sinterklaas is pretty much the inspiration for the far more popular legend of Santa Claus. Depending on where you are in the world, he's also known as Father Christmas, Joulupukki, Pere Noel... Yeah, he has a lot of names, but he also has a world full of kids to deliver toys to in a short 24 hour window, so, who are we to bitch?

In this movie though, he's just plain old Sinterklaas, so don't get it twisted.

In Sint, Niklas is a former Bishop who has fallen from the good graces of the Church. He's also an evil bastard who decides to start a gang that roams the countryside, raping, murdering, and plundering to their heart's content. Everything is going great for the merry band of scumbags until a lynch mob burns Niklas and his bloodthirsty men to death.

Revenge is vowed.
 
To everyone else, Sinterklaas is a sweet and joyful Christmas legend; one that is celebrated by Dutch people every year, especially children who love presents. Sinterklaas and his "elves" appear every year on December 5th, but only the December 5th's which coincide with a full moon, which is only every 32 years... Not sure what that's all about, but it's his thing. Anywho, when he does appear, he kills everybody, because, fuck people. 

"Yes, Sinterklaas will make you pass away if you don't go to sleep right now!"

The last full moon which fell on a December 5th was back in 1968. When Sinterklaas appeared that night, he and his Zwarte Pieten* killed all sorts of people, including the family of a small boy named Goert.


*For the record, the Zwarte Pieten (or Black Petes) are the Dutch equivalents of Santa's Elves... in black face. In Sint, the Black Petes are black because of being charred in the fire that killed them, not because of anything racist. Sure. No racism at all.

Why Al Sharpton has never marched on Amsterdam, we may never know.

Cut to 2010, where little Gorko (or whatever) is all grown up, and is now an Amsterdam Cop. Also, December 5th is rapidly approaching... and this year it coincides with a full moon! Gorky knows what this means, and tries his best to get everyone to cancel all of the Sinterklaas parties and what not, because he knows that they're all going to die if they don't.

Of course no one listens to him, and when the night of December 5th arrives, it finds Sinterklaas and his Racist Elves running around Amsterdam and slaughtering people at will, just as Gorky predicted. Together with some other dude, Gorky sets out to stop Sinterklaas once and for all.

Good luck with that, Gorko.

The idea of Sinteklaas and his Zwarte Pieten coming to life and slaughtering everyone that they come across, is an interesting one. Sint is a mostly engaging flick, doing a great job of setting the mood, and steeping its story in Legend. In many ways, It felt like a Dark Fairytale.

We really liked the flashback sequences (both 1492 & 1968), we loved the ethereal feel of the movie, and Sinterklaas was pretty fun and creepy to watch. Sint also contains homages to movies like Halloween & The Fog, and at times it even feels like it's tipping its hat to a Spielberg flick or two.

All in all, the movie was a pretty fun and interesting watch.

She's about to play "hide the nose" with that snowman.

Sint lacked focus. It started off fairly strong, but kinda fell apart as it wore on. It didn't really deliver the oomph that we though it would, and it kind of became more of an Action Comedy than a Horror movie, by the time all was said and done.

The back story of Sinterklaas could have been explored a bit more too. 10 minutes showing us how he fell from grace, and his subsequent actions leading up to forming his creepy band of murderers would have gone a long way towards fleshing the movie out a bit more.

Robert DeNiro?

Where did Lisa go? She's all over the movie for a while, and then she just kinda disappears... what a terrible waste of some good Caro Lenssen!

"You'll never find me. I'm hiding in a different movie lol."

 Sinterklaas and his Black Petes kill plenty of Dutch folk in bloody, nasty ways.

The legend of Santa Claus (no matter which version, or from whatever part of the world) is terrifying.

Yeah, Santa has an axe... now run!

Sint is a fun (if uneven) flick, that puts a new spin on the average Killer Santa movie. It's not as tight of a movie as we would have liked, and it's definitely a bit more "funny" than we prefer, but overall it was a fun watch that was well worth our time.

If you're looking for a different kind of Christmas Horror flick this Holiday Season, you should definitely give this one a go.

C+

I don't know where this Caro Lenssen chick has been all of our lives, but she makes us love The Netherlands even more.

 

 

 

Need Some Christmas Un-Cheer?- Silent Night (2012)

We reviewed Silent Night last year about this time, and since we loved it so much, we have no choice but to revisit it again this Christmas.

Silent Night is a "remake" of the notorious 80's Cult Classic, Silent Night, Deadly Night. It's a much better (and much different) movie than the original, and if you're the kind of sick twist that enjoys watching Santa mercilessly punish the naughty, then this movie is most definitely for you.

Click the poster above to peruse our review, and then go and find it on Netflix or something, and enjoy.

As a special Stocking Stuffer, let's take a gander at Silent Night's Cortney Palm, who is just about as fine of a present as any man could ever hope to ask for. That's a hint, Santa.

DVD Review: Silent Night, Bloody Night (1974)

When people talk about this movie, they always seem to point out that it pre-dated Black Christmas by two years, and that it somehow did so many of the things that Black Christmas did, first.

I can see that to a point, but let's be clear here; Bob Clark didn't lift anything from SNBN for his own film. Aside from the some creepy phone calls and the POV shots of the killers moving around, the two films aren't very similar at all.

Silent Night, Bloody Night doesn't even have much to do with Christmas, truth be told, aside from a very vague Christmastime "setting."

SNBN is the story of Wilfred Butler, and the famous (in the movie) "Butler House." Wilfred and his family live a happy life in Butler House, until some shady and creepy shit goes down, which ends with Wilfred disappearing, then reappearing years later, only to set himself on fire or something. I don't know. I got confused.

What happened in that house, Maryanne?

Wilfred leaves Butler House to his grandson Jeffrey, with the caveat that it must always remain "as it is" for all of eternity.

A few decades later, Jeffrey returns to Butler House, eager to sell the sprawling mansion for the whopping sum of $50k (gotta love those 70's real estate prices.) When he arrives, he meets a hot chick with a bunch of guns, and they become fast friends in about three minutes, despite the fact that he looks and acts like a serial rapist with secrets.

Long story short, people start dying. Wilfred's long-dead daughter, Maryanne, begins making creepy phone calls to the town's residents, urging them all to come out to the house for a visit, which no one does, because they're all terrified of the place and its history.

Confusion and creepiness ensue.

The only good kill scene in the movie.

Silent Night, Bloody Night is an alright movie, but it's kinda slow, and mostly uneventful. There's hardly any connection to Christmas to be found in the film, which is a bit of a letdown considering its title. The print we watched was in poor shape, and it was really hard to tell what was going on at times. The good news, for those who want to watch the movie, is that a newly remastered DVD version of the film is being released next Tuesday, December 10th. That's a good thing.

It's also not very bloody, for a movie wit the word bloody in the title.

For all of its faults, SNBN does a decent job at being creepy. The phone calls from "Maryanne" are chilling, the atmosphere is quiet and eerie throughout, and the odd flashbacks are truly unsettling in an realistic way. Once the story unfolds, and you find out what "happened" in the Butler House so long ago, it all ends up feeling a bit more twisted and dirty.

That bitch crazy.

If you're looking for a Christmas-themed Horror movie to enjoy, this one isn't really going to do much for you. It's definitely worth a watch, but just be aware that it's a slow-moving affair. It's a "Slasher" flick, but then again, it really isn't one at all. We're glad we watched it, but it's just not going to end up being one of our favorites or anything.

It's streaming now on Amazon Instant, but if you really want to see it, I'd honestly grab the DVD when it hits shelves next week. The video quality of the Amazon stream was really poor. Like "the first and the third screenshots above" poor. *That new, way-better DVD is linked below, so enjoy!

C

Silent Night, Bloody Night is available now on DVD and VOD.

Long-time Genre veteran Mary Woronov is in this. She's a classic.

Need Some Christmas Un-Cheer?- Christmas Evil (1980)

*Available now on Amazon Prime.

It's really hard to articulate our feelings about Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out.) On one hand, it's a fun little throwback to early 80's Horror flicks, and it made us nostalgia. On the other, it was one of those movies that made us say "Why?"

It had its moments, but for the most part it was just kinda slow and odd. The fact that John Waters called this movie "the greatest Christmas movie ever made" should clue you in as to exactly how different this movie is.

That is to say, very.

When Harry was a little kid, he wandered downstairs on Christmas Eve, only to find Ole' Santy Claus rubbing his Mom's leg, and sniffing her crotchal region from a safe distance. That's really all that happened; some mild groping from a respectful distance.

Sniff. Sniff. "That's not gingerbread! HO, HO, HO!"

This obviously drove the kid insane on the spot, because he runs upstairs in a fit of panic, breaks his favorite snow globe, and decides to cut his hand with a shard of glass. Again, a very underwhelming reaction to a very underwhelming inciting incident. I mean, the kid basically saw nothing, which causes him to flip his lid, and all he does is give his hand a small cut with a shard of glass? Loser.

I'm pretty sure this is where they got the ending to St. Elsewhere from.

30 years (or so) later, Harry is is all grown up and working at the worst toy factory ever, called Jolly Dreams. Honestly, the assembly line spits out the lamest looking toys at such a slow rate, it's a wonder how the place has so many employees. Anywho, Harry is a weirdo and a loser, and his co-workers pick on him because, why not? That's alright though, because at home he's doing everything he can to become the next Santa Claus! That'll show those jerks!

Honestly, he thinks he going to become the real Santa, which is doubly crazy because Santa isn't real to begin with, so not only is he a 30-year-old that thinks that an imaginary guy actually exists, but that he's going to become him by sewing a costume and humming Christmas tunes... Yeah.

He spends his time spying on the neighborhood kids through binoculars, and keeps "Naughty & Nice" books in which he records their every action, good or bad... which is really, REALLY creepy and inappropriate if you ask me.

He should be listed in a book too. It's called the Sex Offender Registry.

So Harry eventually becomes convinced that he is now actually Santa Claus, and he begins stealing presents from some kids (I'm assuming the bad ones) and giving them to other kids (I'm assuming the good ones.) All of this is accomplished via multiple instances of Breaking and Entering, and maybe a few meddling parents get offed along the way, but hey, Father Christmas is on a mission!

Christmas Evil was fun enough for what it was. What exactly is it, you ask? Well, it's a Slasher flick with hints of black comedy, and it's also about a guy slowly losing his mind. At times, it really feels like a character study. It's also about the magic of Christmas, and a reminder for us all to be good, or else a guy who thinks that he's Santa will murder us.

The main Nutjob's interaction with the kids in the movie was fairly unsettling, and we fully expected him to start knocking off the bad ones, but he never did. Still, the way that he spied on them was creepy enough for us.
  

Santa? Will you kill my parents for Christmas? Because I really hate them.

This movie was a bit confused as to what it wanted to be. It wasn't a straight forward Slasher flick like you might expect, because most of the movie is made up of character building and drama. It also seemed as if it wanted to be a black comedy at times, but then it got far to creepy for us to be able to laugh at it.

Then again it was the early 80's and that kind of thing was par for the course in the "lesser valued" genres.

The ending... It's still got me saying "what in the actual fuck just happened?" It was seriously one of those types of endings that you expect to see in your typical 70's/80's Italian Horror flick; you know, the ones that come out of nowhere, and make absolutely no sense whatsoever? In fact, the ending here made so little sense, that it actually kinda does make sense. I think. I am honestly confused right now.

I don't even...

There's not a ton of violence to be had here, but we do get a nutcracker to the eye, some axe violence, and a not-harrowing-at-all hand cutting scene.

There are way more killer Santa Claus movies than we had previously realized. Also, any grown man who has a bunch of dolls in his house is a creepy freak.

If you like the nostalgic kitsch of early 80's Horror movies, then you may well love Christmas Evil. It's kinda slow, doesn't have a ton of blood and gore in it, and the ending is off-the-charts crazy, but hey, you might be off-the-charts crazy too.

Amazon Instant has it streaming for free right now, so give it a go if you need a dose of holiday Un-Cheer. Just don't expect too much.

C

Christmas Evil is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

A young and spry Jeffrey DeMunn (formerly of The Walking Dead) is in this. We truly hated Dale on that show, but Jeffrey DeMunn is nothing but aces in our book.