VOD Review: Pet (2016)

"Why not just get yourself a dog?"

It's going to be difficult to discuss this movie, and the things that we loved about it, without spoiling the big twist that gave the movie its juice.

Saying that always feels like a cop-out to me, because some people read reviews to hear the spoiler-y in-depth thoughts of guys like me, but then again spoilers suck, and sometimes, whether we like to read them or not, a movie just plays better without knowing them.

Pet is just one of those movies that I think deserves to be seen as out of the loop as possible.

Seth is an awkward loner who works at animal shelter, because he relates better to dogs than he does people. When he runs into his high school crush, Holly, on a bus, she doesn't remember him because hot chicks don't usually remember awkward geeks that walked past them in the hallway 10 years ago. This prompts him to do what any awkward loner whose crush won't give him the time of day would do in his shoes: he stalks her on the Internet and sends her flowers.

AND STALKS HER AT WORK.

Holly lives with her BFF Claire, and has an on again/off again relationship with some douchebag bartender, so she has no room in her life for a geeky creeper. This doesn't make Seth happy at all, so he decides to kidnap her and put her in a cage in the dark recesses of the animal shelter's basement, so that he can "Help" her. Now, when a creepy dude locks a hot chick up in a cage, you might assume that such "Help" is going to involve a gimp mask, three cans of Crisco, and a half-starved cat with distemper, but no, he actually wants to help her... because the girl has got some issues of her own.

And that's all we're saying.

YEAH, SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S IN DIRE NEED OF HELP.

A lot of critics have not been kind to Pet, calling it disappointing, disjointed, and even misogynistic. All of that is a bunch of bullshit, especially that last part, because the word misogynistic gets thrown around way too much these days. As it pertains to this movie, I'd argue that given the strength of the female lead, the content within is anything but misogynistic. First off, a crazy dude kidnapping a girl and locking her in a cage isn't misogynistic, it's crazy. Furthermore, when the girl in question is smart, cunning, and... well, a bit crazy herself, she's anything but a helpless victim.

I don't know. You watch the movie, then tell me if I'm crazy or not.

This movie is a twisted ride that doesn't really offer much in the way of sympathetic characters, not truly, although at times our feelings did get a bit confused. Dominic Monaghan and his leading lady, the gorgeous Ksenia Solo, had some gritty work (both physically and psychologically) to do in this one, and they handled it perfectly.

Anyone who watched the TV show Lost Girl already knows who Ksenia Solo is. I have never watched that show, but her performance here as the crazy bitch in a cage has made me realize that I need to, because the girl can act. She plays subtly dangerous very well, and for me, she is what made this movie work as well as it does.

And Dominic Monaghan is world famous for his role in the Lord of the Rings flicks and LOST, which honestly, is enough acting credit to buy him everlasting goodwill from me. The dude is also and animal fanatic, and he tends to be good in whatever he does, and it's nice to see him play a "bad guy" in this one. He does dark and creepy very well.

The one issue that we had with the movie was that the twist, which we really dug, was revealed way too early on. I really want to elaborate, but I'd hate to spoil the table-turning in this one.

YEAH. TIME TO RUN.

Once the movie gets going, there's plenty of gruesome and uncomfortable material to endure, including a murder scene which was truly nasty. Dogs will eat anything!

A MOVIE FILLED WITH WET, RED DELIGHTS. THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

No nudity here, which given the subject  matter, is probably a good thing.

SIGH.

"Seth's got a little crush." Perfect line delivery.

DIDN'T REALLY THINK THIS ONE THROUGH, DID YA?

Damn the naysayers, this little pet project of Dominic Monaghan's is a gem, even if it isn't quite perfect. It's bloody, twisted, and disturbing on more than one level, which at the end of the day, is really all we ask of a movie about a rapey creep keeping a hot chick locked in a cage.

Rent it now, and enjoy the carnage.

B+

Pet is available now on VOD and DVD.

Ksenia Solo may be the sexiest Latvian-Canadian actress of all-time. Then again, she may be the only Latvian-Canadian actress, so...

VOD Review: Tell Me How I Die (2016)

"Another day, another Kirby Bliss Blanton film."

So maybe we did seek this movie out because it had Kirby Bliss Blanton in it. It also had a pretty interesting concept going for it, and we dug the trailer too, so it's not like we only watched it because it has one of our favorite modern day Hottie's in it or something.

Although, that's not an entirely bad reason to check out a movie either. After all, that's what fandom is all about, even if that fandom is based on illicit things that run through our mind every time we see a particular actress.

We're only human folks, don't judge us.

What do you do when you're 20-something, and you need some extra cash in this modern era of slacktivism and self-entitlement? No, you don't get a job -this is 2017, people need quicker and easier options than that- what you do is you rent your body to science for experimentation!

DON'T WORRY, BABY, IT ONLY HURTS THE FIRST TIME.

Lead Hottie, Hottie #2, the Snarky Daredevil, the Aww Shucks Nice Guy, and the Wacky Asian Nerd have signed up for a drug trial in a fancy, isolated building, that will see a memory-enhancing drug tested on them. The drug comes with some nasty (and yet, potentially fun) side effects, like being able to see into the future. Lead Hottie's reaction to the drug is a bit different though, as her future visions are of each of them dying.

"OH MY GOD, I CAN SEE FOREVER!"

Soon enough, our generic characters learn that there's a killer on the loose, and that each of them is dying in the ways that Lead Hottie predicted, and so they spend the rest of the movie trapped in an isolated building by a fierce CGI snowstorm, trying to outwit the killer and survive their own pre-visualized deaths.

NOT ALL OF THEM MAKE IT.

A Slasher flick dressed up in aspects of Final Destination-like precognition, Tell Me How I Die is an above average effort thanks to an interesting premise, and some slick visuals. And of course, the presence of the ultra-hot Kirby Bliss Blanton instantly makes the whole thin better. Virginia Gardner also had a serious case of the hotties going on, and both she and Kirby, along with their male co-stars, did the best they could with the generic characters that they were bidden to play.

It was fun and thrilling in a way to watch the characters try to escape their fates, even if you know that all but one or two of them were most likely going to die, because this is a Horror flick, and people need to die. 

On the flip side, the script is pretty shallow, offering very little in the way of character development, and it's a bit over-complicated at times as well. The CGI snow wasn't fooling anyone either.

And the way they handled the killer, and their motivation, in this film left something to be desired too. Not only are they "revealed" far too late, but their motivation for killing everyone is just over-convoluted, and it didn't have enough depth and backstory to make it impactful like it should have been.

DON'T DESPAIR, LEAD HOTTIE, IT WASN'T ALL BAD.

There's some bloodshed to be had throughout this one, but it didn't really push the graphic envelope like it could have. Some of it was obscured by the shadowy darkness that enveloped this movie too, which kinda sucked.

WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH THAT?

Nope, but Kirby Bliss Blanton does spend the entire movie in a tank top. That's something, I suppose...

"UM, EXCUSE ME... MY BOOBS ARE DOWN THERE!"

Despite the slow pace, and the lackluster ending, I really enjoyed Tell Me How I Die for what it was, and what it tried to be. It's the kind of slick, well-made Indie that we love around here, and it stars Kirby Bliss, who is now our unofficial girl mascot, so it worked for us. If you can forgive some egregious plot holes and some truly shitty CGI snow, then you will probably have a good time with this one.

C+

Tell Me How I Die is available now on VOD.

Virginia Gardner is new by us, but we like what we see so far. Also, Kirby Bliss is our boo.

VOD Review: Siren (2016)

"We fell under the spell of this Siren's song."

Back in 2012, we reviewed  the first movie in the V/H/S (HERE), which bears noting, because Siren is the full-length adaptation of one of the segments in that first movie, Amateur Night.

What is also of note is that the full-length effort actually came out better than its short-form predecessor did, which is usually not the case when shorts make the jump to feature length.

And it's not Found Footage, which is absolutely a good thing.

Jonah and his 2 best friends hit the town for a bachelor party that he'll never forget, because alcohol, drugs, and strippers are pretty dawned memorable. After the first strip club they hit ends up being a bust, some random dude tells them about a really great, super secret place way out in the woods, where their wildest fantasies can some true. Since absolutely nothing about that setup sounds shady or dangerous, they follow the guy, because they're stupid.

DO THESE LOOK LIKE GUYS SMART ENOUGH TO RESIST SUCH A TEMPTING OFFER?

Turns out the place is a brothel run by a devilish fellow named Mr. Nyx, who promises to fulfill all of the guys fantasies and desires in exchange for their best memory. Thinking he's nuts, they agree, he takes their best memory from them (using voodoo or something), and then they begin to enjoy the sinful delights of the place.

"THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, BOYS."

Jonah ruins the night however by freeing a stripper who is locked up and tethered in a seedy backroom, which allows her to kill everyone (except for him, because she likes him), because she's the Siren. They mate for life, you know, so needless to say Jonah's wedding plans may be changing...

YEAH, YEAH, WE KNOW. YOU LIKE HIM.

Director Gregg Bishop, who gave us the underrated zombie flick Dance of the Dead (review HERE) takes his craft to another level with Siren. It's funny, smartly-written, boasts a likeable cast playing likable (or at least tolerable) characters, and it offers plenty of nudity and gore to satisfy our baser likes.

Hannah Fierman does a great job of stretching the character of Lily into something more than she was in the original short film. Sure she's terrifying, but the actress also makes her sympathetic and likable, which is no mean feat considering the character exists solely to lure men to their deaths. Justin Welborn's Mr. Nyx was memorable as well, taking another character that we knew we should be scared of, and making him likable. It's really nice to see well-rounded characters in a flick like this for a change.

And if we're being honest, some of the cgi is a bit lackluster, but that's a minor annoyance, really.

THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH STRIPPERS.

The Siren definitely gets her bloody feed on in this one, and lots of people meet a gruesome end.

LIKE THIS GUY.

Hannah Fierman, bless her heart, spends every second of her screen time buck naked. Now, it's not an overly-gratuitous kind of thing, but it can't have been easy to have been naked on set so much.

There are also plenty of other girls in various stages of undress throughout this one.

THOSE BOOTS...

Way better than we expected it to be, Siren ended up being one of the better genre movies that we saw in 2016. It's an entertaining effort for sure, and one that you should check out, especially if you liked the Amateur Night segment in V/H/S.

B+

Siren is available now on VOD and DVD.

She's only in the movie very briefly, but Elyse Dufour is too fiery hot for us to ignore. Like seriously, more please.