The 2014 Horror Hotties Archive

We feature the lovely Ladies of Horror at the end of just about every review that we do, but sometimes they just need their own special post! They make the ugly, bloody, gory, nasty movies that we love prettier just for their presence alone, so they deserve an extra bit of love now and then, dontcha think?

So check out the Horror Hotties below, and then promptly go watch their flicks... or you could do that part later, if you prefer.

Blu-ray Review: Carrie (2013)

(aka Worst Prom Ever)
Release Date: On Blu-ray & DVD now.
Country: USA
Written by: Lawrence D. Cohen, Roberto Aguirre-Sicasa, and Stephen King (novel.)
Directed by: Kimberly Peirce.
Starring: Chloe Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Gabrielle Wilde, and Judy Greer.

Remakes are never going to stop, especially in the Horror genre. they just won't. It's simple economics, really; people like things that are new, yet feel familiar, and Studio's make money off of what people like, so...

Most Horror movies cost very little to make (at least comparatively to other genres), and even the "Higher End" Studio projects like this tend to keep their budgets under $30 million, so as far as bang for the buck goes, Horror remakes are really a no-brainer. Monetarily, that is.

We could go on and on at novel-length about the whole remake issue, but the bottom line is this: familiar sells.

Carrie was not a movie that needed to be remade. The 1976 Brian De Palma original still stands up today as an effective piece of genre artistry, and really, there's no way that any remake could have matched it for its tone and feel...

... and yet here is the remake of that very same 1976 Classic, doing a pretty decent job of accomplishing exactly that. Mostly.

Nearly 40 years after the release of the novel and original movie, you already know the plot of Carrie: "A shy, withdrawn, picked-on and browbeaten girl named Carrie White develops Telekinetic powers, flips her shit, and kills everyone who has ever wronged her."

Sure, that's a simple way to look at the plot, but it's also a VERY accurate way to describe it. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's the original blurb on the novel's dustcover. *Or maybe not.

"Relax, Mom, I don't even have my dirty pillows yet!"

Teased by the pretty and popular kids at school, and chastised at home by her crazy mother for being a sinful whore, it's no wonder that the poor girl has a break with reality and decides to crush/tear/electrocute/mangle people to death with the mere power of her mind.

Aside from one teacher at school, and two cool kids with hearts of gold, they all have it coming anyway.

A girl's first period gone very wrong.

As unnecessary as this remake is, it's equally as decent. For a modern day Hollywood Horror production to not only go with an R-Rating, but to then make the most out of it, is a true rarity. The producers of this movie went with "artistic integrity" over Box Office with this effort, and the fact that they didn't scale back on the violence or subject matter in the name of some extra profit, benefited the quality of their film greatly.

Don't get it twisted; it's not a perfect effort, but it really is an effective one. It's not a very scary movie, but it's definitely filled with tension and delivers some jolts in the graphic kills department. It's also interesting to see the remake make a few changes to the story like giving us a little backstory on Carrie's conception and birth. Not all of the changes in this new version worked for us, but they at least felt like they belonged in the story that the remake was telling.

"Whore!"

As far as the cast goes, Chloe Moretz was good as Carrie White, even if she didn't really fit the role of "weird and creepy girl" very well. She's a great little actress that did the most she could in this odd-fitting role, it was just hard for us to swallow the idea that this beautiful girl was the school creep, in any way whatsoever. Julianne Moore, on the other hand, was absolutely weird and creepy as Carrie's insane,  zealot of a Mother. Judy Greer is a fave of ours (it's that Michigan + Greer connection), and she does a great job here as the sympathetic Teacher. We've always felt that she's way underrated, and deserves a little more wide recognition for her versatility. *Check out Archer on FX for a great example of her versatility.

Had there never been a movie from 1976 called Carrie to compare it to, this 2013 version would stand on its own as being an above average Teen Terror flick. That's really the best that a movie like this could really hope for.

It's about time that she faced up to what a bitch she is. Zing!

Chloe Moretz is way too good looking to play Carrie White. Carrie is supposed to be awkward, gangly, creepy, and about 12 other adjectives that would never come into any discussion when describing Chloe Moretz. It's almost like they just decided that letting her hair look dirty and unkempt was supposed to give her that "Creepy Carrie" vibe... Chloe looks every bit the Prom Queen, not the outcast loser that Carrie White is supposed to be.

We also didn't really care to see her spare someone in the midst of her frenzied Prom massacre, mainly because she's supposed to be frenzied, which should preclude her from being selective in her killing.

Yeah, she definitely looks like an outcast.

The hand/body movements that Carrie made every single time she used her powers were a bit cheesy. Also, Chloe looked like she was trying too hard to be "crazy" when she was killing everyone. Chloe Moretz had to act her ass off to make us believe that she was unattractive and creepy, and there were times during the movie where you could tell that she was really pushing it.

Sissy Spacek was so effective as Carrie White because while appearing timid and odd, she could make her crazy eyes flare up with fiery insanity at a moments notice. It never came off like she was acting.

Take it down a notch, Chloe.

Surprisingly, there's a ton of blood in this one, and tons of people die in horrific, graphic ways. The finale at the Prom came off well, and it was every bit as bloody as was the original. The Windshield gag was definitely our favorite.

Kudos to all those involved in this movie's production to go for the R-Rating instead of pandering to a younger demographic and giving us a watered down effort a wider Teen audience.

That's a lot of blood.

No. The star of the movie is 16, and Juliette Moore is like 50, so, we're fine with them not being naked. That's us trying to be appropriate, not us being ageist jerks. In 2 years, Chloe can be as naked as she pleases, but for now, we ain't havin' it.  

This is as naked as anyone gets in this movie.

Never pick on the odd, withdrawn loser in school. Also, Religious zealots never seem to win, do they?

Harsh, but she did kill an entire graduating class...

As we do when most Horror remakes are announced, we scoffed at the idea of a Carrie reboot; we feared that it would be a watered-down, kid-friendly effort that would lack any of the gravitas that Brian De Palma's original classic had, and that it would be another "meh" effort. Well, we were wrong. This updated version of the Carrie White story was a pretty solid effort that managed to be bloody and effective, despite its weak points.

If you didn't see it in theaters, you could do worse than to give it a buy or a rent now. You'll most likely be as surprised as we were that not only does it not suck, but that it was actually pretty good.

Carrie is available now on Blu-ray/DVD, and VOD.

B

Being as she's one of the hottest young adult properties in Hollywood, it's crazy to think that Chloe Moretz has the best years of her career still ahead of her. She's already starred in plenty of great genre projects at this point, and we can't wait to see what her resume will look like 10 years from now.

 

 

Dark Touch (2013)

It's hard for us to say that we loved a movie that primarily deals with the horrific after-effects of child abuse, mainly because that is one heavy topic for any type of movie, Horror or not.

I mean, how do you really enjoy something like that, you know?

Dark Touch is a movie in which an 11-year-old girl comes to grips with her newly manifesting telekinetic abilities, while at the same time trying to recover from some pretty awful abuse that she's suffered.

I know everyone who has talked about this movie has likened it to Carrie, and here we are, about to do exactly the same thing, but it's a comparison that just begs to be made; both films involve a young girl with telekinetic powers who is abused by her parent(s), loses her shit, and uses said powers to kill people, whether deserving or innocent.

All in all, we'd have to say that we liked Carrie White's mother far more than we did Niamh's parents, because as abusive parents go, she really was the more loving and caring of the bunch.

That's saying a whole hell of a lot, isn't it?

The Breakdown section is going to contain more Spoilerific Material than it usually does, so be warned. If you just want to know whether we say yay or neigh about the movie, then skip the plot details and just read everything else.

And we mean EVERYTHING!

Niamh (pronounced 'Neeve,' because Irish names are odd) is a sweet 11-year-old girl, who has some problems at home. Her main problem is that her parents are abusive to her, both physically and sexually. Her other problem, which ends up being more of a problem for mom and dad than it does her, is that she has telekinetic abilities... which she justly uses to kill her parents with flying furniture and the like.

In Ireland, this is called "Friday Night." Zing! *Just kidding, it's actually "Thursday."

After hugging her infant brother to death, her neighbors take her in because the poor girl needs a good home now. They of course don't know about her TK powers, and so they don't really take the care that they should in making sure that she doesn't get pissed off or scared. Or creeped out. I mean forcing a girl (who's just been through all sorts of horrible abuse) to strip down and let you bathe her, just doesn't seem like a wise move. Then again, it doesn't seem like a wise (or normal) move at all, abuse or not.

"Bath time you say? Alright..."

As Niamh's inner fear and unease grows, so do her creepy and nefarious actions. Once she enlists a few other creepy kids to join her revenge gang, it's every man for themselves, as vengeance is doled out in liberal fashion to any and all who arouse her ire! Really, no one is safe, aside from her and her creepy cronies.

"Oh, so we're creepy then? Alright..."

Director Marina de Van is no stranger to disturbing material; if you've seen her 2002 Body Horror movie, In My Skin, then you're familiar with her willingness to shake her audience their core, all for the sake of her art and the message that she's trying to convey. Dark Touch may not be a viscerally disturbing as was In My Skin, but it's every bit as nasty in its themes, and the dark places that they force your mind to go to.

This is a well-made film which is beautiful to look at, and at times even feels haunting in its aesthetics. It's also a movie that makes you think, and makes some pretty strong statements about child abuse, and its devastating after-effects. Fear not though, it isn't heavy handed and preachy, it's just really effective at getting its point across.

That poor doll.

Little Missy Keating is great as Niamh. She manages to make us feel her character's inner-struggle, and it never comes off as a young actress trying too hard, or forcing her scenes. Should she decide to continue acting, this kid has a bright future ahead of her.

*On a fun side note, the Irish name Niamh actually means 'bright,' so we could have said "this kid has a niamh future ahead of her," and been completely correct in doing so. So there.

Are there any kids in Ireland that aren't fucking creepy?

How in the hell is Niamh pronounced "neeve?" Even with me being part Irish, the pronunciation of some Irish names just baffles the living hell out of me. Then again, I usually have to sound out most of my words phonetically...

Movies that deal with the topic of child abuse/molestation are always extra horrific to endure. I know that's a fairly obvious statement to make, but what do you want from us? The average Horror movie can be taxing enough (for better or worse), but when you add a real life horror like that to the mix, our heads end up feeling extra messed with. We just like to feel happy!

There are actually some pretty good gore gags in this one, our favorite being the first two on-screen murders, which we wont spoil here...

... aside from this picture, which is fairly spoilerish.

Other than a really disturbing scene in which an adult couple are given a creepy bath by a group of even creepier kids, there's no nudity in this one. Considering that this movie is about the horrors of child abuse, we're absolutely fine with that.

Be good to your kids, and if you're a creepy fucking pedophile, how about you just don't have kids. Also, never take in a kid whose parents just died under mysterious circumstances, because you're next.

Just let her run, man! She'll be better off alone in the woods... and so will everyone else.

Along with Wake Wood, Dark Touch is the best Irish Horror movie that we've seen. It's dark, disturbing, sometimes gruesome, and maybe even a bit poignant, and despite its nasty storyline, it was a thoroughly enjoyable watch.

Be sure to check out Dark Touch when it's released on DVD on January 28th, or catch it on VOD now. If you can handle the heavy subject matter at the heart of the movie, then it's well worth your time and money to give it a go.

B

Aww, look... Missy Keating isn't horrifyingly creepy in real life.

You know what is creepy though? Her dad's music. Take that, Ronan Keating!