Quick Review: Bitten (2008)

When I found out that Kevin Smith movie staple Jason Mewes (He's the Jay in Jay and Silent Bob) was in a vampire flick, I found myself growing curious, because I'm a fan of theirs.

See, Kevin Smith is snarky and vulgar, so he's right up my alley. As for Jay, he's kind of this skanky, burnout moron (on film anyway) who tends to say and do the dumbest shit possible, which usually ends up being hilarious. The guy is wicked funny. He also tends to bring an this odd likability to his characters; where as you know you should despise him, you end up liking him. It just can't be helped.

She likes him, right?

I got to meet Jason Mewes once. Long story short, I was working in a large retail store near the Menlo Park Mall in NJ, when I find this guy who looks a lot like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob standing in the action figure aisle. I ask him if he needs some help, and he says he needs some Fantastic Four figures for his comic book store in Red Bank. We talked for a few, and he told me if I could get my hands on what he wanted, that I should give him a call and bring them down to The Secret Stash. I'm leaving a lot of the details of this story out, because I'm pretty sure they involved weed and whores, but the point is it was an awesome geek moment for me. This was before Dogma came out, and even back then Kevin Smith's movies were like geek dogma to a guy like me. Many guys like me.

She might hate him.

Anyhow... After watching Red State, I came across this DVD that I had never watched, saw that Mewes was in it, and said why not. The verdict? Even though it wasn't the greatest movie in the world, I'm kinda glad I watched it.  

Bitten is the story of a loser paramedic (Mewes) who lives in shitty apartment, doesn't have a pot to piss in, and just got dumped by his girlfriend. As luck would have it, he finds a girl in the alley who is all bloody and looks to be dying, so he takes her home and tries to fix her up, being a man of medicine and all. She turns out to be a vampire, and the rest of the movie involves an awkward romance, and a lot of asshole people becoming snacks for her. As a vampire flick it's not bad. It's subtle, but it gets its point across. It seems as if it's more a romantic comedy about a vampire than a horror flick, but hey, we can't win 'em all, can we? The thing is though, it has heart, lots of blood, tons of T&A, and Mewes doing his thing, and not sucking in a mostly not funny role.    

That guy gets all the chicks.

Aw yea, yup yup! Just as Cool as Ice captured the hearts and minds of the 43 people (us included) that actually saw it, so does Bitten. Maybe Cool as Ice sucked. Maybe Vanilla Ice can't act. But maybe, just maybe, it's the best musical ever made involving a white rapper. Don't deny it. With ill rhymes and dope dance moves like his, who wouldn't want Vanilla Ice dating their daughter? Sure, you can poke fun at my man Vanilla for his shaved eyebrows, frosted hair, and cheesy music, but you're lying to yourself if you say that you don't crank up the radio every time Ice, Ice Baby comes on. Best guilty pleasure song ever.

Bitten is about forbidden love too, and in many ways, Jason Mewes is like the slacker version of Vanilla Ice. Only less black. Sure, both movies are shameful and "not good," but we love them all the same.

Erica Cox is hot. Also, her last name is Cox... and we looooove the Cox.

Quick Review: The Flock (2008)

Right off the bat, I know you're thinking "Richard Gere playing the tough guy? Yeah, right!" And who am I to blame you? Between Pretty Woman, and so many rampant rumors involving gerbils in his ass over the years, you have to take his credibility as a tough guy into question at some point.

The Flock though, shows Gere at his gritty best, as a stressed out Department of Public Safety worker who has basically fallen to pieces after so many years of wrangling sex offenders. You see, Errol not only acts as a sex offender probation officer, but he tends to hound them and treat them like animals, and has even gone vigilante on a few of them. With three weeks left until his forced early retirement, he finds himself also forced into something else; training his replacement, cute little Allison (Claire Danes.)

Cute & intense.

Allison is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to fight the good fight, within the confines of the law, of course. She believes that sex offenders can be rehabilitated, while Errol believes that they're all monsters that are beyond redemption. She learns that lesson quick enough as they both get drawn deeper into the case of a missing girl, and are forced to delve into the seedy underbelly of the city's rapists and pedo's to find her.

If Richard Gere doesn't trust them, then neither do I!

It sounds trite and cliche, but really, this movie is anything but. The Flock is a pretty gritty and intense thriller, which shows that dealing with monsters can and most likely will make you become one as well. Gere is great here as the veteran perv wrangler who has seen too much in his day, and he elicits we the viewer to feel his pain. He also elicited me to cheer him on in his creepo-vigilante mission, because I'm all for dishing it out to those that need the dishing. It being vengeance of course.

This bitch right here...

This is one of our under the radar faves here at THC; not because it's a perfect or even an amazing film, but because the subject matter is so creepy and compelling, that we can't help but love the dysfunction of it all. Sexual offenders are everywhere, and truth be told, they're probably closer to us on a daily basis than we will ever know or care to. That's not me trying to sound paranoid or alarmist, but the fact of the matter is that plenty of people are into odd, nasty and even sickening things, and most of them don't stay in jail too long.

Just kill them and bury them in the desert. The world would be a better place.

If you like crime thrillers involving the creepy underbelly of society, then this one might just be worth your time. Though not his best movie, this is probably my favorite role that I've seen Richard Gere play. It's really good stuff.

B+

Claire Danes in in this. Also, KaDee Strickland and Avril Lavigne.

Review: Left Bank (2008)

"I really never knew that Belgium had it in them to make a good horror flick, but now I do..."

Cast Members of Note- The adorable Eline Kuppens, Matthias Schoenaerts and a bunch of other Belgian actors.

Marie is a hot Belgian track star who is training for the biggest meet of her life when she meets a mysterious and wet guy named Bob, in her local locker room. He pulls the old "hey, I'm wet and naked, got a towel?" routine, and she totally falls for it because she seems to be horny and a bit easy to get in bed.

Yes you're a whore, no sense in moping about it though.

After the two of them have sex in every way possible, she decides to move in with him, where they proceed to have even more sex in every way possible, again. I guess she just doesn't like her first dates to end? This certainly isn't going to help her win any track meets.

"Oh you silly boy, I'm never leaving... ever!"

Soon enough though, things go from blissful and orgasmic, to painful and creepy, as not only does she begin to grow suspicious of her new living arrangement with her dream guy, but she starts to secrete powder from her lady parts, and she sprouts a festering knee wound that looks like she's turning into a zombie or something. STD's are no joke. Maybe this is a good lesson about the dangers of casual sex.

Trust me, it gets way worse than that.

Is Bob some creepy killer? Are Bob's neighbor's creepy killers? Who the hell names their kid Dirk? I don't want to spoil too much more for you here, but suffice it to say that Marie finds herself in some deep doo doo from which she may not be able to escape, and the ending absolutely threw me for a loop.

Now that's one creepy little hole.

It's not hard to imagine some creepy shit like this going down in Europe. I mean when you think of the term "Old World," you have to think of Europe, and if something ancient and evil exists in the world, it just makes sense that it exist there, doesn't it? This movie plays along the lines of Rosemary's Baby or The Wicker Man, with a quiet, gloomy old world "village folk" kind of feel to it, which I really dig. This was a pretty cool movie, and aside from the ending, I was into it the whole time. It's bloody, gross, creepy, interesting, the actors did a good job, and it looks great, thanks to its Belgian locales... but what's with the babies? The theme of rebirth is obviously prevalent here, but I'm not sure as to what the whole point was as far as some of the actions that theme caused. I'll need to watch it again to straighten it all out in my mind, and that won't be so bad, because I liked it.

Is this the gateway to Hell? Hmm...

 

Ok, so was this a movie about midwives? I really thought it was heading one way, and then at the end it totally flipped itself on its ass and did something that left me dumbfounded. I don't want to spoil what happens for anyone, I'm just saying that I don't completely get it.

Was she abducted? Zing!

For the love of all that is holy, what in the hell was that stuff coming out of Eline Kuppen's cooter? Gunpowder? Don't even get me started on the hairy knee wound either. And for that matter, what's in the effing bowl ?!? WTF?!?

And what's with the archery?

There were all sorts of nasty, gross and cringe inducing things in this movie, and yet the violence wasn't over the top for the most part. Blood, puke, discharge, festering wounds, and arrow violence... neat, huh?

Thank you Belgium for delivering on the T&A, and graphic sex scenes that Horror so desperately needs more of. I'm talking full frontal nudity here, and the hot Eline Kuppens even shows her Flemish Cap! (see what I did there?) She looks pretty good all greased up and naked, that's all I'm saying.

I swear they were really doing it.

Never butt into other people's domestic violence disputes. Also, dating just isn't worth the crap you have to go through.

Then again, she is a total QT...

 

Left Bank was a really good movie, both in look and tone, and it certainly had its gross-out moments and tension-filled bits, but I have to admit that the ending left me wondering what in the hell it was all about. It was a great experience, I was just surprised to find myself scratching my head at the end, as what I expected to go down never really did. Kinda. Give it a look-see, and feel free to tell me what it was that I missed at the end.

B+

Cute little Eline is not scared to be naked at all, and for that, I give her all kinds of mad props.

The 31 Days of Horror- #11

"One of the best werewolf movies ever, and one of the worst vampire movies ever made..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: Though it may seem like no more than a Syfy Channel movie to the casual observer, this is a modern day classic without a doubt. Dog Soldiers can proudly say it belongs along side of An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, and Silver Bullet as one of the few truly excellent Werewolf movies ever made. Yeah I know many will say Lon Chaney this, or Ginger Snaps that, but really, you can keep the cheese and teen angst and give me some bad-ass looking, mean-spirited Lycanthropes any day. Finally, after so long, a movie does Werewolves the complete justice that they deserve, and keeps us on the edge of our seats all the while. It's well made, stylish, bloody, action packed and fun. If you hunger for a real Werewolf movie, then this is a must see.

The Train Wreck:The Master says: This movie (and book series) sells Teen girl pretty short in my opinion. Here we have an utterly confused girl who falls for a creepy, stalker-ish guy, despite his admitting to murdering people and wanting to drink her blood, thereby putting her life, as well as those of her family, in mortal danger... All for love? Of course it's a deep, soul-searing love that feverishly blooms at first sight, because love has nothing to do with getting to know someone over time... it's based on staring at each other. I mean the guy is a 100+ year old man, in the body of a Teenager, and he's in love with a 17-year-old girl... Is that not a pedophile? But it's ok because he looks 17? Also, the Vampires in this movie glitter. They also go to High School, have the option of living off of Animal Blood, stare blankly, look utterly non-menacing when angered/ready to fight, and suck.

This is a story for underdeveloped minds, plain and simple.

The 31 Days of Horror- #12

A truly original and unsettling monster flick, and another f'ing WB/Abercrombie inspired horror movie..."
The Hidden Gem:The Master says: The creature in this movie, and the things it does to a human body are a thing of brilliance; The cracking and breaking, the lumbering around with a broken body, in search of its next meal/host... You can only catch quick shots of the creature, but when you do, it more than gets its point across.

Splinter is a pretty good effort that manages to deliver some creepy atmosphere and tense moments, complimented by some pretty intense gore effects... not to mention the hotness of Jill Wagner, who can actually act as well.

The Train Wreck: 
The Master says: Ok fine, the original Prom Night isn't one of the greatest classic 80's slashers, but it's hell and gone better than this predictable snooze-fest. Another one for the kiddies, this movie is devoid of anything resembling a scare. I did like the hot chicks, but even they weren't enough to save this movie from its own ridiculous and 100% predictable plot. Horror of the 80's was fairly predictable too sometimes, but wasn't there more of a payoff back then? Didn't they actually scare us, or gross us out or something? Making the killer visible and more of a "normal" guy was a big mistake here...