May 25, 2010
I-Mockery has posted a thing of brilliance that made us laugh like a fool; a new version of the old Atari Classic "Centipede", only Human Centipede style! If you want to give it a go, and laugh your tail oof, head over to I-Mockery HERE.
In Attendance- Me, Erin, Vanilla Gorilla, and Lori. Nick was not allowed.
Cast Members of Note- Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura.
ATM that you see in your average Porn movie either, no, this version of ATM involves a surgical procedure, some strong thread, hate, a loss of appetite, and tears. Plenty of tears.
|That's actually rain. The tears come later.|
|"Nein! Es wird kein Taxi für Sie geben!"|
|Take a second and look at the drawing in this picture, and think about what is really going on here. It's like he's making a human shit train!|
|Why so serious?|
Martyrs, Inside, Baby Blues, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer... these movies all left us feeling dirty and disturbed in the past, but I dare say the residue of this movie feels worse. The concept in and of itself is insanely disturbing, as well as pretty damned original, and the execution is stark and intense, even alongside the elements of black comedy which are present. When I say black comedy, don't get me wrong, this one isn't played for laughs at all. You can see a bit of nasty wit here and there though.
|The Human Centipede makes a crawl for it!|
|Raping them would have been more humane.|
Ashley and Ashlynn fully naked, but the creepiness of this film wouldn't allow us to enjoy it at all. We also get to see Dieter Laser's goods, which hindered our libido even further.
|"Um, is that old man taking off his pants?"|
|Why is it always the Germans?|
The Human Centipede is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.
Ashley C. Williams, and I would be a part of her Human Centipede any day. Not really, but she's hot enough to at least make me lie and say that I would. Maybe we could form a "Pucker-Ring Porcupine" or a "Meat Curtain Llama" or something instead. I'm pretty open-minded like that.
May 16, 2010
At the point when, in an attempt to be quirky or reverent, one of the killers sits down and starts playing the banjo while another of them tortures one of their captives, I nearly threw my TV out of the window. It was bad enough that what had come in the 45 minutes before that point was poorly written, poorly acted, and just plain sucky, but a character sitting and merrily play the banjo while they ripped-off the acupuncture scene from Audition was just painful to watch.
|What is he even doing?|
The psychopathic geeks even try to kill the one cool kid who stuck up for them and was nice to them... he even got in a fight for their honor, and yet they decide he's expendable too. At least he survives. He was the only one in the movie that didn't suck.
"I'm not going to the party, I like, don't feel good and stuff."
"You have to go. All you need is some alcohol and some sex!"
"Fuck yeah, bitch! Woo, party!"
"We're so hot!"
"You know it bitch!"
I'm paraphrasing, but that's pretty close to how one scene went down. Really.
It's all just so cliche and cheesy... the kids parents all either neglect, ignore, or fail to connect with their children which prompts them to withdraw into their own dark loneliness and hatch a violent revenge plan... I'm sure the filmmakers made this movie as a cautionary tale, but to me it came off more as a "Yeah, kill the cool kids!" thing, which just felt wrong. And even worse, stupid.
|Good try ladies, but no go.|
The Final did have some crazy hot chicks in it though...
May 12, 2010
This movie is not only an old school classic, but it's been one of horror's biggest MIA titles, never having appeared on DVD... until now! Via IMDB: A retarded man is unjustly accused of attacking a young girl. Disguised as a scarecrow, he hides in a cornfield, only to be hunted down and shot. Later, after it is revealed he saved the girl from a vicious dog attack, members of the search posse are killed by a mysterious scarecrow. Originally a made for TV movie, this flick has become one of the biggest cult classics of the horror world, and I for one can't wait until I can finally own it this fall.
May 11, 2010
Cast Members of Note- Peter Ferdinando, Lorenzo Camporese, Frank Boyce, and Lucy Flack.
Tony is an mousy, socially-awkward, creepy British guy who gets picked on and pushed around an awful lot. He brings it on himself, being a shut-in welfare-leeching loner, who watches old 80's action movies and has no social skills whatsoever, but still you have to feel for the guy. Maybe just a little bit.
|He does that for hours sometimes.|
So that's really it as far as the story goes. I guess that the audience is supposed to wonder things like will get the job or won't he, did he kill the kid or not, or does he go to leather bear night at the Pink Pucker Hole regularly, or just when he's in the mood, but who really cares.
|What is in those bags?|
|"He said bust, mate!"|
And for the record, the Devil is a top. Always. Never forget that.
|Told ya so.|
|Watch out, gay dude, it's a trap!|