The Horror Club

Horror Hottie of the Month- January

2012-01-31T23:59:00.018-05:00

It was a tough call, deciding who to call our hottie of the month, but in the end we had to go with one of the hottest chicks ever, Kate Beckinsale.

Cheeky!

HORROR FILMOGRAPHY:
Total Recall 2012
Underworld: Awakening 2012
Whiteout 2009
Vacancy 2007
Underworld: Evolution 2006
Van Helsing 2004
Underworld 2003
Haunted 1995

Vampy!

Why is she so deserving of being our Horror Hottie for January? Let's run down the reasons:
-Sexy British accent.
-Not a fan of wearing panties.
-Has no issue being naked or scantily clad on film.
-She calls her vagina "Pharaoh's Tomb."
-She said this "I can't do sushi, even. I'd rather eat an actual vagina than that, honestly!"
-She's a bit of a slut, cheating on Underworld co-star and life partner Michael Sheen with her Underworld director, whatever his name is.
-She doesn't shy away from genre flicks.

Cracky!

Kate is one of the most iconic vampires of all time. Sure, it may be because she looks so damn good in her tight, shiny death dealer body suit, but hell, who are we to judge? Underworld and Vacancy aside, she may have starred in some shit genre flicks, but again, who are we to judge? She makes an effort, man, and she looks good while doing so!

Here's a picture of Kate's ass on the set of the Total Recall remake.

One can only hope that we see more of Kate's hotness in many genre films to come. Maybe she could star in a movie called Pharaoh's Tomb; the story of a substance abusing, bisexual serial killer who seduces both men and women for the sake of revenge. Revenge for what, you ask? Who cares! As long as it has some naked, sexy, bloody, ass-revealing goodness, the plot is irrelevant. Maybe you could throw in a monkey, or make her a nanny or something, to keep it interesting. Don't ask us. It's Hollywood's call.

DVD releases for January 31st

2012-01-31T00:00:00.096-05:00

Not a bad bunch of DVD releases this week to close out the first month of 2012.

The Buy- If there's one must see of the group, then it's definitely Drive. It's not horror in the least, but it's bad ass and sleek enough for us to pimp and for you to see. It's as close to perfect as we've seen in quite a long time, and was our favorite flick of the year in any genre. See it. See it now.

The Rent- Next we have a few flicks that are worth checking out, even if they aren't close to perfect. Dream House was decent enough, although it felt more by the numbers than anything else. Still, it's always fun to watch Daniel Craig do his thang thang. The Thing was far better than it had any right to be, and if you can go into it without the predetermined hate you should feel towards it for invading sacred "remake" ground, then you might just dig it. We did. Finally we have a movie that we expected more from, Texas Killing Fields. It's not top of the heap as serial killer flicks go, but it has a great cast and does its job well enough to be entertaining.

The Rest- As far as In Time, Dead Hooker in a Trunk, and Spiderhole go, we weren't impressed, and unless you're really curious to see one of them, you could skip them all and call it a day. You wont miss much. As for The Night Train Murders... well, we haven't seen the rape-revenge flick in a looong time, so we cant really advise either way. We will be checking it out at some point, but until then, it's a big question mark.

What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

The Wicker Tree (2012)

2012-01-29T23:50:00.038-05:00

*In theaters now, Limited

What's it About?- Beth is a successful American country singer who used to be slutty, but has since found her way to singing the praises of JC. All sluts eventually turn to religion don't they? Because praying more and throwing yourself on the mercy of the holy cross obviously erases every skanky and obscene thing you do. That's a fact.

"I gave you the HIV but G.O.D. forgives me, LOL!"

Anywho, Beth and her cow poke fiance Steve are members of Cowboys for Christ (ugh), and they've been sent by their evangelical church to save the heathens of Scotland from themselves, because that's what religion is all about, after all. That is actually a fact. Religion is also about basting naked ass with oil, as evevidenced by the picture below.

Now this is one aspect of Religion that we can truly get behind... get it? Behind?

Luckily for us, the Scots have their own shit going on and hate being preached to and talked down on, so they decide to kill the rube's, which can only serve to make America a better place in the long run. As you can imagine, sacrificial hi jinks ensue.

This is why Christians cant have nice things!

The Good- The Wicker Tree is sort of a sequel to the 1973 Hammer classic, The Wicker Man (not the abysmal 2006 Nic Cage remake.) According to the director, whom was also the director of the 1973 original, it's more of a companion piece. As "companion pieces" go however, The Wicker Tree is rather embarrassing and really does nothing beneficial for it's predecessor.

Whereas the 1973 Wicker movie was so odd that it ended up being creepy, the updated Wicker universe is more goofy and over dramatic than anything else. Really, I don't know why we were expecting it to be good, but we found ourselves a bit let down as the credits began to roll. Maybe because instead of giving us another unique and good movie, all we were left with was the thought "Why didn't they just leave well enough alone?"

The Bad- There's nothing that Scotland and it's people could possibly love more than 2 bible thumping rubes from the U.S. of A. crossing the pond to save them from their unjust lives and skewed belief systems, is there? Hell no there ain't, cause everyone who ain't believe in Jesus Christ needs savin', ain't they? This movie definitely has a bible bashing bent; when our innocent country singin' heroine says "Everything in the bible is inspired by God, so it must be true, right?" It's apparent that were to believe that all Americans are sheepish simpletons... we cant argue that fact really, because there's some truth to it. Still, true or not, don't preach.

The Downright Horrendous- It's misleading to see Christopher Lee in the trailer for this movie, mainly because he was in this movie for about 15.4 seconds. If you're going to make it look as if he's in your film, at least give him a small cameo... then again, he most likely didn't want one. For your deception, you sub-par and sneaky film, you get the Wicker Man 2006 Remake Hall of Shame Award!!!

Not the BEES!

The Gory- There's some blood and violence to be had here, most notably the scene with "Tex" in the ruins; we wont spoil what that scene involves, but it involves a lot of nudity and someone being eaten to death. (That actually kinda spoiled it.)

The Naked- Sweet, sweet Honeysuckle Weeks; despite having what may be one of the silliest first names ever, she brought her A-game in this one, and by A-game we mean shameless nudity. She's not the only one, as many others in the movie shed their clothes for the greater good, but she was by far the most impressive.

Edited for our younger viewers, who screw up all of our good, naked pics.

What did we learn?- We learned that nearly 40 years is far too long to make a sequel to a cult movie, unless of course you don't mind it being out of touch with everything about the original. Also, Honeysuckle is apparently the Scottish word for "Village Whore."

The Master Says- D+ Not totally Irredeemable, The Wicker Tree is none the less a sequel that might have been better off never being made. The feel of the original is almost completely absent from this lukewarm follow up, and honestly, we aren't sure what the point of this film even was.You might enjoy it as an homage or companion piece to the cult classic original, but just don't expect much.

Final Thoughts- At least Honeysuckle Weeks wasn't afraid to bare it all in an effort to do her part, and she did it more than once. Cheers, Honeysuckle.

Transit (2012)

2012-01-28T21:41:00.000-05:00

Let's just be honest here; Transit sucked. It's packed with actors that we love, had an interesting enough premise, but it was just a sloppy mess of plot devices strung together to achieve a running time.

The plot involves an ex-con traveling with his family through the bayou country in an SUV, when they run afoul of a gang of bank robbers. The bank robbers end up stashing their stash of cash in the family truckster to avoid capture, and then spend the rest of the movie trying to get it back.

Of course the problem with that premise is that trying to get the money back involves a lot of nonsensical, cliche, and just plain annoying actions on all of the characters parts, and in the end, what could have been a cool heist flick starring some cool actors just turned out to be tedious and dull.

We obviously didn't like the movie, and don't recommend it to you, but in the spirit of fairness, here are 5 things about Transit that we did like.

Jim Caviezel- He's an awesome actor that never seems to get his due, You wanna see how bad ass he can be, check him out in CBS's Person of Interest.

James Frain- Another hell of an actor, especially when he's playing a bad guy, ala True Blood. He really is menacingly fun to watch.

The Milf.

Michael from LOST.

Diora Baird and the curious case of the juggs that just wont quit.

The Master Says- D+ Aside from those redeeming factors, Transit is a run of the mill, by the numbers thriller that wastes its potential and isn't memorable enough to even be forgettable. It's well made and well cast, just not well thought out or executed.

Further update on the January Hottie Wrangle...

2012-01-26T08:22:00.000-05:00

Stag Night of the Dead kinda sucked, and Shriek of the Sasquatch, while sucking for the most part, deserves some credit for kicking it 70's style and amusing us. As for the hotties, neither really showed all that much skin, opting instead to act (which I'm not sure either can very well), but the edge goes to Sarah French. The slutty blonde. One more pair of flicks to watch and we will have our finalists, and our Horror Hottie of the Month for January.

We know, you can hardly wait.

DVD Releases for January 24th

2012-01-25T00:00:00.001-05:00

Finally, we have a good mix of releases to choose from this week. The best bets look to be The Woman and Paranormal Activity 3, both of which were good in their own way. The House on Sorority Row is a great old school slasher seeing a re-release, and should definitely be in any horror fans slasher collection. Real Steel was mindless fun, if you like robot boxing, I suppose.

The Iron Rose and The Naked Vampire are worth a look, if you like your horror in the old 70's exploitation vein.

The rest are a crap shoot. Ron Jeremy, Michael Madsen, Porn Stars, cheesy vampires, Asian revenge and a rubber-masked Satan... if I had to pick one of them not to suck, It'd have to be Punished, which could end up being good.

*Click the pics for more info on the releases.

What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

Kill List (2012)

2012-01-23T22:14:00.009-05:00

*On VOD (Everywhere) & DVD (UK) now.

Its about time that we got to talk about a good movie for a change, as all of the junkers we've been watching of late have begun to wear on us...

Kill List is an interesting little movie that's best described as two British hit men run afoul of... well, we don't really want to say as it will ruin things a bit. Let's just break down the plot like this: after a job gone wrong, two British hit men decide to pull one last job (never heard this plot synopsis before, have you?), only to find that the job goes deeper and ha more creepy twists than they bargained for...

Bollocks.

So yeah, we just described the plot of most generic, b-grade action flicks, although Kill List is anything but. What we have here is a movie about some hit men that descends into some crazy horror territory as it wears on, ending smack dab in the middle of WTF-ville. The end of Kill List seems to have divided audiences into love it or hate it camps; as for us, we liked it but think that it happened so suddenly and ended so abruptly, that it really didn't have time to affect us as it should have. It also left us with some questions that will no doubt ever have clear answers, and that is never a good thing in our book.

Like us, he is searching for answers...

We can say that the movie didn't shy away from the violence, some of which was pretty cringe-inducing. It is about hit men after all, so you'd hope there would be some good whacking going on, right? Where the movie truly shines though, is in the subtlety of whats really going on underneath the surface if things; as we said before, where the movie goes is interesting and made us want to see it again, to see what signs and portents we missed the first time around. Wish we could say more, but that would make us the kind of dicks that like to ruin a good thing for people.

This picture is spoilerish enough.

The Master Says- B+ Had Kill List given us a bit more to cleanse our pallet with at the end, we would have liked it more. As it stands, Kill List is a gritty, realistic, and fun ride that manages to throw a few interesting twists our way, and take the hit man genre to a whole new depth of eerie. Better than most, not as good as some, you should definitely give this one a spin in your DVD players.

Final Thoughts- Despite her being in the final two Twilight movies, we still have to give some love to Myanna Buring... How does someone so little get such big boobahs?

January Hottie Wrangle

2012-01-22T23:26:00.006-05:00

So many movies each month feature so many hotties, that's it's often times hard to pick just one as our Hottie of the Month. I mean, how should we qualify the best of the best? Physical hotness? Talent? Love and dedication to the genre? Being a creepy bitch? Being a super big whore?

All of that and more, if we're being honest. It's never easy.

Let's take a look at the hotness invading January's genre offerings...

Sure, Eva Green's movie Perfect Sense isn't really horror per se, but it is about a viral epidemic, and plus she's got the trifecta of hot going on; eyes, lips and boobies. On the other hand, Ashlynn Yennie is back for another go around in the Human Centipede 2, and besides being cute, she really goes all out on the nasty meter in the movie. Yennie probably wins this coupling.

Sara Paxton is definitely a busy girl when it comes to horror, doing her sweet girl next door routine perfectly. Aimee Teegarden does the sweet and pious thing too, although she does it a little too well. Still, her hotness can not be denied. Both hot, but they need to slut it up a bit. Sara wins this one, clearly.

Maybe the hottest chick this month is one of our genre veterans: Mila is always looking hot, and plus she kicks ass. Then there's Kate Beckinsale, one of the hottest chicks ever, back as death dealer Selene in Underworld Part 12 (or whatever.) There's no human way we can not want to see her in that shiny black body suit again. Gotta go with Kate here. because she's a naughty Brit.

Here we have two relative unknown girls. Sophie Lovell Anderson is starring in the direct to DVD Stag Night of the Dead, which looks shitty, but she's hot enough to sucker us in to watching anyhow. There's really no way that Shriek of the Sasquatch! can be worth renting, but Sarah French (aka Scarlet Salem) is still sassy hot and makes us almost want to...Not sure about this pair yet, so we reserve judgement until we see the flicks.

In closing, we will endure the said-to-be-bad Cold Sweat to see Camila Velasco sweat. Same goes for Spiderhole; we hear tell of that movie sucking, but damn it if Emma Griffiths Malin doesn't make a compelling case for us watching it anyway... Same thing here, we need to see the flicks before we commit.

So you see, it's hard to decide. In the end, maybe it comes down to movies and the girl's performance, but then again we're fairly superficial and can be swayed by hotness and gratuitous nudity.

We'll see who wins by the end of the month.

In the interest of clarity...

2012-01-19T22:38:00.000-05:00

This is the movie Cold Sweat, which was released to DVD this week:

This movie is not to be confused with the 1970 Charles Bronson vehicle, nor the 1994 soft core porn Shannon Tweed effort:

Nor is it to be confused with the 1990 rock band of the same name, who actually kinda rocked:

Thank you for your time.

The Oregonian (2012)

2012-01-19T21:55:00.008-05:00

This is simply one of the worst movies I have ever seen. And before you wonder if the qualifier "worst ever" is deserved, let me tell you that I've endured some horrendous movies; Ice From the Sun, Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist, The Apple... Hell, long before there was a THC, we were a collective of fools who relished getting together and watching bad movies. For fun.

We used to buy each other bad movies for Birthdays and Christmas, trying to out do each others level of awful. We tried to find the worst movies ever -and I mean painfully bad movies, not something like Gigli with is amateur hour as bad movies go- with the intention of pissing teach other off. We'd get together once a week and watch 2 or 3 bad movies; sometimes we laughed, sometimes people got slapped... honestly slapped.

The Oregonian is a movie that would have definitely earned a slap or two back in our bad movie days. It's a tough one to endure.

Here's the plot: A girl gets into a car accident, wanders around in a daze and encounters odd people. That's the entire lot and point of the movie. We're treated to a ton of shaky cam; loud, jarring music and noises; characters that appear and do nothing aside from smile for minutes on end;

We're convinced that Calvin Reeder made this movie for the sole purpose of annoying and even angering his potential audience. Nothing else can even begin to explain why this messy, contrived, awful movie even exists... unless he and everyone involved were on acid and meth and said "Dude, let's make a movie!" That would actually explain a lot.

This movie isn't deep and creatively bold as some "smart fans" of the internet would have you believe;
on the contrary, 73 users on IMDB have given The Oregonian a crazy good score of 7.3, which is absolute proof that those numbers are skewed. The only decent thing about the movie is True Blood's Lindsay Pulsipher, who for some reason has appeared in multiple projects directed by Reeder. Not even her cuteness saves this movie, the highlights of which involve a guy pissing a rainbow, sharing recipes for omelettes, people vomiting what looks like black blueberry pie filling, and someone in a frog costume standing around with a lazy eye, jerking off inside the suit whenever the mood strikes them.

How this movie made it into Sundance is a mystery of epic proportions. A little google research on our part and we found that many people left the movie mid play, to escape the screeching noises and the atrocious everything else. If it's that easy to get a film into Sundance, be on the lookout next year for our entry entitled "The Detroiter"; it's the story of a white guy who wakes up in the middle of Detroit and tries to find his way back home while stopping every so often to masturbate with bacon and scream the lyrics to Bon Jovi songs, before the midget mimes catch him and make him drink their "Blue Milk."It's going to be deep.

The Master Says- We feel bad for all of lat years "worst of" movies that we hated on, because none of them were this bad. They sucked, but at least they tried to make some sense and just failed. The Oregonian is a bunch of odd visuals, painful noises, and horrible camera work/editing, slapped together for the sake of being slapped together. 2012 is going to have to work hard to give us a movie worse than this. Watch at your own risk.

Final Thoughts- At least Lindsay Pulsipher is cute.

This is what you, horror fans, have been waiting for!

2012-01-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

Too bad it's censored and you can never, ever see it.

Want to avoid this being your internets? CLICK HERE.

Don't Let Him In (2012)

2012-01-17T17:05:00.000-05:00

Don't let him in... or have they let him in already? Dun, dun dun!

When Calvin and Paige, a couple that doesn't look to be happy together at all, decides to take a trip to a secluded cottage in the woods, they're dismayed to find that Calvin's slutty little sister Mandy wants to tag along. They hesitantly agree, even when they find out that she wants to bring some dude along who she picked up at the local pup the night before, and promptly shagged.

On arriving at the cabin, they're all warned that a sadistic serial killer is prowling the woods, killing and dismembering their victims, and handing their body parts from trees. thus he's dubbed "The Tree Surgeon."

Okay so, doesn't it stand to reason that if the guy is a tree surgeon, that he'd by definition have to perform some sort of surgery on trees or something? Maybe a sap-ectomy, or a limb transplant? Something? It's all a little misleading to us...

This movie is not as cleaver as it thinks it is.

Anywho, when a mysterious stranger with a suspicious stab wound shows up in the middle of the night, they let him in (despite the warning in the title), and nurse Paige stitches him up and save his life... which begs another question; if she's a nurse, why would her first instinct not be to get him to a hospital? At one point when someone says "We need an ambulance!" her expert medical response is "He's lost too much blood!" For them to call an ambulance. Isn't that exactly why they should call an ambulance? UGH!

No, instead they let the stranger stay with them. Forget the serial killer running around killing people and hanging arms from tree branches, that's no reason to leave or anything. Just invite wounded strangers inside, that sounds like a better plan. From here on out it's a race against time (?) to... I don't know, survive until the end of the movie?

Why does this look like a scene from Doctor Who?

This movie could have been alright had it not been so frustrating. Most of the movie is spent with everyone trying to decide if the killer is the injured stranger or the sneaky creep that slutty Mandy allowed to tag along, and it really doesn't inspire much mystery or tension. None of the characters are particularly likable, they all do moronic things, and they left us flat. The story is full of cliches and twists that didn't work. The gore was decent, and the Tree Surgeon was fairly interesting, but everything else built around those aspects was just bland.

Yeah, us too.

The Master Says- D This movie made little to no sense at all. I suppose if you don't care about such things, you know, like something making sense, then the rest of Don't Let Him In might be enough to entertain you.If you skip watching this one, you wont be missing out on much, we promise you.

Final Thoughts- At least she's pretty hot, that helps things a little...

DVD releases for January 17th

2012-01-17T01:45:00.004-05:00

Only 4 DVD's this week that are of interest to we horror freaks, and we've seen none of them save for the one that isn't horror...

Age of Heroes is a really cool little war flick, that while not being the least bit horror, will help you pass the time in a bloody and violent way none the less. We've heard bad things about Cold Sweat, but that wont stop us from checking it out anyway. The Perfect Student has us interested based on the cover alone, and Undocumented could be good.

So aside from the one flick we've seen, the rest are nothing but risky potential. You know we love taking risks though, right?

What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

The Skin I Live In (2011/2012)

2012-01-15T00:11:00.001-05:00

*On VOD now/DVD March 6th

For all of you ladies the world over that though Antonio Banderas was a tall, dark and handsome dream boat, guess what?.. he's also creepy as hell! Sorry to break that news to you, but El Guapo is now El Creepo. Think that's crazy talk? Watch this movie and you'll see it's not.

This is going to be a hard movie to talk about, not only because it has a lot of intertwining plot threads that unravel themselves slowly to eventually reveal a bigger picture, but because it has a pretty big twist at its heart.

Who's sexy now, eh ladies?

The Skin I Live In is the story of a surgeon who has created a synthetic skin that can not be burned, using "mice" as test subjects. The "mice" are of course a hot as Spanish sin woman, who spends all day laying around naked in her new, perfect skin. Who is she and why is she there are the real mystery, and as the answer begin to come to light, we're reminded that the world is filled with some creepy sons of bitches.

At first we were like, no! But then we were like, yeah, go ahead...

There's so much naked sexiness in this movie that it distracted us from the violent and twisted shenanigans of it all for a while. Once the true secrets of the movie were revealed however, the sexiness we felt quickly turned to shame. Dirty, dirty shame. Again, we're going to skip details here so as not to ruin the natural evolution of the story and your eventual cringing, but trust us when we say that it's just plain wrong! Pedro, you toyed with our emotions!

Aww, she's in love.

The Master Says- A Many consider Pedro Almodovar to be a master filmmaker, and who are we to argue; the guy knows his business and makes some great movies. Since he managed to both titillate and repulse us at the same time with The Skin I Live In, we have to say his foray into the realm of "Horror" was a successful one. If you like to get the willies in a classy way now and then, this movie is your ticket.

Final Thoughts- Want a glimpse of the sexy that The Skin I Live In has to offer? Then check the post below...

"Ssh... ssh... I'm Antonio Banderas, and that makes everything I'm doing alright."

The sexy ladies of The Skin I Live In (2011/2012)

2012-01-15T00:10:00.000-05:00

Elena Anaya & Blanca Suarez

DVD releases for January 10th

2012-01-10T00:00:00.033-05:00

This weeks DVD offerings are... interesting? January does tend to be a dumping ground for studios both theatrically and with home video; this is the month when the junk they don't have much faith in gets thrown out there.

We can't say much about any of them really, aside from Kenneyville could be decent. Groupie was alright. Detention sucked. Stag Night of the Dead might be worth it for the boobs. As for the rest, good luck and let us know how they are, we wont be renting them.

Maybe one of these weeks we'll get some releases worth chasing...

What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

The Hike (2011 UK/2012 DVD)

2012-01-09T21:39:00.001-05:00

Another British backwoods horror flick, yay!

Why did this movie feel like The Descent, only above ground? A group of British chicks, led by a touch as nails ex-commando chick, head into the woods for a girls hike... are those even common? Do groups of hot, high maintenance chicks really get together and plan a weekend of hiking and sleeping in tents, and think its a good thing? I don't know if I buy that.

Anywho, so the hotties head out into the woods, for whatever it is they're heading out there for, and they meet two groups of creepy people: a guy and two girls who look like a threesome gone wrong, and three sexy rock climbing guys, who seems like date rape waiting to happen. See, it gets all mysterious and thrilling.

One of the group of strangers are sadistic and murderous, and of course they want to play with the five slutty chicks who are dumb enough to be way out in the wilderness alone and too stupid to see danger when it's coming. Which are friend and which are foe? Which girls will live and which will die? If they're all out in the middle of the woods fighting for their very lives, then who was phone? You won't understand that last question unless your an Internet geek like we are, so don't worry about it.

The Hike is decent enough as a backwoods torture porn kind of thing. It's got some blood, a little bit of skin, and of course there's a "crazy twist" at the end... maybe that's not fair. It's more of a surprise ending I suppose.

The movie didn't quite push the boundaries we thought it might, and could have used a bit more skin or blood; after all, the draw of this kind of movie is the nastiness, not the plot or acting. Still, it managed to be entertaining enough for us not to have regretted watching it.

See? Almost Descent-like.

How is there a pool in the middle of the woods?

The Master Says- C The Hike is your average, run of the mill horror flick; not great, but certainly not bad. If you like a good rape revenge story filled with some sexy chicks and some bloody violence, then you'll most likely get something out of this. Could be worse.

Final Thoughts- Any movie with Barbara Nedeljakova is worth a look see in our book.

Yum.

The Amityville Haunting (2012)

2012-01-06T21:49:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know this is an Asylum picture, and that instantly means it's going to suck, but they've really sunk to a new low here. Had this movie not snuck onto DVD a few days before the end of 2011, it would have been a contender for worst of the year.

This movie is exactly why the found footage genre sucks most of the time; it makes little logical sense, there's no real payoff until the end, and it treats the audience like they're stupid. No one in this situation would act like these characters did, and even if they would, why in the hell would anyone watching have any sympathy for them?

No, these morons deserved to die, and it's just a shame that it took nearly 90 minutes for them to do so.

"Don't interrupt me until the threesome starts, soldiers!"

Here are my thoughts in not form, as they happened:
-Four kids break in to the fabled house, taunt spirits, die.
-Family shown house by realtor, realtor dies. They take the house.
-While moving in, one of the movers dies.
*At this point, I was already hoping the moronic family would die*

Why did the hottest part of the movie have to die so soon?

-Annoying kid with camera recording everything, his hot sister always on cell.
-Camera blacks out, flashes on/off, obviously to signify ghostly presence.
-Camera kid needs ass whipping.
-The "too cute" youngest daughter is a little bit annoying and fake, just like pretty much every character in this movie. And she's got an imaginary friend oh boy.
-The overbearing Military Dad, the vaguely dissatisfied Mom, the snotty awful teenage Daughter, and the annoying gay-haired Son... some of the worst and most cliche characters ever.
*At this point I wonder, when is the horror going to start?*

Seriously, why?!?

-Of course they're installing a security system with bunches of cameras.
-God I hope everyone in this family dies.
-Random iPod with video appears.
-Oh look, flies all over window.
-This is a movie about a family that likes to do nothing but argue, not a horror movie.
-"My man Cut!" shows up to install multiple cameras for his military buddy, and is killed by a rogue electrical line. Still, no one leaves the house.
-Dad cries over his man cut... real, manly tears. Mom sleeps real late till noon.
-Dad punches the air and screams "stay away from my daughter!"
*Seriously, nothing even remotely horrific has happened at this point.
-Family meeting, lights go out; "Don't worry it's just a breaker, I'll go check. Sergeant on my 6!" LOL
-Dad is practicing Feng Shui with crosses and furniture.
*The end of the movie is almost here and nothing has happened at all.*

The interpretive dance scene.

-I'm taken aback; there's another ghost figure just standing there... this time it's a little boy. Ooh.
-Dad is having in Afghanistan flashback, hoping his kills everyone then himself.
-Now he's saluting the bookshelf.
-Best part of the movie: "What the fuck?"That was awesome and says it all.
-First family death is pretty cool. Dad's fate was neat too.
-There are no words to explain exactly how awful and ridiculously sad this movie is.

You wanna bilk people for their money, fine. Can you at least give them something, anything, for their troubles when you do? It's almost like the people who made this movie were making fun of anyone dumb enough to pay to watch it.

There's zero suspense, no scares, horrible acting, an abysmal script, and the ever annoying un-steady cam that is constantly present in these POV flicks... We'd sooner roll a live grenade into a kindergarten class than endure this crap again, and we love kids.

The Innkeepers (2012)

2012-01-03T23:09:00.000-05:00

"Ti West gives us another great movie that leaves us unsure how to feel..."

What's it About?- The Yankee Peddlar Inn is closing, and sexy Claire & nerdy Luke are the lucky two selected to ride the desk for her final weekend... mainly because there's no one else to do it.

So the ancient Inn is supposedly haunted, and as luck would have it, Luke is an aspiring Ghost Hunter, with his own website and all. He has his little ghost busting equipment that he carries around the hotel, and he and Claire are always on the lookout for signs of a haunting. He also has a haunted boner in his pants for Claire. That's a pretty important story element.

A couple of odd guests check in for the Hotel's final weekend, and strange things start to happen; pianos begin to play by themselves, whispers and strange static fill the air, Kelly McGillis drinks a few quarts of vodka, Luke repeatedly scares the living crap out of Claire, thus sealing his doom as far as ever getting some action from her goes... It's all a creepy nightmare!

Will the restless spirits of the fabled Inn ever rear their ugly heads? Will Luke ever get some of that hot, Claire loving? Will Kelly McGillis drink herself into a drunken stupor and die? Far be it from us to spoil anything here, but suffice it to say that Nothing ends well.

"Yeah, let's go down there, great idea."

The Good- Ti West has crafted another great movie here. Like him and his films or not, the guy knows how to make a movie. It was a great time sitting and watching The Innkeepers; several times throughout the movie we were both amused and creeped out. The characters were very likable and we cared about their fates. We even cared about their interaction with each other.

***Skip this next SPOILERY section until after you've seen the movie. It's all conjecture anyhow, so don't spoil yourselves.***
It almost seems like TI West made a movie about a persons impending doom. A giant tale of foreshadowing, if you will. Throughout the movie, Claire is warned off of things in a variety of ways; she's told not to go in the basement, told to keep thoughts of spirits out of her head lest they never leave, the ghost bride moaning what sounds like "run",the dead old man's ghost looked as if he were warning her, trying to stop her from doing something.... now we could be making all of this up in our heads, but it makes sense. All of this mixed with her own sens of never having accomplished anything important with her life, and her need to solve they mysteries of the hotel and its ghosts before they shut it down for good, adds up to her doom being a foregone conclusion. We think Ti West is sneaky like that.
***Alright, it's safe to read on now...***

Lazy ghost hunting.

The Bad- At one point towards the end of the film, during a scene filled with rising tension, I said out loud "This movie has to start paying off, right now." And that is essentially the main issue with The Innkeepers; It's a very slow and uneventful build horror-wise, filled with great visuals and likeable characters that never really goes much of anywhere. Horror-wise.

Now don't take that as the movie sucks and doesn't deliver anything, because it truly does. I hesitate to say that The Innkeepers is more of comedy than anything else, because that will totally give the wrong impression to anyone who hasn't seen it. The movie is filled with genuine moments of levity and sweet humor, that serves to illustrate the chemistry and relationship between the two leads... great, now it sounds like a romantic comedy. It's not. See what I mean, it's a bit confusing.

Apparently, dead people can still stare at you like a creeper.

The Downright Horrendous- After everything that's happened, why would you go in the basement, you dumb, dumb, moron?

The Gory- There's a scant tad of blood in the movie, but The Innkeepers is not about the kill scenes and blood flow.

The Naked- Aside from a quick shot of Sara Paxton in the shower from the shoulders up, then in a towel and in her panties, there's no naughtiness in this movie. Boo!

Oopsy!

Best Scene- The scene in which Sara Paxton decides to go to bed and finds out she isn't alone...

What did we learn?- Ti West is one hell of a filmmaker. Also, stay out of the effing basement!

The Master Says- B For being such a great film, Ti West's new venture is going to confound some fans, and downright lose others. The horror is there, but it feels as if it wasn't the true point of the movie, which all well and good, as we love good movies of all types. It's supposed to be a haunted house flick though, and in the end it's kitschy characters and unrequited love that haunts this house more so than evil spirits. Good stuff, none the less. Definitely catch it.

Final Thoughts- While adorable and innocent in The Innkeepers, let us not forget that Sara Paxton is in fact, quite a minx.

Digital Dread for January 3rd

2012-01-03T12:12:00.001-05:00

The first Tuesday of 2012 is here and that means DVDs!

The only must see this week is Contagion. If you like viral epidemic movies and Steven Soderbergh's film making style, this movie is all you.

The jury's still out on Don't Let Him In, but we will let you know what we think shortly.

As for the other video gems on the list, no thanks. 2 Syfy flicks, a lame shark movie, and an underwhelming Del Toro produced "haunted house" story... we love them not.

What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

The Best and Worst of 2011: The Wrap Up

2012-01-02T01:15:00.000-05:00

Need a quick review of what 2011 had to offer horror fans? Well look no further.

Best of 2011

2012-01-02T00:35:00.106-05:00

Ooh, this years 10 best list is going to generate some controversy. A few of the movies we've included are ones that you wont find near anyone elses' "best of" lists, and we didn't do that just to be different. Every movie on our top 10 list deserves to be seen because they genuinely affected us in some way, and more so than any others that may have missed our list. They also entertained the hell out of us.

You, our Dear Horror Friends, should do what you can to see these movies. Maybe they wont be something you'd put on your own top 10 list, but we'd be surprised if most of them weren't.

If you see only one genre movie from 2011, it really should be this one. It's impossible to explain why this movie is so fantastic, especially in a short recap paragraph, but good lord we promise you it is. When "Asian" filmmakers get their horror right, they tend to nail it, and South Korea seems to be especially good at making, gritty, visceral thrillers that stop you dead in your tracks and make you catch your breath. This is our pick for best flick of the year, and you need it in your horror life! You could at least rent it to celebrate the fact that Kim Il Dong is dead. South Korea is best Korea! (Political commentary, we're edgy.)

This is a Hand-Held flick done perfectly. You will gape at this movie, you will smile at this movie, you will curse its ending! It made me actually wonder if maybe trolls were real, and if they did in fact roam the Norwegian countryside. This movie is pure enjoyment, mixing crazy lore, fun characters and some fairly creepy/tense moments together to give us a movie that really is about as unique as it gets. Run, don't walk, and get a copy for you and your loved ones. Maybe even the neighbors.

No movie this year has been as talked about on this site as this one. 100+ comments of people being genuinely disturbed and affected says something, especially since so many of those comments were from people sharing their similarly harrowing experiences of childhood with us. It may not be a better film than some of the movies that were left off of this list, but it certainly is a more important one, and should be seen by everyone. We will go on record as saying that the last 22 minutes or so of this movie were genuinely disturbing and terrifying, and will fuck you up. We just threw the gauntlet, didn't we? Watch this with your teenagers. Thank you Michael Goi, for making a movie that had a point and still managed to make us wet our pantaloons. *On a side note, MIM Director Michael Goi is not only the standing ASC President for 3 terms, but he's the guy responsible for the visuals of American Horror Story. Those facts alone give him enough credibility to check out this labor of love project.

This is horror comedy perfection. Well, maybe not perfection, but damn it all if it didn't feel like it. This movie should have sucked, because it's so simplistic and cheesy, but I will be forever damned if it it's anything but. The actors are what make this so good and funny. The script really makes no sense and goes nowhere, but what a great, amusing ride that trip to nowhere is. Can we call this the American equivalent of Shaun of the Dead? I think we can. It was definitely on par with Shaun, albeit in a different way. Less "British-y." If you like your horror funny, you need to see this movie.

And here's where the true controversy begins... "What in the fuck is The Devil's Rock? And why does that poster look cheesy as hell?" Go on, you can say it. We can not judge you for doubting this movie. For some reason though, this movie hit the mark perfectly for us, and it's a shame that a lot of people probably think it's some shitty B-grade suck fest. It's anything but. It's a small cast, it takes place in a bunker during WWII, it involves the Nazi obsession with demons and black magic, and it works extremely well for what it is? Top 10 of the year? It immediately stuck out in our mind when the time came to compile lists, so, yeah. Don't sleep on this one. Nazi's + Horror usually equals awesome, and in this case, it definitely does.,

And the second WTF movie of our list is The Shrine. This was the biggest surprise of the year for us. It worked on so many levels that we sat through it a few times, and liked it more with each viewing. It's a slow burn for the first half, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but once it really kicks into gear, this movie is a creep fest of the finest order. Not many movies truly give us a good scare these days, but this is one of the precious few that managed to. It's a neat,twisty little flick that ends up in a place that you don't think it's going to... and that place is a creepy Polish farmhouse that you would never want to visit. Netflix this one if you can, and enjoy.

The last 2011 movie we had the pleasure of catching was also one of the best; to say this movie is intense is an understatement. Pants were shat. It seems to us that most movies that involve the dangers of mountain climbing tend to make us pucker (you know, down there), and this one was definitely effective in that department. What makes this movie interesting is that it changes gears towards the end, and almost becomes an entirely different movie. No matter, because from start to finish this was one hell of a fun movie. Also, Mmmelissa George is in it, and why would that not instantly make a movie awesome? Good stuff.

We can't say that we'd urge people to see this movie, because its contents are so profoundly disturbing and would most likely be offensive and unwatchable to most, but damn this movie messed us up. The crazy thing about it is that as nasty as it is, it's equally as gorgeous to look at. It's a really well made movie, and who in the hell thought that Serbia had it in them? Go ahead, name another good Serbian movie. Forget good, just name another Serbian movie, period. Be warned: this movie goes to places that most human minds, including some of the sicker minds out there, do not go. You may need a shower when all is said and done. Still, it's a hell of an achievement.

Home, not House; the one with Daniel Craig was kinda meh. This movie came out of nowhere and kicked our asses. Josie Ho is a natural at playing a psychopathic, well, ho, and the things she does in this movie... it's a bloodbath. You kind of sympathize with her character for a minute here and there throughout the movie, but it's impossible to like her. She kills everybody. She's so messy and nasty about it too. This is a solid flick that will make gore-hounds happy, especially those that love that Hong Kong nastiness.

Maybe the best American horror movie made in 2011, Stake Land is a movie that does Vampires right, and on the cheap. In this day and age, a movie like this deserves all kinds of love. No glitter, no fruity, awfully crafted love story, no vampire proms... this is a Vampire Apocalypse movie that paints a bleak and bloody picture that sucks you in and doesn't let go until the end. This is truly one of the best Vampire movies we've seen in a long time, and it will be in our pantheon of bloodsucking greats for all of eternity.

Check below for the also rans that didn't make the top 10, but still rocked...

The Best of 2011 also-rans-

2012-01-02T00:35:00.000-05:00

It's funny to imagine some of these movies being on a list of runner's up, because so many of them are great movies. OMG, Attack the Block and Paranormal Activity 3 weren't on out top 10 list!?! What is the world coming to? Listen, they were great movies, and could be on any number of top 10 list across the interwebs, just not ours. There were 10 movies that moved us, thrilled us, creeped us the hell out and make us happy as horror fans more than these also rans did.

this is still a hell of a list of great movies that you should definitely take the time to check out if you haven't already.

It's nearly here...

2011-12-30T23:49:00.000-05:00

The Worst of 2011

2011-12-30T23:45:00.003-05:00

2011 certainly gave horror fans everywhere more than a few clunkers.There's always good and bad movies that come into our lives, but sinking below all of the rest of them are the worst of the worst. The movies that piss you off because you wasted time watching them, or were fooled into believing that they might be good. The ones that defile your sense of taste and make you question your own humanity. The ones that hurt.

Is this list in order, from the worst to the 10th worst horror flick of 2011? Not really, because each in their own way was the worst genre movie of the year. Make a game out of it and make up your own order if you like. We just want to list them and put them out of our minds as quickly as we possibly can.

More like "The Aching of our Balls." Yes, this movie was painfully tough to endure. Like a bad episode of Goosebumps with 1000 hollow CGI shots, awful CGI blood, and an aimless and plodding story, Fading of the Cries manages to make a movie that makes even SyFy channel garbage seem like Schindler's List. Actually, Schindler's Fist would be appropriate, because sitting through this hack job has to be similar to being fisted by a creepy Nazi. Seriously, it hurt so bad we wished with all of our hearts for it to suddenly transform into Twilight .

Our most hated movie of 2011 for us was Rubber.This unfunny, self important piece of shit actually made us physically angry while enduring it.We remember seeing the trailer last year and thinking how amazing Rubber looked; a killer tire with some sort of psychokinetic powers... that'll be fun! No. This is a perfect example of a movie and director thinking themselves too clever for their audience, when they're actually the retarded kids in the room.We'd rather throw puppies against a wall for 90 minutes than have to endure this fuck-hole of a movie again, and we love puppies. We genuinely love puppies.

Clive Barker, the creator of the Hellraiser mythos himself, said it best in regards to Revelations: "It's not even from my butthole." That really says just about everything, doesn't it? Honestly, a 90 minute movie about Clive Barker's butthole would be more enjoyable than this taint of a movie. How in the world do you shit on one of the most iconic characters in movie history so badly? Pinhead was a joke in this movie. Laughable. Pathetic. The over all story could have been alright, but the movie was so poorly made, that not even the best story in the world could have saved it from ruin.So maybe everyone involved needs to go study a certain gay horror writer's butthole for inspiration, because everyone involved in this train wreck seriously needs some.

Originally, we "reviewed" this movie while watching it, via comments on our GetGlue account. Here's what we had to say: "This movie is going to blow more than George Michael in a dirty rest stop. *For the record, we love Wham... Is somebody kidding?... Jesus fuck, even the music is painful. I'm pretty sure this singer is having a seizure... Yes, please kill yourself so that... You can heal immediately and the movie can continue. Fuck... Whoever wrote this shit ought to be beaten with a book. A big book.... Q: Which is worse, the writing or the acting? A: Yes... Still haven't seen a werewolf... What a surprise... A gaggle of shirtless guys... This movie makes me long for Twilight... And that's the same thing as longing for death... They look like poodles lol... This may have been the worst movie of 2011." That should just about cover it.

As far as production quality goes, this may be one of the worst movies ever committed to film. Hidden 3D is a confused and as forgettable as they come. The script is shamefully bad, the acting isn't much better, and aside from running for 80 minutes or so, the movie does nothing at all. Whoever dropped the ball on this one should feel shame for tinkering around with movie that may have worked otherwise. Maybe. Evil bees. It's all about the evil bees.

So much hype preceded the release of this movie that we were crazy anxious to be able to see it. Once released, it seemed to be lavished with all sorts of love from the horror community, with some calling it brilliant or visionary, or some such other nonsense. It's an amazing concept left to wander aimlessly through a slow, plodding storyline, that really ends up nowhere that isn't underwhelming. Walk, talk, sleep, act odd, repeat. That's what this movie is. Much of what we see on screen is pretty jarring and frustrating too, technically speaking. It was just a mess of a movie that we wish had been far, far better.

Another movie that made us wonder what in the hell horror directors are thinking these days was this mess of Darren Lynn Bousman's. I don't know that we saw a more dull or uneventful movie this year. Did he make 11-11-11 just to capitalize on the date? We hope so, because if he actually though he had a good script on his hands, were scared to trust his judgement anymore going forward. Unremarkable, that's maybe the best way to put it. It's one of those movies that you forget while still watching it.

How do you make a horror movie aimed at tweens and not include any sex or blood in it? We can forgive a shitty story if there's a visual payoff, hell, that's what most of the slasher flicks in the 80's were; poorly made movies with tons of awesome sex and kill scenes. These days when filmmakers recycle cliched old stories to cash in and make a few bucks off of dumb, unsuspecting kids, there's no effort involved and usually very little payoff. In a thriller like this, isn't their supposed to be tension? Do assholes just phone it in and cash a check, thus spitting in our collective faces? Yes, yes they do. It's awful movies like this that make the "PG-13" moniker so dreaded.

We loved the whores in this movie, we cant lie about that. Everything else contained herein is definite face-palm material though. How did this cheap, poorly conceived and made movie end up getting a fairly healthy theatrical run? There's barely even any good blood or kills scenes in it, at least on screen. The multiple endings left us laughing and wondering if maybe the director and his crew were high on crack one weekend and decided to "Just shoot i man, it'll all make sense later!" It's not the worst of the year as many sites are claiming it to be, but it definitely is up there on the WTF were they thinking scale.

If you like the idea of a groovy gang of ghostly hepcats talking all "daddy-o" while lamely torturing a group of skanky bikers, then you should own this movie. The movie wasn't only annoyingly acted and poorly scripted, but we think it involved aliens of some sort, but we weren't really sure. It made that little sense... or maybe it just sucked so bad that we actively blocked out any sense it did make, you know, as a survival mechanism. this movie had no clue what it wanted to be, or maybe it did and it just couldn't make us give a shit.

Check below for the rest of the naughty list of 2011 movies...

The Worst of 2011 also-rans

2011-12-30T23:43:00.004-05:00

In this category, I'd rather be an also ran. Sure, these movies sucked, but there are 10 movies that sucked even worse than these did, so really, I'd rather suck less. The movies on this list are frustrating, confounding, confusing, ridiculous, messy, pointless or just plain bad.

We understand that making a movie is a tough job; even the worst of movies have a cast and crew of people behind them that break their ass, and sometimes try their absolute hardest, but just fall short. For those folks, having their movie on a worst of list should be a learning experience. It's the movies that sucked kid, not you. Take the feedback, learn from it, and make a better movie next time. Plenty of great filmmakers and actors have made some shit movies, and yet they rebounded just fine. Keeping telling your stories from the heart, and people will eventually listen.

For the other kind of filmmakers, the ones who either don't care or think they're great when they actually suck, just give up now. This category is most reserved for studio execs who greenlight crap movies to turn a quick buck, and sucker well intentioned fans into wasting their time and money on movies that had little or no effort and creativity put into them. You need to stop wasting our time and money. there are filmmakers out there will talent and genuine passion that can use the resources and promotion that are wasted on your films, so give over and let them shine.

That being said, before we get to the 10 worst flicks of the year, here are the also rans. It could have been worse, right?

The Worst of 2011 is Coming...

2011-12-30T01:11:00.001-05:00

This shit is nigh.

The Midlins of 2011

2011-12-30T00:58:00.000-05:00

What exactly is a Middlin'? You know, it's like the old phrase "Fair to middlin'." It means Okay, decent, alright, not good but not bad. It means average. If a movie is Middlin', it's riding the middle between being good or bad. Think of it as a sort of limbo.

The movies on this years Middlin' list were either not good enough to be on any Best of List, or not bad enough to be on the Shit List. They all had equal amounts of good aspects and troubling issues. Should you see these movies, if they're so average? Sure. If one of them strikes your fancy, give it a shot, You might love it. Just remember, you also might not.

Click the pic to be taken to the review or IMDB page, depending.

The Year in Horror Hotties for 2011, part 1

2011-12-29T15:52:00.000-05:00

Before we start with the movies, it's time for us to give some love to our favorite horror movie fixtures: the Hotties. Sure, some may say they're just window dressing, or pretty faces with dirty bodies, but we say yes, you're absolutely right. Who doesn't love innocent Final Girls with hot asses? Who amongst us can discount a girl with fantastic boobs just because they might suck at acting? And really, don't misguided sluts make the world a better place? Yes. The answer is yes. So celebrate with us the nakedness, bad behavior, girl kissing, random sex, and and dirty whore-like mouths that make our horror world creepy in a whole different way.

Deborah Ann Woll
This hot ginger is the kind of girl we want to hug, because she seems so sweet, and smack her ass while were hugging her and say "you dirty little bitch, I lub you!" We're very dualistic with our affection. Also, passive aggressive.

Not only is she the hottest eternally-virgin 17 year old vampire of ever in True Blood, but she was dirty hot in Mother's Day too. She's becoming we horror fans' go-to ginger. She just needs to get a little dirtier in her future roles and she'll become an all time classic in no time at all. Maybe smoke and drink a little more. Have some extra naked sex. Kiss other girls more frequently and make it believable. It's always the little things that matter in the biggest of ways.

Katheryn Winnick
This sassy blonde captured the hearts of our penis's way back in the day (a few years ago) in Satan's Little Helper, starring as the slutty sister who let Satan go down on her. Then, she made us pee ourselves a little in Amusement, because that clown was scary. This year she gave us an equally stirring performance in Choose, the highlight of which is where she was tied to a bed. So talented.

Why is it the prissy blondes that always seem to have the hardest time slutting it up for us? It's a shame too, because her almost-nakedness and penchant for kissing girls is truly inspiring. Her facial features go well together... a bit too well, don't you think? Especially those lips. Those dirty, dirty lips.

Katrina Bowden
Even though she's a prude that will never get naked because she thinks she's too hot, we can't help but recognize her loin-stirring sassiness. We first worked one out to her in 2009's The Shortcut. She was so wholesome we just couldn't help ourselves. This year though she really upped her horror game with Tucker & Dale vs Evil. I kinda wish she would have banged Tyler Labine on screen though, but that's neither here nor there. Issues, I have them.

She's kinda like the hookery girl next door; you know, the snotty, superficial head cheerleader that is definitely up for some hot backdoor action if you're the team QB, or you look like a half gay Abercrombie model? Yeah, that's her. With Piranha 3DD and Nurse 3-D coming up next year, we can only hope she loses some of her prudish nature and sluts it up bit more.

Mmmelissa George
Our love affair with this woman will NEVER end. Not only does she rock the incredible hotness of an Aussie accent, but look at that mouth. It's the perfect combo of full, lush lips and teeth. Maybe it's just the upper lip, I don't know, but lips are a big deal. Especially to men with questionable morals.

The best thing about Mmmelissa is that she's all about the horror genre. Bag of Bones might have sucked, but A Lonely Place to Die sure didn't. She may have been fully dressed in mountain climbing gear for that one, but she still rocked. Recently, the tabloids are reporting that she's dating 54 year old Russell Simmons, which is kinda sad and creepy, but it proves that she'll pretty much bang anyone, which just makes her all the more hot.

*Disclaimer: For the record, we'd bang a billionaire too if we had the chance, even and old, black and not attractive one like Russell Simmons. Billionaire. That word pretty much cancels out any argument we could possibly mount here, no?

Jennifer Ulrich
Something about this German schlampe just captivates us. Ok, she might not truly be a schlampe in her off screen life, but we hope she is. In any event, she was plenty schlampy in We are the Night, in which she pretty much just sat around looking pissy, chain smoking, banging random guys and drinking their blood, and even scissor kissing her fellow hot vampire schlampe friends.

Where did this girl come from all of a sudden? Germany, I suppose. Where does she go from here, in addition to our collective spank bank? Hopefully on to more horror projects. She's already got one on the way called 205- Zimmer der Angst, which is a Swedish horror flick. She plays mean and sexy well, and with those eyes... we will definitely be in line to check it out.

Wir lieben Sie, Jennifer!

Oh yeah, there is a part two, and it's right down there...

The Year in Horror Hotties for 2011, part 2

2011-12-29T15:51:00.003-05:00

Before we start with the movies, it's time for us to give some love to our favorite horror movie fixtures: the Hotties. Sure, some may say they're just window dressing, or pretty faces with dirty bodies, but we say yes, you're absolutely right. Who doesn't love innocent Final Girls with hot asses? Who amongst us can discount a girl with fantastic boobs just because they might suck at acting? And really, don't misguided sluts make the world a better place? Yes. The answer is yes. So celebrate with us the nakedness, bad behavior, girl kissing, random sex, and and dirty whore-like mouths that make our horror world creepy in a whole different way.

Alexandra Daddario
Eyes or jugs? I dare you to decide which one of them is the more perfect feature on this girl. Her boobs are like 2 massive scoops of dirty vanilla ice cream, and her eyes are crystal clear pools of blue sin. Bereavement was a great movie all on it's own, but the curvy brunette hotness of Alexandra definitely made it that much better.

And yes, we are excited to see Leatherface 3D next year, just because of her. You just know she'll be running around all sweaty in a dirty wife beater, fighting for her sexy life, and that just can't be a bad thing... even if the thought of a TCM movie in "3D' makes us sad. She goes topless, all is forgiven.

Amber Marie Bollinger
We're not completely sure, but we think she just dropped the "Amber" from her name, as her IMDB page just say Marie now. Hmm... Until this mystery is cleared up, we will call her The Bollinger Girl. It's just what we have to do.

Anywho, just look at her face. Just look for a minute... Eyes, pretty. Nose, cute. Lips, full and wet (?), even a cleft in the chin. She's got that perfect kind of face that makes her able to rock the short haircut, and that's not easy to pull off for a lot of women. Still though there's something else on that face that is better than everything else... she has a cleft in her lip! We'd run backwards with a greased ass through a field of dicks for one kiss from those lips. Not even a dirty one. A peck. Lip cleft, okay? Lip cleft.

She's definitely a horror girl too, which is the best part. Pelt, Hell-O-Ween, Panman... all low budget, but one of these days she's going to get scooped up for a bigger budget flick and all hell's gonna break loose. I said it here first. If you aren't familiar with her, just check this video out. There's so much sexiness happening in this video, that we lose focus and black out about halfway through... I'm pretty sure The Bollinger Girl is kissing her own leg at one point, I don't even know. Anywho, much love.

Danielle Harris
Danielle Harris really should be everyone's Hottie of the Year, because is there any hot girl who shows up in more horror flicks than she does? Stake Land, Hatchet II, Cyrus, The Victim, Chromeskull, Devil's Night... She is this generations Jamie Lee Curtis, only way hotter. she a busy girl.

She's kinda like a dirty pixie. A dirty, murderous pixie who looks good in skimpy clothes and covered in blood. Seriously, isn't she like 4'9 or something? Don't get it twisted, tiny or not, we're not fucking with her, because she's creepy. Creepy in a good way though. We look forward to seeing her in about 15 more movies in 2012.

Amber Heard
This girl makes us want to be a lesbian. I mean she's basically the quintessential smoky hot blonde, isn't she? We admire the fact that she hates penis, because we do too (even our own.)

Amber Heard has been showing up in horror flicks for year snow, going all the way back to the awesome All the Boys Love Mandy Lane in 2006. This year, she gave us The Ward, which was mediocre at best, and the insanely fun Drive Angry 3D, which didn't get the love it deserved. Nic Cage having sex during a gun fight and Amber Heard walking around in a skimpy shirt and cut off shorts, how is that not brilliant?

Amanda Seyfried and her BOOBS.
Sure, Red Riding Hood sucked, and In Time was Sci-Fi and pretty much sucked, but good lord have you seen this girl? Not only is she gorgeous, but she may have the best tits of all damn time.

There's really not much else to say here. I guess we could mention that she's coming out in a horror-thriller next year called Gone, but really, she's here because of the tittahs. She shows them in all of their naked glory in the creepy lesbian stalker movie, Chloe. You're welcome.

And that's that. Now go rent all of their movies.

Sweeping up, Part 6 of 6

2011-12-28T14:38:00.000-05:00

We've seen a ton of movies in 2011, reviewed a bunch of them, and yet we still have so many that we never talked about. There's plenty of reasons as to why we don't review certain movies; sometimes we're lazy, sometimes we don't have much to say that tons of other sites haven't said already, and sometimes we just get tired of sounding negative.

So with 2012 rapidly approaching, we're going to take a quick look at some of the movies of 2011 that we've ignored.

These are going to be quick and fairly to the point, although in all fairness, our points may suck. Then again, our points seldom suck.

Final Destination 5- Can we just be honest about this franchise? It needs to stop. Yes, these movies are an excellent source of creative kills and copious amounts of blood and gore, but the pain one must endure to get to those good parts is just too much to bear anymore.

Each time we get an FD sequel, it's a new accident that nearly claims the lives of the perfectly gorgeous groups of stereotype teens, and then it's them running around either clueless that death is right behind them, or racing against time to save each other and stop death.

These flicks remind me of the game Mousetrap. Remember that one? It's this elaborate contraption where you start a marble at one end, and it goes through a series of crazy traps and obstacles that trigger the next one over and over again until your marble reaches the end. It's neat the first couple of times, then it becomes annoyingly repetitive, and you get tired of waiting for the whole thing to unfold, just to see your marble end up in a fucking basket. That's these movies.

The Master Says- C We give FD5 a middle of the road grade only because while we couldn't stand sitting through it, it does delivers the goods that fans have come to expect from the series, and it delivers them very well. If you like creative, graphic and crazy bloody kill scenes, this franchise is for you. If you enjoy not being annoyed, then it is not.

Faces in the crowd- Mila, Mila, Mila, why you do me like thees, Mila! It's bad enough that we have to endure some of the shittiness that is the Resident Evil series (We love those movies, but be honest, some of them are shit), but at least they're entertaining.

This movie? This slow, poorly plotted "thriller?" You don't even get naked in in, Mila!

The insipid plot line involves a woman who witnesses a serial killer's latest murder, and then is struck with some sort of "Facial Blindness" in which people's faces change appearance when she looks away from them...

Yeah. Clever, right? So the whole movie is her looking at people and seeing all sorts of different people and not knowing who anyone is, all the while the killer is closing in on her....

Oooooh.

The Master Says- DO NOT WANT We're sorry to have so shit on a genre flick starring our beloved Mila Jovovich, but good God this one was a suck job. The premise could have worked, as goofy as it was, but it felt cheesy, repetitive and just got boring. It's one of those where you know who the killer is about halfway through, because it's so clumsily scripted.

Trespass- Oh Look, another crappy movie starring Nic Cage... and Cam Gigandet, who we just talked about starring in The Roomate. They honestly have a knack for being in some shit movies, don't they?

At least with cage we can forgive him, because he does the whole "Nic Cage" thing well, and usually entertains us. Like here for example, where he plays a father frantically trying to keep a bunch of home invaders from offing his family, He's good.

Of course the script is so bad, and the movie is so painfully slow and uneventful, that by the time we're 20 minutes or so into things, we stopped caring. It's a dialogue filled "thriller." Seriosuly, they talk, one of the crooks punches or threatents someone, they talk; repeat over and over until the end.

You want to see a good movie in this vein, go rent the Desperate Hours with Mickey Rourke. That's how a movie like this should be done... wait a minute, it already was.

The Master Says- DO NOT WANT After his awesomely schlocky Drive Angry 3D, we have to wonder why Nic cage went back top a snooze fest like this as a follow up. And Nicole Kidman is alive? Jesus, where has she been? Then again, we care as much about that as Tom Cruise might. This movie isn't offensively bad, it's just far too boring and clumsy to be any good.

Now that we've touched briefly on the stragglers that we nearly left behind, our Best/Worst of's can begin.

Best of 2011
Worst of 2011
The Middlin's of 2011
The Top 10 Horror Hottie's of 2010...

Thsi is going to be fun.

Sweeping up, Part 5 of 6

2011-12-27T22:35:00.000-05:00

We've seen a ton of movies in 2011, reviewed a bunch of them, and yet we still have so many that we never talked about. There's plenty of reasons as to why we don't review certain movies; sometimes we're lazy, sometimes we don't have much to say that tons of other sites haven't said already, and sometimes we just get tired of sounding negative.

So with 2012 rapidly approaching, we're going to take a quick look at some of the movies of 2011 that we've ignored.

These are going to be quick and fairly to the point, although in all fairness, our points may suck. Then again, our points seldom suck.

The Roommate- Why do movies like this even get made? Sure, we get that Hollywood desperately needs money, and that the easiest way to rake a bunch of it in is to make some half-assed garbage like this that's aimed at teen audiences, but come on.

A hot, naive freshman arrives at school straight off the bus from Iowa (or Idaho or some shit), and is immediately drawn in to and bewildered by the LA party scene. She meets the sexy sweet guy played by Cam Gigandet (who has a knack lately for being in every shitty movie made), and her creepy roommate who is equally as hot.

Of course, creepy roomie girl begins to attack and kill everyone around her new Idaho bestie, because it's worked in other movies before, so why not do the same thing here?

The TV show Pretty Little Liars has more suspense in its opening credits than can be found in this entire movie.

The Master Says- DO NOT WANT If you're looking for a shitty re-telling of the 1992 thriller Single White Female, look no further, because that's exactly what this "movie" is. Mostly bloodless, insipidly plotted and acted, this isn't even good on a funny level. You know a movie's bad when not even the combined hotness of Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly can save it. Hell, forget save, they couldn't even help this movie out a little bit.

Texas Killing Fields- Here's a movie with a great cast, a great based on true events story, and some pretty good film making involved. It wasn't as great overall as we had hoped it would be, but it's still a solidly entertaining flick.

Loosely based on true events, the movie follows the story of a serial killer murdering young whores and dumping their bodies in a local wetlands, called The Killing Fields.

Two detectives are hot on the trail of the killer, and a young local girl might just be their next target....

Ok, the plot sounds all too familiar, but it's a good story. The saving grace of this flick is the performances by its leads; Sam Worthington was actually decent in this one, and not all that wooden like he normally is. The always awesome Jeffrey Dean Morgan was his usual awesome self. It's Chloe Moretz though, that steals the show here. The kid's got chops, and she keeps getting better and better with every role.

The Master Says- B If you like cop movies involving serial killers (which we love), then this movie will tickle your creepy bone. Chole Moretz is a superstar growing up before our eyes, and she loves being in cool genre flicks, which is nothing but good news for us. This is a decent, under the radar flick that is definitely worthy of a spin in your DVD player.

Dylan Dog- This movie made me want to punch somebody in the face. It could be just a matter of taste or preference, but I'd rather like to think that it's a matter of it sucked, and I don't like sucky movies. Who knows.

First of all, Brandon Routh kinda sucks. He nearly killed the Superman franchise, and often times seems like he's imitating a piece of wood on screen. He's not Channing Tatum bad, but he's close enough.

Second, it just didn't work as a horror comedy. All of the flair or emotion the story may have had in the comic series it's based on was all but absent in the film version. Mainly because Brandon Routh can't emote.

I dont know, maybe I am personally just to cynical for this movie, which is a shame. I like tongue in cheek comedy with my horror from time to time; I'll go to my grave thinking Black Sheep is one of the best things I've ever seen. Too bad this movie doesn't make me feel the same way.

The Master Says- D If you want to see a great movie like this, and one that this movie should have been far more like, check out Cemetery Man. That's how you do offbeat, sad and humorous inside the confines of the horror genre. The story, dialogue, acting and action here just don't work as well. I know some of you will like this flick, but that's your problem, isn't it?

The 6th and final part of this mini recap is nigh, and then we talk about the best and worst of 2011.

Try to contain your excitement.

Sweeping up, Part 4 of 6

2011-12-27T15:33:00.001-05:00

We've seen a ton of movies in 2011, reviewed a bunch of them, and yet we still have so many that we never talked about. There's plenty of reasons as to why we don't review certain movies; sometimes we're lazy, sometimes we don't have much to say that tons of other sites haven't said already, and sometimes we just get tired of sounding negative.

So with 2012 rapidly approaching, we're going to take a quick look at some of the movies of 2011 that we've ignored.

These are going to be quick and fairly to the point, although in all fairness, our points may suck. Then again, our points seldom suck.

The Woman- Oh boy, here's the movie that caused so much uproar at Sundance; you remember, people were freaking out, passing out and getting sick because it was just so emotionally draining on them? LOL, pussies.

The Woman is about a wild, feral, woods-dwelling woman, who is found and captured by some guy, locked in his bar, and kept there like a pet. A rape pet.

You see, the guy who found her is an average ordinary rural Dad type, aside from the fact that he's a creepy sociopath who love rape and torture. People have called this movie misogynistic, and really it's anything but. If anything, The Woman is about evil men getting what they deserve, and a strong woman giving it to them. It's basically female empowerment.

And yes, this movie is pretty violent and nasty. In that respect, I can see the pretentious whiners in the Sundance audience having a point. Still, pussies LOL.

The Master Says- A Rough, bloody, creepy and disturbingly graphic, Lucky McKee has crafted a solid little horror flick for fans of the genre to both love and revile. I mean, how can we not love nipples being pulled off with pliers, and faces being chewed off out of pure rage? That's pretty much the stuff we live for.

Apollo 18- From the first time we saw the trailer for this one, it absolutely piqued our interest. A found footage flick based on the moon... it has to be interesting, right? Meh.

We, the audience, are treated to a viewing of decades old NASA footage that was never revealed to the general public until now, and it shows us exactly why we humans never returned to the moon.

It's slow, fairly uneventful, the characters did some things that made little sense, and the found footage aspect of it all felt forced. It had a few tense moments, but that doesn't excuse the res for being so dull.

We get to see the "Moon Menace" for about 10 seconds, and once we do, we remember why bad CGI is so... well, bad. And the ending...

One person on IMDB said it the best: "In space, no one can hear you yawn."

The Master Says- D This one could have been better if the script had been tighter and contained some actual horror , but as it stands, Apollo 18 was a pretty big let down. Lots of people seemed to have liked it. That's cool, it wasn't truly horrible, it just kinda sucked. It needed a bit more spice. We love a subtle, slow burn, but this one just didn't burn quite hot enough for us.

Fright Night- It didn't suck. It wasn't as fun as the original, but then again the original holds a special place in our hearts for nostalgia's sake alone, but it didn't suck. That's saying a lot.

You all know the story; Charley lives next door to Jerry, a Vampire, he decides he has to stop his murderous behavior, Peter Vincent is reluctant to help him kill it, his girlfriend is way too hot for him and nearly bangs Jerry... It's just about exactly the same as the original.

The differences are interesting. Colin Farrell is pretty good as Jerry. He's more of a bad boy vampire in this one than the original, and it works well with the times. Anton Yelchin is... Anton Yelchin. We aren't sure whether or not we like him, but he was alright here, though he's no William Ragsdale (at least in this role.) Peter Vincent, Roddy McDowall was better in the original, but David Tennat was pretty good too. Way different though. And the best part about the remake: Imogen Poots. Man is she a smoking hot upgrade over the way-too-mannish Amanda Bearse.

The Master Says- B Much like this year's other big remake of The Thing, Fright Night was actually pretty decent. It forgoes the goofy kitsch of the original in favor of a bit of a harsher, more "realistic" feel, but it works none the less, and still manages to be fun. We would watch a Fright Night II remake if Colin Farrell was on board, which it looks as if he may be...

Part 5 is nearly here...

Sweeping up, Part 3 of 6

2011-12-26T22:00:00.002-05:00

We've seen a ton of movies in 2011, reviewed a bunch of them, and yet we still have so many that we never talked about. There's plenty of reasons as to why we don't review certain movies; sometimes we're lazy, sometimes we don't have much to say that tons of other sites haven't said already, and sometimes we just get tired of sounding negative.

So with 2012 rapidly approaching, we're going to take a quick look at some of the movies of 2011 that we've ignored.

These are going to be quick and fairly to the point, although in all fairness, our points may suck. Then again, our points seldom suck.

Red, White & Blue- We caught this one way back at the beginning of the year, and even though we liked it, we never reviewed it. This is an example of one that we forgot about, so shame on us.

RW&B is the story of Erica; a slutty, emotionless void of a woman who will band anything she comes across. Sure, she's got her reasons for being like that, but it doesn't make it right! (just kidding, we love sluts.)

When she meets Nate, a skanky drifter and ex- military wetwork guy, she begins to see what being cared for is all about. Unfortunately for both of them, a gang bang gone wrong is about to make things go from depressingly bad to violently worse...

RW&B starts off slow and ends with a crazy bang, so to speak, and all the while the whole thing is covered in a nasty film of dysfunction and despair. It doesn't get truly horrific until the end, but once the horror kicks in, it's a tough one to endure.

The Master Says- B RW&B is a sad story that makes you feel kinda grimy for watching it. It's about sad people that go through some creepy things, and none of them escape unharmed. Amanda Fuller and Noah Taylor turn in great performances that make you feel for their characters even when they're up to their own kinds of shady business. If you like it real and gritty, this movie is one to check out.

ChromeSkull: Laid to Rest 2- Not as good as 2009's Laid to Rest, this sequel still delivers on the blood and gore that helped make the original into a cult hit.

The story here is basically the same as it was in part 1; the bloodthirsty ChromeSkull slices and dices his way through a bunch of sexy young people, because he's a sociopath.

What makes part 2 a bit different, is that it shows how ChromeSkull has a "team" of helpers in his corner. It all feels kinda Military in a way. Brian Austin Greene and the ever-hot Danielle Harris are his main Chromies, and they're just about as twisted as he is.

The blood flows very freely in this one. It's a gory, messy mess of a gory mess, and we're not exaggerating. It's worth seeing for the "spinning blade" scene alone. That was truly awesome.

The Master Says- B If you like slasher flicks, this is a movie you'll most likely love. It's not as smooth and straightforward as its predecessor, and feels too over complicated at times, but in the end it delivers the crimson goodness, so all is forgiven. Also, it's always good to see Danielle Harris on screen, and she's especially cute and nasty in this one.

Attack the Block- I hate Chavs. In the U.S., Chavs are known as Wiggers (not the nicest name you can call someone, but they seem to like it.) You know, the average young, dumb white kid who thinks he's Eminem, wears his pants around his ass and talks like he was raised on the means streets of Compton? Well, the annoying antics of the Chavs was nearly enough to make me stop watching ATB... but I'm glad I didn't.

Attack the Block is all about a bunch of 12 year old British Eminem wanna-be's who run around robbing innocent people because they're like a gang or something. Things get interesting when a bunch of bad ass looking alien dogs appear and start killing people. Naturally, it's up to the thugs to save "da block" from the alien invasion.

This was a fun movie. The aliens looked awesome, sort of like some dark matter dogs with crazy eyes. Once they stopped being annoying, the kids were pretty cool and stood their ground like pro's.

The Master Says- A- If you like your horror all full of Sci-Fi, then why haven't you seen this movie? If I had to compare it to something, it would have to be along the lines of Tremors meets Battle:LA. Great Britain has been turning out some great genre flicks as of late, and this one might be the one with the highest fun factor. Giver 'er a spin and enjoy.

Part 4 is on tha way, Guv...

Sweeping up, Part 2 of 6

2011-12-25T22:30:00.003-05:00

We've seen a ton of movies in 2011, reviewed a bunch of them, and yet we still have so many that we never talked about. There's plenty of reasons as to why we don't review certain movies; sometimes we're lazy, sometimes we don't have much to say that tons of other sites haven't said already, and sometimes we just get tired of sounding negative.

So with 2012 rapidly approaching, we're going to take a quick look at some of the movies of 2011 that we've ignored.

These are going to be quick and fairly to the point, although in all fairness, our points may suck. Then again, our points seldom suck.

Dream House- Whereas this movie was marketed to look like a ghostly horror movie, it was really more of a drama.

DH revolves around a family that moves into a house with a dark and dangerous past (ugh); the homes previous owner killed his wife and kids you see, and is of course "still out there."

Weird things start happening to the family after moving in, and they soon discover that the killer might be back to claim his house and kill them too...

This was a decent little movie. Daniel Craig is a favorite of ours, mainly because he makes a good James Bond, but he plays creepy well here too. Of course any movie with Rachel Weisz is always worth checking out, because she's a hottie and a half. And let us not forget the also hot neighbor, Naomi Watts.

Dream House has it's moments, and entertains.

The Master Says- C+ This movie is decent enough, and fairly entertaining, even if it is a bit misleading. If you like a good thriller with a decent twist or two, you'll most likely enjoy this movie. Be warned though, it's not quite the horror flick it looks to be. It's actually more of a mystery. We don't care; it's got 2 hot chicks and James Bond in it.

Dream Home- Not to be confused with the above mentioned Dream House, Dream Home is a bloody, gory, sex filled, nasty little horror flick that even managed to tackle some tough Chinese social issues.

It also stars the hot as hell Josie Ho, who incidentally has the best name of all time for a hot chick.

Dream Home is about a psychopathic hot chick (Ho), who has it in her mind that she needs to live in her dream home, even though she cant afford it at all. Being clever, she decides to start killing the neighbor in order to make the place undesirable and drive the price down.

This movie really get violent and bloody, as we watch our creepy main character just kill people like it's nothing. If you like your Asian horror flicks on the nasty side of things, you will love this movie. Interestingly, it's based on a true story.

The Master Says- B+ Dream Home is a fun, creepy and messy movie. Josie Ho, aside from being hot, plays the psycho role rather well. You may even find yourself cheering her on, although she is no hero. We kept wanting her to get caught or killed, because she seemed so unstoppable. How does it end? Rent/Buy a copy and find out. You wont be sorry.

Red Riding Hood- Amanda Seyfried's boobs. That's about all we liked about this one, although it wasn't truly "Bad."

RRH is another Twilight-inspired love fest for teens, in which a cute, big tittied girl loves a mysterious and brooding outcast... yeah.

Their love is forbidden, so they plan to run away together and love each other desperately for all of time. Then, the town werewolf starts killing people...

The plot is lame, unless you like schmaltzy teen romance crap. The movie does look really good though, and boasts not only Seyfried's tittahs, but the ever-awesome Gary Oldman. What he was doing in this movie, we'll never know, but he was interesting to watch as always, even in the midst of such a blah story.

Had this movie had a bit more bite, it could have been something special.

The Master Says- C If you like Twilight, perfect boobs, or Gary Oldman, you may find something redeeming about this movie. IF you hate any of the above, skip it. If you have a mixture of love and hate for the above, then watch it, just maybe fast forward a lot.

PArt 3 coming forthwith...

Sweeping up, Part 1 of 6

2011-12-22T04:14:00.002-05:00

We've seen a ton of movies in 2011, reviewed a bunch of them, and yet we still have so many that we never talked about. There's plenty of reasons as to why we don't review certain movies; sometimes we're lazy, sometimes we don't have much to say that tons of other sites haven't said already, and sometimes we just get tired of sounding negative.

So with 2012 rapidly approaching, we're going to take a quick look at some of the movies of 2011 that we've ignored.

These are going to be quick and fairly to the point, although in all fairness, our points may suck. Then again, our points seldom suck.

The Dead- Quick, name the last great movie you saw that was set in Africa. Go ahead. I'll wait... Nothing coming to mind, huh? Well here's one that will forever fill that troubling void for you, and it's a zombie flick.

The Dead is basically about an American Air Force Engineer who is stranded in Africa, just as Zombie Apocalypse is breaking out. He meets up with some pissed-off looking black soldier, and together they head across the dry, barren, desolate, dry, hot and dry landscape of Africa, killing zombies left and right.

It's a road movie. Like Hope & Crosby, Thelma & Louise, or even Tango & Cash, our mismatched heroes set off on a cross country trek with guns blazing! Alright, so maybe Hope & Crosby never had any blazing guns, and maybe Tango & Cash never left LA, but you get the idea.

The Dead is a movie that repeats itself a lot; it seems as if the movie basically follows the formula of walk/drive, shoot zombies, repeat. It's not terribly deep as far as character development goes, and the plot isn't very rich with detail either. What The Dead is though, is a really good zombie flick that brings back the glory of the slow moving undead.

The Master Says- B+ The Dead is a slow and repetitive movie at times, but it's also bloody and filled with all kinds of zombie goodness. In a day and age when "Zombie Movie" means a bunch of infected people chasing a small band of survivors around, it's nice to see a zombie flick that feels a bit more old fashioned.

Julia's Eyes- Produced by the Uber-Awesome Guillermo Del Toro, Julia's Eyes is an interesting little thriller, that felt rather Giallo-ish at times.

It's the story of a woman who is slowly losing her eyesight who, after finding her twin sister swinging from a rope, is tormented by a mysterious "Invisible Man."

It's basically a Cat-and-Mouse guessing game of a movie, in which some mysterious man/woman with creepy motives has murdered one sister, and seems to really want to off the other one too.

Visually it's a great movie, very dark and shadowy, as any movie about failing eyesight should be I guess. The only real issue we had with this one was that the plot got a bit over complicated as it went on. Not that it was hard to follow or ridiculous, but had the movie played things a bit more straight forward, it would have been better for it.

The Master Says- B What we have here is an interesting movie that manages to maintain a pretty decent level of tension and a creepy mood throughout, that loses a bit of its luster towards the end. It's entertaining enough though, and should satisfy most of you who decide to watch it. I just really wish the ending had been a bit better. Have you ever notice that a lot of most Non-American market movies tend to end on a down note?

The Rite- The Rite was one of those movies that we wanted to love, because Anthony Hopkins and his awesomeness just inspires us to love, but in the end it just fell flat. It's one of those "crisis of faith" movies, intermingled with the backdrop of exorcism. Good exorcism movies are hard to come by; sure, there's a good or decent one now and then, but none have really ever come close to doing what The Exorcist did.

It's always a treat to watch Sir Anthony do his thing, isn't it? Even when he's starring in a movie that doesn't quite hit that high level of "good", he's always interesting to watch. It's no different here, as he plays a controversial exorcist that performs very controversial exorcisms.

We like a lot of this movie, but it was the last reel that threw us off. We wont spoil anything for those of you still waiting to catch this one on DVD, but it just lacked the impact that it should have had, especially with Hopkins in the driver's seat, so to speak.

The Master Says- C+ As exorcism movies goes, this one was pretty good, although once again, it kind of lost the grip it had on us by the time it started winding up. Still, flaws or not, it's always good fun to watch Sir Anthony do his thing, especially when his thing is creepy. He's getting older, you know, so we are happy savoring what he gives us, while we can. That sounded morbid... Anywho, The Rite makes for a decent rental, or and even better "wait until it comes on cable" type of experience.

*Part 2 of 6 is coming later today

Suspiria and American Psycho are next to be remade...

2011-12-09T08:58:00.007-05:00

An Evil Dead remake with no Ash and Devil Coby on rewrite duties is bad enough news for horror fans, but after throwing Suspiria and American Psycho's hats into the remake ring, this shit just has to stop.

We understand that Hollywood doesn't care about much other than turning a profit, and that horror is pretty much the bastard son of Tinsel Town, but enough is enough.

If you're all out of ideas, which Hollywood clearly is, you remake shitty or sub par movies, not classics. Piranha was a great idea for a remake, and it was bloody, unapologetic fun. The Crazies made for a great update. Others like Dawn of the Dead, TCM, and The Hills Have Eyes all turned out pretty good, whether they needed to be remade or not.

Most horror remakes, however, tend to suck. Not just because they are "remakes", but because they are inferior versions of already good movies. I'm not going to list them. You already know which ones suck.

If the "new generation" can't relate to a movie like American Psycho, which was made not even 12 years ago, then fuck them. American Psycho took a book that was basically impossible to film, and gave us a modern day horror masterpiece. Christian Bale was dead solid perfect as Patrick Bateman. He got what the book was about. So did the director. It will not get any better. There's no new spin you can put on it. So why do it? Especially since it's going to be a film with a "very small budget?" According to Lionsgate, the remake will be “a down and dirty new version that imagines how yuppie serial killer Patrick Bateman would fare in New York today.” Great. So What, Twitter and smart phones will figure prominently?

This.
Suspiria is a far older movie, but it's such a unique movie in so many ways, that the thought of a remake baffles us. Some will argue that the movie sucked, and it could use a newer, better version. I can't fathom how it can be made better or more effective. The movie had its flaws, but that was part of what made Giallo and Italian horror films of the 70's so great; a lot of the time they felt confused, had silly dialogue, implausible plots, "WTF!" inducing endings... but it wasn't about coherence or polish. That's not what made them great. Atmosphere, striking visuals paired with haunting and seemingly perfect music, sex and blood... that's why Italy shined so brightly in the genre. They understood nuance. They also like graphic violence. It was like morbid art.

What can these remakes possibly offer horror fans? Black Swan with more gore? Patrick Batemean blogging about the subtle nuance of the Black Eyed Peas while beating a cat to death with his iPhone?

Good luck assholes.

With so many great horror movies out there that never get a proper chance to shine... oh wait a minute... most of those are from Europe, Asia, and every other part of the world that isn't Hollywood. I see. If you can't beat em, just remake stuff.

This is exactly why we focus our attention on movie like I Saw the Devil, Troll Hunter, Megan is Missing, Stake Land, The Tunnel, The Shrine, Tucker & Dale vs Evil, Wake Wood... love them or hate them, these are all great horror flicks that deserve an audience. They all saw release this year, and sadly, most people will not even know they exist.

The horror genre has to be about more than Final Destination 9, Saw 23, and countless remakes that serve little purpose other than to sucker people into theaters. Fans deserve better.

The last 10 Horror Eyes of 2011!

2011-12-09T07:32:00.015-05:00

I know, it makes us sad too, but really, they'll be plenty more in 2012.

At any rate, let's get down with 10 more pair of awesome eyes from the genre flicks we love.

Sexy German Eyes (Hostel 2)
Mother's Eyes (Event Horizon)
When the Hot Girl Dies Eyes (Creature)
The Eye of Argento's Brilliance (Deep Red)
Too Pretty to Die Eyes (Evil Things)
Stupid Whore Eyes (Vlog)
Bathed in Light Eyes (Wound)
Dead Girlfriend Eyes (Wrong Turn 4)
Shocked Boyfriend Eyes (Wrong Turn 4)
Witness Eyes (What Have You Done to Solange?)

Cabin in the Woods finally has a trailer?

2011-12-05T15:48:00.004-05:00

Wow, and it only took the better part of three years! How does it look, after such a long and much, much hyped wait? Not Sure. It looks... well, you check it out and decide for yourself.

The movie has been done since 2009, but has suffered delay after delay, finally getting an April 2012 release date. It look like it's Cube meets Evil Dead meets an edgier Buffy, and we have to admit we're intrigued.

For the record, the song at the beginning is Young Blood by The Naked and Famous, and it's a great song. Maybe that's a good omen.

Little Deaths (2011)

2011-11-30T01:30:00.004-05:00

*On DVD December 13th
Hobo Rape. Nazi-gimp sperm milking. Dog domination. These are the main ingredients in Little Deaths; a crazy, demented little movie made up of 3 vignettes, all about the horrors of relationships. I swear, the fucking British are always on about something that manages to creep me out.

"House and Home" is the first story of the three, and involves a rich couple who love Jesus, and love to spend their time doing good deeds. They also love to invite homeless people to their crib, drug them, and then take turns raping them, because who in their right mind doesn't love to rape homeless people? The wife is a snooty bitch and her hubby is a simpering puss-bag, so right off the bat you can see who's in control... I'm pretty sure it's her he wants to rape and kill, because she really deserves it. But, let's take out our anger on some poor destitute homeless chick instead...

Which brings us to Sorrow; the hot homeless chick with a very foreboding name. Right off the bat you should know that raping "sorrow" cant be the best of ideas. It's like trying to stab "hate", or bitch slap "rage." Nothing good can come of it.

And of course, nothing does. Nudity, bondage, rape, face pissing and blood ensue. Lots of blood.

Cheeky bitch.
Freaky bitch.
Things get way crazier in the second story, "Mutant Tool." It's the story of an ex-hooker who is trying to fight the urge to keep banging random strangers, yet keeps banging random strangers; and a Nazi-era gimp with the largest wiener I've ever seen, who is kept chained up so that he can be milked for his mutant load, which is turned into a pill which enables people to have some sort of ESP high... I think. None of that is exaggeration. In fact, I'm holding back on some of it, to avoid crazy spoilers.

Seriously, this gimp is rocking the joint of a large Rhino here, and it's kinda scary. Being fed pureed human organs doesn't make things any less creepy, and seeing the chick take these crazy sperm pills and have a psychic link to the gimp while pissing blood doesn't help either. This is definitely Cronenberg territory.

It's hard to properly break this story down without using about 5,000 more words, so let's just leave it at this; it's trippy, creepy, and gross. Also, it might be best to watch this on some sort of hallucinogen. We're not condoning drug use, but it's true.

Biggest man-hammer ever.
Yeah. That's exactly what you think it is.
The last segment's title, "Bitch", has a double meaning; on one hand, it refers to the girlfriend of the story, because she's a raging bitch; on the other, it refers to her boyfriend, because he's a spineless man-bitch. Then again, it also refers to dogs, which can be bitches too, so really it has multiple meanings.

Bitch is the most twisted of the three, in a way, because it's a story that is real and you know things like this just have to go on in daily life with many couples. She's the Dom, he's the sub, and he loves when she humiliates him, bangs him in his brown balloon knot with a strap-on, bangs other people and makes him watch, makes him walk around on all fours like a dog... which she's profoundly terrified of.

After a while he grows tired of his bitch treating him like a bitch, and since he's not one to bitch, he gathers up a bunch of bitches, ties her up despite her bitching... and we've said too much already. Suffice it to say that every bitch eventually bites back when beaten enough, and sometimes they travel in packs. Bitch. Just wanted to say that one more time.

Walk in, see this... what do?
Do this.
Little Deaths is a very visual movie, using sex and violence tell its story. It's not all exploitation though; it's also interesting to see the reds, greens, blues and different hues on display here. The movie is arty, without feeling pretentious or self important. It's obvious the 3 directors wanted to shock and maybe even make a small statement with their vignettes, but they also wanted it to be interesting and different. Maybe that's why the movie works.

All three segments were enjoyable in their own way, and for different reasons, but if we had to pick on as our favorite, it would have to be Mutant Tool. It was definitely the most "out there" and it was about an abnormally ginormous dick... how can you not love that? *Disclaimer: we do not, as a general rule, "love" dick. We prefer boobs. Although one of us, who is a girl, likes dick and boobs, but that's neither here nor there. Thank you.

What did we learn?- Don't rape homeless people. Don't be a hooker. Don't do drugs. Also, be nice to bitches.

The Master Says- B+ This was a different, fun, disturbing, sexually charged look at sexual dysfunction and it's end results. Nudity, sex, blood and gore are the stars here, but there's also a big psychological component that drives the movie and its stories forward. If you like it disturbing and mentally challenging, then you should grab a copy of this and give it a go. then again, you'll probably like it if you enjoy large peen and beastiality too. And piss. An buckets of sperm.

Final Thoughts- Since there's a Pitbull in this movie, we thought we'd take a second to show some love to one of the best breeds of dogs in the world. Don't believe the hype; Pits are sweet, loving, amazing dogs, unless raised or mistreated by cocksuckers. Then again, that rule tends to go for humans as well.

10 reasons why The Thing (2011) didn't suck like we thought it would...

2011-11-27T23:52:00.002-05:00

*Maybe still in theaters now, on DVD in early 2012
The big reason that this movie works so well for us is because instead of being a remake or sequel, it was a prequel. Sure, John Carpenter's 1982 classic was itself a remake, but it was, and still is to this day, a superb horror movie. When we heard that it was getting the redux treatment, we cringed and wished death on whomever came up with the awful idea of messing with such an absolute classic...

Having seen it though, under protest, we have to admit that we were wrong, and that the 2011 Thing was a pretty damned good movie. It bears similarities to the 1982 version, as well as having some very Alien-esque moments as well, but it's not entirely fair to call this a new version, is it? It is in fact a prequel, so really, it's its own entity. Even if it had been a direct remake, we'd be hard pressed to hate it.

If you liked Carpenter's 1982's opus, there's really no reason you shouldn't enjoy the hell out of this one too. It's not as good of a film, but it doesn't have to be. It's good enough for what it is.

Here are 10 reasons why we liked this prequel/updating:

Mary Elizabeth Winstead- She's no MacReady, but come on man, she's way hotter than Kurt Russell, even with his epic 80's beard.

Joel Edgerton- Because he's awesome. If you haven't seen warrior yet, you should check it out asap. Great flick.

Eric Christian Olsen- Because he's funny as hell in Fired Up, and is awesome as Deeks on NCIS:LA. And am I the only one thinking that he would make a pretty good serial killer?

Mr. Eko- Because he was one of our favorite LOST characters, and because trying to spell his real name is way harder than just spelling Mr. Eko. So... Mr. Eko it is!

The FX- Because even though they were more computer-generated than practically applied, they were still pretty awesome.

This Thing- Because they way it turned it's head was creepy.

The Oral Sex Scene- Because anytime some Alien tries to ram its overpositor down someone's throat, it's a good thing.

This Thing- Because what in the hell is going on here!

Whatever This Is- Because it reminds us of Christmas, and makes us believe that Alien's love Christmas too.

The Scene After The Credits- Because it was just pure nostalgia love.

The Master Says- B+ This was a good addition to the Thing mythology and series; it's a great sci-fi creature flick, much like its 1982 inspiration was. The fact that it's a prequel really does make it that much easier to swallow. Hopefully this movie will inspire the younger generation to seek out the 1982 version, and watch them back to back. That really would be a pretty good double feature. Jesus, that just made me sound old.

Final Thoughts- Let's take a minute to admire Kurt Russel's Epic Beardness circa 1982; he looks like a sexy, bad ass Dan Haggerty, don't you think? Minus the bear, of course.

Quick review round-up

2011-11-22T03:35:00.000-05:00

*On DVD (UK) Now
For a movie made on a $5,000 (U.S.) budget, Blood Runs Cold is a masterpiece. We didn't particularly love it, but for having absolutely nothing to work with budget wise, these filmmakers deserve a pat on the back. This Swedish film is a slasher, through and through, though it's a clumsy slasher at best.

It's got some gore and nudity, which are the staples of any slasher movie. As far as plot, script, acting and everything else goes... the movie is obviously lacking in most departments. Keep in mind though, for a budget that was basically non-existent, it was quite an accomplishment. Can't say I'd recommend this one to anybody, but then again, I feel like I should because it deserves a little bit of love based on thriftiness alone.

The killer looks like the guy from the Fritt Vilt series. Just wanted to mention that in hopes of starting a Swede/Nord movie war of some sort.

The movie is a D, but we have to give it a C for being the best $5000 movie we've ever seen.

*On DVD in early 2012
Alyce is the story of two slutty bar whores, one of whom pushes the other off of a roof while high, and ends up going bat shit crazy from her guilt. For a movie that uses the phrase "delves into a brutal nightmare wonderland of sex, drugs and violence" in it's description, you'd think they'd have gone a bit further down the exploitation road with it. The only thing that gets crazy explicit was the violence, and that wasn't until the very end for the most part.

It's definitely a psych job of a movie, which turns into a torture porn kinda thing in the last 20 minutes or so. And let us just say that the ending does get plenty bloody and nasty. The problem is that the rest of the movie leading up to that point was slow and uneventful. Alyce turns to drugs to cope with her demons, but there's not a ton of sex. Maybe it's better to call the movie uneven as opposed to uneventful. There's plenty of drama to be had, it's just that nothing much "happens" until the end.

As a psychological drama, the movie works well. As a horror flick, it's middle of the road. C+

*On DVD Now
8213: Gacy House had its moments. It was creepy here and there, but it was such a stupid movie that in the end, the few moments of scary just kinda fell by the wayside. The fact that it was a hand held/POV flick is what hurt it the most, its characters acting in asinine ways simply to keep the POV going until the end of the movie so that there could be a movie at all.

It works as a comedy, albeit a tasteless one; the scene of gacy's ghosts pantsing a guy and dragging him down the hallway to get some gay-ghost rape was pretty funny. The dialogue was great too, with characters roaming around the house asking "Gacy... are you down here?", "Let us know your presence is here", "Are there any dead boys in that crawlspace?", "Dammit Gacy! How frank do I have to be with you!" It's comical.

Unless you're a hand held/found footage flick junkie, you should just skip this one altogether. You could also watch this if you like to laugh, and enjoy shitty movies.

The Walking Dead: a rant against the haters.

2011-11-21T13:24:00.007-05:00

*yes this is long, and we realize that blocks of text aren't very appealing. It's a rant though, so really, our love for pictures has to wait for now. We will resume our love for visual stimulation right after this...

We don't post about The Walking Dead much. There are 20 other horror sites out there that post about it daily, and most of them tend to post the same news snippets/reviews. No one needs us to do the same. (We make comments on our GetGlue account as we watch though, because that's fun.)

You're horror fans. You know it's on, and you watch it if you can. You either like it or you don't. There's not much we need to say on the matter.

Usually.

We're finally posting on cable TV's most watched (at one point) show though, because we're hearing a lot of internet talk that says the same thing; The Walking Dead is boring. As a horror fan, the fact that a weekly drama about zombies is on TV is an amazing thing. It's on a cable network which may limit visibility a bit, but it also allows for more freedom and mature content, which a zombie show definitely needs. And let's face it, most things that are worth a shit on TV these days are on basic or pay cable; the Networks have no clue what good programming is anymore.

AMC is one of the only networks out there churning out good shows on the reg. Mad Men, Breaking Bad alone are proof of that. They're TV at its finest. Add in Rubicon, The Killing, and Hell on Wheels (so far, let's see how it goes), and you have a pretty good track record for strong narrative, and well made hour-longs. Granted, not everyone likes these shows, but that does not take away the fact that they are well made and full of quality. Quality and preference are not the same thing, but that's a rant for another day.

The Walking Dead may be the best of the lot. It's not as good as Mad Men or Breaking Bad; let's be honest, those shows are on a level of their own, and don't have much company. TWD though does something that no other TV show has ever done, and that's bringing gory horror into millions of living rooms every week, and making people, average, non horror-geek people, give a shit. It's an amazing thing if you think about it. AMC showed considerable balls ever daring to even think about making an hour-long drama about Zombie Apocalypse, let alone putting it on Sunday Night for families to gather around the TV and enjoy. This is Rated-R stuff here. Sure, there's not much nudity involved but tone, language, and definitely the gore are all adult fare.

As the weeks go on, I see a lot of fellow geeks on other geek sites whining about how slow and boring TWD is, and I don't get it. I mean I get it, but I don't see how it's inspiring so much venom. It can't be zombies all of the time. It's a show about people surviving in the aftermath of Zombie Apocalypse. It has to be about more, and it has to show more than kill zombies, move on, kill zombies, move on.

I'd like you to go back in time to the late 70's/early 80's when zombie mania was pretty much at it's peak. Most people consider Dawn of the Dead to be the seminal zombie experience. It's hard to argue that, though we're more partial to Day than Dawn around these parts. Anywho, think back on the Romero flicks for a minute... Night was a gritty B&W shocker, that was really the first time American audiences were exposed to what we today know as true horror film making. Dawn upped the ante, nearly doubled in length, and delivered some classic moments. Day took the gore even further, and closed the "trilogy" out in grand fashion. All three of them had plenty of dialogue, slow moments, and stretches of no zombie action. Especially Day. Hell, there were parts of Dawn that were downright goofy and comical.

Romero wasn't making action flicks. He was all about the social commentary, and though he never skimped on the zombie killing goodness, his focus was always on the characters and their behavior. He was preaching to us about racism, classism, and the human element itself. His movies were hour and a half to two and a half hour commentaries, and he used character scenes as much as he did the gore to deliver his message. The 3 movies in the original Dead trilogy were 6 hours long combined (give or take, depending on version), and a lot of that running time was bloodless, actionless.

The Walking Dead has given us 12 episodes so far (2 at 66 minutes, the rest at 45), for somewhere around 600 minutes, which is roughly around 10 hours. A TV show like this is in it for the long play. Movies have a short window in which to dazzle. It stands to reason that TV shows are going to have more exposition and character building, because they have more time.

Granted, TWD has some annoying elements. Some characters whine to much, some do some stupid shit. But really, that's par for the horror course, isn't it? How many horror movies or shows do we watch and say "Why are they doing that?!? They need to..." That's usually how it goes. And maybe that's where the tension comes from, annoying or not.

As TV goes, aside from Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy this season, what TV shows move their plots ahead at breakneck speeds? The 2 shows I just mentioned are in their later seasons, have already established what they need to, and are closing in on their endings (to different extents), so yeah, they are giving us crazy plot development with each episode.

The Walking Dead is basically in its first season. It's true first season was more of a "Let's make it and see what happens" type of thing. AMC green lit 6 ep's, let Darabont go, and the show was a runaway hit. Now, in its second season, it's been given room to breathe. I don't think AMC expected it to be quite what it's become. Now that it has, they want to give it the treatment they think it deserves.

Most movies, and TV season, follow the same pattern; First reel, set up; second reel, building tension; and the third and final reel gives us the climax and resolution. Usually. Most good shit always happens in the third reel. Yes there are exceptions, but really, that's the formula most projects stick to.

TWD is following the comics that it's based on, and doing a pretty true job of it. It's a character piece with a zombie back drop. Yes, some of it is annoying, and there are some plot elements I wish they'd hurry along, but what would they be hurrying to? The point of it all is survival. The story, is in how they survive, and where they try to do it. It's about what happens to them in the wake of such cataclysm, and how they react to it. The world is turned on its ass, and our group of survivors are trying to find normalcy. You and I know that's a fools errand, but it is what it is.

Next week's episode is the last before the hiatus. TWD will be back in February for its third act. In February, the shit will hit the fan. Maybe the people whining about nothing happening in the show will get what they want and shut up, but most likely not.

For now, we've got Darryl and Glenn developing into characters we love, and changing pretty rapidly. Darryl is no longer the racist hick that were supposed to hate; he's kind of the bad ass anti-hero of the group, and the one all of us fans seem to love. Glenn isn't just the Asian whipping boy any more, he's becoming the ass-saver and the one people trust. They are examples of some great character development.

Shane is definitely someone we hate, and yet his Kubrick-esque turn last night (ep. Secrets) promises that we have some good shit yet to come from him. He's the conflict. He's going to keep people on their toes.

Rick... well, we like Rick, but he's a bit of a disillusioned whiner sometimes. He's the go-to, but he needs to start laying the smack down on the assholes of the group, starting with his wife.

Lori, Andrea and Dale are the bitches. Secrets, drama, pouting, agitation... they're doing more harm than good, and I guess any story needs characters like them, but good lord I wish they'd die. Then again, someone else annoying would just replace them.

Everything else is just kinda window dressing; they're there to motivate and compliment the main characters. They play their parts well.

It can't all be zombie panic, because in real life it wouldn't be. We need to see the group dynamic in the quiet hours, because it lets us in on what we have in store for us during the times of action. We need to be able to feel the characters, love or hate, and become invested in them. We need to be tense when someone we like it in danger, and we need to be impatient to see the ones we hate get taken down by zombies, or their fellow group members.

This isn't a Michael Bay vehicle, which exists to give tons of action to the simple minded of the world, at expense of everything else including story, plot and character development. You want bang, bang, boom!, go watch Transformers. This show (and comic) wasn't meant for you.

If you want a good (yet flawed) horror TV show about zombies, you've already got one. Sit back and enjoy it, and don't nitpick it to death, because no TV show can stand up to that kind of merciless scrutiny. and especially not one bout zombies.

The comic was about people. The TV show is the same thing. For all of its flaws, were getting some pretty good stuff here, and like anything else, it's going to have it's peaks and valleys.

Then again any journey has peaks and valleys along the way. Not all of them have zombies though. For that, the peaks and valleys must be endured.

While we're on the subject of sharks...

2011-11-18T13:50:00.003-05:00

There sure seem to be a lot of them (especially lately), and they all seem to suck. Still, you gotta love some of these titles...

We "Do Not Want" Shark Night 3D (2011)

2011-11-17T22:31:00.001-05:00

*On DVD Jan. 3rd, 2012
Let's just be honest about it; i you want a good killer fish movie, stick with the Piranha remake; at least it was bloody, sleazy, goofy fun, and delivered exactly what it needed to. Shark Night 3D was a PG-13 bore that was light on gore and flesh, and didn't deliver much of anything.

The opening scene showed promise...
Forget the fact that the plot is ridiculous, which it is: a bunch of rubes dump some sharks into a Louisiana lake and attach cameras to their heads, so that they can sell the footage to reality television, and become rich. Yeah. We could forget a sorry plot like that, if the movie gave us some good shark violence and some tittahs... but alas, it didn't.

Why are you in that cage, Sara Paxton? There's no air in there!
Katherine McPhee's massive sweater sharks are just begging to be unleashed, and Sara Paxton... well she's just a hottie in any form of undress. They couldn't have gone the gratuitous route of Piranha and showed some skin? Young Hollywood prudes baffle me. It took Meg Ryan until she was what, like 40 until she finally got naked? By that time, nobody cared. She should have dropped trau in When Harry Met Sally. Although that would have meant seeing Billy Crystal naked too, so maybe not. You get the point though.

You came from American Idol, you should feel lucky you're in anything... so make with the boobs already!
And the sharks... they were rather elusive for the most part, and what we do see of them was unimpressive. they inspired minimal tension, and how does that even happen in a movie about killer sharks? And how many times to we need to see a shark suddenly leap from the water and take someone out? Are they Bird-Sharks? This movie should have been far more menacing and way bloodier. It felt sanitized.

"Hey, I'm Gonna eat ya'll. Mmm, yummy, mmm."

The Master Says- This movie was a lamer. Slow, uneventful, and short on the goods, this PG-13 poop knuckle might entertain young kids, but anyone over 13 will most likely be left shaking their heads when all is said and done. You want a cool shark movie, go grab a copy of Deep Blue Sea. Say what you will about that movie, but it rocked in all the right places. Plus. I mean, Sam Jackson vs. sharks. How can that not be win?

At least Sara Paxton is yummy to look at...

5 good things about Shark Night 3D...

2011-11-17T22:30:00.001-05:00

Since there are so many movies that we poo-poo after enduring (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent from the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things.

So here are 5 things about Shark Night 3D that we liked (or at least didn't totally hate): Sara Paxton, Dat Ass, wet sluts in bikinis, the hot little tamale behind Sara Paxton, and the black guy spearing a shark to death because he's from the streets and that's "how it's done.") Good work, youngblood.

Guilty Pleasure- Why did we watch Satan's Little Helper (2004)?

2011-11-17T08:45:00.001-05:00

*On DVD Now
That's a pretty good question. By the title and cover art alone, we had to know we were in for a crap-fest of epic proportions, but still, we couldn't resist... and we're glad we didn't. As bad of a movie as this is, it was equally as fun. I can't believe I'm saying it either, but we actually got some sort of pleasure out of this little flick.

Satan's Little Helper is the story of a kid named Dougie; a video game junkie whom might be mentally handicapped and or a complete moron. Moron is most likely closer to what he is, but I'm sticking with 'tarded. His favorite game is "Satan's Little Helper", which makes him a little bit creepy too.

While running running around in his little Satan costume on Halloween, Dougie meets a creepy guy in another Satan costume, and they start to pal around. Big Satan is really a Serial Killer in a costume, but Dougie thinks he's really Satan from his favorite game, and so becomes his "Little Helper." What does he help with? Random murder of course. It's a cute little movie for kids, no?

Let's not leave out the most important plot point of the movie; Dougie has a smoking hot older sister, who seems to be a little bit slutty. She let's Satan feel her up and make out with her, and seems to "want it" and awful lot. We support this. It's all tricks and treats so far, but once Satan decides to kill Dougie's family though, the fun really begins...

This is a movie that really should have made us cringe, but instead made us laugh and feel a ton of shame because we were actually enjoying it. It's goofy, sure, but it's meant to be so. Pure fun, nothing more. It's fun, fairly amusing, a bit bloody, filled with Winnick hotness, and doesn't take itself too seriously.

Let's use some pictures to illustrate what we loved about this movie:

This little mongoloid.
What Satan does with this cat.
How Satan is such a ham!
Slutty little Katheryne Winnick.
Katheryn Winnick's Boobage.
These guys, because WTH?
Yeah, she gets a mention again, because she really made this movie.
As you can see, Katheryn Winnick was a big reason that we liked this movie. Not only is she hot, but she has some rockin' boobs, is hot, and her character is a hot slutty chick with rockin' boobs. She's also a decent actress, which is really ice on the slutty cake.

The Master Says- If you're looking for a bit of shameless, goofy horror fun, you may just like this one. I think the reason we liked it so much, was it washed our palate clean; we see a lot of bloody, brutal, and disturbing movies around these parts, so once in a while it's nice to take in the light stuff. Also, did we mention the hotness of Katheryn Winnick's Boobs?

11-11-11 (2011)

2011-11-13T21:46:00.001-05:00

*In Theaters Now
Earlier this year, Director Darren Lynn Bousman gave us his remake of Mother's Day, which was a great film in many ways. He knocked that movie right out of the park. With 11-11-11 though, we're not really sure what the hell happened, because in many ways it didn't even leave the infield.

The story revolves around a famous writer whom is suffering greatly from the death of his wife and kid, so he heads to Barcelona to visit his ailing Dad, whom he pretty much hates. His wheelchair-bound brother loves Jesus, and he has a sexy, sexy stalker, who really should have been under some sort of suspicion since the beginning, despite her sexy hotness. So, we're off to a great, sensible start.

They dead.
The number 11 keeps showing up in our hero's life, and it's obviously pointing towards some cataclysmic event that's coming, but what is it? Is it like the Mayan calendar? By all of the spooky dreams, and random demons standing around in the shadows and looking ominous, we're guessing it involves demons. The kind that stand around and look ominous...

Kinda cool, but make it do something!
11-11-11 started out pretty strong; giving us some interesting stuff to chew on and anticipate. Right off the bat we weren't thrilled with the acting, but we figured it was passable, especially if the story was heading somewhere interesting, which it felt like it was. Unfortunately, the first two thirds of the movie were rather slow moving an uneventful, and were spent letting us know how faithless or hero was, and how much his crippled brother loved Jesus. Over and over again.

Yes, yes, you have no faith. We get it.
As slow and plodding as things were, the real crime was that nothing was particularly creepy or captivating about any of it. There were too many subtle things that happened that were supposed to spook us out, but just didn't. Couldn't might be a better word. Worst of all, the plot gets way over complicated and has no action to counter balance it. There's really no forward progress with the plot, and a bad narrative will kill a story every time.

Things were so slow in this movie for so long, by the time the action kicks in towards the end, it felt a bit rushed and confused. I mean, after getting shot, you're still running around all half cocked, trying to do everything but stop your wound from bleeding so maybe you don't die?

Up in flames... now that's fitting.
It felt like "Gotta save my brother!" was the only thing running through our hero's head at all once things began to unravel, and we get why he'd be so adamant about saving his only living loved one, but the results of that sentiment came off as comical. The wheelchair bound brother exclaims "I'm not leaving without my books!", which prompts the hero brother to run through the house with an armload of books, dodging demons and fighting for his life. With an arm load of books. The whole time. It was kinda goofy. And really, wouldn't you just roll his ass out of the house and be done with it? Come on.

We will say that the movie had a nice look to it, and in that aspect, Bousman did a great job.

Yes, we feel the same way.

The Master Says- D This is a messy, bland, and utterly confused movie that had a few good parts, but failed a s a whole. You should skip this one and stick with Bousman's far superior Mother's Day remake; it was truly under the radar and definitely worthy of any horror fan's time. 11-11-11 however, was just underwhelming and bland.

Final Thoughts- Wendy Glenn is in this.

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)

2011-11-10T21:25:00.004-05:00

*On DVD Now
What's it About?- The latest installment in the "All West Virginian's are creepy, inbred hillbillies" series takes us back to yesteryear, when our favorite mongoloid killers were younger and carefree. We find out that in 1974, Three-Finger, One-Eye and Saw-Tooth were locked up in the retard ward of a local Sanatorium, and were treated like monsters, mainly because they were monsters. They got their revenge though; tey pretty much kill everyone in the hospital, all slow and messy like.

Who's the retarded monster now, eh Doc?
Flashing forward to present day at some random college, we are treated to an orgy, which is promptly broken up by the movie's snotty bitch prude of a final girl, because she and her gang of all-attractive college friends are heading out on a snowmobile trip into the W. Virginia hills. You knew that had to happen. Of course they get lost, and after night sets in, the blizzard begins. Luckily for them they find an old abandoned Sanatorium to hole up in for the night... it's the same Sanatorium, see?

By all means, explore. That's usually when the killing starts.
And from here on out it's stalk and slash, hillbilly style. People are cut, chopped, sliced, flambeed, hung, decapitated, drill, peeled and eaten... there's no limit to the carnage! Will anyone survive the mutant onslaught? Will a black chick finally get to be a final girl? Will there be a Wrong Turn 5? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, but we will say that the movie is titled "Bloody Beginnings" and not "Happy Endings."

Stop daydreaming and run!
The Good- Usually when you get to a "part 4" in a movie series, you kinda expect shit, and tend to get shit. (F13th- The Final Chapter doesn't count, because it was awesome.) Wrong Turn though, is an odd series; these movies may not be the pinnacle of film making (even horror film making), but damn us all to hell if they don't deliver the goods.

As you can tell by the title, Wrong Turn 4 is a prequel. Now, in a series in which blood and gore is the draw, who cares about story, right? Right. Still, if you ever wanted to know where the mongoloid mountain cannibal men of the first 3 flicks came from, here's your chance.

The acting and visuals are all above board here, but it's the gore that takes center stage and makes this one truly fun. Also, lots of hot chicks. It's just pleasing all the way around.

This is why girls on their period are NOT invited to orgies...
The Bad- Why in these types of movies are there never groups of fat, ugly, handicapped college friends that go on trips to isolated locales and die painfully, one by one? I mean, I prefer to stare at hot people for 90 minutes as opposed to ugly folk, but the ugly ones deserve to die too, don't they? Some would argue that ugly people deserve to die more than pretty people do. Like maybe have a really hot serial killer offing ugly people because they are so far beneath her, or like ugly people raped her dad or something... it's be different at least.

The Downright Horrendous- Why does there always have to be one snotty bitch in every group of partiers? You know the one; the prude that gives dirty looks and makes shitty comments to anyone not doing what she thinks they should. Good girls with party-killing attitudes should just stay home and stop spoiling all of the bad kids fun. Even if they're hot. The one in this movie is really hot, but seriously, we wanted her to die first.

The Gory- The first 11 minutes of this movie is basically a gang bang of gore and explicit violence. Sound good? Well the rest of the movie gets even bloodier. This honestly may be the goriest flick we've seen all year. Of particular note is the long, take-your-time-with-it scene where the cannibals flay someone alive, and make fondue out of their skin, and eat them as if it were a dinner party. Seriously, this movie is packed with nastiness.

Awesomeness.
The Naked- The second scene in the movie is a gang bang. Literally. 3 chicks, 1 dude. It's not often that you see a Black chick and an Asian chick in a pretty lengthy box eating scene, so hats off to the film makers for being so diverse in their gratuitous and stereotypical exploitation of lesbianism! Seriously, we dig it. We also get some other sex and nudity throughout the rest of the movie, but the bulk of it is at the beginning. Good stuff.

Best Scene- So many to choose from, but for us it would have to be the scene in which the hot blonde gets roped around her neck with a barbed wire lasso, and proceeds to dump 50 gallons of blood on her screaming boyfriend before losing her head. That was some good shit.

This is why we do not back up in scary situations.
What did we learn?- Never snowmobile in the dark while in West Virginia. Also, all hillbilly's are sadistic killers... and mongoloids.

The Master Says- B+ Not bad, 4th installment in a direct to DVD torture porn series, not bad at all. Tits, ass and gallons of blood; Wrong Turn 4 delivers the goods that any movie of its kind needs to, and for that it's a winner. It's actually not a bad movie either, aside from all of the exploitation. If you loved its predecessors, you'll love this one too. Even if you didn't, it's bloody good fun.

Final Thoughts- This movie was a veritable buffet of poon, and all of it was of the quality variety. Follow the flying heads to the post below...

Follow us...

The Hotties of Wrong Turn 4...

2011-11-10T21:07:00.011-05:00

Ok, we're here. Enjoy the chicks...

Saturday Night double feature...

2011-11-06T21:50:00.001-05:00

A mostly uneventful Hand Held/Found Footage flick that was decent enough, but didn't really pack much of a punch or many scares.

Episode 50 is the story of a reality TV crew who runs around to haunted locations, to debunk the alleged haunting of said locations. Their newest episode (#50 fyi), involves a local asylum that is supposedly the gateway to hell. The reclusive owner has granted Jack and his team exclusive access to his asylum, and so they head off to debunk and conquer...

Sadly, there's not much about this movie that's likable or scary. It's supposed to be a found footage flick, an yet we have a musical score that plays throughout. We get plenty of flashes of ghosts and specters, but they aren't used to much of a good effect, and really never amount to anything beyond a jump scare or two. The acting is poor across the board, which never allows us to get into or care about the characters. And of course, the characters do nonsensical and unrealistic things in the face of such presumed danger, which really just frustrates us as viewers, and kills almost all of the believability... which is basically the cornerstone of any found footage flick, no?

The CGI demon thing at the end was pretty bad too.

This movie tried way to hard to be engrossing and multi layered, when it should have just gone the minimalistic route. It would have actually worked then.

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I'm not sure what Ray Liotta is doing with his career lately, but this movie is nothing he should have ever starred in. Field of Dreams, Goodfellas, Unlawful Entry, No Escape, Copland, Narc... the guy has been amazing in some great movies... And now he's not only in this shitty movie, but but he really sucked in his role.

The River Murders is another story about a cop trying to solve some murders and bring a serial killer to justice, so nothing really new here plot wise. This is definitely one of our favorite sub-genres, so we're fine giving some slack to movies of this kind, because some of them suck, but still have redeeming qualities. Nothing redeeming here though. It was flaccid.

This movie is not only dull and messy, but it contains some of the worst acting we've seen this year. Sorry Ray, we really do love you, but this one was a swing and a miss for you. Everything about his role and performance was just off here. And Gisele Fraga... well she was just downright painful to watch. Not trying to be mean here, but it was tough to stomach her Broken-English overacting.

And while we're at it, what's up with Ving Rhames? That man is Marcellus Wallace for Christ's sake, and he can't get better roles than this? Shame on you, Hollywood casting directors.

If anything about this movie was redeemable at all, it was Christian Slater; it was kinda fun watching him play a complete asshole. Aside from that...

Evil Things (2009/2011)

2011-11-05T22:57:00.000-04:00

*On DVD now
Evil Things is the story about a group of film students who head into the deep, snowy woods to make a documentary about students getting away for a weekend in the deep snowy woods. Groundbreaking stuff, I know. Then again, film students can be pretentious. You know I'm right, Film Students, so just take the feedback and move on...

The icy road of pretentious death.
Anywho, the gang of future commercial directors find themselves being followed and toyed with by a creepy rape-van on the way to their vacation home. No one calls the police of course, because then there would be no movie. Arriving at the house after a fairly strenuous drive, the friends settle in and all is well... until they decide to hike through the woods, get lost, and nearly freeze to death finding their way back to the house in the dark. All the while, creepy noises persist.

Maybe he just wants to party?
Once back in the house, all is well until the creepy phone calls begin! Still, no one calls the cops. After a few creepy calls in a row, someone knocks at the front door, and leaves them a present; a videotape of them from the start of their trip until now. Needless to say, shit gets crazy from here on out. Also, the cops are still not notified of the ongoing shenanigans.

Before I say anything nice about this movie, and I'm going to, let's get this out of the way; this movie is in many ways your typical "group of kids in the woods/everyone does the dumbest shit in the world" type of horror flick. It gets annoying in parts, but that's how it goes in this genre. That being said, for a cheap Found Footage/POV flick, Evil Things manages to do a lot of things right.

This movie was genuinely creepy. It had down time, stretches of inactivity if you will, but for the most part all of it added to the atmosphere more than detracted from it. The characters seemed like real people, thanks to an admirable job done by the cast. Some of them annoyed us a bit, and did some utterly stupid shit, but we still liked them, and above all, they felt real.

Why do Jewish girl's always get shafted on their Birthday? Oy!
There were a few issues with the movie, which seem present in most horror movies these days, but still deserve mention: When someone threatening is creeping around outside of your house in the dark, why are all of the lights still on, and why are you standing in front of the windows? When trying to hide in the dark, why are you using flashlights and the camera light, when it does nothing but gives you away? And the worst part of the Hand Held/POV genre... under such crazy intense situations, and we're talking life and death here, who would honestly film everything? That will never sit completely right with us, but we get it and can accept it, as long as the movie is good.

Also, no one called the cops.

Should have stayed behind the couch, dummy.

The Master Says- C+ For what it is, and despite the annoying trappings of the Found Footage sub-genre, Evil Things is a good little movie. Creepy and effective, we found ourselves biting our proverbial nails more than once during this one. If you're down with atmospheric horror movies that get under your skin and skeeve you out, this one's for you.

Final Thoughts- Laurel Casillo is a sexy thing.

Vlog (2011)

2011-11-04T02:18:00.001-04:00

*On DVD Now
The internet is full of people who think that they're clever, interesting, funny, witty, or "whatever" enough, that masses of complete strangers will flock to their blogs/websites/Twitter feeds to hear their snappy witticisms or keen advice. Because everyone's life is some unique and interesting, you know? *And before anyone says it, yes, we are in that group of people, but we are very keen and witty, and also clever. People deserve to hear our words, because they are pretty much awesome. We're giving you a gift, people. Don't be ungrateful.

Let's be honest about it though; tits and ass keep the internet alive. Porn is the lifeblood that keeps the heart of the interwebs going, and like it or not, there's no bigger commodity in cyberspace. And really, porn is infinitely better than suffering some self-important asshole's rants and raves, isn't it?

Anywho, Vlog is about just that; a hot, slutty, bitchy, asshole of a chick, who films her life because she's so sick of other people doing it and getting attention that they don't deserve, when she's so awesome and not getting any herself. She cuts people down, makes fun of the ex she just dumped, secretly tapes people and then rips on them later. She's a gem of a girl.

Suddenly, I forget why I hate her...
She hooks up with some geek at a bar, has a fight with her sworn enemy, trys to seduce another guy who cares more about his schoolwork than her, tapes all of it and then rips them to shreds afterwards, for the sake of keeping it real for her adoring fans. Problem is, one of her fans is an internet creeper who decides to kill those that she so carelessly used, and upload them to his own Vlog, for her enjoyment. Then, he sets his sights on her...

Tits or GTFO, no one wants to hear you talk!
Vlog is a combination of the Torture Porn and First Person/POV genres, the latter of which is becoming increasingly popular in horror films these days. It's a decent enough movie, especially if you like some very graphic and extreme violence, though it's short on suspense and frights. And for a movie starring an internet soft core porn girl, there sure wasn't much skin on display. We get that Brooke Marks is one of those teasers who covers the vital parts and shows enough to be quasi-naughty, but come on, what is the point in that? Showing nipples for 10 seconds on film is somehow going to ruin your self esteem or kill your self respect? It's like a hooker that wont have sex; maybe don't be a hooker anymore.

No, no, no, this is all you get. Pay me.
I guess the big thing about Vlog is if you don't want to sit and watch an annoying girl talk into a camera for the better part of a movie's running time, this might not be for you. It all hinges on the character of Brooke Marks, who is played by the actress Brooke Marks, and this is where the movie falls short. The character is shallow and vapid and has no regard for anyone other than herself, and by the time we reached the 30 minute mark or so in the movie, we were really praying that she died painfully. The actress herself was alright, but she never felt natural in her role. She over did pretty much every facial expression and mannerism and it felt like she was an actress playing a real person, instead of being a real person. It felt a bit forced. I guess if her aim was to mimic the multitude of morons that act exactly like that every day in their online lives, the ones that demonstrate everything that is wrong with the internet, then she rocked.

Her tits were fantastic though.

"They are fantastic, but you'll never see them rofllmao!"
There's also a twist at the end which... is what it is, I suppose. I wont spoil it, because I'm sure lots of people will rent this movie or maybe catch it on cable, but it only served to amplify the things about the movie that frustrated us to begin with. I get it though. Meh.

The Master Says- C Vlog is a decent enough movie, though we found ourselves annoyed by the whole thing far more than we should have. Its saving grace is the gore, which was plentiful and very nasty. Brooke Marks was nice to look at, though it makes little sense to us that someone who makes a living off of her body and sells her sex appeal just refuses to get naked. They're just boobs honey, and really, they're your strong suit, so lead with them.