February 14, 2012
Who doesn't love commercial holidays that exist just to guilt consumers into spending crazy amounts of money out of a sense of forced obligation, or in the hopes of getting some ass at the end of the night? Well love it or not, what might be the most polarizing day of the year has arrived. Some love the sappy sweetness of it all while others revile it for forcing them to conform.
We here at THC are lovers, so were fine with V-day, although we do have our own special way of celebrating all things love and sex. It doesn't involve candy or flowers. It invlves blood, sex and death; the three cornerstones of life. *That's a scientific fact.
Forget the chick flicks; here's what you need to be watching with you're sweetie.
It may seem obligatory, and that's because it is. There aren't many horror flicks with actual Valentine themes running through them, so you have to start with this one. It's like A Christmas Story for V-Day.
The whole thing is about Harry Warden and his heartbreak, and how he copes with the lack of love in his life.
It's a good old school slasher that celebrates love. You can't go wrong. If you watch this though, be warned; only the newest DVD version has all of the kill scenes intact. Watch an older version, and you will be cheated.
Guess what the original MBV didn't have that this remake does? A nearly 3 minute long, full frontal nude scene in 3D, involving a hot blond (the incomparable Betsy Rue) having sex and running. In 3D. Fully naked.
Yeah, that is the stuff that dreams are made of. 3D dreams.
The rest of the movie is basically the same as the first, just this time around the heartbreak of Harry Warden is in 3D... and not as good. Still, it's a fun flick.
This is a glossy, by the numbers slasher flick that isn't as bad as you might think. Everyone in it is pretty, there's some good gore, and it involves Valentines Day. And bloody candy.
It's fun enough if you can stomach watching David Boreanz try to act for 90 minutes or so. It really could have used some more nakedness though.
Audition is a tender story that illustrates why it's a bad idea to bang a chick and then kick her to the curb.
The final act of Audition is especially moving, when the troubled couple tries to work through their problems and make love last. "Kiri, Kiri, Kiri!"
This movie is one of the best horror comedies ever, and one of our favorite zombie flicks to boot. It's filled with sex and zombies, and has Anna Falci more naked than she really needed to be. We aren't complaining of course, because it all serves the plot. The sweet, romantic plot.
Even creepy little Gnaghi falls in love with a hot chick's zombie head.
This movie is just filled with love.
It really is a sweet story. Sure, it may be overtly bloody and violent, but that's all a metaphor, isn't it? A metaphor for the trials and tribulations one must endure to find the love that they need.
Oh, and how odd; it's centered around another bat-shit-crazy woman... see ladies, we told you so. Ha!
So there you have it; a 6 awesome flicks that uphold the sacred spirit of Valentine's Day, and really say more about love than your average Hallmark commercial ever could.
And dont despair, we've got more Valentine's Day goodies up our proverbial sleeves... or maybe they're up our pant legs. Wink, wink. Heh.
Just stay tuned...