November 30, 2011

Little Deaths (2011)
Hobo Rape. Nazi-gimp sperm milking. Dog domination. These are the main ingredients in Little Deaths; a crazy, demented little movie made up of 3 vignettes, all about the Horrors of relationships. I swear, the fucking British are always on about something that manages to creep me out.

"House and Home" is the first story of the three, and involves a rich couple who love Jesus, and so they love to spend their time doing good deeds. They also love to invite homeless people to their crib, drug them, and then take turns raping them, because who in their right mind doesn't love to rape homeless people? The wife is a snooty bitch and her hubby is a simpering puss-bag, so right off the bat you can see who's in control... I'm pretty sure it's her he wants to rape and kill, because she really deserves it. But, let's take out our anger on some poor destitute homeless chick instead...

Which brings us to Sorrow; the hot homeless chick with a very foreboding name. Right off the bat you should know that raping "sorrow" cant be the best of ideas. It's like trying to stab "hate," or bitch slap "rage." Nothing good can come of it.

And of course, nothing does. Nudity, bondage, rape, face-pissing and blood ensues. Lots of blood.

Cheeky bitch.
Freaky bitch.
Things get way crazier in the second story, "Mutant Tool." It's the story of an ex-hooker who is trying to fight the urge to keep banging random strangers, yet keeps banging random strangers anyhow; and a Nazi-era gimp with the largest peener I've ever seen, who is kept chained up so that he can be milked for his mutant load, which is then turned into a pill which enables people to have some sort of ESP high... I think. None of that is exaggeration. In fact, I'm holding back on some of it, to avoid crazy spoilers.

Seriously, this gimp is rocking the joint of a large Rhino here, and it's kinda scary. Being fed pureed human organs doesn't make things any less creepy, and seeing the chick take these crazy sperm pills and have a psychic link to the gimp while pissing blood doesn't help either. This is definitely Cronenberg territory.

It's hard to properly break this story down without using about 5,000 more words, so let's just leave it at this; it's trippy, creepy, and gross. Also, it might be best to watch this on some sort of hallucinogen. We're not condoning drug use, but it's true.

Biggest man-hammer ever.
Yeah. That's exactly what you think it is.
The last segment's title, "Bitch," has a double meaning; on one hand, it refers to the girlfriend of the story, because she's a raging bitch; on the other, it refers to her boyfriend, because he's a spineless man-bitch. Then again, it also refers to dogs, which can be bitches too, so really it has multiple meanings.

Bitch is the most twisted of the three stories, in a way, because it's one that is real, and you know things like this just have to go on in daily life with many couples. She's the Dom, he's the Sub, and he loves when she humiliates him, bangs him in his brown balloon knot with a strap-on, bangs other people and makes him watch, makes him walk around on all fours like a dog... which she's profoundly terrified of.

After a while he grows tired of his bitch treating him like a bitch, and since he's not one to bitch, he gathers up a bunch of bitches, ties her up despite her bitching... and we've said too much already. Suffice it to say that every bitch eventually bites back when beaten enough, and sometimes they travel in packs. Bitch. Just wanted to say that one more time.

Walk in, see this... what do?
Do this.
Little Deaths is a very visual & visceral movie, which primarily uses sexual dysfunction and overt violence tell its story. It's not all exploitation though; it's also interesting to see the reds, greens, blues and different hues on display here. The movie is artsy, without feeling too pretentious or overly self-important. It's obvious the 3 directors wanted to shock and maybe even make a small statement with their vignettes, but they also wanted it to be interesting and different. Maybe that's why the movie works.

All three segments were enjoyable in their own way, and for different reasons, but if we had to pick one as our favorite, it would have to be Mutant Tool. It was definitely the most "out there" and it was about an abnormally ginormous dick... how can you not love that?

*Disclaimer: we do not, as a general rule, "love" dick. We prefer boobs. Although one of us, who is a girl, likes dick and boobs, but that's neither here nor there. Thank you.

Don't rape homeless people. Don't be a hooker. Don't do drugs. Also, be nice to bitches.

This was a different, fun, disturbing, sexually-charged look at sexual dysfunction and it's end results. Nudity, sex, blood and gore are the stars here, but there's also a big psychological component that drives the movie and its stories forward.

If you like it disturbing and mentally challenging, then you should grab a copy of this and give it a go... then again, you'll probably like it if you enjoy large wangs and bestiality too. And piss. An buckets of sperm.


Since there's a Pitbull in this movie, we thought we'd take a second to show some love to one of the best breeds of dogs in the world. Don't believe the hype; Pits are sweet, loving, amazing dogs, unless raised or mistreated by cocksuckers. Then again, that rule tends to go for humans as well.

November 27, 2011

10 reasons why The Thing (2011) didn't suck like we thought it would...

The main reason that this movie works so well for us is because instead of being a remake or sequel, it ended up being a prequel.

Sure, John Carpenter's 1982 classic was itself a remake, but it was, and still is to this day, a superb Horror movie. When we heard that it was getting the redux treatment, we cringed and wished death on whomever came up with the awful idea of messing with such an absolute classic... Having seen it though, under protest, we have to admit that we were wrong, and that the 2011 Thing was a pretty damned good movie.

It bears similarities to the 1982 version, as well as having some very Alien-esque moments as well, but it's not entirely fair to call this a new version, is it? It is in fact a prequel, so really, it's its own entity. Even if it had been a direct remake, we'd be hard pressed to hate it. If you liked Carpenter's 1982's opus, there's really no reason you shouldn't enjoy the hell out of this one too. It's not as good of a film, but it doesn't have to be. It's good enough for what it is.

Here are 10 reasons why we liked this prequel:

Mary Elizabeth Winstead- She's no MacReady, but come on man, she's way hotter than Kurt Russell, even with his epic 80's beard.
Joel Edgerton- Because he's awesome. If you haven't seen Warrior yet, you should check it out asap. Great flick.
Eric Christian Olsen- Because he's funny as hell in Fired Up, and is awesome as Deeks on NCIS:LA. And am I the only one thinking that he would make a pretty good serial killer?
Mr. Eko- Because he was one of our favorite L O S T characters, and because trying to spell his real name is way harder than just spelling Mr. Eko. So... Mr. Eko it is!
The FX- Because even though they were more computer-generated than practically applied, they were still pretty awesome.
This Thing- Because the way it turned it's head was creepy.
The Oral Sex Scene- Because anytime some Alien tries to ram its overpositor down someones throat, it's a good thing.
This Thing- Because what in the hell is going on here!
Whatever This Is- Because it reminds us of Christmas, and makes us believe that Alien's love Christmas too.
The Scene After The Credits- Because it was just pure nostalgia love.
This was a good addition to The Thing mythology and series; it's a great Sci-Fi creature flick, much like its 1982 inspiration was, and the fact that it's a prequel really does make it that much easier to swallow. Hopefully this movie will inspire the younger generation to seek out the 1982 version, and watch both of these flicks back to back. That really would be a pretty good double-feature. Jesus, that just made me sound old.


Let's take a minute to admire Kurt Russel's Epic Beardness circa 1982; he looks like a sexy, bad-ass Dan Haggerty, don't you think? Minus the bear, of course. 

November 22, 2011

Quick review round-up

For a movie made on a $5,000 (U.S.) budget, Blood Runs Cold is a masterpiece. We didn't particularly love it, but for having absolutely nothing to work with budget wise, these filmmakers deserve a pat on the back.

This Swedish film is a slasher, through and through, though it's a clumsy slasher at best. It's at least got some gore and nudity, which are the staples of any good slasher movie. As far as plot, script, acting and everything else goes... the movie is obviously lacking in most departments.

Keep in mind though, for a budget that was basically non-existent, what they did here is quite an accomplishment. I can't say I'd recommend this one to anybody, but then again, I feel like I should because it deserves a little bit of love based on thriftiness alone.

Also, the killer looks like the guy from the Fritt Vilt series. Just wanted to mention that in hopes of starting a Swede/Nord movie war of some sort.

The movie is truly in the D range, but we have to give it a C for being the best $5000 movie we've ever seen.

Alyce is the story of two slutty bar whores, one of whom pushes the other off of a roof while high, and ends up going bat-shit crazy from her guilt.

For a movie that uses the phrase "delves into a brutal nightmare wonderland of sex, drugs and violence" in it's description, you'd think they'd have gone a bit further down the exploitation road with it. The only thing that gets crazy explicit was the violence, and that wasn't until the very end for the most part.

It's definitely a psych-job of a movie, which turns into a Torture Porn kinda thing in the last 20 minutes or so... and let us just say that the ending does get plenty bloody and nasty.

The problem is that the rest of the movie leading up to that point was slow and uneventful. Alyce turns to drugs to cope with her demons, but there's not a ton of sex. Maybe it's better to call the movie uneven as opposed to uneventful. There's plenty of drama to be had, it's just that nothing much "happens" until the end.

As a psychological drama, the movie works well. As a Horror flick, it's middle of the road.


8213: Gacy House had its moments. It was creepy here and there, but it was such a stupid movie that in the end, the few moments of scary were easily forgotten.

The fact that it was a Found Footage/POV flick is what hurt it the most, with its characters acting in asinine ways simply to keep the POV going until the end of the movie, so that there could be a movie at all.

It works as a comedy, albeit a tasteless one; the scene of Gacy's ghost pantsing a guy and dragging him down the hallway to get some gay-ghost rape was pretty funny.

The dialogue was great too, with characters roaming around the house asking "Gacy... are you down here?", "Let us know your presence is here", "Are there any dead boys in that crawlspace?", "Dammit Gacy! How frank do I have to be with you!"

It's comical. Almost sadly so.

Unless you're a Hand Held/Found Footage flick junkie, you should just skip this one altogether, although you could go ahead and watch this if you like to laugh at really shitty movies.

November 21, 2011

The Walking Dead: a rant against the haters.

*yes this is long, and we realize that blocks of text aren't very appealing. It's a rant though, so really, our love for pictures has to wait for now. We will resume our love for visual stimulation right after this... We don't post about The Walking Dead much. There are 20 other horror sites out there that post about it daily, and most of them tend to post the same news snippets/reviews. No one needs us to do the same. (We make comments on our GetGlue account as we watch though, because that's fun.) You're horror fans. You know it's on, and you watch it if you can. You either like it or you don't. There's not much we need to say on the matter. Usually. We're finally posting on cable TV's most watched (at one point) show though, because we're hearing a lot of internet talk that says the same thing; The Walking Dead is boring. As a horror fan, the fact that a weekly drama about zombies is on TV is an amazing thing. It's on a cable network which may limit visibility a bit, but it also allows for more freedom and mature content, which a zombie show definitely needs. And let's face it, most things that are worth a shit on TV these days are on basic or pay cable; the Networks have no clue what good programming is anymore. AMC is one of the only networks out there churning out good shows on the reg. Mad Men, Breaking Bad alone are proof of that. They're TV at its finest. Add in Rubicon, The Killing, and Hell on Wheels (so far, let's see how it goes), and you have a pretty good track record for strong narrative, and well made hour-longs. Granted, not everyone likes these shows, but that does not take away the fact that they are well made and full of quality. Quality and preference are not the same thing, but that's a rant for another day. The Walking Dead may be the best of the lot. It's not as good as Mad Men or Breaking Bad; let's be honest, those shows are on a level of their own, and don't have much company. TWD though does something that no other TV show has ever done, and that's bringing gory horror into millions of living rooms every week, and making people, average, non horror-geek people, give a shit. It's an amazing thing if you think about it. AMC showed considerable balls ever daring to even think about making an hour-long drama about Zombie Apocalypse, let alone putting it on Sunday Night for families to gather around the TV and enjoy. This is Rated-R stuff here. Sure, there's not much nudity involved but tone, language, and definitely the gore are all adult fare. As the weeks go on, I see a lot of fellow geeks on other geek sites whining about how slow and boring TWD is, and I don't get it. I mean I get it, but I don't see how it's inspiring so much venom. It can't be zombies all of the time. It's a show about people surviving in the aftermath of Zombie Apocalypse. It has to be about more, and it has to show more than kill zombies, move on, kill zombies, move on. I'd like you to go back in time to the late 70's/early 80's when zombie mania was pretty much at it's peak. Most people consider Dawn of the Dead to be the seminal zombie experience. It's hard to argue that, though we're more partial to Day than Dawn around these parts. Anywho, think back on the Romero flicks for a minute... Night was a gritty B&W shocker, that was really the first time American audiences were exposed to what we today know as true horror film making. Dawn upped the ante, nearly doubled in length, and delivered some classic moments. Day took the gore even further, and closed the "trilogy" out in grand fashion. All three of them had plenty of dialogue, slow moments, and stretches of no zombie action. Especially Day. Hell, there were parts of Dawn that were downright goofy and comical. Romero wasn't making action flicks. He was all about the social commentary, and though he never skimped on the zombie killing goodness, his focus was always on the characters and their behavior. He was preaching to us about racism, classism, and the human element itself. His movies were hour and a half to two and a half hour commentaries, and he used character scenes as much as he did the gore to deliver his message. The 3 movies in the original Dead trilogy were 6 hours long combined (give or take, depending on version), and a lot of that running time was bloodless, actionless. The Walking Dead has given us 12 episodes so far (2 at 66 minutes, the rest at 45), for somewhere around 600 minutes, which is roughly around 10 hours. A TV show like this is in it for the long play. Movies have a short window in which to dazzle. It stands to reason that TV shows are going to have more exposition and character building, because they have more time. Granted, TWD has some annoying elements. Some characters whine to much, some do some stupid shit. But really, that's par for the horror course, isn't it? How many horror movies or shows do we watch and say "Why are they doing that?!? They need to..." That's usually how it goes. And maybe that's where the tension comes from, annoying or not. As TV goes, aside from Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy this season, what TV shows move their plots ahead at breakneck speeds? The 2 shows I just mentioned are in their later seasons, have already established what they need to, and are closing in on their endings (to different extents), so yeah, they are giving us crazy plot development with each episode. The Walking Dead is basically in its first season. It's true first season was more of a "Let's make it and see what happens" type of thing. AMC green lit 6 ep's, let Darabont go, and the show was a runaway hit. Now, in its second season, it's been given room to breathe. I don't think AMC expected it to be quite what it's become. Now that it has, they want to give it the treatment they think it deserves. Most movies, and TV season, follow the same pattern; First reel, set up; second reel, building tension; and the third and final reel gives us the climax and resolution. Usually. Most good shit always happens in the third reel. Yes there are exceptions, but really, that's the formula most projects stick to. TWD is following the comics that it's based on, and doing a pretty true job of it. It's a character piece with a zombie back drop. Yes, some of it is annoying, and there are some plot elements I wish they'd hurry along, but what would they be hurrying to? The point of it all is survival. The story, is in how they survive, and where they try to do it. It's about what happens to them in the wake of such cataclysm, and how they react to it. The world is turned on its ass, and our group of survivors are trying to find normalcy. You and I know that's a fools errand, but it is what it is. Next week's episode is the last before the hiatus. TWD will be back in February for its third act. In February, the shit will hit the fan. Maybe the people whining about nothing happening in the show will get what they want and shut up, but most likely not. For now, we've got Darryl and Glenn developing into characters we love, and changing pretty rapidly. Darryl is no longer the racist hick that were supposed to hate; he's kind of the bad ass anti-hero of the group, and the one all of us fans seem to love. Glenn isn't just the Asian whipping boy any more, he's becoming the ass-saver and the one people trust. They are examples of some great character development. Shane is definitely someone we hate, and yet his Kubrick-esque turn last night (ep. Secrets) promises that we have some good shit yet to come from him. He's the conflict. He's going to keep people on their toes. Rick... well, we like Rick, but he's a bit of a disillusioned whiner sometimes. He's the go-to, but he needs to start laying the smack down on the assholes of the group, starting with his wife. Lori, Andrea and Dale are the bitches. Secrets, drama, pouting, agitation... they're doing more harm than good, and I guess any story needs characters like them, but good lord I wish they'd die. Then again, someone else annoying would just replace them. Everything else is just kinda window dressing; they're there to motivate and compliment the main characters. They play their parts well. It can't all be zombie panic, because in real life it wouldn't be. We need to see the group dynamic in the quiet hours, because it lets us in on what we have in store for us during the times of action. We need to be able to feel the characters, love or hate, and become invested in them. We need to be tense when someone we like it in danger, and we need to be impatient to see the ones we hate get taken down by zombies, or their fellow group members. This isn't a Michael Bay vehicle, which exists to give tons of action to the simple minded of the world, at expense of everything else including story, plot and character development. You want bang, bang, boom!, go watch Transformers. This show (and comic) wasn't meant for you. If you want a good (yet flawed) horror TV show about zombies, you've already got one. Sit back and enjoy it, and don't nitpick it to death, because no TV show can stand up to that kind of merciless scrutiny. and especially not one bout zombies. The comic was about people. The TV show is the same thing. For all of its flaws, were getting some pretty good stuff here, and like anything else, it's going to have it's peaks and valleys. Then again any journey has peaks and valleys along the way. Not all of them have zombies though. For that, the peaks and valleys must be endured.

November 18, 2011

While we're on the subject of sharks...

There sure seem to be a lot of them (especially lately), and they all seem to suck. Still, you gotta love some of these titles...