November 30, 2011

Review: Little Deaths (2011)
Hobo Rape. Nazi Gimp sperm-milking. Dog domination. These are the main ingredients in Little Deaths; a crazy, demented little movie made up of 3 vignettes, all about the Horrors of relationships. I swear, the fucking British are always on about something that manages to creep me out.

"House and Home" is the first story of the three, and involves a rich couple who love Jesus, and so they love to spend their time doing good deeds. They also love to invite homeless people to their crib, drug them, and then take turns raping them, because who in their right mind doesn't love to rape homeless people? The wife is a snooty bitch, and her hubby is a simpering puss-bag, so right off the bat you can see who's in control. *I'm pretty sure it's her he wants to rape and kill, because she really deserves it. But, let's take out our anger on some poor destitute homeless chick instead...

Which brings us to Sorrow; the hot homeless chick with a very foreboding name. Right off the bat you should know that raping "sorrow" can't be the best of ideas. It's like trying to stab "hate," or bitch-slap "rage." Nothing good can come of it.

And of course, nothing does. Nudity, bondage, rape, face-pissing and blood ensues. Lots of blood.

Cheeky bitch.
Freaky bitch.
Things get way crazier in the second story, "Mutant Tool." It's the story of an ex-hooker who is trying to fight the urge to keep banging random strangers, yet keeps banging random strangers anyhow; and a Nazi-era Gimp with the largest peener I've ever seen, who is kept chained up so that he can be milked for his mutant load, which is then turned into a pill which enables people to have some sort of ESP high... I think. None of that is exaggeration. In fact, I'm holding back on some of it, to avoid crazy spoilers.

Seriously, this gimp is rocking the joint of a large Rhino here, and it's kinda scary. Being fed pureed human organs doesn't make things any less creepy, and seeing the chick take these crazy sperm pills and have a psychic link to the gimp while pissing blood doesn't help either. This is definitely Cronenberg territory.

It's hard to properly break this story down without using about 5,000 more words, so let's just leave it at this; it's trippy, creepy, and gross. Also, it might be best to watch this on some sort of hallucinogen. We're not condoning drug use, but it's true.

Biggest man-hammer ever.
Yeah. That's exactly what you think it is.
The last segment's title, "Bitch," has a double meaning; on one hand, it refers to the girlfriend of the story, because she's a raging bitch. On the other, it refers to her boyfriend, because he's a spineless man-bitch. Then again, it also refers to dogs, which can be bitches too, so really it has multiple meanings.

Bitch is the most twisted of the three stories, in a way, because it's one that is real, and you know things like this just have to go on in daily life with many couples. She's the Dom, he's the Sub, and he loves when she humiliates him, bangs him in his brown balloon knot with a strap-on, bangs other people and makes him watch, or even makes him walk around on all fours like a dog... which, by the way, she's profoundly terrified of.

After a while, he grows tired of his bitch treating him like a bitch, and since he's not one to bitch, he gathers up a bunch of bitches, and despite her bitching, ties her up... and we've said too much already. Suffice it to say that every bitch eventually bites back when beaten enough, and sometimes they travel in packs. Bitch. Just wanted to say that one more time.

Walk in, see this... what do?
This. You do this.
Little Deaths is a very visual & visceral movie, which primarily uses sexual dysfunction and overt violence tell its story. It's not all exploitation though; it's also interesting to see the reds, greens, blues and different hues on display here. The movie is artsy, without feeling too pretentious or overly self-important. It's obvious the 3 directors wanted to shock and maybe even make a small statement with their vignettes, but they also wanted it to be interesting and different. Maybe that's why the movie works.

All three segments were enjoyable in their own way, and for different reasons, but if we had to pick one as our favorite, it would have to be Mutant Tool. It was definitely the most "out there," and it was about an abnormally ginormous dick... how can you not love that?

*Disclaimer: we do not, as a general rule, "love" dicks. We prefer boobs. Although one of us, who is a girl, likes dick and boobs, but that's neither here nor there. Thank you.

Don't rape homeless people. Don't be a hooker. Don't do drugs.

Also, be nice to bitches.
This was a different, fun, disturbing, sexually-charged look at sexual dysfunction and it's end results. Nudity, sex, blood and gore are the stars here, but there's also a big psychological component that drives the movie and its stories forward.

If you like your movies disturbing and mentally challenging, then you should grab a copy of this one and give it a go... then again, you'll probably like it if you enjoy large wangs and bestiality too. And piss. An buckets of sperm.


Little Deaths is available now on DVD and VOD.

Little Deaths was definitely about sex, and that means here there be sexy women!

November 27, 2011

Review: The Thing (2011)
The main reason that this movie works so well for us is because instead of being a remake or sequel, it ended up being a prequel.

Sure, John Carpenter's 1982 classic was itself a remake, but it was, and still is to this day, a superb Horror movie in its own right. When we heard that it was getting the redux treatment, we cringed and wished death on whomever came up with the awful idea of messing with such an absolute classic. Having now seen it though (under protest), we have to admit that we were wrong, and that the 2011 version of The Thing was a pretty damned good movie.

Yeah, it's behind you.
It bears similarities to the 1982 version, as well as having some very Alien-esque moments as well, but it's not entirely fair to call this a new version, is it? It is in fact a prequel, so really, it's its own entity. Even if it had been a direct remake, we'd be hard pressed to hate it. If you liked Carpenter's 1982's opus, there's really no reason you shouldn't enjoy the hell out of this one too. It's not as good of a film, but it doesn't have to be, because it's good enough for what it is.

Here are 10 reasons why we liked this prequel:

Mary Elizabeth Winstead- She's no MacReady, but come on man, she's way hotter than Kurt Russell, even with his epic 80's beard.
Joel Edgerton- Because he's awesome. If you haven't seen Warrior yet, you should check it out asap. Great flick.
Eric Christian Olsen- Because he's funny as hell in Fired Up, and is awesome as Deeks on NCIS:LA. And am I the only one thinking that he would make a pretty good serial killer?
Mr. Eko- Because he was one of our favorite LOST characters, and because trying to spell his real name is way harder than just spelling Mr. Eko. So... Mr. Eko it is!
The FX- Because even though they were more computer-generated than practically applied, they were still pretty awesome.
This Thing- Because the way it turned it's head was creepy.
The Oral Sex Scene- Because anytime some alien tries to ram its overpositor down someones throat, it's a good thing.
This Thing- Because what in the hell is going on here!
Whatever This Is- Because it reminds us of Christmas, and it makes us believe that aliens love Christmas too.
The Scene After The Credits- Because it was just pure nostalgia love.
This was a good addition to The Thing mythology and series; it's a great Sci-Fi creature flick, much like its 1982 inspiration was, and the fact that it's a prequel really does make it that much easier to swallow. Hopefully this movie will inspire the younger generation to seek out the 1982 version, and watch both of these flicks back to back. That really would be a pretty good double-feature. Jesus, that just made me sound old.


The Thing is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Let's take a minute to admire Kurt Russel's Epic Beardness circa 1982; he looks like a sexy, bad-ass Dan Haggerty, don't you think? Minus the bear, of course. 

November 22, 2011

Quick Review: 8213 Gacy House (2011)
8213: Gacy House had its moments. It was creepy here and there, but it was such a stupid fucking movie, that in the end, those few decent moments were easily forgotten.

The fact that it was a Found Footage/POV flick is what hurt it the most, with its characters acting in asinine ways simply to keep the POV going until the end of the movie, so that there could be a movie at all.

It does work as a comedy though, albeit a tasteless one; the scene of Gacy's ghost pantsing a guy and dragging him down the hallway to partake in some gay-ghost rape was pretty funny. Unintentionally.

The rapey ghost of John Wayne Gacy.
The dialogue was great too, with characters roaming around the house asking "Gacy... are you down here?," or  "Let us know your presence is here," or "Are there any dead boys in that crawlspace?" The coup de shitting writing grace though, has to be this line: "Dammit Gacy! How frank do I have to be with you!"

Who write that line un-ironically?

Come on, man!
Unless you're a Hand Held/Found Footage flick junkie, you should just skip this one altogether, although you could go ahead and watch this if you like to laugh at really shitty movies.

At least there were tits.
Like most crappy Horror flicks, this one at least had some hot chicks on display to ease our pain.

Quick Review: Alyce Kills (2011)
Alyce is the story of two slutty bar whores, one of whom pushes the other off of a roof while high, and ends up going bat-shit crazy from the guilt.

For a movie that uses the phrase "delves into a brutal nightmare wonderland of sex, drugs and violence" in it's description, you'd think they'd have gone a bit further down the exploitation road with it. The only thing that gets crazy explicit was the violence, and that wasn't until the very end, for the most part.

It's definitely a psych-job of a movie, which turns into a Torture Porn kinda thing in the last 20 minutes or so... and let us just say that the ending does get plenty bloody and nasty.

Dude, why?
The problem is that the rest of the movie leading up to that point was slow and uneventful. Alyce turns to drugs to cope with her Demons, but there's not a ton of sex. Maybe it's better to call the movie uneven as opposed to uneventful. There's plenty of drama to be had, it's just that nothing much "happens" until the end.

Don't worry hun, we were in a coma during most of this one too.
As a psychological drama, the movie works well. As a Horror flick, it's a middle of the road sort of affair. They really should have mixed it up a bit more.

The ladies of Alyce Kills gave us more thrills than chills. I don't know, that's all we've got.