Choose (2011)

"Choose something else."
* On DVD/In Demand now.
Choose is the story of sexy Fiona; a sexy girl who is doing her sexy best to stay sexy while she gets her college degree... which will also be sexy once it belongs to her. Her dad is Kevin Pollak, who used to be a good actor but is now a sheriff in some sleepy college town. Sheriff Pollack's wife/Fiona's mother committed suicide a few months back, and they are still trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Aaaw, such a compelling plot so far, no?

I'd love to help her pick up her pieces... Zing!
Their town is beset of late by a bizarre string of murders in which victims have to choose their fate; which one lives, your mom or your dad?; which can you live without, your eyes or your beauty?; which would you rather watch, a Channing Tatum movie or a video featuring an adorable puppy starving to death? We pick the puppy. And we LOVE puppies.

So detective dad is on the case to find Scar Lip (the killer's name, even though he's never called that in the movie) before he can force any other innocent victims to make a choice. Of course this all has to do with sexy Fiona in some way, and being a cops daughter she begins to dig into the mystery of Scar Lip and his choices, uncovering some shocking things about herself and her family, and everyone who is dying, and Scar Lip and other things too, I'm sure. You get the point.

Yes, the choices are timed.
For the most part, Choose is a run of the mill Torture Porn/Slasher flick. It's got some decent deaths and gory scenes sprinkled throughout, though none of it inspires any feelings of excitement or awe. Where it really loses ground though is in the lame script and the lackluster story. Some of the dialogue was so bad that they even stole the old "How do you like them apples" bit from Good Will Hunting... and it came off as laughable here.

At least Katheryn Winnick was nice to stare at for 90 minutes, give or take. She's got a great face (eyes especially) and some rockin' boobs (yes, I just said that.) She's a decent actress too. So, despite her character being a moron and doing some "It's in the script" type of things, she was the bright spot of the movie.

We likey.
The worst part of the whole affair was the ending(s): After the first ending, which I thought capped off a mediocre movie adequately enough, even though the twist was bland and we saw it coming from about 35-45 minutes away, we're treated to ending number 2; you know, the other twist ending that's supposed to make you gasp but really just makes you shake your head in disbelief? What was that? Totally out of left field and made no sense on a few different levels. *ENDING SPOILERS* After proving to be so tough, why was Fiona so terrified by the old man? I mean she just made short work of Funk Lip, so why the screaming fear? Also, what did the old man have to do with anything, and why did he show up so randomly and at exactly the right time? *END of END SPOILERS* Rubbish.

From what we understand, the director of Choose made a choice himself to have his name removed from the finished product, because he didn't like some of the tampering that was done to his movie. After seeing the pure shit that this movie ended with, we don't blame him.

At least some of the gore was interesting.
The Master Says- D Choose is a slightly below average slasher flick that tries to hard to be a new franchise, rather than trying hard to be a good movie. It's not truly awful; it would have garnered a middle of the road "C" grade had it not been for the awful mess at the end. Still, the fact remains that it's not very good and aside from some decent bloody moments and the sexy hotness of the Winnick girl, there's not much else going on here.

Final Thoughts- We adore Katheryn Winnick. Look at her... what's not to adore?

Closed For the Season (2011)

"Closed for good reason..."
*Available on DVD now.
It's amazing to me how some of these low budget movies try so hard to be unique and different, and end up over complicating things to the point of unwatchability. Here's the rule: If you have $50 to make a movie, don't over complicate things. Keep it simple and make it interesting, and the lack of budget wont matter as much. Clocking in at just under 2 very long hours, Closed for the Season is one of those flicks that thinks way too much.

Closed for the Season is the tale of Kristy; a hot chick who got scared at an amusement park when she was a kid, which traumatized her so much that she decides to go back there in her 20's. As luck would have it, she finds herself trapped in the creepy park and unable to leave, along with some guy named James, who is very mysterious and... mysterious is good enough.

It seems as though they are both trapped in wonderland, which makes for 2 times the tedium. Together they run around the park fending off evil carny's, fighting with a costumed monster, and walking through a lot of fog. I think there was fog. Isn't there always fog?

The movie attempts to be a psychological thriller, with our main characters "trapped" in their childhood memories by an old amusement park. Yes, it's a haunted park, and it really goes to great lengths to con people into never leaving... It's not a bad premise at all, and in fact, it could be one hell of a good ride if done right, but it's far too uneventful and boring to get much of a rise even out of the most casual horror fan.

The actors even fell asleep during their scenes!
The characters are wooden and uninspiring, as is the script that they're forced to tread through. Aimee Brooks is nice to watch though, as she spends most of the movie sweating in a tight tank top, which was absolutely the film's highlight. We liked her. We also have to admit that the movie looked pretty good in most places, and was shot competently.

As for the horror elements present in the movie... well, there weren't really any. Some of the CGI was bad, and even down right laughable in some places. The clown wasn't creepy. The lake monster made me do a double take and question if this was supposed to be a comedy or not. And the atmosphere the director was going for never really came to fruition, which is the real shame of it all; the old abandoned amusement park they used for the shoot was perfect and creepy, and could have been put to far better use.

Seriously, what is that? LOL!
If the 70's taught us anything, it's that great horror movies with effective settings/atmosphere can be made with an almost non-existent budget. The 80's added to that lesson by showing us that as long as there were tits and blood in abundance, shitty horror movies could be endured. These days, so many low budget horror flicks fail to deliver on any of those things, and it's bewildering. Too much high concept, inept dialogue, and a favoring of the artistic over the exploitative tend to ruin most cheapo flicks in this modern age of horror. The great horror movie makers of yesteryear became great because they made something out of virtually nothing; these days, horror filmmakers tend to think themselves great right out of the gate, and their movies end up suffering for it.

The Master Says- If you like gorked out, psychedelic mind trips that lull you into a comforting and untroubled sleep, then by all means, grab a copy of this movie on DVD. If you like good movies that make sense and make you feel something, anything, aside from the overwhelming desire to hit STOP on your DVD remote, then skip this one. It's definitely a DO NOT WANT for us.


Final Thoughts- We do, however, want more of Aimee Brooks. Please.

*FYI- These pics of Aimee Brooks are from Monster Man, not Closed for the Season, so if you are looking to see her all scantily clad, look there, not here.

We Are the Night (2011)

"We are the slutty night."

Wir Sind Die Nacht
Sub-Genre- Vampires

Cast Members of Note- Karoline Herfurth, Nina Hoss, Jennifer Ulrich and Anna Fischer.

What's it About?- What's not to love about a gang of sexy vampire party girls who smoke, drink, drive fast cars, have all kinds of casual sex, engage in random lesbianism, and drain the blood of deserving losers? Aside from maybe becoming their food... nothing.

You bad girl!
It's not all fun and games with the ladies of the night though, because they have a rather large penchant for blood... mainly because they're vampires, but that's not excuse, is it? Then again, women want what they want, and if you give them an ultimate power like vampirism, they're pretty much going to kill you and steal your credit cards. Because women like to shop.

When not shopping, women also like to bite stuff.
The story doesn't really matter so much, as it's fairly generic and simple; the vampire girls run around the city acting all entitled and decadent, happy with their way of life until the lesbo of the group brings in a new girl, which pretty much fucks up their whole scheme. Why, you ask? Because of love, and a detective with a penis who who is mysteriously drawn (by his heart, apparently) to the new girl as well. Bloodletting ensues.

"You're mine, bitch."
The Good- It's sleek and pretty to look at, we can definitely claim that much. Aside from it's shiny visual aspects, Wer Sind Die Nacht is basically an average vampire tale, which does a decent job of entertaining, even though it slips into romance land towards the end. And no, contrary to the opinions of morons across the internet, this movie isn't like Twilight at all. Just because there's a doomed romance mixed in with the vampire shenanigans, doesn't mean it belongs in the same vein at all. If we're being honest, most vampire flicks involve the "L" word (Love, not Lesbian), and unless were comparing Twilight to Dracula or Lost Boys, we can't do that with this movie either.

Like we said before, it's a slick and pretty movie, with some good FX and a good overall atmosphere about it. It's nice to see a movie involving a gang of hot chicks causing trouble for a change too. If you like a glossy, stylish ride, you'll dig this movie.

...It's bloody too.
The Bad- Arguably, the best part of the movie is the stuff involving Charlotte's history and back story. The bit with her daughter towards the end was oddly... touching. Why they didn't explore aspects like this a bit more, we can't say. A bit more character depth, and this could have been a far better movie.

The Downright Horrendous- What starts off very promising ends up being a sappy little romance in the end. As we said above, the strongest points of this movie -that kicked it off to a pretty strong start- ended up by the wayside after the halfway point, where it all becomes a tale of forbidden and impossible love. Some pretty heavy jealousy drama too. Lesbian and straight, mind you. We don't hate love, but it does kinda suck when it kills a good story.

Now why didn't they explore this love story?!?
The Gory- Neck breaking, gun violence, blood drinking, hot chicks burning alive and a pipe in the gut... a decent amount of gore is on display here.

The Naked- Nothing naked here save for some bare backs. There is some lesbian kissing, but the sexiness never seems to go too far.

Best Scene- The one in which a sexy vamp casually dispatches a swat team.

"Guten abend."
What did we learn?- Undead German chicks like to party. Also, love tends to screw everything up.

The Master Says- C As vampire movies go, this one was decent enough. Had they explored the back stories of the characters a bit more, it could have been something special, but as it is, it's just decent. It's definitely a case of style over substance here, with the sexiness and bloodletting being the backbone of the movie. Vampire enthusiasts may like it because they tend to love all things vampy, but it doesn't bring anything new to the sub-genre.

Final Thoughts- We want to turn this Frau (Jennifer Ulrich) upside down.

Grave Encounters (2011)

"If you like your scary movies light on the scary, this is the movie you've been waiting for!"
*In limited release now, various cities.
Grave Encounters starts off promising enough, with its horror reality show angle and it's creepy location and premise, but as it goes on, the creepiness diminishes more and more until it's gone altogether and we're left just wanting it to end.

Lance Preston and the crew of "Grave Encounters", a ghost-hunting reality television show, are shooting an episode inside the abandoned Collingwood Psychiatric Hospital, where unexplained phenomena has been reported for years. All in the name of good television, they voluntarily lock themselves inside the building for the night and begin a paranormal investigation, capturing everything on camera. They quickly realize that the building is more than just haunted - it is alive - and it has no intention of ever letting them leave. They find themselves lost in a labyrinth maze of endless hallways and corridors, terrorized by the ghosts of the former patients. They soon begin to question their own sanity, slipping deeper and deeper into the depths of madness, ultimately discovering the truth behind the hospital's dark past...and taping what turns out to be their final episode.

It seems to us that Grave Encounters is loosely based on The Travel Channel's show, Ghost Adventures, which features an annoying muscle bound ghost hunter locking he and his crew inside of creepy old buildings at night, and walking around taunting the ghosts with gems like "Dude!" and "Come at me Ghost Bro!" and "Dude, come at me ghost Bro, Dude!" Seriously, he walks around trying to karate fight ghosts. To be fair, aside from lame theatrics like that, the show can be creepy at times, dare I say creepier than the uber popular Ghost Hunters on Syfy.

The only real difference is the smurf.
Like I was saying, Grave Encounters feels a lot like that show, from the host to the way they "X mark" certain spots and set up their cameras, to the way that they ask the questions of the ghosts... The problem is that the movie gets mired down in the style it's trying to exude and forgets to be creepy. There's just not enough subtlety. The scares come eventually, but instead of add to the ambiance, they pretty much instantly kill the mood and atmosphere, and never allow you to get back into things again. Once that's gone, the acting and script tend to grate on you, as does the whole "shaky cam" aspect of things, which is never fun even in the best of the movies.

I'd say by the time we got to the part of the movie that involved mean ghosts altering time and doing construction on the building, we were done.

The Master Says- D We've said it before and this movie upholds our claim; movie made by guys that have nicknames are usually atrocious. The Viscous Brothers join the ranks of The Brothers Strauss, The Butcher Brothers, McG, Diablo Cody and others, in showing that they're more concerned with an edgy name than they are with doing something worthy of having an edgy name. The younger crowd and those easily scared may feel the effects of this one, but for most horror fans, it's going to fall flat.

Final Thoughts-We have no idea where this "Ashleigh Gryzko" came from, but we admire her sexy talents. Also, we're pretty sure she's a smurf. A pale one.

Atrocious (2011)

"The events in this movie really happened. It says so right in the movie."
*In limited release now, via AMC theaters.
With any found footage movie, you need to be able to buy into the concept and set up for it to be effective. If you can't accept what you're seeing on the screen as real -as in it truly happened- then all is lost. Atrocious does a pretty good job at keeping things real for the most part, though it does get mired down in the trappings of its own sub-genre. Much of the movie is spent with characters walking and filming, running and filming, and doing everyday life things which adds to the realism of it all, but does wear thin after a while.

Atrocious is the story of the Quintanilla family, who was found murdered in their creepy old vacation house in Stiges, Spain. The family's two oldest kids, Christian and July, just had to poke their nose into the old legend of the Girl in the Garraf Woods, both of them running around through a massive and creepy forest maze looking for proof of her existence.

It's not long before strange and eerie things begin to happen to them, both in the woods and out. They find strange altars, a foreboding pavilion, and even an old "you know you're screwed now" well, all of which screams "you're about to die painfully!" to me. Add to that odd noises and goings on around the house at night, and by the time the dog disappears, you just know they're all screwed.

Aww, un perro! (He dead)

The problem here is that everything seems all too familiar, which doesn't have to be a bad thing, but seeing as there are so many hand held/found footage flicks out there now, they need to start standing out a bit more.

Think about it like this; after the original Halloween and Friday the 13th, slasher movies started popping up right and left in the early 80's. Some were good, some were alight, but looking back with an honest eye, a lot of them sucked. They retreaded the same territory over and over again until they became almost a parody of themselves. People eventually grew tired of it all, which is why by the end of the 80's, the horror genre was pretty much DOA, and didn't get much life back until Scream came along in 1996.

Atrocious is kinda like those mediocre slashers of old; it delivers what it's supposed to, but we've seen it before and done better, so in the end it all feels kinda blah. That's not to say that there aren't some great moments in the movie, because there are. Some of it is genuinely creepy and even unsettling, but like most found footage flicks, most of its running time is spent on set up to give us that "It's soooo real" feeling.

There's some blood in this.
The twist at the end was interesting enough, though it changed the feel of the movie for us in retrospect and gave it a different feel. For us, found footage movies work when they show us glimpses of the unknown, highlighting supernatural and unknown horrors that lurk about out there somewhere, whether in a forest or an old home. They're a warning. Here, when we actually get an explanation as to what's going on, it somehow becomes a bit less creepy.

The Master Says- C Good enough for what it is, Atrocious is middle of the road entertainment for the most part. It gets some things right, really right, but overall it's bringing nothing new to the Found Footage/POV genre. If you haven't seen many movies like this, or just can't get enough of the sub genre's offerings, you will most likely have a good time with Atrocious. For those of us who have seen too much of this kind of thing and are a tad jaded about our movies, it will only inspire strong feelings of "meh."

Final Thoughts- So Yellowbrickroad sucked, Rammbock was good and Atrocious was alright... Cold Fish had better be good, or Bloody Disgusting and whatever the hell "The Collective" is, have pretty much dropped the ball with their "Select" partnership with AMC Theaters. The overall results so far have not been much better than the average AD Horrorfest year, or even Fangoria's Frightfest.

The Orphan Killer (2011)

THE ORPHAN KILLER
Sub-Genre- Slasher

Cast Members of Note- Diane Foster, John Savage, Karen Young, and James McCaffrey.

What's it About?- The Orphan Killer is the story of Marcus and Audrey Miller. As kids they were the closest of siblings, until they witnessed their parents being brutally murdered. Afterwards, they see themselves promptly shipped off to the local orphanage where Audrey is a perfect little lady, sweet and loveable, while Marcus turns out to be a creepy little fucker; after pretty much beating a fat kid to death with a baseball bat, the pious nuns of St. Nobody Wants You try to drown him, beat him endlessly, and force him to wear some nasty looking skeleton mask, because he's a sinner. But they're orphans, so it makes sense, right? Happens all the time in orphanages.

All he needs is love.
Anywho, Audrey gets adopted, and Marcus gets all pissy about it, because he's a family man kid. Marcus is locked in the attic and left there, and I'm pretty sure they eventually forget he's there. Of course that just serves to warp him more than he already is, and years later he emerges in search of his long lost sister, and looking to hack anyone who works for God into bloody little pieces...

The Good- As a gorefest, this movie absolutely nails it; It's bloody, messy, wet, and really graphic. If you love unrelenting gore and endless kill scenes, this is your flick. It definitely harkens back to the lost slashers of the 80's, where plot and acting meant nothing, because skin and viscera was the draw.

Movies like this serve their purpose.

On the flip side of this particular coin is everything other than the gore, which isn't anything to write home about. If you'd believe most of the 23"Reviewers" that have posted their thoughts about The Orphan Killer on IMDB, it's "the best slasher flick of all time!" It's not even the best slasher movie of this year, let alone ever, so grains of salt must be taken.

The shots of young Marcus standing around in his mask were really creepy, and made us wish we had seen more of his childhood carnage.

Gore Galore.
The Bad-As a film, The Orphan Killer isn't winning any awards. When I first heard about TOK, it was called Marcus Miller: The Orphan Killer. Catchy title. I thought maybe it would surprise me like Leslie Vernon did, or even Malevolence. Both were low budget slashers, and both were pretty fun.

TOK is fun, insofar as the blood and gore goes. Most everything else that surrounds it though is painful to endure. Save for the female lead, most of the acting is abysmal. At one point during the movie I was convinced that the director had grabbed a homeless person off the street, dressed them in a nun costume, and told them "Just keep saying "We have to leave!" over and over again." It was bewildering. Then again, this movie exists to shock, not dazzle.

The Downright Horrendous- When someone watches a movie and decides to post a review about it, they should be able to. Love it, hate it, it's their right. If you happen to frequent the IMDB pages for your favorite flicks, you may notice that it's an open forum for opinion, good or bad. We personally love to opine. We do not love when opinions are censored because someone doesn't agree with them. We don't censor comments here, and we were once told that we should shoot ourselves. True story. It's all in the Megan is Missing comment section. Point is, we let them say it.

To see that actual reviews were taken down off of TOK's IMDB page is alarming. If someone doesn't like your film, it's not the end of the world. Maybe you listen to what they say and try to be objective, because feedback is always good, even if what you've done is perfect. Don't like the review? Ignore it. If someone has the right to pimp their movie to the ends of the earth as the best thing ever, then someone else has the right to say "No, I don't agree."

Man up and take the feedback.

The Gory- Gore f'ing galore. If you're in it for the kills, and if you like them extra messy, you will adore this movie. In fact, this will become one of your instant faves.

The Naked- Not only can Diane Foster act, but she's also good at taking a shower, which we were pleased to be able to watch. There was all kinds of wet and willing flesh on display, and for that we are truly thankful.

Wunderbar!
The Master Says- I don't know who proclaimed Marcus Miller to be the 2011's new horror icon, aside from the director, but I'm not convinced of it. TOK gets an A+ for gore, a D+ for everything else. If you want to check this movie out, head over to the Orphan Killer Facebook Page and pick up a copy.


A piece of awesome Orphan Killer art.

The Bleeding House (2011)

"The Boring House."

As so many indie horror flicks seem have been of late, The Bleeding House is big on concept but the execution doesn't match the imagined scope.

The Bleeding House is the story of a troubled family living out in the middle of BFE, who are harboring a dark secret. You see, the daughter, Blackbird (no, she's not Native American, just wonky), did "something" in the past which prompted her mother to lock up the utensils and cast a constant suspicious eye on her like she's a black man in a Korean party store. (You know that shit happens, so do not judge my attempt at humor!)

After a tension-filled dinner (ooooh), a mysterious stranger named Nick shows up, oozing southern charm and an overtly polite drawl. "Might I trouble you for some help good neighbor? I do fear that my vehicle has met with some unfortunate malady, and has been rendered inoperable." Yeah. The thought of enduring dialogue like that for the remainder of the movie is enough to terrify most moviegoers, even if nothing else about the movie does.

Too bad his character wasn't mute.
Long story short, Nick is creepy and once invited inside by the family, he proceeds to "punish them for their sins", or some such nonsense. Unfortunately for him, Sparrowface, or whatever her name is, is also creepy, which sets up a mano-a-mano creepy person showdown, kinda. IT basically turns into a torture-pornish kind of thing that delivers some blood, and far too much preachy dialogue.

It's a good idea on paper, but on film it's a slow and drawn out bunch of un-eventfulness that doesn't really manage to scare or entertain much. Through all of our movie watching adventures, we have found that the more stylized and unique a movie tries to be, the less it tends to be. Tarantino did it perfectly with Pulp Fiction, Rob Zombie did it equally well with The Devil's Rejects. So many movies try to capture that same lightning in a bottle, but cant manage to do it, and let's be honest, even Rob Zombie could only do it once.

She crazy.
I'm not sure how the Villain in this movie, Nick, is supposed to come off as creepy or menacing. Patrick Breen does his best with the character of Nick, but the whole "Southern Gentleman" routine got old really quick. I half expected him to break out a "Why I do, why I do declare!" ala Foghorn Leghorn every other minute, though he never did. It was close enough though. The whole pious man of God looking for some demented retribution thing just didn't work for us.

SPOILERS We do have to say that the idea of the daughter being a murderous sociopath, and her family being terrified of her is an interesting one. Too bad it wasn't explored more. END SPOILERS

The Master Says- D+ It's not a completely wasted effort, but in the end The Bleeding House just isn't enthralling enough to make us want to suffer through its annoying bits. Had it been a little faster paced and cut way back on the verbiage, it could have been a sleeper of a horror flick. I'm sure that this movie will be right up some of your proverbial alleys, but for most people it's going to inspire boredom and not much else. It will find its audience, we just wont be amongst them.

Final Thoughts- Alexandra Chando is in this.

Blitz (2011)

"This movie makes up for the awfulness that was the Transporter series, both Crank movies, and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Movie..."
*On U.S. DVD 8/23
Jason Statham is a 50/50 kind of actor; half the time, he's in awesome movies that get my blood going, and half the time he's in shit movies that get my nap time going. We've listed a few of his worst in the blurb above. Thankfully, Blitz isn't just a cool movie, it's a movie that let's Jason Statham do what he does best... act like a bad ass and hurt people that really deserve some pain.

Blitz is the story of... well, a serial killer named "Blitz." Kind of a lame name for a serial killer, we know, but he's British, so his idea of cool is off to begin with. Anywho, Blitz (short for Blitzkreig, which is even lamer) is running around England doing in coppers that have done him wrong throughout his life, and in very nasty ways. Also, he seems to have a good sense of humor, which is always a plus.

Statham plays a burnt out, by-his-own-rules, tough as nails, wise cracking cop, who dispenses his own brand of justice with his fists! He's hot on the trail of Blitz, and he has help from a Gay inspector played by Paddy Consadine, who as it turns out is also tough as nails, in addition to being quite the interior decorator.

Sure, all of those cliches about cops and gays sound a bit generic, but I'm just telling you what the movie's about. Plus, cliches can be fun. Especially gay cliches.

"I ain't gay mate, I'm just shirtless and fabulous, yeah?"
Blitz is just a cool flick. If you like British cop thrillers, serial killer flicks, gay cops, or karate, you can't not love this movie... well, you can, but it really is a fun flick, so don't be so closed minded. Statham is Statham, and in this one, that is a very good thing. He looks like he feels comfy in hid role in Blitz, just kicking ass and acting all tough and what have you. Add to the mix three of England's/Ireland's best actors -Paddy Consadine, David Morrissey, and Aidan Gillen- and you have a movie filled with grisly death and great scenes played by great actors. Don't get me wrong, it's a simple movie filled with a lot of simple things, but that doesn't mean the boys don't bring the goods.

Aidan Gillen is our stand out fave in this one. Many say he over-acts, but we do not agree with that simplistic, haterade fueled assessment of his talent. Here, he's just grimy and creepy, and his character feels very reminiscent of "the Scorpio Killer" from Dirty Harry; an ordinary guy who just so happens to be a nut job. We've said it before and we'll say it again, if Gillen at some point doesn't play a Bond villain, someone's asleep at the "Awesome Bond Villain" wheel.

The Master Says- B+ If you like serial killer actioners, this movie is definitely worth a look, if for the "curbing" scene alone. This is the kind of sheit that we here at THC eat up. In the vein of great serial killer/cop flicks like Dirty Harry and The Chaser, though not quite to their level, this is definitely a movie that deserves a place in your DVD library.

Final Thoughts- Christina Cole is in this, though barely credited.

Now that's a hot bird.