May 30, 2011

Twofer- Tucker & Dale vs. Evil / Burke & Hare

Since these movies are both Horror Comedies, and both make use of an ampersand in their titles, we thought we'd throw them together as a twofer. Twofer, as in Two fer One... you see? Our cleverness never ceases. Not ever.

It's odd to see Simon Pegg not paired with someone who is fat and bumbling for a change, but since it's Andy Serkis in this case, we can live with it. Burke & Hare is the story of two bumbling losers in merry ole' England, whom take to grave robbing to pay the bills. It's similar in many ways to another grave robbing horror comedy, I Sell the Dead, except that the latter is a far better flick.  

B&H is mildly amusing, and mildly engaging, but it's more flat than anything else. Aside from a few laugh out loud moments, the funny bits are mostly non-existent. It's not a "bad" film; John Landis does his usual thing here, to a decent effect, but it just never seems to get over the top of the rise as far as either the comedy or Horror aspects go.

Not funny enough, not serious enough, B&H just sort of languishes in the in-between, waiting to be swept in either direction, which never quite happens. I feel confident in saying this is Simon Pegg's least satisfying film, and I've seen Run, Fatboy, Run. Yeah.

As a comeback, it's not such a good one for John Landis. I Sell the Dead did this whole concept better, though it was admittedly a vastly different movie, so stick with that one if you're in the mood for some grave robbing, Horror hi-jinks. If you're a fan of Landis or Pegg though, you may just like this enough to sit through it.

C-


Tucker & Dale vs Evil on the other hand, is a little Horror Comedy filled with "no name" actors, that works ridiculously well within its confines. It also has a fat guy in it, which instantly makes it more credible as far as bumbling duo flicks go.

T&D is about two rubes who decide to take them a fancy vacation in the mountains, at their newly acquired, ramshackle cabin. It's Hillbilly paradise, basically.

When a group of jerky College kids show up from the big city and think that the duo has kidnapped one of their lady friends, a string of wacky hi-jinks ensue, which leaves Tucker and Dale fighting for their very lives...

Now, I'm not one for most movies that involve wacky hi-jinks, or even crazy calamity; those movies tend to be moronic and they make my brain hurt. In T&D though, the moronic hi-jinks are actually pretty funny and not so much moronic, which left us all very impressed. How can you not love a College Kid taking a running leap into a wood-chipper and one of our hero's reacting by yelling "You Okay!?!" Seriously, it's laugh out loud stuff.  

Alan Tudyk will always be Steve the Pirate to me, but he's truly great in this too. The star of the show however, and it's no knock to Mr. Tudyk, is Tyler Labine. I've never seen the portly comedian before watching T&D, but I'll tell you this; he's got an awesome career ahead of him. Both of these guys made us laugh until a little bit of pee came out, and we're not even ashamed to admit that.

Oh, and Katrina Bowden is a fox. A FOX!

Why this movie hasn't been released yet is beyond me. Funny, bloody as hell, and just plain awesome, it's something any self respecting Horror fan needs to see, and own, else risk sucking for the rest of your life. No really. you kinda suck if you can't love this movie. No DVD plans as of yet, but when it does hit, grab yourself a copy asap.

A
 

May 23, 2011

Drive Angry 3D (2011)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1502404/
For the most part, you either like Nicholas Cage, and the shitty movies he tends to star in, or you don't. For every Kick Ass there's a Season of the Witch. For every Lord of War, a Wicker Man. For every Weather Man, a Ghost Rider. There's no clean win with Nic Cage. His every move is a gamble for his fans.

We here at THC love him, mostly, though we can't say why. Much like Bruce Willis, he's just kinda Nic Cage in every movie he's in. In decent movies, it's awesome, as he plays the tough guy so well. In the suck-jobs though, it makes you feel sad for him, because he's just so likable that you hate to jeer the guy.

Look through his IMDB page and try not to cringe. Really, for every decent/good flick he makes, 3 shitty ones tend to follow suit.

You know it's the truth, Nic. Now put the gun down!
Drive Angry, his latest, is a flawed movie. One could even say it borders on being bad, but those that would say such a thing are missing the point of it all. It's a Comic Book flick (in tone, at least.) It's a exploitational, Grindhouse throwback. A shameless action piece of B-movie badness, that manages to feel like it belongs in the 70's amidst all of the other "road revenge" flicks of that time, but still manages to feel fresh. Leave all talk of plot holes and reality checks at the door, folks, because they have no place here.

I'm pretty sure that this is how most porno movies begin...
Drive Angry is the story of John Milton (how many younger viewers will miss that not-so-subtle reference?), who escapes from Hell to save his infant Grandchild from a Satanic Cult that wants to sacrifice her. He meets a Whiskey-Tango, whorish Amber Heard, and they team up to spit cheesy one liners back and forth, and kill people. And it's great. Also, there's an awesome "Holy Gun" that Milton stole from Satan, which we wished had more than 3 damned bullets in it!

He looks angry enough to drive, that's for sure, but is he angry enough to drive in 3D? Hmm?
William Fichtner as The Accountant made the movie for us. Fichtner has always been an excellent character actor, and here he's just devilishly (ha!) fun as Satan's right-hand-man, sent to bring the rebellious Milton back to Hell. He's kinda like Christopher Walken's "Gabriel" in this, acting all cool and bad-ass, and delivering some great one-liners like "If by "forever" you mean the next 5 seconds, you're absolutely right." Great stuff.

If you've ever wanted proof that Satan was secretly affiliated with the U.S. Government, here it is!
Also of note is a cameo by Charlotte Ross, who gets buck naked and buck wild with Nic Cage. She's been a Hottie since her NYPD Blue days, and since Amber Heard is a prude and doesn't get naked in this movie, she deserves a special nod. That being said, Amber Heard is always hot to behold, and she rocks in this movie. The tough girl thing suits her well. Maybe now that she's a lesbian, she's likes to fight more? We got your back, Amber. And your front too.

Built for sin. Literally.
If you like your movies fast and fun, and prefer an action-packed good time rather than your average thinking man's movie, than Drive Angry 3D is the one for you. We need a movie like this every now and then, to lighten up the dreary, morose pace that we Horror fans tend to set for ourselves. There's no shame in having some simple fun, now is there? Check it out on DVD and Blu-ray on May 31st.

B+

Before we go, here are the sluts girls of Drive Angry 3D. You're welcome.

May 22, 2011

Game of Thrones has crashed the HBO GO servers.

HBO is offering subscribers a chance to see next weeks episode early, via their new site, HBO GO. Of course, after the gold crown awesomeness that was tonight's episode, everyone flocked to the site to watch the next one and... it's not working. Bastards. You're fucking with my emotions here, HBO! At least they know that GOT has millions of viewers.

May 16, 2011

Exorcismus (2011), a rant.

Paraphrased from the Wiki: Exorcismus tells the tale of a secluded, home-schooled teenager named Emma, whose uncontrolled behavior causes her to believe she is possessed by the devil. When terrible things start to happen to her friends and family, her parents grudgingly call in the help of her uncle who is a priest to drive out the evil spirits. They also allow Uncle Priest to secretly video tape the sessions for the sake of posterity.  

Exorcismus tries to be creepy. It does. Unfortunately it falls way short in the chills department, although there are a few creep-worthy bits sprinkled throughout.

Worse than that, it manages to use every cliche in the exorcism handbook while not bringing much of anything new to the table; a susceptible young girl; a Ouija Board; some unexplained fits/episodes, even more baffled Therapists and Doctors; a shamed Priest reluctant to perform an exorcism; levitation; vomiting; white eyes accompanying a demonic voice; foul language; vulgar sexual references...

 It's all rehashed from creepy movies of the past, and not even to decent effect. I'll take a movie that's a rip-off now and then, but for the love of God at least make it a good rip-off.

In the typical exorcism film, there's a lot of growling, foul language, levitating, evil grins and laughter, creepy contorting, questioning of faith, verbal sparring... but not much else ever seems to happen. It's like Demons possess someone just to do it, for laughs. They don't take over a corporeal form and go on a killing spree or cause mass destruction, no, for the most part they banter with Priests, and act all evil and overbearingly aloof... it can all still be very effective, but when you really think about it, aside from the immediate danger to the one possessed, there's not much danger in the whole thing at all.

The problem is, even above how uninspiring and unoriginal the material in this movie was, that it's not creepy at all. the atmosphere is hardly tense or foreboding, as nothing of worth is really allowed to build to a palpable level. There are a few moments that show promise in the shit-your-pants department, but they never go anywhere. The creepiest part of the movie was the flashback of the Priest's first exorcism, and that was only for a few seconds.

Oh, and now that you mention it, there's really no exorcism in this movie. There's a lot of talking, but no EXORCISM. The Priest finally tries one, for like 10 seconds at the end, but nothing comes of that.

This is the part where I mention the twist, which I will not spoil; so yeah, there's a twist towards the end which was alright, but pointless. And furthermore, what the hell does Exorcismus even mean? Is it Spanish for "lame" or "suck?"

I will give the movie credit for two things that it did "out of the norm." First, it kinda threw some incest in there, which at least was different, and probably the creepiest thing in the movie. Second, at least a bunch of people died or came close to it, even as ridiculous as it was to watch most of that action unfold. I'll also give some credit to Sophie Vavasseur, the actress that played Emma. She was pretty good although some of the material she was given forced her to painfully overact.

There needs to be an exorcism movie with atmosphere, and an impending sense of dread. A movie that sticks with the convention, but steps out of the box as well, and actually does something with the story. There never seems to be anything in these flicks that make you feel like "If the Priest can't defeat this Demon, the world is in trouble." That's the kind of exorcism movie we need. Exorcismus is not that movie.

D ...and that's being pretty generous.

Sophie Vavasseur is in this.

May 13, 2011

This is why the internet rocks.

After the blogger outage of the last few days, We lost 2 reviews; Megan is Missing and Drive Angry. Megan is Missing kinda came back as a 50% done draft, but Drive Angry is gone. One awesome person out there by the name of Dyuein apparently saw the completed Megan is Missing review, saved it, and came to our rescue by uploading and giving us a copy. That saved a TON of re-work that would have made me cranky and mean. You, sir or mam, are our hero of the day. You get the Samuel Jackson/Mace Windu seal of approval! Just an FYI, Drive Angry is on the way, along with a few others.

Megan is Missing (2011)

"If this movie doesn't make you feel dirty enough to live in a shower for 3 days after watching it, you're probably a serial killer."

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1087461/
First and foremost, the message of this movie is an excellent one, and one that needs to be heard; 14-year-old girls are stupid. That's not really the message of the movie, but it is true, and the movie kinda proves it. So I guess it is the message of the movie. Kinda.

Parents of modern day Teens don't help matters much, mostly by giving them far too much unsupervised freedom at such a young age; growing up now isn't the same as growing up when they did, the Internet has changed all of that. Webcams, Smart Phones, Twitter, Facebook... all of them give strangers far too much access into our kids lives, and far too easily. In relation to the point of this movie, kids are sexualized far too early and far too easily these days, and the creepy thing is that they do it to themselves. At any given time on many Social, Webcam or even Porn sites, you have Teen girls either talking sex, trying to hook up, or taking pictures/video of themselves either half naked or fully nude, and doing things that make them nothing more than sexual objects to anyone watching or talking with them. They don't think, they attract the wrong attention, and they end up in trouble. That's the point of the movie.

FYI, the media loves to exploit missing white girls for all they're worth. Not so much anyone with darker skin though.
*DISCLAIMER* I am NOT preaching here. The only thing better than a naked girl is a dumb one with no self-esteem. Daddy Issues are the best. And before someone reads this and thinks "What a jerk!," try having a penis sometimes ladies, it's no picnic. It fills us with shame and lust, and we do tend to objectify the pretty things that are thrown in our face, especially when it's done so casually. It's just that it's creepy when this applies to 15-year-old's. So, me no preachy, I'm just sayin' that youngins are really scandalous these days... *END DISCLAIMER*

If only they had never danced on camera...
Megan is 14, Amy is 13, and they're best friends. Megan is a slut, and Amy is a sweet girl who is too scared to be a slut. While Megan is out drinking, doing drugs, and blowing random guys, Amy is all like "um, no." So needless to say that in school, Megan is popular and Amy is a loser. Neat how that works, eh?

We find out that Megan was abused when she was 9, which pretty much set her on a course for self-destruction. So, despite being a moron, we can't help but feel for her, and neither can Amy. Amy is drawn to the wilder lifestyle that Megan leads, because she isn't wild at all, and Megan wants the normalcy of Amy's life, because she is. Somehow through all of that they form a pretty solid bond, and fill in each others gaps. Figuratively, pervs. Although that is a funny pun.

Long story short, Megan meets a "kid" named "Josh" in a Chatroom, decides to hook up with him, and disappears. Amy, obviously distraught, launches a campaign to find out what happened to her friend, and ends up finding herself in some creepy danger. To say more about what unfolds and how would be a disservice to the impact of the movie. Let's just say that "Josh" is a lie!

The last 20 minutes of this movie will disturb you for life. No joke.
Director Michael Goi actually gives us a Horrific film with a purpose here, and it's obvious that he made this movie because the issue of Internet predators/susceptible teens is one that he truly cares about. He went to great lengths to make the movie realistic (although some of it feels less than that at times) and he succeeds pretty well in that department.

It's all a culmination of 7 different real cases involving missing teens and Internet predators, and Goi went so far as to even observe teens while chatting with friends, to be as true as possible to the subject matter. At times it feels like we aren't watching kids talking via video chat, rather 20-year-olds pretending to be kids talking via video chat. The message of it all is important and validates the lackluster storytelling for the most part though. It's an unsettling, disturbing glimpse of what happens to these kids when they're abducted, only to be found dead later on, if they're ever found at all. Our small gripes aside, he got it all mostly right. Perfect or not, it's effective as hell.

Stop trying to be not 13 years old!
A few of MIM's story elements had us scratching our collective heads *SPOILERS BELOW*

-Megan disappears, and her best friend Amy mentions nothing about the guy from online that she went to meet behind a diner? Not even one casual word about it, even after Megan's mom is on the news talking about how she just wants her back safe?

-Amy doesn't report "Josh" to the Police right away, even though he was the one Megan was going to meet when she disappeared? And when she finally does, she's still allowed online by her parents, the Police do nothing to monitor her online activity, and she just casually continues to video chat (one sided, mind you) with "Josh," even when he becomes abusive and threatening?

-After her best friend goes missing, not only do Amy's parents allow her to continue with unfettered Internet access, but they allow her to leave the house with her video camera to wander the streets alone, and for long periods of time. A 14-year-old girl, with a friend that went missing... and no one says "You aren't going anywhere alone" or "No more chatting online," especially once she tells her parents and the police about "Josh?"

Calm down, girls. He looks like bad news.
-And when no one stops her from roaming around aimlessly, shooting video diaries under creepy, out-of-the-way bridges, she doesn't once get scared that she could be in danger? I'm in my 30's, and I wouldn't be hanging out under that rapey fucking bridge, even if nothing creepy were going on in my life. Even if Amy were naive or ignorant enough to do all of these things, I find it hard to believe that her parents or law enforcement wouldn't step in immediately to make some of these decisions for her. Then again, I can't believe that a 14-year-old girl wouldn't be terrified enough to not want to leave the house ever again when the guy that she's pretty sure abducted her friend tells her "Shut your mouth... I'm watching you." That just doesn't wash.

Some of the goins-on in this movie just made no logical sense to us, but maybe that was the point.

Now, all of that being said, the events of Megan is Missing are all pretty unsettling to watch unfold. The last 22 minutes of this movie redeem most of the film's shortcomings, and prove to be some very tough footage to sit through. There's some terrifying imagery and events that take place, and the ending is simply morose. It's powerful. It shook me, and not much really jars me to the point of actually feeling true dread.

Damn.
Megan is Missing gets an "A" grade based on it's impact and message alone. As a film, it really deserves to be in the "C" range, but the fact that it works so well can't be brushed aside. I'd like to say that all teenagers should be made to watch this movie as a warning, but I don't know. That might be too cruel to subject a kid to, because the movie is crazy intense, and disturbingly graphic in it's tone and content. Changed my mind... make your kids watch this. They may be messed up for a while afterwards, but if it keeps them safe and alive, it's worth it. For Horror fans though, if you like to be skeeved out and have been looking for a reason to never chat online again, this is it.

A

 
Megan is Missing's stars, Rachel Quinn and Amber Perkins haven't really done much acting following their work on the flick... maybe they're off finishing College?


Nice Job Blogger.

Since Blogger sucks and erased the shit I did 2 days ago, I'll have to rewrite the reviews for Megan is Missing and Drive Angry. 8 hours of work down the drain. Dicks. !

May 11, 2011

Scandal rocks THC!

THC's very own "Erin" has been placed on active suspension following her admission of not knowing what Fright Night or The Monster Squad were. You know, the horror classics, that were instant classics when she was a kid? According to inside sources, after being asked "Do you think Colin Farrell will be good in the Fright Night remake?", this is the exchange that took place: "What's that?" "What's what? "Fright Night. Never heard of it." Silence fell across the room. Troubled looks were exchanged between THC members. More silence. Then finally her husband chimed in with "She didn't know what Monster Squad was until we watched it last year either." From the other room we could hear the sounds of their children weeping because mommy broke their hearts. After a saucy debate and some unsavory words, it all ended with Erin saying "Whatever." This is the ugly side of the business, folks. The shameful, deceitful underbelly seldom talked about in polite company. All details regarding punishment and possible litigation are being withheld pending a judiciary review, or until she bakes us some cookies or something and erases this blight from out horror loving minds.

May 8, 2011

I guess it's time that we talked about Game of Thrones

Winter is Coming. Though it is of the fantasy variety, Game of Thrones is still a show that deserves some genre attention from we horror fanatics. It's based on a successful fantasy book series called A Song of Ice and Fire, and author George R.R. Martin sums up the series like this: "Set in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, where "summers span decades and winters can last a lifetime," Game of Thrones chronicles the violent dynastic struggles among the kingdom's seven noble families for control of the Iron Throne; as the series opens, additional threats from the snow and ice covered region north of Westeros and from the eastern continent across a narrow sea are simultaneously beginning to rise." It sounds kinda bland to me, but 4 episodes in and it's safe to say that Game of Thrones is pure bliss to watch. Aside from "The Others" shown at the beginning of episode 1, and the dire wolves, it's been mostly "fantasy free" thus far, but it still has tons to offer for viewers of all tastes. The offerings consist of sex, nudity, violence, profanity, rape, murder and incest. Oh, it's crazy full of that stuff. Definitely an adult show, though we're adults so we say more please. After garnering 4.3 million viewers for its premiere episode, HBO renewed the series for its 2nd season, one day after. One day. That should tell you quite a bit. Not having read the books, we know very little of what's to come, though the things we do know are pretty massive spoilers, so we're going to stay generic on those topics. Here's what we love the most so far about Game of Thrones: Sean Bean/Lord Eddard Stark- How can you not love Sean Bean, especially in a role like this. Eddard Stark is the main character of the show for the most part, and so far he's been endearing and quietly fierce. I'm thinking he will get less quiet pretty soon. There's one spoiler about him we wish we hadn't read, so we urge you not to go poking around online about the books, unless you want to be spoiled. Trust us, you don't. Arya- The youngest Stark Daughter, Arya wants to play with swords rather than dolls, and she's got a feisty spirit. She's one of the strongest characters in the show thus far, and we can't wait to see what she develops into. Jon Snow- Eddard Stark's bastard son, his surname is Snow as is the surname of all Bastards in the North. He's destined for great things we think, and the fact that his mother's identity is such a mystery makes him compelling to say the least. He's a bad ass in waiting, we just know he is. Tyrion/Peter Dinklage- Make all the jokes about small stature that you will, but this actor is massive on talent. Maybe the only Lannister that doesn't deserve a painful death, from his "bitch slap" scene on, you will love him. My personal favorite character thus far. I hope he plays a major role throughout the whole thing. Emilia Clarke/Danerys- If after looking upon this girl's beauty you aren't instantly captivated, you're gay. It's fine if you are, I'm just saying that you're gay. She's freakishly gorgeous, and plays the role of Danerys with a subtle power... she's just great to watch. I love British chicks. The Dire Wolves- Grey Wind, Lady, Nymeria, Summer, Shaggydog, and Ghost -all adopted by the Stark children- are the Stark family Symbol. So far, they have proven pretty awesome, and they get even more awesome down the road. I mean, they grow to be as big as horses, so that has to be awesome. Plus, other spoilery things. Good stuff. The Eggs- What are the eggs that Danerys was given as a wedding gift? Petrified dragon's eggs, that's what. We do wonder how long they'll stay petrified though... The Others/White Walkers- We've only seen them once so far, but wow, we need to see them again. From the Wiki: "The Others, known amongst the wildlings as White Walkers, are a race of creatures that have been recorded to exist north of the Wall. Before the events of A Song of Ice and Fire, the Others had not been seen on Westeros since the end of The Long Night over 8,000 years previous. In the Seven Kingdoms, the Others came to be regarded as an extinct race or simply a fairy tale. Events in A Song of Ice and Fire have proven this belief to be untrue. The Others appear as tall, gaunt humanoids with chalk white skin and eyes of blue so deep it burns like fire. They wear reflective armor that shifts in color with every step, and wield thin crystal swords that seem to give off a bluish hue. They ride corpses of dead animals. Creatures killed by the Others reanimate as undead zombies called wights." So seriously, while everyone is fighting and politicking between themselves south of The Wall, The White Walkers are probably going to be a big problem for them all soon enough... There's plenty more that's good about the show so far, but to list it all would be crazy. It's a great show, sure to give genre fans something to look forward to on Sunday night for the next 6 weeks. Get on board now, and be happy that you did. *TV Guide has put together a great Guide to Game of Thrones here.