Chain Letter (2010)

HUGE SPOILERS within, especially about the ending, so beware!

Chain Letter is a story about a bunch of mid 20's high school students who receive a creepy chain letter via text, stating that they have to pass it on to five more people within 24 hours, or they will die. Sure enough, they scoff at the text and ignore it (but pass it on anyhow), and one by one they start to die in grisly ways... killed by a hulking figure dressed all in black, who seems to be able to sneak around this upscale city escaping any and all notice. Not only that, but he can access homes and schools at will, abduct people, set up elaborate torture schemes, and slowly kill them... as if no one else in town is awake through all of this.

Now, it's odd to me that amidst all of these "teens" dying off that we never see much of the parents getting involved, nor do the police seem to be all that frenzied to find out what's going on. After all, the town in which the movie takes place is the "multimedia capital of the world" or some such shit, so wouldn't you think at least the police would be on the cusp of technology? Maybe there's web-cams everywhere that might catch something odd? Or, better yet, would anyone in town use a smart phone, which are non-existent in the movie?

It sat on the shelf for a few years, so I'm guessing that the film makers have no clue that technology changes about 50 times in that same amount of time where computers and phones are concerned. The frigging movie is about TECHNOLOGY! How can the get that aspect of things wrong?

Nikki Reid (as our final girl), takes about a year and a half to figure out that "something just isn't right here", and she's the smartest of the bunch. She figures out there's something about a cult that hates electronics so much that they feel the need to torture innocent (if not annoying) kids to death to prove their point... which is what? Technology is the devil?


This movie is so loose and haphazard that it's hard to even rip on it. The plot meanders and winds in so many different directions, that the movie never really makes up its mind about what it's supposed to be. We get no answers about much of anything that happens, like who, why, and even how. We never find out who the killer is; sure, we have a creepy teacher, a creepy profiler, and a mongoloid bumpkin that does the killing, but what the hell is going on? What just happened?

The script is such a mess that it really makes no sense to talk about the movie and try to understand what went wrong. Some of the kill scenes were bloody and fun, but really, they were so elaborate and Saw-like that they just seemed ridiculous and out of place. And the genre staples who star in this Like Brad Dourif, Betsy Russell and Keith David? Wasted here on sub par material. Hell, Bai Ling is supposed to be in this, but she wasn't? Whatever.

And the ending? The scene that the whole movie seemed to exist to build up to? A joke. So the hulking "Chain Man" is able to sneak into a house, drag a kid to the garage, chain her up to two cars... that are outside of the garage and facing the street, mind you... without the parents noticing this at all? A town on edge with kids dying left and right, and the parents are oblivious? Before they leave the house, they're watching a news report about the kids being killed, and they don't have any instinct to go check on their kid? Sure they have no reason to suspect that she's gone, but piece of mind is a parents thing, you know? They don't even notice two chains coming from under the not-closed garage, that are attached to their cars? And how clever, they both pull out of the driveway at the same exact time, and going different ways... forget it, I'm stopping here.

This movie is a sad state of affairs for the horror genre. It got a theatrical release while a movie like Trick r' Treat goes straight to DVD. And yes, I always go back to Tr'T in these cases, because it really is an excellent example of exactly how Hollywood shits the bed with most American horror releases.

Unless your horror bar is set really, really low, avoid this suck fest.

Fritt Vilt 3 (2011)

"I'm pretty sure that the 3rd time is not always a charm..."
*If you haven't seen the first two films in the series, you may want to read the reviews for Fritt Vilt and Fritt Vilt 2, to keep up to speed. Then again, if you haven't seen at least one of the first two movies, then why are you watching part 3? Cheaters.

FRITT VILT III (aka Cold Prey 3)
Sub-Genre- Backwoods Horror/Torture Porn

Cast Members of Note- Ida Marie Bakkerud, Kim S. Falck-Jorgensen, Julie Rusti, and a bunch of other Norway people that I can't seem to keep straight in my head.

What's it About?- Set in the 80's, FV III tells the story of the first two film's killer as a child and troubled youth. Yes, it's a prequel and an origin story, and I guess someone thought both were somehow necessary.

Looks so odd without the snow...
Remember in the first movie how we learned that the mountain man killer was buried alive by his parents as a kid because he had an odd mole on his face? Well he found himself a mentor in them there Norwegian woods, and learned him how to kill and gut some animals, and act all creepy. Eventually he decides he'd rather kill and gut him some people instead. That's basically the plot of this movie.

This is not the killer all grown up, this is Santa. From the looks of things, he's about to add another HO to his repertoire... He's supposed to have 3 of them, you know.

A bunch of young, dumb ass kids head into the wilderness of _______ for a weekend of _______, only to find a bloodthirsty killer waiting to pick them off one by one... Yeah, we've heard the same exact plot over and over and over and over again, so just fill in the blanks in a way that suits this film, and we have another cookie cutter horror flick. There really isn't much else to say about the plot.

Don't be pissy about it, you know I'm right!
The Good- Unlike its predecessors, which were slasher flicks, Fritt Vilt 3 decided to go the torture porn route. Did it work? I suppose so, if you like the average torture porn offering, but it played more like Wrong Turn than the first two films in its own franchise.

As a prequel it was decent; it told the back story of the killer in an interesting way, showing us how he got to where he was, and why. As an installment in the Fritt Vilt series, it felt oddly out of place. The first 2 movies were set in an isolated, snowy mountain top location, which added to the tension of it all, in our opinion. The other films also had a strong, dynamic final girl who we couldn't help but root for. I'm not taking anything away from the final girl of this one, but the material just wasn't as good, so it felt as if she were less awesome in a way?

It did have some good kill scenes/gory gags that made us cringe, and if that's really all you care about, then you will enjoy FV III, I'm sure. The girls were nice to look at too.

Dirty girl.
The Bad-The charm of the series kinda died with this one. Instead of being a slasher flick set in the snowy mountains, we get a backwoods horror flick set in the forests of Norway in the summer time... In our opinion, making those changes really took away the one unique thing the first two movies had going for them.

The Downright Horrendous- Why only a quick side boob? There were two really cute girls in this movie, and all they did was tease us. We, the audience, demand gratuitous nudity in our standard hack and slash movies, because we deserve it. It's like a little bonus for us having to sit through retreaded material, and poorly scripted generic efforts. Weak story +no boobs= just not right.

Tease!
The Gory- It's torture porn, so of course there's some good blood and gore to be had here: Various stabbing's, slashing's, and shooting's (shotgun and bow, mind you), and even a cat being gutted. Blood lovers will be happy with this movie.

The Naked- Aside from a naked man ass and a brief shot of a side boob, everyone remained clothed in this one. For shame, Norway, for shame.

What did we learn?- They should have stopped at 2.

The Master Says- C- Nowhere near the movies the first two Fritt Vilt films were, part 3 delivers for the most part if you're in it for kill scenes and blood. The summer setting took away a bit of the charm established earlier in the series, but maybe I just like snow. No. After the winter we've had so far here in Michigan, I think it's safe to say: fuck snow. So I guess then that it just felt more like every other backwoods horror movie that has come along in recent years, and the change of scenery didn't help things. It's worth a watch, but I fear that it wont please fans of the series as much as parts 1 and 2 did.

Final Thoughts- Isn't it good, Norwegian Wood?

Julie Rusti makes me want to move to Norway.

James Franco as the Night Stalker!

Here's a fun little piece of news that fits right in with our Serial Killer Month theme; James Franco is set to play a big screen version of the Night Stalker himself, Richard Ramirez.

Ramirez, one of the countries most infamous serial killers, is definitely ripe for a movie treatment. Franco looks perfect to play him. The guy is a great actor, and he kinda has an odd resemblance to the Night Stalker.

We'll be buying tickets to this one when it hits theaters. What say you?

The Pledge (2001)

The Pledge is a creepy (and a bit of a depressing) movie about a retired cop whom on the night of his retirement party, takes up one last case by pledging the distraught mother of a murdered young girl, to catch her killer. When Mickey Rourke is the Dad of said girl, you just don't refuse, even if you're Jack Nicholson... got it?!?! Don't make Mickey smack you one in the mouth!

So he moves into the country, buys a gas station (seriously), and sets up shop... Jack Nicholson's creep finding shop! He hooks up with Sean Penn's hot, but oddly toothless wife and her kid, becomes like a dad to her, and heads off on an obsessive mission to find the "Wizard", and stop him from killing little kids.

I suppose this is more of a drama than a true thriller, but it's the serial killer aspect of the movie that gives it its tone and drives it forward. Jack Nicholson and his hunt for the mysterious "Wizard" and his creepy little child luring porcupines is unsettling indeed. Nicholson's portrayal of a far-beyond-driven retired cop, who basically finds himself consumed with this unsanctioned "case" he's adopted, is a thing of beauty to see. He still chews scenery with the best of them in this movie. He even tugs on your heart strings.

Directed by Sean Penn and starring Jack, Robin Wright Penn, Aaron Eckhart, Benicio Del Toro, Mickey Rourke, Sam Shepard, Patricia Clarkson, Helen Mirren, and Vanessa Redgrave (good lord that's a hell of a cast), The Pledge is a great film that shows exactly what kind of toll a serial killer can have on those whose lives they affect. It also shows what lengths a man will go to to see his obsession satisfied, in this case, using a child as bait to catch her would be killer.

A- This is a superb movie, that forces a feeling of unease to settle in your bones that never quite leaves. Aside from the ending, which made sens but left things a tad too open for my liking, this is a must see for all fans of serial killers and the damage that they do to their victims, both alive and dead.

Amer (2010)

*Limited and Foreign lease in 2009/2010, American DVD 2011.

I think it's fair to say that Amer is a divisive film. On one hand, lovers of film will bask in its stylish glory, because this movie oozes visual pleasure like few others I've seen. Giallo lovers will also be like a cat in heat with Amer, as it absolutely takes horror fans back to the Gialli favorites of decades gone by, with its music, pacing, color pallet, and not so subtle nuance. Some of it even reminded me of old school Argento.

On the other hand, I can absolutely see how the average film-goer will take issue with its meandering and metaphor riddled lot, utter lack of dialogue throughout most of its running time, and the nagging feeling that they just watched a pretentious art house movie that really didn't accomplish anything.

So which is it? Brilliant or pretentious? Well, it's both.

Put simply, Amer is the story of girl/teen/woman named Ana, divided into three parts; the first shows Ana as a child, the second shows her as a teen, and the final section shows her as an adult.

In the first part of the movie, Ana is a little girl living in a big creepy mansion with her parents and grandparents. Her grandfather dies, her mom is a bit of a bitch, and her dad just wants to get laid. The best part of this section of the film is the shadowy figure in black. Graziella, whom I'm taking it is her grandmother, lives in the room next door to Ana and appears to be a witch. She peeps through keyholes at Ana, put salt under her bed, and follows her around the house, shrouded in black lace, terrifying her. Ana is obviously a terrified kid, with a creepy family.

In the second part of the film, a teenage Ana and her mom walk to the store. Everyone stares at them either like they're a couple of whores, or like they're making rape plans in their minds.

In the final part of the movie, Ana is a grown woman, returning to her childhood home, which now stands dilapidated and abandoned. Another shadowy figure is waiting for her... in the shadows... to follow her around like her own shadow. Shadow, shadow shadow... it had to be done. Things get bloody as Ana does her best to evade her tormentor, but is forced to confront them in a stunning climax of... well, there really wasn't much of a climax.

Amer is a gorgeous film. It's a visual and aural work of art in many ways. In spots, it's tense and creepy. In other spots, it's erotic and dreamlike. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the whole erotic thing... Amer is basically a movie about a woman coming to terms with sexuality, at three different stages of her life. As a child, she learns to associate fear with sex. As a teen, she learns the power she has over men, and isn't sure if she likes it or it terrifies her. As an adult, I'm pretty sure she's a whore, but they never really make that clear.

Amer is also slowly paced and it meanders. The "plot" doesn't ever really go anywhere, just kind of happens and gives you glimpses of things. There's very little dialogue throughout the entire movie, which some may love and some may hate. Amer is also a bit style over substance, which is fine, but in the end it left me feeling a little bit confused and empty. Wanton even.

It also bears mentioning that this movie has about 537 closeup shots of eyes; you know that we do a monthly feature here at THC about Eyes from Horror flicks, so we loved it, but damn... there were a TON!

It has some good blood and gore, but very little of it and almost near the end. It's creepy, but really only in the first part, and somewhat in the final section. It delivers a strong message about sexuality and how events in our life can shape our lust and desire, at least that's what I took away from it. To me, the whole thing felt more like an exercise in visual bliss more so than a narrative driven film.

B+ For lovers of Film, not people that like movies, Amer may be a little slice of heaven. For people who prefer straight forward narratives -or any narrative at all for that matter- this may be an exercise in frustration. I say see it anyway, because it was at the very least, interesting and different.

From Hell (2001)

We can't really have a month spotlighting serial killers without at least one movie tackling the most infamous of them all; Jack the Ripper. Directed by filmmakers extraordinaire The Hughes Brothers, and starring Johnny Depp, Heather Graham and Ian Holm, From Hell is one hell of a great movie.

It's 1888 in London's Whitechapel District, and ole' Jack is out and about killing hookers, because that's his thing. He kills them ruddy 'ores messy like, and mutilates them post mortem, which makes it all the more creepy. Really, he's doing god's work, or must think he is at any rate. After all, there's a certain amount of ego that goes along with being a prolific Serial Killer.

All is going well with Jack's urban cleansing project when along comes psychic police inspector Johnny Depp, who sees a deeper pattern in the murders that screams high level conspiracy. To complicate things further, he falls in love with a smoking hot bangtail named Mary Kelly (played by a smoking hot bangtail named Heather Graham), which makes things all the more sweet for we the audience. Really, the movie could have been 90 minutes of her running around naked and talking in a cockney accent, and it would have been perfect.

The interesting thing about From Hell, is the way they twist the Ripper's legend a bit; his eyes go black when he kills, he's got a definite connection to the Freemasons (who were mysterious and creepy in their own right), and he utters one of the best fictional line I've ever heard with "One day men will look back and say that I gave birth to the 20th Century." God that's a great line. It's so great, I wish it had been a real quote of Jack the Ripper, but his quotes and letters tended to be misspelled and a bit low brow.

The Hughes Brothers are great directors. From Menace II Society to the gone-way-too-soon TV show Touching Evil, they always manage to make their projects compelling and dark, and visually pleasing. Johnny Depp... well, he's just Johnny Depp. He could read the phone book for 90 minutes and make it interesting. Heather Graham is not only a good actress, but she's hot as sin and has one of the top 5 racks in Hollywood history. She's Rollergirl for the love of Pete, so how can we not love her to pieces? Ian Holm, Bilbo Baggins himself, if quite the accomplished actor as well, and he keeps pace with Depp throughout this one, and makes a sinister villain indeed.

If you like serial killer flicks, Heather Graham's boobs, Great Britain at the turn of the 20th century, or just have an unnatural curiosity/obsession about Saucy Jack himself, then you will dig this movie. It's stylish, creepy enough, and has some great actors giving great performances.

They soooo need to make the musical "Saucy Jack" happen.
A All in all, this is a fun and engaging, if not a completely historically accurate telling of the Ripper's tale, and it deserves its place in the serial killer pantheon of celluloid greats.

Bangtail.

The Troll Hunter (2011)

"Oh hell yeah!"

THE TROLL HUNTER (aka Trolljegeren)
Sub-Genre- Hand Held/Found Footage/Creature

Cast Members of Note- Otto Jesperen... is the Trolljegeren!

What's it About?- Essentially this is Norway's answer to the Blair Witch and Cloverfield, except that there's not witch involved, and it's not a lame rip off of Godzilla. This movie is about trolls; not the kind that wreak havoc on internet message boards, but the kind that live under bridges, turn to stone in the daylight, rape goats and eat sheep. People too. Maybe it's just a Norwegian thing...

So this movie is based off of a musical? Who knew?
Long story short, a film crew full of slacker dipshits hook up with, and follow around, Norway's answer to Chuck Norris. Blasphemy you say? No one is as bad ass as the greatest white karate man of all time? Well, his name is Hans, and until Chuck Norris fights a 100 meter tall troll with a flashlight, he wins the title of king bad ass. (Chuck Norris, if you're reading this, ignore what I just said. It's all propaganda for the sake of a movie review. You will always be the king. Sir. )

Fights a 100 meter tall troll with a flashlight... think about that.
There are a bunch of different types of trolls in Norway you see; some have three heads; some are as big as mountains; some look like Gerard Depardieu... and due to something or other about power lines, they have been misbehaving of late. Hans, being the Troll Hunter (more like troll murderer actually), knows the types of trolls, their traits, and their weaknesses... and most importantly, how to kill them... Gloriously.

See that tiny little thing on the ground in front of the troll? That's a hummer-like vehicle with Hans and his rooftop flashlight cannon...
That's basically the plot; Hans and his film crew buddies track a bunch of naughty trolls through the forests and mountains of Norway and kill them. Add in a government conspiracy to keep all talk of trolls on the DL, and it makes for some interesting moments. I won't spoil what happens towards the end here, but suffice it to say that trolljegeren-ing is dangerous work. Also, it smells pretty bad too. It's all about rubbing troll-fat butter on your crotch and armpits... I'm just sayin'.

Gerard Depardieu is in this.
The Good- This movie was so much fun that I'm still smiling thinking about it. Aside from an ending that left us a bit thrown off, we cant remember the last time we sat through such a fun, well made and fresh horror flick. Maybe Trick r' Treat? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Raglefant. Tussealadd. Rimtusse. Dovregubben. Harding. The massive Jotner. There are all kinds of trolls, and they are all over Norway. In the forests. In the mountains. Under bridges. They kinda look like big, smelly, hungry puppets with phallic noses, almost cartoonish. Make no mistake though, they are intimidating and they want to eat you. They feel like something out of a fairytale, but are presented to the audience as a natural predator in such a realistic way, that I'm not entirely sure that Norway doesn't really have trolls. Alright, I know they don't, but it all sure felt real.

As far as the hand-held genre goes, this movie is aces. It feels real. Nothing feels forced here like in so many other hand-held movies. Especially with Hans; he's just a gruff old timer who has a job to do. He hunts trolls. Not one thing about it scares him either, like he's hunting deer, or duck or something. He's a bad ass because he's really just someone like your dad or Grandfather, only he kills monsters.

The movie does a good job of not only keeping you on the edge of your seat, but in letting us know just how huge, imposing and dangerous these creatures really are. It's almost like watching a documentary on the National Geographic channel. They did a great job with the realism on this one.

Hans and his RPG flashlight... the dude is fighting a walking mountain!
The Bad- Where are you going, Hans? You're in the middle of fucking Norway, which is all ice and snow mind you, and maybe wandering off into the desolate tundra isn't the best idea... at least tell us why! He always was a lone wolf.

The Downright Horrendous- The ending. Sure, as a found footage flick you have to expect that at some point the footage has to just end, and abruptly, but what happened? Were they shot? Did the one guy hitch a ride? Did Hans ever finish his hike? Are the trolls doing well? I need answers. Sequel please.

The Gory- Troll piss, troll poop, troll slime (I don't want to know where it came form), sheep abuse, trolls explode, people are rent limb from limb... it's not really a violent movie overall, but the gross stuff is there.

The Naked- Nope. Well, do the trolls count as far as the naked quotient go? If so, then there's all kinds of skin on display in this one.

What did we learn?- People in Norway are tough enough to fight trolls. Also, trolls have penis noses.

The Master Says- A+ This movie needs to be seen by all genre fans, and as soon as possible. It is not perfect. Don't let a great grade make you think that it is. What Trolljegeren is though, is a hell of an entertaining movie that does the hand held genre right, and puts Cloverfield and its ilk to shame. I can't imagine how someone could not have fun with this movie.

Final Thoughts- Did Carrot Top play the nefarious Mr. Wuzzles in Trolljegeren? The world may never know...

F (2011)

F
2010 UK/2011 DVD for the rest of the world

***There are ENDING SPOILERS within, so read at your own risk***

To put it plainly, I really think the brain trust behind F saw Them (Ils), and decided to rip it off a little. I mean it's a bunch of mysterious, hooded kids creeping around a near empty building, scaring people, and killing them, all like it's some sort of game. Just like Ils. Too bad F is nowhere near the movie Ils is.

F is the story of Robert; a teacher at a British College (high school?) whom is attacked by a student and becomes a sheepish coward as a result. It doesn't help hat the school board tells him just to roll with it and not to hand out any more F grades, because that doesn't encourage kids. Yeah. He basically falls apart and becomes a ball of nerves, which I'm guessing cost him his marriage (they never say), and is about to cost him his job.

One night after school, a bunch of hooded kids show up and begin terrorizing everyone still inside of the building. Okay, could get interesting. A revenge flick in the making... but no. For most of the 1 hour, 15 minute running time, we don't get any kind of revenge at all. What do we get, you ask? Well, we get a bunch of unlikable characters doing horribly stupid things, and basically standing around while they get bumped off. Literally.

There really isn't one likable character in this movie. David Schofield's Robert is almost sympathetic, but he's such a sniveling coward that he never really had me pulling for him. His daughter Kate is a snotty brat, who pretty much deserved the smack he gave her about halfway through the movie. The other teachers and school staff? Save for the librarian, whom was actually likable (so there was one), they are all either inept, bitchy, or just plain stupid. No one really reacts to anything.

And the hoodie-wearing chavs? They are apparently ninjas. They jump. leap, climb, barrel roll, and I think fly around the school, absolutely silently, and have the ability to show up wherever they wish, like ghosts. Maybe they're more like cats, because they really do pounce around like felines, and land silently on their feet, and have 9 lives. Ninja Ghost Cats.... that's perfect! You don't really know why they are doing what they're doing, save for seeing a few clippings about how "British kids are murderous animals out of control." they do it with superhuman ninja style though.

Not one person could stand up to these kids to any effect? Are you kidding me? Even the cops are useless when they show up. One gets pushed down some stairs, and the other stands there and watches a hooded figure run at them from the other end of the hallway, and does nothing but get his ass handed to him. It's a joke.

While enduring all of this, I kept thinking to myself, "Robert's gonna snap, and kill every one of these little bastards for threatening his baby girl!" But no. Not even close. Later in the film, when father and daughter are reunited, they just stand there and hug with their eyes closed for a prolonged period of time, despite the fact that there are murderous kids lurking about that clearly want everyone dead. Because that makes any sense whatsoever.

With 7 minutes left in the movie... 7 minutes... Robert starts fighting back against the TEENAGERS. One of them at least. So what happens? Robert leaves his wife in the building to die and drives off with his daughter. Despite the reason that he did it, it was just lame. there was basically no ending, as far as wrapping up the story goes. There was no redemption for the dad like you thought you'd get. There was no rhyme or reason to anything...

Was there anything good about it? Yeah.

It looked good. The chicks were pretty hot. The gore was pretty cool, though it mostly happened off screen, and we got to see the end results.

2 very good things.
That's it.

F is truly an F. Unless you love the constant feeling of frustration, skip it. (F=DO NOT WANT in this case, because it's clever. Because the movie is called F. Get it? Heh.)

Yes Sookie, we agree... fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff this movie.

After.Life (2010)

"Not.Bad"
AFTER.LIFE
Sub-Genre- Supernatural... or is it Serial Killer?

Cast Members of Note- Liam Neeson, Christina Ricci and Justin Long.

What's it About?- Christina Ricci plays Anna; and mopey emo chick who mopes around doing nothing to hide the fact that shes vaguely dissatisfied with her life and her boyfriend, Paul. She even mopes during the middle of tender lovemaking sessions. Worse still than her incessant moping, she's kind of a bitch too. One night, while being a bitch and storming out on Paul because she's a woman and they don't listen to reason, she gets into a car accident and wakes up dead...

See what you get for copping an attitude?
Can you really wake up dead? I don't know, but that's certainly what happens. She wakes up in a funeral parlor, dead and being gawked at by a creepy mortician, who just so happens to look a lot like Liam Neeson. He can talk to spirits you see, which adds even more creepiness to the fact that he likes touching dead bodies for a living, and it's up to him to convince Anna that she's indeed dead. Because she doesn't believe that she's dead. So he has to convince her that she is. Oh, you get the point.

"You're dead, that's why you're moving around!"
The more she fights the idea that she's really dead, the more Liam Neeson tries to convince her that she is, because he wants to help her cross over or something... by the way, she's naked during all of this. Oh yeah. Got your attention now, don't we? Naked and maybe dead, Anna starts to see and experience all sorts of odd and creepy things. Creepy Liam Neeson does his best to help her get ready to cross over (What in the hell does that mean, anyway?), or is he up to something more sinister than he lets on?

"What say you come down in this open grave and we can hug... Wait... Your parents don't know you're here, do they?"
Throw in a frantic boyfriend that beats up little kids, a creepy little kid that kinda deserves a smack to begin with, and a rapey cop who almost bones Christina Ricci's dead body, and we have a good old fashioned mystery on our hands? Sure.

Bea Arthur returns from the grave in After.Life
The Good- Let's be clear about one thing here: This movie is all about Christina Ricci being naked for a majority of its running time. It's a decent enough movie on its own I suppose, though it is bogged by a few issues, but the biggest selling point it has is a scantily clad and naked Ricci. How great is that!

The movie has enough tension and intrigue to keep most people engaged I think, though it did feel at times like a paint by number thriller. Is Anna alive or dead? Is Liam Neeson a sadistic killer or a tender ghost whisperer? I bought into it all, and it wasn't a bad ride to take in the end.

Liam Neeson is always awesome to watch on screen, and he does a good job here of playing both creepy and sweet at the same time. He keeps you guessing. Ricci is a cutie, and a cutie that apparently likes being naked. Fine with us. This isn't her best work, but then again there's not depth here for her to explore.

The best thing I can say about After.Life is that I wasn't pissed off after watching it. Now, that might not sound like much, but trust me, if a movie is truly bad, I tend to feel violated after watching it, and I usually want revenge. This one though was a decent little "Ghost" story, and I'm still not mad at it.

Lower, please.
The Bad- What was with the creepy cop getting off on molesting a corpse? I'm all for kink, but a dead body? Come on man, what is hot about a cold, stiff, beginning-to-rot body, no matter how good it looked when it was alive? Issues man. People have some twisted issues.

The Downright Horrendous- So, what exactly did go on in this movie? Was Anna truly dead and fighting her "crossing over" into the after life, or was she the prisoner of a sick serial killer, and alive the whole time? I know what I think, though I wont say anything about it here lest it spoil things for you, but there are certainly clues supporting both cases throughout the movie. I get confused easily.

Armed with only a knife and rock hard nipples, Anna vows to discover the truth and/or, cut/poke something.
The Gory- Lots of corpse gore in this one, but not the graphically excessive type; mostly embalming, injecting and sewing up things. Normal funeral home type stuff. There's blood, but it all feels very clinical.

The Naked- Christina Ricci is naked in this movie more than she was in Black Snake Moan, and she played a dirty slut on a chain in that one. Sure she's a corpse, but she still looks good sans clothes, even when she's a bit gray...

What did we learn?- Never trust morticians; even if they are decent people, they are fairly creepy and maladjusted.

The Master Says- C+ Despite all of our instincts telling us not to like this movie, we couldn't help but like After.Life for what it was. It was a bit obvious and nearly cliche in many spots, but it was intriguing and engaging none the less. Also, Christina Ricci being scantily clad or naked throughout most of the movie adds to it's stock too. If you like a good horror thriller that keeps you guessing until the end, this one might be right up your alley. Also, you might like it if you love boobs.

Final Thoughts- Christina Ricci is a little hottie, even if she still looks like Wednesday Adams most of the time...

The Flock (2007)

Right off the bat I know you're thinking "Richard Gere?... yeah... right." And who can blame you. Between Pretty Woman, and so many rampant rumor involving gerbils over the years, you have to take his credibility as a tough guy into question at some point.

The Flock though, shows Gere at his gritty best, as a stressed out Department of Public Safety worker who has basically fallen to pieces after so many years of wrangling sex offenders. You see, Errol not only acts as a sex offender probation officer, but he tends to hound them and treat them like animals, and has even gone vigilante on a few of them. With three weeks left until his forced early retirement, he finds himself again forced into something, this time to train his replacement, cute little Claire Danes.

Allison is bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to fight the good fight, within the confines of the law of course. She believes that sex offenders can be rehabilitated, while Errol believes that they're all monsters beyond redemption. She learns that lesson quick enough as they both get drawn deeper into the case of a missing girl, and are forced to delve into the seedy underbelly of the city's rapists and pedo's to find her.

It sounds trite and cliche, but really, this movie isn't that at all. The Flock is a pretty gritty and intense thriller, which shows that dealing with monsters can and most likely will make you become one as well. Gere is great here as the veteran perv wrangler who has seen too much in his day, and he elicits we the viewer to feel his pain. He also elicited me to cheer him on in his creepo vigilante mission, because I'm all for dishing it out to those that need dishing. It being vengeance of course.

This is one of our under the radar faves here at THC; not because it's a perfect or even an amazing film, but because the subject matter is so creepy and compelling, that we can't help but love the dysfunction of it all. Sexual offenders are everywhere, and truth be told, they're probably closer to us on a daily basis than we will ever know or care to. That's not me trying to sound paranoid or alarmist, but the fact of the matter is that plenty of people are into odd, nasty and even sickening things, and most of them don't stay in jail too long.

If you like crime thrillers with creepy underbelly, then this one might just be worth your time.

B+

Claire Danes is in this.

Psych:9 (2011)

PSYCH:9
DVD PREMIERE- Feb. 22nd, 2011

I personally always welcome an opportunity to see Michael Biehn in a new movie. Aliens, The Terminator, The Abyss, Tombstone, Navy Seals, The Rock... he's been in some of the best movies ever! So back when I originally heard that he was in this upcoming creepfest, I was instantly intrigued. Having now seen the movie, can we add Psych:9 to his list of great movies? I don't know. I think this one falls into the tolerable category way easier than it does the great one.

"Come with me if you want to live."
Psych:9 is the story of Roslyn, an obviously disturbed woman who takes a midnight shift job at a closing hospital, to sort the records. She also needs to sort out her life, if I'm being honest, so I guess a new job is just the thing, creepy place or not. As luck would have it, a serial killer also happens to be on the loose in town, and he seems to have a taste for pretty young girls. Maybe he's sorting out his life too. Also just her luck, the hospital she works in may be haunted, or she just might be having hallucinations because she's crazy.

She looks perfectly sane to me...
That's about as straight forward as the plot ever gets in this movie.

Psych:9 spends most of its running time feeling rather confused. Is it a whodunit about a serial killer, making us suspect Roslyn's boyfriend, the Cop and the mysterious doctor up on floor 5? Or is it a ghost story, with all of the creepy noises and occurrences that keep happening around Roslyn? Maybe it's a revenge flick since we see a bunch of flashbacks pointing towards a few people done wrong, and their anger for having been done so wrong. It could be a movie about a crazy chick too, who invents everything in her head to cope with past tragedy...

I'm still not sure.

It has it's creepy moments, and held my interest. I liked the cast and what they did with the material too. Michael Biehn and Cary Elwes are especially good here, as enjoyable to watch as they usually tend to be. Sara Foster plays her part well too, making me feel for her while wondering about her place in things at the same time. As for the rest of the cast, I thought Gabriel Mann was James Spader for about 20 minutes or so, and Winter Ave Zoli is hot. We're partial to her because we love Sons of Anarchy.


So was it good?

The editing was jumpy and confusing, and the plot suffered for it in places. The ending didn't do much to resolve some lingering questions, and that's never a good thing... but we enjoyed it. We could have done without the "daddy touched me" plot device and the quick flash J-Horror style "creepy" moments, but it wasn't as distracting as it could have been.

C A decent effort that could have been great were it just a little more clear on certain plot points. Maybe we just need to watch it again... but then if a movie is truly great, once should be enough, shouldn't it? It's the middle of the road for this one, I'm afraid.

Sara "yum-yum" Foster is in this.