Quick Review: Bitten (2008)

When I found out that Kevin Smith movie staple Jason Mewes (He's the Jay in Jay and Silent Bob) was in a vampire flick, I found myself growing curious, because I'm a fan of theirs.

See, Kevin Smith is snarky and vulgar, so he's right up my alley. As for Jay, he's kind of this skanky, burnout moron (on film anyway) who tends to say and do the dumbest shit possible, which usually ends up being hilarious. The guy is wicked funny. He also tends to bring an this odd likability to his characters; where as you know you should despise him, you end up liking him. It just can't be helped.

She likes him, right?

I got to meet Jason Mewes once. Long story short, I was working in a large retail store near the Menlo Park Mall in NJ, when I find this guy who looks a lot like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob standing in the action figure aisle. I ask him if he needs some help, and he says he needs some Fantastic Four figures for his comic book store in Red Bank. We talked for a few, and he told me if I could get my hands on what he wanted, that I should give him a call and bring them down to The Secret Stash. I'm leaving a lot of the details of this story out, because I'm pretty sure they involved weed and whores, but the point is it was an awesome geek moment for me. This was before Dogma came out, and even back then Kevin Smith's movies were like geek dogma to a guy like me. Many guys like me.

She might hate him.

Anyhow... After watching Red State, I came across this DVD that I had never watched, saw that Mewes was in it, and said why not. The verdict? Even though it wasn't the greatest movie in the world, I'm kinda glad I watched it.  

Bitten is the story of a loser paramedic (Mewes) who lives in shitty apartment, doesn't have a pot to piss in, and just got dumped by his girlfriend. As luck would have it, he finds a girl in the alley who is all bloody and looks to be dying, so he takes her home and tries to fix her up, being a man of medicine and all. She turns out to be a vampire, and the rest of the movie involves an awkward romance, and a lot of asshole people becoming snacks for her. As a vampire flick it's not bad. It's subtle, but it gets its point across. It seems as if it's more a romantic comedy about a vampire than a horror flick, but hey, we can't win 'em all, can we? The thing is though, it has heart, lots of blood, tons of T&A, and Mewes doing his thing, and not sucking in a mostly not funny role.    

That guy gets all the chicks.

Aw yea, yup yup! Just as Cool as Ice captured the hearts and minds of the 43 people (us included) that actually saw it, so does Bitten. Maybe Cool as Ice sucked. Maybe Vanilla Ice can't act. But maybe, just maybe, it's the best musical ever made involving a white rapper. Don't deny it. With ill rhymes and dope dance moves like his, who wouldn't want Vanilla Ice dating their daughter? Sure, you can poke fun at my man Vanilla for his shaved eyebrows, frosted hair, and cheesy music, but you're lying to yourself if you say that you don't crank up the radio every time Ice, Ice Baby comes on. Best guilty pleasure song ever.

Bitten is about forbidden love too, and in many ways, Jason Mewes is like the slacker version of Vanilla Ice. Only less black. Sure, both movies are shameful and "not good," but we love them all the same.

Erica Cox is hot. Also, her last name is Cox... and we looooove the Cox.