And Soon the Darkness (2010)

"And soon, the boredom..."

This is the kind of movie that really bums me out to have to dislike. As a fan of Amber Heard and Karl Urban, it sucks that I have to diss their work here, especially since this movie marks Amber Heard's first gig as a producer. After seeing this lame fest, it might just be her last.

The story is more than familiar, full of the usual cliche's and pitfalls, and horrible plot devices are really all that drives it forward.

Stay with me here...

Two super hot American hot chicks who are hot, go biking through the isolated Argentinian countryside in search of... who knows. They separate from their briefly mentioned "bike tour" for god knows what reason, and rent a room in some small town, for again, some unapparent reason.

One of them is a smart, responsible girl, and the other is a loud mouthed slut. The slut (the poor man's Megan Fox, Odette Yustman) says and does some wild things, insults the locals, and shows poor manners, inviting trouble. The chaste good girl (Amber Heard) tries to keep her wild friend under control, but fails.

After a drunken night of danger and debauchery, they miss their early morning bus (to where, we're not certain, since their on bikes), and decide to go sunbathe in the deep, isolated countryside somewhere. Makes sense. Long story short, the two separate, the slut goes missing, and the good girl runs around acting foolish in an effort to find her.

From this point on, the movie is just about flimsy characters making poor decision after poor decision, and battling a bunch of cliche's along the way; shady locals, shady policia, evil gringo hating latino's, the "is he good or bad" red herring guy... It's like Turista's, but not good. Or even The Ruins, but bland and pointless.

One of the things that always drives me insane in these types of movies, are the moronic characters that always seem to do the most moronic things, and at every turn; Screaming when they should shut up, antagonizing creepy locals, leaving friends alone in the rapey forest of a foreign country, making no effort to think things through and be smart about their actions... all plot devices, and all frustrating. How can you pull for characters like that?

Karl Urban comes off as gimpy in this movie, which is a shame because the guy has played some great roles in some great movies. Amber Heard is hell and gone from her awesome work in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane here as well, which is odd to me, because she tends to pick challenging roles that at least take chances. And Odette Yustman... well her best work is still in The Unborn. Yeah.

For me, this movie is a D, because it's just so frustratingly cliche and pointless. That's not to say it sucks horribly, or that other won't like it, but honestly it's just totally unremarkable. Even though I just remarked a bunch about it, but you know, whatever.

It's a nice looking movie, but the substance just isn't there.

At least we do get to see this...

Buried (2010)

"The idea of being buried alive now scares me as much as jumping from a plane does..."

BURIEDSub-Genre- Buried Alive

Cast Members of Note- Ryan Reynolds is the only person in the film, though Samantha Mathis and a few others do lend voice support.

What's it About?- All there is to say about the plot of this movie is that Ryan Reynold sis a truck driver in Iraq, and he wakes up to find himself buried in a coffin-like box somewhere, that he assumes is the desert. Alone in the box with only a lighter and cell phone, the entire movie is spent with him making calls to various people to somehow get himself some help.

As the movie progresses, and the plot unravels, it looks increasingly like he's screwed.

To say anymore would be giving too much away, and with such a limited array of things a tightly plotted film like this has to work with, it's best to leave the details to your eyes for watching.

"Hey hun, it's Scarlett... I want a divorce."
The Good- "A guy trapped in a box for 90 minutes" sounds like a tough sell for a movie these days, but then again so did "A girl and her autistic brother trapped in a house during a hurricane with a hungry tiger." I'm happy to say that as with Burning Bright, Buried worked extremely well in its limited confines.

This one man-in-a-box show had me tensed up and anxious without ever realizing that I was. At first I thought it to be decent and clever, but as the movie wore on it gripped me hard, as I caught myself about 30 minutes in tensed like I was ready to jump out of my seat and throw a karate kick into the air. You might not believe that such a simple premise can be so effective, but trust me, it is.

Ryan Reynolds does a great job with limited movement or other characters to interact with. It didn't take long for me to forget he was the funny actor, and believe that he was a hopelessly trapped regular guy, desperate to find someone to come help him. This is how you do suspense.

Method-acting goodness.
The Bad- The end. I will say no more.

The Downright Horrendous- **SPOILER ALERT** (Skip this part if you don't want a pretty big plot point ruined for you...) I know this movie made some statements about a few different issues, but the biggest of them all was the way that big business throws the little man to the wolves. So a truck driver is ambushed, kidnapped, buried alive and held for "ransom" somewhere in Iraq, and the head of personnel for his company fires him while buried alive, to avoid culpability and paying out any type of damages or insurance to his family? Infuriating. There was no "We will get you out of this" or "We will take care of your family, don't worry", only "we're going to make up an excuse to fire you, because we can't be libel for this shit." Wow. A strong message, and sadly, a very true one.

The Gory- Ryan Reynolds cuts off a digit, but that's about it.

The Naked- Nay.

Best Line- "Okay, fuck you."

What did we learn?- Don't drive trucks in Iraq. Also, your boss most likely hates you.
The Master Says- A If you want to tense up for about 90 minutes and feel true, hopeless despair, then Buried is the movie for you. I have to say that if you're claustrophobic, even mildly, this movie will probably send you into a panic attack; I'm not so bad with tight spaces, and I found myself a ball of nerves for nearly the entire running time. Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes seems like a lame concept, but he and the filmmakers deliver the goods. See this one asap. If you're so inclined that is.

Final Thoughts- How did that dog get in the coffin!?!

Dead Cert (2010)

"If you like your gangster movies a little vampy, then you're in luck..."
DEAD CERT
Sub-Genre- Vampires and Gangsters

Cast Members of Note- This movie is filled with a who's who of great British character actors; Jason Flemyng, Dexter Fletcher, Danny Dyer, Steve Berkoff, Craig Fairbrass, Andrew Tiernan.

What's it About?- The story revolves around Freddy "Dead Cert" Frankham and his group of crimey's, who live their lives happily in a strip club, acting all tough, fighting, drinking, and speaking in dialects that not even other British folk can understand. It's what gangsters in England do, you know. Gangsters and football fans. The football fans are rougher. Sorry, gangsters.

"Are you taking the piss?"
When a mysterious group of other gangsters make Frankie an offer to buy his strip club, Inferno, he tells 'em to bugger off, and returns to gangstering. They're persistent though, and before long, Frankie ends up losing the club to them, via a not-at-all-fair pit fight. It's not fair a all, because unbeknownst to Frankie and his crew, the other gangsters are really... vampires!

And so are their whores!
When some crazy old Van Helsing-like guy shows up with a bunch of stakes and a crucifix's, Frankie says sod it all and decides that he's taking his club back. A bloodbath ensues. Also, betrayal ensues. Also, also, no tits in the strip club ensues. It's all insanity if you ask me.

"Lapdance?"
Can Dead Cert get his club back and rid his town of the shady vampire menace? Will the vampires make quick work of their gangster rivals, and run the strip club with full nudity? Did Guy Ritchie direct this movie? No, he didn't, but it really all feels the same to me.

This scene totally could have been from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels...
The Good- As British gangster flicks go, not bad. As vampire flicks go, not too bad either. It's not an instant genre classic or anything, but Dead Cert merges two fun genres and the end result is pretty enjoyable.

It's a pretty straightforward movie with no real twists or fresh bits to add to the vampire genre, but at least no one sparkled, right? I mean, not much is slicker than a good Brit gangster flick, or as bloody fun as a good vampire flick, so really, the two elements together just makes good sense. It's not the first, nor the best of the gangster/vampire genre -that honor still goes to 1992's Innocent Blood- but hell, it's a goody none the less.

She so cute.
The Bad- There needed to be a bit more vampire action in this movie. It's really more towards the gangster side of things in this one, and the vamp action doesn't really heat up until the third reel. It's a minor complaint, and maybe more is less, but had they made it a little bloodier early on, this movie could have been classically awesome instead of just good.

The Downright Horrendous- Gangster flicks often have nudity in them. Vampire flicks often have nudity in them. Movies involving strippers and strip clubs, almost always have nudity in them... so with the three combined, where were the boobs, filmmakers? You, good sirs, have wasted the nudity potential of one Ms. Loretta Basey. Live with that one on your collective conscience!

The Gory- It's a vampire flick, so you know the blood is flowing freely in this one. Throw in plenty of bullets on top of the neck biting and staking, and yes, it's all a bit extra wet and red.

The Naked- For a movie that takes place primarily in a strip club, I'm astounded that we get no nudity whatsoever. We get plenty of hot, scantily clad women, but nary so much as one boob. Boob. That's a funny word.

Best Line- "Who's the fuckin' guvnah now!" Lulz.

Um... She is.
What did we learn?- Even gangsters and vampires are polite in England. Also, Craig Fairbrass reminds me a lot of Ray Stevenson. That's not a bad thing.

The Master Says- C+ Dead Cert is a fun Gangster/Vampire hybrid that does enough right to make the watching enjoyable. If you like your average British Gangster flick, hot chicks, vampires, and Cockney accents, then this is the movie for you. Also, if you like seeing maybe the hottest woman on the planet (Loretta Basey), then this movie is definitely for you. Leave me be, I have a thing for curvy British girls. Anywho, check it out if you want a decent way to waste a few hours.

Final Thoughts- This movie has given us one of the hottest girls ever seen by human eyes, Loretta Basey, and we need to take a closer look at her...

More of Loretta Basey...

Because penis's all around the world demanded it, we have no choice but to post more pictures of this sassy British Bird. Plus, good luck finding many pictures of her online. Google her name... it's like a 3 picture tease, unless you dig.

So maybe this is more like a public service on our part...

Black Swan (2010)

"Oscar bait or not, Black Swan is a great movie, and Natalie Portman is a sexy beast... er... swan..."

Is Black Swan one of the best movies of the year, as so many critics seem to be saying? Well, yes and no.

Darren Aranofsky is a great filmmaker, but his movies tend to be too much on the cerebral side of things for most moviegoers, who seem to prefer a good time at the cinema as opposed to depressing thoughtfests. I thought The Wrestler was amazing. I thought Requiem for a Dream was profoundly disturbing. He's the kind of director that I love. His movies always evoke emotion, and they usually have a way of unsettling the audience, whether mentally or emotionally. Plus, he has great style.

Crazy Bitch.
I really loved Black Swan although it pulls one of the movie tricks that I tend to hate; think Shutter Island, The Village, or Haute Tension... that's as much as I care to spoil. Not that I need conventional and straight forward all the time, but I don't like being duped so much. It didn't bother me so much here, but maybe I wanted to see a hot chick morph into a black swan and go on a killing spree... would that be so bad?

It's really the movie about the unraveling of a persons sanity, and how striving for perfection can destroy you. Natalie Portman's Nina is a sympathetic character who strives so hard for perfection, that she actually finds herself becoming a black swan. Kind of. For Nina, reality and fantasy blur together in a mix of blood and physical transfiguration, that in the end becomes a metaphor for obsession. I think. Deep concepts tend to elude me...

I see what you did there.
There are horror elements in the movie, and some bloody moments that made me cringe, but the true horror of the movie runs far deeper that pulling nails from digits and bloody murder. It's a thing of beauty really, and if you don't go into it expecting a monster fantasy tale, then I can't see how most people won't like it. Portman is mesmerizing as the "on her way to crazy" Nina, and Mila Kunis is evil as her friend/nemesis, Lily. As usual, Vincent Cassel is manages to be creepy and evoke my hate, because he plays creeps so damned well. This is definitely an actors movie.

"We should do drugs and make out!"
As with most of Aranofsky's movies, the sexuality is potent and important. In Black Swan, we not only get Natalie Portman Jilling off in the cowgirl position, but she and Mila Kunis have a crazy scissor kiss scene that really will go down as one of the best girl-girl moments ever committed to film. As exploitative as it may all seem, both scenes are actually important to the story (and my pants.)

Good. God.
Good. God. Part II.
Come Oscar time, there's no doubt that Black Swan will be taking its share of bows. At the very least, it's a great movie that deserves to be seen, and not because it seems to be the seasons critical darling. It's good, evocative, eerie, thoughtful, and most importantly, it has some hot lesbo action that will make you smile... unless you're a gay guy or prude. Even then, you have to at least appreciate the beauty of it all, don't you?

Either way, it's nice to see a high brow "horror" flick being so well received.

A Go see it, and enjoy.

Red Hill (2010)

"Jason Stackhouse brings hard justice to the Australian outback... and kicks some ass!"

RED HILL
Sub-Genre- Revenge

Cast Members of Note- Ryan Kwanten, Steve Bisley, Tommy Lewis, and Claire Van Der Boom.

What's it About?- Jason Stackhouse moves to Australia, picks up an accent, and becomes a sheriff's deputy in some dusty, outback town. Pregnant wife at home, he isn't afraid to jump into the heat of the law enforcement battle, and look bewildered while doing so. I mean the guy forgets his gun at home and has to walk to calls... Let's just say that he isn't big on first impressions.

Good job, "Mr. Shitty First Impression!"
When a convict escapes from Australian rules prison, the town goes into a panic, sure that the mad man is going to come back and kill them all. Because he's from there. And, they wronged him, mainly by arresting him for killing his preggers wife. Any way you slice it, the town is screwed, and when everyone starts dying horribly, it's up to Jason Stackhouse to save the day... on foot, and with no gun. True story.

Yeah... so he's not happy at all.
Will everyone in Red Hill die? Will Jason Stackhouse ever get his act together and find a gun or a car? Will a wild panther show up and start eating corpses? Far be it from me to spoil anything here, but suffice it to say that we do get a pretty heroic horse that shows up when it starts raining. Don't ask, just watch the movie.

Buttercup had hell in her eyes, and revenge in her heart...
The Good- Every once in a while a movie comes along that just knocks it out of the park and leaves me smiling. Mostly for me it's porn, but in this case, Red Hill did just that. At its core, the movie is basically a revenge western with some horror touches thrown in for good measure, and it works extremely well within those confines. More than competently made, it had a perfect feel about it, and held our attention until the credits rolled, which is impressive indeed.

Jimmy Conway makes for a perfect killing machine; hell bent on revenge and extremely skilled in the arts of tracking and making things die rather painfully. Most of the movie is tense as hell ad Jimmy essentially "Stalks and slashes" a town full of people, even though he uses guns instead of a knife or an axe, as most killers do in these types of movies.

This is called an "Australian barn rasing." Doesn't seem very helpful to me.
Ryan Kwanten is the scene stealer here. Show stopper even. As good as he is on True Blood, he annoys the hell out of me more often than not. In Red Hill, Kwanten gets the chance to shine and he shows and proves. The kid is a ridiculously good actor, and after seeing this movie, I may hate Jason Stackhouse a little bit less. Steve Bisley is damned good as Old Bill too, as is Tommy Lewis as Jimmy Conway. Both are menacing in their own way, and command the flow of the scenes when they are on screen. Top notch acting all the way around.

The Bad- What was with the panther? I personally think it was a spirit animal for Jimmy, but they left it a bit ambiguous for my tastes. The movie needed a scene at the end where the panther attacked the bad guys with some panther karate, or had a litter of cubs and had to protect them against a lion or something.

That's a big dingo.
The Downright Horrendous- I'm still mad at Claire Van Der Boom for her role in The Pacific. Did Stella really have to be such a cold bitch to Leckie? He lived you know, Stella. So you telling him off because you didn't want to be sad if he died was pretty shitty! Bitch! I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but it's still all too fresh for me...

The Gory- It's a revenge western, so you know that there's going to be gun violence aplenty. Throw in some spear action, and even a gnarly boomerang death, and there's enough blood and violence in this one to satiate our creepy thirst for all things nasty.

It's no joke when a hemorrhoid explodes...
The Naked- Aside from an implied rape, there's nothing dirty in this movie. That's not to say that rape, whether implied or actual, isn't dirty, because it is. Nasty dirty. I was talking about the good kind fo dirty, like naked school girls and sex. So, none of that kind of dirty business made the movie.

Best Line- "We were going to have a boy." Surprisingly powerful stuff.

What did we learn?- Revenge is best served cold in Australia. Also, panthers are real, and they sneak around real good. They will also kick your ass if you aren't nice to them.

The Master Says- A This is one hell of a film. Revenge Western, Thriller, Horror flick... it doesn't matter what you see it as, as long as you see it. Ryan Kwanten proves himself a hell of an actor here, and that he can carry a project outside of the True Blood universe. Well made, full of great acting and a strong script, Red Hill is an Aussie film that deserves some attention.

Final Thoughts- Claire Van Der boom-boom.

If you need any more proof that Uwe Boll needs to be stopped, here it is...

So apparently just making shitty movies wasn't enough for Uwe Boll. Maybe he's on crack. Maybe he's on meth. He might even be on creth (a highly potent mixture of crack and meth.)

Whatever his issue is, he's gone past the point of being a joke, into the realm of "Fuck this guy."

He's already demonstrated that he hates competent storytelling, so why not move on to morbidly obese chicks and make fun of them for a while? Seems like a natural progression I suppose. Seeing as he's tackled the holocaust with Auschwitz, and he's demonstrating that fat chicks are as funny as the Jews are to him with Blubberella, maybe he could move on to an exploitation flick about crippled kids next.

Or...

Maybe he could just make a true statement and set himself on fire, filming it all of course. What a statement that would be, Uwe. You're welcome. I'm an idea guy, that's what I do.

To experience pure, unadulterated pain (and not the good kind either), check out the trailer below:

A Serbian Film (2010)

"I dare you to watch this movie. No problem, because you can take it, right? Well if you really want to show me up, watch it with a date..."

A SERBIAN FILM (aka Srpski Film)
Sub-Genre- Torture Porn

Cast Members of Note- Srdjan Todorovic, Sergeij Trifunovic, Yelena Gavrilovic, Ana Sakic, and a ton of other "ovic's" Check IMDB if you think I'm being crass.... 7 people with "ovic" names!

What's it About?- Milos is the John Holmes of Serbia; he's the best porn star ever, satisfying women left and right, performing at the drop of a hat, popping on command, and doing all of that with an unbridled passion seldom seen in Serbian porn. He's a professional folks. Also, he's hung like an infant bull, which can only help make him better at his job.

Look at that work ethic!
While doing his best to retire from the flesh business, some old whore he used to work with comes to him with a lucrative film offer, and he has no reason not to trust her. Sure, she does animal porn, but she's a sweetheart really. Vukmar, a porn director with an artistic touch, wants to make a "specialized" movie with Milos, and pay him 50 million drachma to star in it. Well, they don't really say how much he's being paid, and I'm pretty sure that Serbian currency has nothing to do with the drachma, but it's A LOT of whatever money they do use. Sounds legit to me.

"I accept your offer!"
Once things get going, Milos is shot up with an industrial strength bull viagra, and set to snorking some hot chicks. He's also made to punch them, abuse them, and cut their heads off... and keep snorking them. Deciding that it's too mean, he tries to quit, but the Serbian Spielberg drugs him some more and makes him do some even nastier things on film, threatening to kill his family if he doesn't finish the film. I think. I don't know, I don't speak Serbian, but he looked like he was threatening them.

She obviously loves this, so just do it and don't feel so bad about it, Milos.
Will Milos finish the twisted film? Will Jeca ever get naked? Will I ever be able to get a boner again after watching this perverted movie? I don't know about all of that, but suffice it to say that I may not be going to heaven after sitting through this whole thing. Yes, I believe my soul is that tainted now.

If this scene doesn't taint you in some way, you may be an alien from a planet called Rape.
The Good- I'm not usually one for the extremely violent films. Guinea Pig, August Underground, Men Behind the Sun, and films of their ilk, just aren't for me. I'm not a pussy or anything... I like watching something like a Martyrs, Inside, or Baby Blues, where I have to look away a few times during the movie and yell "Jesus Christ!" This movie though... I've never seen anything this well made that was so utterly disturbing, in all of my years of movie watching. I'm not trying to over sell this thing, but man it really was nasty business.

First off, the film is gorgeous. Cinematically, it's solid and well made, and has the look of a glossy high budget project. The acting was good, as I truly felt for the protagonists, and truly, truly felt bad for the victims. The creepy, evil fuckers were convincing too.

As far as the meat of the movie, the horror aspect of it all... well, I have to say this movie delivers. It delivers tons upon tons of nasty, bloody, sexual, visceral and disturbing acts of true horror, add for most I dare say it will be far past the point of good taste, if there is such a thing in the horror genre. Most people who call themselves horror fans, will have no clue what they're getting themselves into here. Gorehounds on the other hand, will have a massive boner at watching what unfolds on screen.

Yes, this girl is as young as you think, and they went there.
The Bad- Listen up porn world; it's sex, not art. Sure, you can make it all pretty, write a script (lol), film it in lush locations, and fill it with all of the exposition you want, but at the end of the day it's nothing more than fucking. I'm not a short minded person, and I'm all for high concept ideas, but come on. You wanna make a statement, write a letter to your congressman, but don' t try to preach to me or teach me something while I'm watching a girl take double anal from black midgets in "Ass Me No Questions part 2: The Weeping Gaper" ... it ruins my happy ending.

The Downright Horrendous- *HUGE SPOILERS* Don't read this if you do not want important plot points spoiled for you.

As if the infant porn scene wasn't bad enough to behold, the last sequence in the movie truly had me reeling. Watching Milos fuck his son (the kid was about 6 or 7 I believe) in the ass, and seeing the blood flow so freely because it was so brutal, was too fucking much for me. The scene did its job, but good lord it takes some balls to commit that to film, and a strong will to sit through it. I looked away for a good portion of it. That will be one scene that sticks in the dark recesses of my mind until the day I die, methinks.

The Gory- Is it gory? Ha! It's a snuff porn, and really I can't think of one nasty thing that was not in this movie... we even get to see a guy get stabbed in the brain through his eye socket with a rigid penis... Throw in beatings, rapes, pedophilia, necrophilia... Messy and nasty this one is.

A Serbian vibrator.
The Naked- The movie is about twisted porn, so you know that there's bound to be boobs and butts abound. Most of it is mixed in with violence, liberally, but it's there in force none the less. Unfortunately, some of it involves kids, so be warned.

What did we learn?- Serbia is a fucked up country. Also, never trust the arty director types... they're not right in the brain.

The Master Says- A (9.5/10) Well made, well acted, bloody, nasty, and revolting, A Serbian Film hits the mark in a big way. Now, you may not like the mark it hits, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but like it or not the movie does what a good horror flick is supposed to do; it horrifies. Before you decide to watch it, you really need to understand that this movie is not for those with a weak stomach, the faint of heart, or anyone who is easily offended or disturbed. Watch this movie at your own risk.

Final Thoughts- Poor little Ana Sakic... she's too cute to suffer like she did!