Monsters (2010)

"Excellent movie, misleading title..."

"Alien life forms have spread throughout the southern U.S-Mexico border region leading to the quarantine of half of Mexico. The U.S. and Mexican military are battling to contain the creatures, with a wall stretching along the American border. The story follows Andrew, an American photojournalist helping his wealthy employer's daughter, Samantha, get back to America. Their journey takes them across Central America and eventually into the 'infected zone."

Monsters is a great little movie. If you liked Cloverfield or District 9, Monsters has jsut about the exact same feel to it, which is a good thing in my book, and why I think is has such a compelling appeal. It feels real. It's a glimpse of our world, our normal world, which has been inundated with abnormal forces which pose a threat to our humanity, whether realistically or perceived.

The problem, and basically the only one, with this movie is in the title; Monsters isn't really about monsters at all. There are monsters in it of course, a few anyway, but the movie is more about how we as people live in a monster inhabited world, rather than a group of people fighting for their lives against said threat. There is little external conflict involving monsters, and a ton of internal conflict both between the main characters, and within themselves.

What we do get of the monsters is pretty awesome, and I do think that the minimalistic approach to our exposure to them makes the movie work better as a film, if not a monster/horror flick, but some people are going to feel cheated, expecting a movie packed with action that just isn't there.

Please understand, I think this is an excellent little movie. I loved the hell out of it, and really it didn't step wrong the whole time for me. I can however see how many people may be pissy after seeing this movie, expecting a glut of monsters and getting more of a relationship/characters in internal conflict study instead. This movie isn't for those people though. They should go see Saw 43, and enjoy the hollow, yet visually jam packed spectacle of it all.

Hats off to Whitney Able and Scoot McNairy -Yes, his name is Scoot, not Scott- neither of whom I really knew much about, but did a killer job in the main roles. I empathized with them and cared about what they were going through, and managed to become invested in them and their burgeoning relationship. Whitney is really easy to look at too, and makes me want to go back and check out Mandy Lane again, just to see her have that near lesbian experience with Amber Heard... Yes, everything comes back to hot chicks for me. Stop judging!

And really quick here, why Scoot? It' s hard enough knowing that there's a guy in Hollywood that calls himself McG, and now we have a Scoot? Cool guy, good actor, but come on!

This movie is for film geeks, Indie lovers. People who need more substance and less flash from their flicks. I personally think this movie is for everyone, or at least should be; it has a great premise and setting, characters we come to really give a shit about, some pretty awesome (sparse as they may be) monster encounters, and an ending that made me think, then go back and look to make sure that I wasn't getting it wrong. It made me tense at times, and was scary in that it felt so damn real, and the monsters were so large and imposing. It sucked me in.

Monsters is a subdued Cloverfield, a District 9 light if you will. And while it may be light on the action and monster filled carnage, it's not light on much else. If you don't mind more story than action, you won't have a problem. If deliberate pacing and a slow build up with less of a visual payoff makes you mad, you will.

The Master Says- A (9.0/10) See it now on Comcast On Demand (a month before it hits theaters), or catch it on October 29th on a big screen near you, in limited release. Either way, see it.

Watching her on screen for 90 minutes was not a bad thing at all.

Frozen (2010)

"Frozen will make you afraid of snow, scared to ski and hesitant to play with wolves..."

FROZEN
Sub-Genre- Ski Lift terror!

Cast Members of Note- Emma Bell, Shawn Ashmore, Kevin Zegers, a pack of mean wolves, and a cameo by Kane Hodder!

What's it About?- Frozen is a story about a pack of rather cunning wolves that roam the woods surrounding a remote ski lodge, setting traps for unaware skiers, all in the name of murder! That's right. Let's just say that the wolves turn the table on we humans, voraciously hunt dumb slope bunnies and ski bums, only to kill and eat them in the end. We are the hunters, not you, you glorified dogs! Then again, if we humans are dumb enough to fall for a wolf trick...

Yep, you're going to end up as dog treats!
It's our fault really, we ask for it; we bribe our way onto ski lifts, we decide to go for "just one more run" as the lodge is closing for the week, because it's so rad, we get trapped on the ski lift and piss ourselves, creating a small slick of piss-ice in our pants that makes us even more uncomfortable and miserable... Instead of just saying "Hey, good day man. Let's leave now" when it makes sense, we push our luck and set ourselves up to be hugry wolf fodder.

Did you enjoy your last run? To wolves sure did.
Once we realize were trapped alone, in the sub zero dark, and hundreds of feet off of the ground, what do we do? We cry. We piss ourselves. We argue. We whine. We try to have a threesome that just doesn't work because the guys are "turtling" in the frigid cold. Then, in a flash of pure genius, we decide "hey, let's just jump down." Awesome plan for everyone involved except for our legs; they're the ones who break and shoot through our skin, and then refuse to help us walk... mainly because they can't.

Ouch.
So, with one of us crippled, another piss covered, and yet another scared to shimmy 12 feet across a wire to a frigging ladder, we freeze to death and deteriorate. At night, the ice dogs come, and they want blood! This is what we, as humans, do to ourselves. How can we possibly escape such a situation? How can we respect wolves after they make it so clear that they hate us? How can we get rid of this uncomfortable piss-ice? Don't ask me, I'm actually a wolf, and I don't know your human ways.

Sans sheep clothing.
The Good- How they made a 90 minute movie about 3 people stuck on a stalled ski lift interesting, I'll never know. They pulled it off though, and it managed to thoroughly entertain us. Frozen is a lot like Burning Bright (which we recently reviewed) in that they both have crazy premises that seem impossible to pull off, and yet both films do exactly that, and they do it well.

This movie is bleak, depressing and tense as hell, and we felt spent after watching it. It's not fun to watch if you have a fear of heights either, as I felt my goods tingle and clench up on me far too often as they swung, hung, and fell. Helplessness is the feeling that the movie gives you the most of though; watching three kids slowly begin to realize that are really screwed and look to have no hope of getting home un-scarred, if at all. The movies like this, that are grounded in reality, always seem to resonate more with our fear meters... because this could happen. If it did, it may well play out exactly like it does in the movie. Now that is terrifying to think about.

This is why I always wear my mittens when it's cold.
The Bad- One last run? The ski lodge, which you have basically cheated your way in to, is closing imminently, but you feel the need to go int he opposite way of everyone else; into the dark, lonely, bitter cold woods. Go ahead, take your last run. I'll be right here at the warm, safe lodge, sipping cocoa and not dying. Dummy.

The Downright Horrendous- *SPOILERS* So your friend dies because you're too scared to shimmy 12 feet across the cable above you, to a waiting ladder that's connected to the ground, but later on, you shimmy across in a matter of minutes and reach the ground safely... congratulations on killing your friend, you procrastinating pussy.

NOT better late then never. Not for all of you anyway.
The Gory- Plenty of nasty frostbite and wolf induced violence, and some of it was cringe-worthy. Who knew frostbite could be so gruesome?

The Naked- None. Really, boobs had no place in this movie. I can't believe I just typed those words. Shame on me.

What did we learn?- Don't push your luck. Also, cheaters never win. Wolves on the other hand, always seem to come out on top of things. So I guess don't push your luck with wolves is the ultimate message here.

The Master Says- B+ (80./10) Frozen is a cool (no pun intended) little movie that makes you feel like you're the one trapped on that ski lift for the entire running time, letting you experience a bit of the dread and panic that the characters themselves are drowning in. The best thing I can say about the movie is that it get's the job done while feeling fresh and new. In a horror genre full of stale cliches and gluts of far too similar movies, that's a very good thing. Grab it on DVD when it comes out tomorrow, and enjoy.

Final Thoughts-Cute little Emma Bell will next be starring in Final Destination part 12. At least we get to see more of her on screen?

Suck (2010)

"Stylish and fun, Suck does not suck, although is does fall a bit short of rockin' good time..."

SUCK
Sub-Genre- Vampires/Horror Comedy/Horror Musical?

Cast Members of Note- Jessica Pare, Malcolm McDowell, Nicole De Boer, Dave Foley, Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, Henry Rollins, and Moby.

What's it About?- A lame Canadian rock band called The Winners -yes, that's actually their name- just can't seem to find a break in the music biz. Their songs are lame, they look lame, they're kinda geeky... their only saving grace is the hot ass bass player Jennifer. That's why it's called Suck, because the band really sucks. Except for her.

Suck, indeed.
Luckily for the band, Jennifer is a whore and takes off one night with a fangy, feminine-looking guy, with hopes of getting filled out like a job application, only to be turned into a vampire. I guess that's the price you pay in Canada for being slutty! She comes back to the band even hotter than before, but far too pale and desperately hungry for human blood. That's why it's called Suck, because that's how vampires eat.

She's a messy eater.
As Jennifer turns each band member into a vampire, they become more popular, eventually garnering themselves a record deal. Of course the price for their new found fame is a trail of bodies along their tour route, which no one seems to notice. The band even kills a DJ on air an no one says a word... which makes no sense, because their music still sucks, so why let them get away with murder? Why am I even asking about this? It's in the script. That's why it's called Suck, because the script kinda does.

Oh Henry, you so crazy!
From here on out it turns into a typical "Van Helsing descendant shows up to save the day" kind of flick. Yeah. Can the band kill the master vampire, and escape their vampire curse? Can Iggy Pop talk sense into Joey, the whiny lead singer? Will their music ever stop sucking? I don't know about any of that, but Alice Cooper looks pretty awesome with black wings.

Cooper is God. Well, one of them anyway.
The Good- Suck is a fun movie. It could have been great, a cult classic even, but its lack of action and jumbled feel made it fall a bit short of cult status in our eyes. Some will still call it a cult classic I'm sure, and I can see why they would, but it didn't have a ton of impact and cult classic is a heavy moniker to put on something that doesn't really do much.

Suck is pretty sharp and interesting visually, although it never maintains the sharpness for too long, instead reverting to some cheesy camera editing tricks to add to the "creativity." We were fond of the use of color and tone, not so fond of the whole bobble head/accelerated movement thing.

The cast is awesome, from Dave Foley to Malcolm McDowell, and rock gods Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, Alice Copper... and Moby? I've never been a huge Moby fan, but I have to admit that he was pretty funny in this movie. If nothing else, it was fun to see the rock royalty acting all crazy throughout this one.

This is the funniest guy in the movie.
The Bad- Nothing really happened. I mean, there was a lot of singing, some good funny bits, some blood here and there, but the plot really didn't go anywhere. There is a plot, and it moves forward, but it doesn't accomplish anything. It just felt flat and uneventful. Maybe it was because it never decided if it was more comedy, horror, or quirky indie? Confused, it was.

The Downright Horrendous- The super fast vibrating movement thing. Why do so many filmmakers feel the need to use that trick, amongst others, in their movies these days? This film was visually interesting enough and was a bit ruined for us by the more than occasional vibrating head or stuttered/quick stop motion movement.

The Gory- There is some blood and gore to be had here, though it's all given to us in a fairly tongue in cheek manner. Still, it's there.

The Naked- Though the sexy Jessica Pare has been naked on film before, no such luck here. For shame. Same goes for the pixie-like Nicole De Boer. Methinks Canadian Filmmakers play it too safe!

ME-OW!
What did we learn?- Canadian rock bands kinda suck. Not you though, Glass Tiger. We still haven't forgotten you long after you've been gone. Also, Alice Cooper is awesome. Ditto Henry Rollins and Iggy Pop.

The Master Says- C+ (6.0/10) Suck didn't suck at all, and in many ways was an enjoyable if a flawed viewing experience. The movie is definitely played for laughs more than horror, and it even delves into musical territory every so often, which wasn't all that painful to sit through... mostly. Stylish,. fun and amusing, Suck is definitely one to check out if you like your horror a bit on the quirky side.

Final Thoughts- Jessica Pare makes a sexy vampire. Next time though, be naked.

Machete (2010)

"They just fucked with the wrong Mexican!"

Bloody, comically violent, and just plain all around awesome, Machete is definitely a movie for horror fans. Originally a trailer sandwiched between the two Grindhouse movies for a goof, people loved it so much that Robert Rodriguez went ahead and made it a full length feature. That's why Rodriguez is so awesome; He gets it. He's a fanboy and he makes movies for other fanboys. You have to respect that.

Maybe the best part of the whole Machete project is that finally, after being awesome for so may years in so many smaller roles, Danny Trejo is the lead in his own movie. It's hard for us to think of a guy who deserves it more, so nice job Danny. We luvs you.

Below, we offer 10 reasons aside from the movie's wall to wall action and bloody mayhem that will compel you to go see Machete asap. You really should go. Genre flicks like this need our support, else we be deluged by endless saw sequels and prissy vampire movies. GO!

Check it out:

Reason#1- Robert Rodriguez makes awesome movies. The guy knows what we fanboys want, and he gives it to us without fail every time he steps behind the camera. Spy Kids doesn't count. He also named his kids Rocket, Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon, which definitely ups his coolness level.

Reason#2-Danny Trejo. The guy is the personification of the word badass. Name a movie of his that he wasn't awesome in. You can't! Oh yeah, and he's 66 years old and would still beat your ass with one finger. 66 years old. The guy is amazing.

Reason#3- Danny Trejo. Again. Not only is he badass in his flicks, but he's an awesome guy to boot. The guy loves Pit Bulls, and voulenteers his time to save them and even dig them out of the snow. I saw that on TV, no joke. In a way Trejo and the Pit Bull are alike in that both are percieved as mean and nasty, but are genuinely kind and good creatures. I was going to say sweet or loving, because Pits really are sweet as anything, but it felt like I was gaying out for Danny Trejo a little. I think you get the point.

Reason#4- Jessica Alba. Man or woman, straight or gay, you know you'd fuck her. She can act too. Good lord what I'd give to be that ice cream cone... except for the melting part. That would be painful.

Reason#5- Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to El Jefe mentioned above.) Not only was she Ana Lucia on LOST, but she looked really damn good in this movie. Also, she's hot.

Reason#6- Deniro. Nuff' said.

Reason#7- Don Johnson. Come on, the guy is Sonny "Motherfucking" Crockett for pete's sake, I think it's a cardinal sin not to love him.

Reason#8- Steven Seagal. Not only is it fun(ny) to watch him act, but you can tell by looking a him that he loves ham. Anyone that loves ham that much is alright by me.

Reason#9- The acting ability of Lindsay Lohan. LOL. Sorry, I can't say that without laughing. How does she keep getting work? Oh yeah. The tits. I digress.

Reason#10- Robert Rodriguez's nieces. Do I really need to explain it to you?


This movie has been graded A for Awesome.

Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet (2009)

"Based loosely on a real legend, Blood Night does a decent job at being a slasher flick, but could have been way better..."

BLOOD NIGHT: THE LEGEND OF MARY HATCHET
Sub-Genre- Slasher/Supernatural

Cast Members of Note- Nate Dushku, Samantha Facchi, Danielle Harris, and Bill Moseley.

What's it About?- Taking a look back to 1978 using the wayback machine, we see a young girl named Mary go bonkers and kill her family with a hatchet, earning her not only the nickname of Mary Hatchet, but a new home in the local sanitarium as well. 10 years later, she escapes from the nuthouse and returns home only to kill a bunch more people and get herself killed in a hail of bullets. that poor girl never had a chance, did she?

Boom, headshot!
The night is dubbed Blood Night, and celebrated by the town every year thereafter. It is said that on Blood Night, Mary Hatchet's ghost roams the streets looking for new victims to add to her tally sheet, especially whores and jerks. The coolest part of the whole deal is that her ghost walks around naked. Dontcha just love cool holidays?

As long as I have a gun or two on me, I'd have no problem celebrating "Naked Nut-job Day."
Flashing forward a bunch of years later, we find a group of dumb kids having their annual Blood Night party, and figure it's a good idea to get drunk and head out to the local cemetery with a Ouija Board to taunt the ghost of poor old Mary Pickaxe. Of course the taunting works and she returns to give them a healthy dose of shut the fuck up... which isn't really a bad thing considering that most of them a d-bags anyhow.

Please die. Thank you.
Can anyone survive Mary Hatchet's ghostly fury? Was Mary raped in the Sanitarium, and does that play a part in her bloody legend? Does Bill Moseley really need the money this bad? I don't know any of that, but at least we get to see Samantha Facchi naked. Best part of the movie.

Such a pretty murderess.
The Good- The good about Blood Night? Boobs and Blood. It's a slasher flick, albeit with a supernatural bent, but it does deliver what a good slasher flick should, and that's nudity and gore. It's a bit cliche' and gets muddled in the middle act, but overall it delivers what a slasher flick is supposed to, even if it could have used a tighter script and a faster pace.

It's interesting to note that the movie was based in part on a real Long Island, New York legend. the whole small town dynamic was interesting too, seeing how they treated such horrific events and how so many people made it into a fun thing rather than a remembrance of a grisly night of horror.

We loved the visuals in this flick, as some of the kills were pretty neat and Mary creeping around was kind of... creepy. It's not a scare fest by any means, but Mary made a pretty menacing ghost and her time on screen worked well. Too bad there wasn't a bit more of it.

A retro looking "Ouchie."
The Bad- Hey, Danielle Harris, get naked already. That's right, I said it. Sure you got mostly naked in Rob Zombie's Halloween, but you were all covered in blood too, so to those of us who aren't psychopaths, it wasn't truly hot to see. May I suggest that you take a look at my script for Oral Sex Killer Whore: Mouth of Death? In it you would play a whore who goes around killing both men and women with your tongue via oral sex, to compensate for your painful childhood and hatred of groins. It could be a career maker in the right hands, and I believe that those hands are yours. Make hay while the sun shines Danielle. Call me.

There are so many things I'd like to axe her...
The Downright Horrendous- With a fun beginning, and a fun ending (once people start getting bumped off), what happens in the middle is a bunch of... well, nothing. It's almost as if the movie takes a break to have the teen characters party for a while, talk, and accomplish nothing plot wise, then suddenly it remembers that it's a horror flick and gets back on track. Hell, at least throw us some gratuitous sex scenes to keep us focused, or some blatant plot device-ish murders or something, but don't just lose focus and meander so aimlessly on us.

The Gory- Blood and gore are definitely the main draw of Blood Night. As with most slashers, there's a bunch o' blood in this movie, and some good kills as well.

That is not Strawberry Quik.
The Naked- The gorgeous Samantha Facchi bares all as the title character, picking up the slack for the prudish Danielle Harris. Seeing her naked alone is worth checking this movie out.

What did we learn?- Stay out of graveyards, especially on cursed nights. Also, not all hot, naked chicks are a good thing. Some of them like to kill.

The Master Says- C- (5.5/10) Blood Night is what it is; a slasher flick, and nothing more. If you like the whole slasher formula, there's something in this movie that you'll probably enjoy, though it isn't a great flick overall. Watch it for the nudity and kills, but ignore the meandering pace and plot and you should be just fine. I'd rent it before buying it.


Final Thoughts-I don't know, Mary Hatchet doesn't look so scary to me...

Bikini Girls on Ice (2010)

Had this one pushed the envelope a bit more- with a bunch of nudity and a ton more blood- it would have been a pretty good slasher flick. As it stands, Bikini Girls on Ice is a decent, run of the mill slasher flick, that falls just short.

The plot is full of holes so don't worry about that too much, just suffice it to say that a bunch of hot, scantily clad college chicks are systematically picked off by a greasy gas station attendant in the middle of nowhere. Cliches abound in this one, such as the no cell phone service bit, the usual slasher flick characters (slut, bitch, geek, good girl, etc...), old local guy warning the kids to leave or die... like I said it's all very run of the mill.

Most of the kills are off screen, though we do get to see corpses and blood splashes all over the place, so really, the main reason to see this one is for the chicks; the nearly naked, wet, hot chicks. On a side note, we only got to see one bare boob and a quick lesbian kiss, which feels like a huge let down in a film with this kind of title. Sigh.

It's really not too bad for a slasher flick, so catch it if it's on cable, or rent it if it's cheap I suppose, but most of us horror fans will mostly likely find this one rather tame. If hot chicks are your thing though, you will smile.

Check out the pictured highlights below, for reference sake of course.

Grade- C-

Sassy.
Slutty.
Slutty pt.2.

Bitchy (and hot.)
Always pleasant.
God she's a bitch (but really hot.)
So dirty, and yet so clean...
Way too much clothing.
Aww, Hank.
Internal car ride?