May 25, 2010

Human Centipede... the game!

I-Mockery has posted a thing of brilliance that made us laugh like a fool; a new version of the old Atari Classic "Centipede", only Human Centipede style! If you want to give it a go, and laugh your tail oof, head over to I-Mockery HERE.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

"The new benchmark in "WTF?!?!" Horror Cinema..."

Sub-Genre- Body Horror/Mad Scientist
In Attendance- Me, Erin, Vanilla Gorilla, and Lori. Nick was not allowed.
Cast Members of Note- Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura.

There's really no other way to say this and remain polite about it, so here goes... this movie is about two hot chicks and an Asian dude going ass-to-mouth. It's not the happy kind of ATM that you see in your average Porn movie either, no, this version of ATM involves a surgical procedure, some strong thread, hate, a loss of appetite, and tears. Plenty of tears.

That's actually rain. The tears come later.
Lindsay and Jenny are two hot, dumb, annoying, typical American bimbos who for some reason are on vacation and looking for a party in Germany. Naturally, the best way to find a party in Der Hinterland is to drive the back roads and hope for the best. A huge lack of brain power and one blown tire later, the girls find themselves on a long walk through the dark, creepy woods, where they happen upon the house of the creepiest doctor that has ever lived. Surely, he will call them a cab, right?

"Nein! Es wird kein Taxi für Sie geben!"
Herr Doctor, you see, has a plan; in honor of his hatred for mankind, and his disturbingly creepy love for his "sweet 3-hound", he decides to drug the girls, throw in an Asian guy, and sew them together, ass-to-mouth, to create the world's first Siamese Triplet. This will hopefully change the human genetic code forever, since humans suck I guess? How insane do you have to be to even conceive such an idea, let alone try to bring it to life?

Take a second and look at the drawing in this picture, and think about what is really going on here. It's like he's making a human shit train!
From here on out, the movie goes to a places that made even me nervous. Will the Human Centipede learn to work together, and make it up the stairs? Will there be an "Angry Dragon" (Google that, but be warned that it's nasty) involving poop? Does the middle section of the centipede truly have it worse that the caboose? I don't know about all that, but I'm dying to find out how they're going to pull off a sequel.

Why so serious?
If nothing else, this movie delivers on the simple promise of any good Horror movie; it was horrifying. We were all pretty uncomfortable watching The Human Centipede, and more than once we found ourselves looking at each other instead of the nasty shenanigans that were happening on screen... and we love our blood and gore. This movie really took blood and gore to a different level though, and at times was a tough watch.

Martyrs, Inside, Baby Blues, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer... these movies all left us feeling dirty and disturbed in the past, but I dare say the residue of this movie feels worse. The concept in and of itself is insanely disturbing, as well as pretty damned original, and the execution is stark and intense, even alongside the elements of black comedy which are present. When I say black comedy, don't get me wrong, this one isn't played for laughs at all. You can see a bit of nasty wit here and there though. 

The Human Centipede makes a crawl for it!
I have to give mad props to the actors in this one too. First and foremost, Dieter Laser does an amazing job at playing the insane and uber-creepy Dr. Heiter. His eyes alone have so much intensity that had he not spoke at all, he would have still been unnerving. As for the three actors who made up the Human Centipede (Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura), to even sign to play roles like this earns my respect. I even dare call them brave. Naked and attached to each others asses... that's got to mess with your mind a bit.

So, dumb American bimbos, not only do you drive the back roads of rural Germany in search of some happening club, leave the main road and tread through the creepy forest in the dead of night after you get as flat tire (that you can't figure out how to change), but you enter the house of a guy who may be the creepiest person that has ever lived, and don't take the 523 hints that he drops telling you to run away as fast as you can? You kinda deserve what you get. Bimbos.

At the moment when the head of the Human Centipede, Katsuro, yells " I have to shit!" in Japanese, I swore off of food for three days. After seeing what came next, I changed my mind and decided to make it five. I'm still not eating peanut butter or deviled ham.

Faces sewn to buttholes, faces ripping away from said buttholes, oozing infections, anal blood licking, mouth pooping, surgical procedures, gun violence... this movie is absolutely not for the squeamish.

We get to see Ashley and Ashlynn fully naked, but the creepiness of this film wouldn't allow me to enjoy it at all. We also get to see Dieter Laser's goods, which hindered my libido even further.

This is Ashlynn Yennie, she brings up the rear.
"Feed her!" Ugh.

How many times do I have to say it... stay the hell off of the back roads of Europe! Also, all German Doctors are inherently creepy.

I may never want to watch it again for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a great movie, or that Horror fans everywhere shouldn't see it for themselves. It's a nasty one, full of all sorts of disturbing images and ideas/ideals that will most likely burn themselves deep into your subconscious, and randomly haunt you or make you gag as long as you may live... but at least it was original, fresh, and delivers the Horror goods. Catch it now on VOD if you can.

A

This is Ashley C. Williams, and I would be a part of her Human Centipede any day. Not really, but she's hot enough to at least make me lie and say that I would. Maybe we could form a "Pucker-Ring Porcupine" or a "Meat Curtain Llama" or something instead. I'm pretty open-minded.
 

May 16, 2010

DO NOT WANT- The Final (2010)

Here's a story about a bunch of High School losers that are tired of getting picked on by the cool kids, so they decide to throw a party to get some good old fashioned torture-revenge on them.

At the point when, in an attempt to be quirky or reverent, one of the killers sits down and starts playing the banjo while another of them tortures one of their captives , I nearly threw my TV out of the window.

It was bad enough that what had come in the 45 minutes before that point was poorly written, poorly acted, and just plain sucky, but a character sitting and merrily play the banjo while they ripped off the acupuncture scene from Audition was just painful to watch.

 It starts off lame, gets lamer, get frustrating, moves into ridiculous territory, and about halfway through it becomes obvious that there wasn't a bit or thought that went into the writing of or the production of this movie. Maybe if they had a few actors with experience or a better script, it would have been tolerable instead of cringe-inducing.

The psychopathic geeks even try to kill the one cool kid who stuck up for them and was nice to them... he even got in a fight for their honor, and yet they decide he's expendable too. At least he survives. He was the only one in the movie that didn't suck.

The characters in this movie were so one dimensional and cliche that it's laughable. Now, I don't want to blame the actors for dropping the ball here (which I think they did), because maybe the Director wanted them to over-act and suck, but most of the performances here were just bad. For example, I actually watched the scenes that involved the "cool girls" with my face in my palm for the most part, because I couldn't believe what I was seeing...

"I'm not going to the party, I like, don't feel good and stuff."
"You have to go. All you need is some alcohol and some sex!"
"Fuck yeah bitch! Woo, party!"
"We're so hot!"
"You know it bitch!"

I'm paraphrasing, but that's pretty close to how one scene went down. Really.

I'm not even going to get into the fact that the movie seemed to glorify outcast School Kids killing their classmates because they feel so alone and wronged, but in the wake of real life incidents like that in U.S. Schools over the past decade or so, it just seems in poor taste to me.

It's all just so cliche and cheesy... the kids parents all either neglect, ignore, or fail to connect with their children which prompts them to withdraw into their own dark loneliness and hatch a violent revenge plan... I'm sure the filmmakers made this movie as a cautionary tale, but to me it came off more as a "Yeah, kill the cool kids!" thing, which just felt wrong. 

Plenty of other Horror sites gave this one a good/decent review, and I just don't get it, as it's the weakest of this years AD Horrorfest lineup. Maybe I'm getting it wrong, but I can't recommend you do anything but avoid this one.

May 12, 2010

Dark Night of the Scarecrow FINALLY coming to DVD!

This movie is not only an old school classic, but it's been one of horror's biggest MIA titles, never having appeared on DVD... until now! Via IMDB: A retarded man is unjustly accused of attacking a young girl. Disguised as a scarecrow, he hides in a cornfield, only to be hunted down and shot. Later, after it is revealed he saved the girl from a vicious dog attack, members of the search posse are killed by a mysterious scarecrow. Originally a made for TV movie, this flick has become one of the biggest cult classics of the horror world, and I for one can't wait until I can finally own it this fall.

May 11, 2010

Tony (2010)

"A bit underwhelming, but creepy none the less..."

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1120945/
Sub-Genre- Serial Killer
Cast Members of Note- Peter Ferdinando, Lorenzo Camporese, Frank Boyce, and Lucy Flack.

Tony is an mousy, socially-awkward, creepy British guy who gets picked on and pushed around an awful lot. He brings it on himself, being a shut-in welfare-leeching loner, who watches old 80's action movies and has no social skills whatsoever, but still you have to feel for the guy. Maybe just a little bit.

He does that for hours sometimes.
Most of his days are filled with watching some Chuck Norris movies, cruising gay bars and killing leather bears, befriending random drug addicts, creeping hookers out, talking to neighborhood boys, getting beat up, chopping meat, leeching off of Government money, drinking plenty of squash (whatever the hell that is), and getting beat up. He was obviously not hugged enough as a child.

So that's really it as far as the story goes. I guess that the audience is supposed to wonder things like will get the job or won't he, did he kill the kid or not, or does he go to leather bear night at the Pink Pucker Hole regularly, or just when he's in the mood, but who really cares.

What is in those bags?
This is a very subtle movie. Raw, unnerving, disturbing and quiet, Tony reminds me an awful lot of the 80's classic Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer... except that Tony was nowhere near as engaging or disturbing, though it did give it the old college try. The movie meanders along, showing us things that happen, but it never quite ties together in a cohesive plot. As a glimpse into the life of a killer, it's aces. As a story about a killer, what he goes through, and he or the story reaching some sort of pinnacle or resolution, it's a bust.

The ending fell a bit flat and left me fairly unsatisfied. It made sense, and I get why it ended like it did, but I guess I kept waiting for some kind of big payoff, and I never got one. Then again, the whole movie didn't have much of a plot.

Am I crazy, or did this movie have a mildly homophobic streak running through it? More than once Tony trolled the neighborhood Gay Nightclubs, brought a guy home, and ended up doing him in as if to say "they had it coming to them. " It's probably just that the character himself has some unresolved Homosexuality issues, but it just felt harsh to me.

And for the record, the Devil is a top. Always. Never forget that.

Told ya so.
There isn't much, but what we do get is stark and morbidly creepy. The disposing of the bodies is especially realistic, and made me swear off of chopped meat for a while.

Other than a shirtless leather bear in bed, and a scantily-clad hooker, we get none of the naked goods.

It's always the quiet ones. Also, don't pick on the quiet ones.

I guess I was expecting more from this one, and it's probably my own fault that I didn't love Tony like I thought I would. It was good, it hit the right chords as far as being creepy and disturbing, but it felt so understated to me that it lost a lot of the impact that I believe it could have had. I'd call this one a missed step or two from being a modern day classic. For shame. Still, it's absolutely worth a look, so do yourself a favor and check it out on DVD.

C+

Do random television checks actually happen in England? Do they actually give out citations to appear in court if you don't have a license for your telly? I don't believe it...

Well I'll be damned...

May 10, 2010

Some posters that intrigue us...

With so many horror flicks out there, it's hard to know what to take a chance on (we get confused easily.) In most cases, aside from reviews and buzz, it's the poster/box cover that arouses our curiosity and sucks us in. Here are a few that have been arousing us lately... Vampegeddon- This movie looks more like Whore-geddon, and we likey. Chloe- Who cares what the movie is about... look at that face! Especially those soft, supple lips. And if you are familiar at all with Amanda Seyfried, you know she has groovy boobs too. Plus, Liam Neeson instantly makes any movie he's in better, so we must see this movie. Bottomfeeder- The retro feel of this poster makes us smile. The fact that it's by the creators of Black Devil Doll makes us wonder if it will be anything more than mildly amusing, cheesy schlock. Babysitter Wanted- Sold! Splice- That's a great looking, clever little poster. We can't wait to meet Dren on June 4th. I Spit on Your Grave- Yay, another remake of a classic (that's debatable) 70's horror flick. Awesome poster, but I have a feelig this will be far less satisfying than last years Last House on the Left remake was...

A quick lil' word about Vertige (2009/2011)


When I first saw the trailer for Vertige, I don't know why, but I somehow got it in my head that it would be like The Descent but on a mountaintop. I could swear I remember them getting to the top of an isolated mountain and finding some Descent-like creatures waiting for them, and having to fend them off. They so could have called it The Ascent to be clever... 

I see what you did there.
Anywho, I was wrong. Vertige (The Ascent) was about a group of smarmy French kids who drive to Croatia to climb a dangerous mountain, because they're idiots. Of course they can't just climb, have a laugh and go home... no. They have to enter the Forbidden Zone and take the climbing trail which was "closed for repairs," which of course lands them in all sorts of trouble, mostly involving some Mutoid Croatian Mountain Cannibal-guy, and of course, gravity. Murder ensues.

Mon Dieu!
The first half of this movie was breathtaking, showing us all sorts of death-defying mountain climbing in a gorgeous locale, all with perfect scenery. Where the movie loses it, aside from the characters being morons, is once the "killer" shows up and starts picking them off, one by one. It has all been done before, and better, and just felt a bit uninspired. The killer himself looked a little too plain, which I guess is more realistic plot-wise, but it kinda sucked. There was some decent gore towards the end, but the best part of the movie was really everything to do with the climbing itself.
Gorgeousness and beautifulosity.
It wasn't bad, but I'm not sure I'd make the stretch and call it good. If you like the average Backwoods Cannibal stalk-n-slash flick, then you will most likely dig this movie. If you get tired of the same old thing, skip it. I also think that anyone who truly loves mountain climbing would loves this movie, especially in the early going. 

The first half of the movie and it's grand visuals, A
The second half of the movie and it's trite, overdone storyline, C- 

In parting, I have to say that Fanny Valette is pretty hot, aside from her name being Fanny. It would be perfect though, if her name was Fanny Melons. That's funny because she has a nice butt and boobs.