The last DVD Tuesday of the decade!

At least 2009 goes out in style, giving us a few DVD goodies to send it off with. From best to worst, here are this week's notable releases.



9 is an excellent little animated post-apocalyptic flick, that you need to see. Keep in mind that it might give the kids nightmares though before letting them watch it, which I totally support, so give it a go!

Paranormal Activity may be the highest profile horror release of the year thanks to its genius marketing strategy. Though it may not be the scariest thing you've ever seen (as its been billed), it's definitely creepy and worth a watch. Alone, and in the dark of course.



Carriers was another fun little post-apocalyptic movie, that was better than I expected it to be. Plus, I really like the hot chick from Everwood, so it was destined to be a movie that I liked.

Vampire Killers aka Lesbian Vampire Killers... Why the title change? Seriously America, are we to the point where a frigging movie title is going to get people to whine and picket? It's a dumb horror comedy that involves lesbian vampires being killed, so can't we just call it what it is? Geesh.



Jennifer's Body sucked for the most part, save for the slick texture of it all, and the hot chicks making out with each other, and you can thank Devil Coby for said suckage. Watch it on mute, and you may actually enjoy it.

And finally we have A Perfect Getaway, which underwhelmed me, but wasn't all that bad. Confusing, I know. Rent it maybe, but don't expect much.


So until 2010, see you in 2010! That didn't make much sense, but you get the gist.

Skjult (Hidden) (2010)

"I wanted to like this movie, but in the end it left me cold and indifferent..."

SKJULT (HIDDEN)
Sub-Genre- Supernatural/Backwoods Horror

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Kristoffer Joner, Cecile A. Mosli and Karin Park.

What's it About?- Kai Koss ia a creepy guy with an even creepier past; it seems as if his evil old mom used to lock him in a secret room in the basement, torture him and... well, torture him. After years of said abuse, Kai escapes his dungeon home, runs through the woods, and kills another kids parents. The kid runs off into the woods, and falls off of a cliff, making Kai responsible for his death too. Or was he?

"Give mommy a kiss!"
Years later, Kai is called to the morgue to identify the wizened old corpse of his mom, and bid her good riddance. He gives her a creepy, lingering kiss, she jump scares him, and he runs. He heads back to his old family home, presumably to close it up and sell it, but instead comes across a creepy ghost that like to play dodge ball with him. Naturally, instead of running like the wind, he stays and looks around the poorly lit house saying things like "who's there?" and "are you there?" Who wouldn't do the same?

Screw that noise, I would leave.
Soon enough, people start going missing in the woods around the house, prompting the police to start a manhunt and look at Kai for the creepy s.o.b. that he is. Or might be. Did something more sinister and "hidden" happen to the little boy in the woods that night? Is Kai Kross insane? Will anyone remember this movie after seeing it once? Yes, yes, and not likely.

"You, sir, are an f'ing nutjob."
The Good- Skjult (Hidden) is a suspenseful, creepy little movie that delivers the visual goods and mood in spades. It's beautifully shot and edited, making the skin crawl just by the way the scenes are set up and unfold alone. he acting is a highpoint here as well, with Kristoffer Joner and Cecile A. Mosli (both stars of the equally creepy Naboer) doing a solid job of making you believe/feel what is unfolding on screen.

The Bad- As gorgeous as this film is, I was sadly let down by the bland story and obligatory twist at the end. It absolutely gripped me in the early going when I thought it was a ghost story, but then lost me when it changed gears and became an "alone in the woods" stalk and slash movie instead. I think that movies like this tend to out-clever themselves instead of playing it straight, which only hurts the film's good points in the end.

Q- I that his mom, or is he nuts? A- Yes.
The Downright Horrendous- Jump scares? Really? With all of the attention to atmosphere and mood that the filmmakers put into this movie, why in the world would they ruin it all with cheesy, lame jump scares?

The Gory- We get some blood and gruesome images, but Skjult is filled with far more jump scares than it is good kill scenes. For shame.

The Naked- No.

Next time what say you lose the shirt.
Best Line- Sorry, don't speak Norwegian.

What did we learn?- Norwegian forests are very dangerous. Also, I really am starting to despise twist endings.

The Master Says- C (5.0/10) Everything was great about this movie except for the story, which really makes the whole thing not so great. It's not a bad movie going experience, just one that made me roll my eyes and walk out feeling unsatisfied and a bit bummed. When it hits American theaters in January as a part of this years AD Horrorfest, I have a feeling that many of you will feel the same.

Final Thoughts- Naboer was a better Norwegian horror flick, and it wasn't really a true horror flick.

The 10 Best Movies of 2009- 1-5

#1- Trick r' Treat- Yes I know, this movie was made a few years ago, and other horror sites named it as one of their best back then, but it wasn't released until this year, so shush. I can't remember the last time that a horror flick captured me, enraptured me, and left me wanting more, more, more like TrT did. Don't just take my word for it either; everyone in the club, and everyone that they made watch it, raved about it just as much. TrT captured the essence of Halloween and all of its atmosphere, and took us on a clever and near perfect journey through it all. I don't know that I've ever seen a movie that captured the spirit and atmosphere of Halloween this well, and it instantly becomes mandatory yearly watching for the creepy month of October. I hesitate to give a movie a 10/10 score, because to me that implies a sort of perfection, but after watching this movie, I had no other choice. Ignore the few internet naysayers that will say "it was OK" or "it didn't come close to living up to the hype", and own this movie. Own it and love it. Unless of course you don't like awesomeness, then feel free to ignore this one altogether.


#2- Zombieland- I have one thing to say, and one thing only: any movie that plays For Whom the Bell Tolls over the opening credits is aces in my book. Ok I lied, I have more to say... This movie is fun as hell and, aside from the annoying actions of the main chicks throughout most of the movie, is easily one of the best of the year. Woody Harrelson is brilliant as Tallahassee, the zombie-ass kicking southern boy with a penchant for awesome one liners. I mean no disservice to the other actors in the movie, but he carried this one on his back, and even pressed it over his head a few times. Everyone else performed admirably too, but Woody definitely stole the thunder. As horror comedies go (especially of the zombie variety), dare I say this is better than Shaun of the Dead? That's totally up for debate but it is absolutely as good, if different, and I can only pray that we get a sequel at some point. See it, and if you already have, see it again.


#3- The Children- The best creepy kid movie I've seen in ages belongs to the British. Dread and unease permeate this movie and never really seem to let up, and are eventually joined by some vicious violence and gore; when mixed together, they basically have a square dance on your nuts until you end up hiding in your closet and crying like a small child. Ok, I may be exaggerating just a bit, but this is one taxing movie, and that's no joke. This movie is profoundly disturbing, and left me feeling a bit numb at the end. Only bits and pieces of the reasons for the children turning on their parents are given to us, and maybe that's the worst part. Actually, the worst part is probably the fact that 6 and 7 year old kids are hell bent on killing their parents. The ending was one of the best I've seen in quite a while too. It came out of nowhere, and chilled me to the bone. It also left me with questions which I wish I had definitive answers too, but hey, at least it made me think.


#4- Drag Me To Hell- A return to horror form for Sam Raimi, Drag Me to Hell is jsut a hell of a lot of fun to experience. I love the dry wit on display here, as too many Hollywood horror flicks seem to forget to be fun these days; the "we used to have a cat" bit kills me every time I see it. The look on Alison Lohman's face is just priceless. Even the ending goes against popular convention in some ways, which I loved. This movie definitely reminds me of campy 80's horror; It's fairly linear, over the top, a bit tongue in cheek, creepy, gross, tension filled, and we know exactly where it's going and we can't wait to get there with it... or rather for the movie to take us there. Aside from "the fire dance" and one obvious plot twist (you'll see it coming from miles away), this movie made me smile the whole way through. Unfortunately, it didn't kill at the box office as I had hoped it would, but it looks really good on Blu-ray. If you haven't seen it yet, go grab a copy on DVD or add it to your Netflix que now. I promise it's fun.


#5- District 9- This one really isn't a horror movie per-se, but as a genre picture it has to be counted on even horror lists as one of the years best. What Peter Jackson and Neill Blomkamp pulled off here with the tiny budget of around $30 million is nothing short of pure genius. Gorgeous, action packed, bloody, messy, and engrossing, D-9 reminded me that sometimes the good guys can win, and that smart, well made movies can stand far above their dumber, more expensive popcorn flick brethren, and shine brightly. Heart and soul count, and this is one crazy movie that delivers those goods while kicking your ass at the same time.

The 10 Best Movies of 2009- 6-10

As many films as there were this year that could be, or deserve to be in our top 10, we had to pick just 10, so here they are...


#6- Acolytes- Something about this Aussie thriller just stuck with us, and me in particular. Visually the movie is stunning, the characters are believable and likable (though sometimes absent minded), and the concept is interesting and keeps you guessing. Oh, and it's pretty creepy too. Some have said that the beginning half of this movie dragged a little, but I beg to differ; the first half of the movie seemed to me a meditation of sorts on teenagers, in which sexual angst and troubled pasts are set up to play an important role in what comes later. Good stuff. Ever since Wolf Creek, I've been impressed with the horror/thriller scene coming from down under, and Acolytes only serves to strengthen my resolve.

#7- Dead Snow (a.k.a. Dod Sno)- I love this f'ing movie. I can't remember having this much fun watching a horror flick in a long time. Its tongue in cheek nature is reminiscent of Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, or Shaun of the Dead in a way, because it mixes humor and horror so well. I liked the over the top action too. From the foot stomping at the edge of the cliff, to the zombie wake up call scene, it's almost melodramatic in its mechanics, but it works. A machine gun mounted on a snowmobile? Count me in! How can you not love a bunch of Nazi zombies terrorizing innocent Norwegian people?

#8- The Last House on the Left- Wow, a remake that was really, really good for a change... what a nice change of pace. I'll admit that there's one scen at the very end of the movie that felt a bit out of place to me, but aside from that small thing, LHOTL is a nasty little piece of remake bliss. Dennis Iliadis directed the hell out of this movie, and he has a bright future ahead of him. He created a dark and foreboding atmosphere, and made the story believable. Most American-made horror films fail to reach this level or craft and realism anymore. Kudos my good sir.

#9- Orphan- I went in to Orphan thinking that it would be just another in a long line of cookie cutter, PG-13-ish, typical Hollywood messes, that didn't get the point of being a horror movie and wouldn't go for it, but I was wrong. Orphan didn't play it safe at all, and in fact, pushed the limits of disturbing quite often. To say that I was surprised with some of the places that this film went would be putting it mildly. This is also a gorgeous film too look at; the camerawork capturing the mood through sparse winter landscapes which always make for a gorgeous setting. I'm a sucker for a snowy setting, what can I say?

#10- (It's a tie!)- Sure, something about claiming a tie cries cop out to me, but we have more than enough love to go around. Come on, it's Christmas time!

Antichrist- This is a film that I will have to meditate over for some time to come. Was she evil? What happened to her in the forest with her son? Is this movie a misogynistic bash on all of woman kid? I have no answers, but I will be thinking on it for quite some time. This film is unbelievably gorgeous, and ridiculously so. Each of the chapters has its own look from monochrome to black and white, and is just something special to behold. With Antichrist, Von Trier captivates visually even if he manages to lose some of his audience thematically. Is this his masterpiece? I don't know, but it sure feels to me like it may be.

Killer Movie- This was a pretty damn good slasher flick; it's typical, and doesn't even come close to breaking any new ground, but it's smart, witty, and a good old fashioned fun time in your DVD player. I love how the smart script had just the right mix of humor and horror to make it seem fresher than most movies of its kind, especially those of late. Slashers can be fun and still work, and this movie reminds us of that.

The 10 Best Movies of 2009- Before the top 10

While not every movie can make the best of 2009 list, there were plenty of movies that deserve their share of mention and praise. Some were fun, some were creepy, some were really good, some were enjoyable despite their flaws.

(Once again keep in mind that many of these movies may have been made/released in other countries, or had festival screenings prior to 2009, but they weren't released proper until this year.)

The Good:
The Road, Paranormal Activity, The Collector, Grace, Friday the 13th, Pandorum, Pontypool, Home Movie, Sauna, I Sell the Dead, Infestation, Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, The Hills Run Red, Laid to Rest, Thirst, Beautiful, Hush, Kill Theory, Mum and Dad, One Eyed Monster, House of the Devil, Carriers, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, The Devil's Tomb, Embodiment of Evil, The Uninvited, Fritt Vilt II, Dead in 3 Days, The Box, Gamer, Moon, Nature's Grave, Outlander,

The Pretty Good:
Red Mist (a.k.a. Freakdog), Dolan's Cadillac, The Thaw, Gnaw, The Broken, The Burrowers, Tormented, Invitation Only, Plague Town, The Horsemen, Dying Breed, Amusement, Deadgirl, Book of Blood, Backwoods, It's Alive, Dead Air, Babysitter Wanted, Elsewhere, From Within, The Grudge 3, The Killing Room, Black Devil Doll, Donkey Punch, Sam's Lake.

Lake Mungo (2010)

"Lake Mungo was far different that I expected it to be, and way better than I had hoped..."

LAKE MUNGO
Sub-Genre- Supernatural

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Talia Zucker, Rosie Traynor, David Pledger, Martin Sharpe, and Steve Jodrell.

What's it About?- Without giving away too much about the plot, because it twists and turns a lot and ends up being something more than you'd expect from the premise, Lake Mungo is about sixteen year old Alice Palmer; a sweet girl that goes missing on a family outing to a local swimming hole, and the creepy fallout that follows after her disappearance.

No more fun for you, because you're dead.
Alice's family begin to experience a series of strange occurrences centered around their home, prompting them to seek the help of a local psychic to help them make sense of it all. As the story unfolds, it becomes clear that Alice had some dark secrets that ultimately may have lead to her doom. A series of clues and happenings lead the to the films title location, Lake Mungo, where her secret life is exposed, leaving the family reeling and trying to piece themselves back together.

I'll piece you back together, honey. I'm nurturing like that.
To reveal much more than this would be a disservice to the film, so I'm going to shut up now. I will say that at more than one time during the movie, I found myself getting goosebumps and screaming at the hair on the back of my neck to stop standing up. That actually happened.

Anyone who actually goes to a place this creepy, kinda has it coming.
The Good- Part of January's upcoming After Dark Horror Fest, Lake Mungo (along with the excellent Dread), gives me a giddy sense of expectation for what this year's installment could end up being. Finally, we are getting more than second rate B-Movies that aren't really all that good or scary in an American horror festival.

I'm surprised at how much I enjoyed this movie. You see, it's presented to us, the viewer, as a straight up documentary a la something you would see on Unsolved Mysteries or Cold Case Files. It's actually a fictional drama, but you'd never know it by watching the thing. The subtle quiet of the movie makes it work so well, as looking at photographs and videos prove more chilling than anything else that happens on screen.

The real terror in this movie comes from the seedy goings on in a quiet suburban neighborhood, what those actions lead to, and how they can damage someone beyond repair. The theme of knowing your own doom is unsettling as well, an especially with the way it's explored throughout this movie.

This picture pretty much captures the feel of the movie.
The Bad- While essentially a ghost story, the spirits of Lake Mungo aren't malevolent and no one is ever really threatened by any supernatural doings, which just struck me oddly. It's more like The Sixth Sense or The Oprhanage that let's say a Paranormal Activity, in that that scares come in other, less threatening ways. As much as I liked it, I was kinda hoping for a vengeful ghost or something. It's a minor gripe really.

The Downright Horrendous- I don't know if American audiences will embrace this movie as they really should. I mention this because Hollywood is already planning to remake the movie which to me seems unnecessary. This movie stands on it's own as a great film, and an effective horror movie, but the lacks of jump scares and blood probably wont be enough for the movie to make sufficient bank in this country. Oddly enough, it's getting a theatrical release in January as a part of the After Dark Horror Fest, but it's still getting remade. I hope it makes money and the remake just fades into oblivion, but then I always tend to dream too big.

The Gory- There were a few disturbing images, but the gore quotient was very, very low.

The Naked- We get one of the creepiest threesomes ever, and some teenage Aussie girls in bikini's. for the most part, the movie is very tame, aside from its themes.

Middle. That's all I'm saying.
Best Line- "Alice kept secrets. She kept the fact that she kept secrets, a secret."

What did we learn?- Australia is a very creepy place. Also, just avoid swimming altogether.

The Master Says- B+ (8.5/10) Lake Mungo is an atmospheric, disturbing, creepy, and even sad movie in some ways, and it deftly weaves all of those elements together to pull you in and leave you thinking about it long after you've finished watching. Little more than regret, guilt, and dark secrets manage to make a movie with no violence or threatening antagonists give you goosebumps and make the hair on the back of your neck stand up, which to me is quite a feat. If this is an example of what we can expect when the After Dark Horror Fest IV hits theaters in January, then it's going to be a good month. Go and see this when you get the chance.

Final Thoughts- Beautiful and creepy.

The 10 Worst Movies of 2009- 1-5

1- Halloween 2- I once had all the faith in the world in Rob Zombie's films: I liked 1000 Corpses, thought it was fresh and fun; I still think The Devil's Reject's is an amazing piece of work, on many levels; I even liked his first spin on Halloween (2007), though it was nowhere near the film that the original was. I guess that's why I expected way more out of this horrible remake/sequel, and also why I was so profoundly sickened by what I actually saw on screen. He didn't just continue the story, or put another spin on his own remake, he beat, raped, and shit on one of the best mythologies in the world of horror. Dream sequences, ghost horses, psychic links, horrible dialogue, laughable characters and acting, random killings, laughable story... He even made Michael into a homeless bum, and Loomis into a paparazzi seeking celebutard. This movie is embarrassing both as a movie, and as an installment in the Micheal Myers/Halloween mythos, and should just be forgotten. Zombie had better hit a home run with his planned remake of The Blob (which oddly enough, won't have a blob in it!?!), or the tiny shred of credibility he still has with some horror fans will be shot to hell.


2- Blood: The Last Vampire- Wow, I can't believe what an awful, laughable, utter mess this movie is. If you see this, you will be really angry for having wasted your time. If for some reason you see this and like it, or think it's really good, then you're most likely slow in the brain. The acting on display in this hunk of shit is atrocious for the most part. Seriously unbelievable. Allison Miller was okay some of the time, but even she was bad. "The General's" performance was amongst the worst performances I've seen all year. Maybe ever. The script is just ridiculous. Whoever wrote the dialogue should be ashamed of themselves, and everything that happened in this movie was just laughable. Even the schoolgirl sword fight was laughable and unwatchable... and that's saying a lot for me. I love swords and schoolgirls. Especially schoolgirls.


3- Vinyan- Slow, boring, frustrating, nonsensical, lame, shit... pick one of those descriptors, and it surely fits Vinyan. For being such a gorgeous movie, and having some solid acting talent involved, the story and characters make little sense and made me want to punch my TV (or myself) more than once as I watched this one. 17 times actually, but I digress... I had high hopes for this one, and on some levels it delivered, but overall it was the poor actions of the main characters that did the movie in. Once it became ridiculous, I started to notice how slow and uneventful it really was, and by the time anything happened, I just didn't care. Unless you need a really good nap, or another reason to walk around all pissed off, then don't ever watch this movie.


4- Jennifer's Body- You know a horror movie is just plain awful when not even hot chicks sharing a long, lingering, whorish lesbian kiss makes you want to watch. Honestly though, this could have been pretty watchable if not for one thing: Diablo Cody and her shit writing.

Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz words and phrases, pretty much with every other line. No one talks like that Devil Coby, not unless they're 14 or mentally slow. By trying to show how hip and "in touch"" she is with the teen world, she proves just how much she really isn't. It's really better to mute the movie and just watch and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer the trendy crap Coby spews..

The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper. Unless you're a teen who hasn't developed taste yet, or mentally challenged, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic.


5- The Haunting in Connecticut- This was actually a well made movie, full of actors that did a good job with their roles, so why is it #5 on our "worst of" list? Because It may be the least scary "haunting" movie I've ever seen. Another bland, PG-13 Hollywood gloss job, THIC is full of jump scares and CGI, but no tension, dread, or true scares. In fact, the whole thing is devoid of anything even remotely creepy or unsettling. This movie illustrates that Hollywood is on to the fact that most people in the audience have the attention spans of retarded seagull's, and if something big/shocking/crazy doesn't happen every 34 seconds, then they're bored. I'm tired of Hollywood pandering to the lowest common denominator, and they need to stop making suck ass movies like this. Remember The Entity? That was pretty damned creepy. Remember The Haunting in Connecticut? Don't worry, neither does anyone else.


The Best is next!

The 10 Worst Movies of 2009- 6-10

6- Children of the Corn- The original was hardly perfect, I'll give you that much, but this "Remake" was so atrociously bad that it made the 1984 version seem flawless. The main characters were annoying and ridiculous, Malachai and Isaac were nowhere near as creepy as they were in the original, and the whole thing maintained a level of tension equal to that of your average Lifetime movie (I know I use that one a lot, but it's so true.) I remember the original creeping me out as a kid. I remember caring about whether or not the main characters lived or died. I also remember wanting to karate kick my TV every 10 minutes as I watched this one. Poop!

7- Sorority Row- This remake baffles me; we finally get a good old Rated-R slasher flick in theaters and they hardly show any kills on camera, the nudity is sparse, and the kills are largely uninspired and uneventful. The movie looked good, pretty and sharp, but the story was more than familiar, complete with the obligatory crappy twist that sucked. Above and beyond all things that made this movie suck, was Audrina Patridge. Why is such a "Dead behind the eyes" human replicant like her getting movie roles? She's not an actor... she's not even at Lindsay Lohan's level of no-talent, and that speaks volumes. And yet she gets work. I guess that "ooh, shiny!" sums up both movies like this, and celebretards like her.

8- The Stepfather- The second they decided to remake a movie in which someone tried to recreate the creepy magic that Terry O'Quinn gave us in the original, the whole thing was doomed. Why not remake LOST, and cast Channing Tatum as John Locke. You can't, that's why! This remake is devoid of everything that made the original so damned good, you know, scares, atmosphere, and a hauntingly disturbing performance by O'Quinn. The makers of the Prom Night remake obviously have no clue how to make a horror movie, and they need to stop. Nice guys, I'm sure, but n more horror. Please. It's always nice to see Amber Heard on screen though.

9- The Final Destination- I decided after watching this movie, that the Final Destination films are like the game Mousetrap. The ball rolls down the thing, the thing raises up and flips a switch, the switch triggers a lever, the lever hits a plate, and then you get a pipe through your head. That's pretty much it for every kill in every one of these movies, and especially this one. The kills in this latest installment (and the others) are great; bloody, messy, and all sorts of f'd up... umfortunately, everything else is pretty lame and hard to sit through, because it's obvious that it's style over substance. Meh.

10- New Moon- It was a better film than the first one, I'll give it that much, but that's still not saying much. It's all still there of course; the shallow representation of what 12 year olds think love is, the blank stares, the bad acting, the vacant stares, the emo teen longing for things that aren't real or deep at all, the forlorn look in everyone's eyes as they stare... The message these movies (and books) sends to bewildered girls of all ages is mind numbing. No wonder they take to the Myspaces and Facebooks of the world en masse, crying about how lonely they are, or wondering why they can't have what Twilight preaches. Allow me to enlighten them as to why they can't be Bella, and have different true loves to flounder between... BECAUSE IT'S ALL A LIE! A juvenile, sad, unrealistic lie. Plus, a shitty story.


1-5 is coming soon!

The 10 Worst Movies of 2009- Before the top 10

Before we get to the 10 worst films of the year, we must take a moment to recognize the bad movies of 2009 that didn't make the top 10. Some just weren't all that good, some broke our hearts, some disappointed us, some could have been better, some really needed to be better, and some were just not worth watching at all.

Keep in mind that the movies on our list are only the ones we've seen, so I'm sure that some have escaped our notice.

Also, anything on this list had a grade below C. For the most part.

Could have been better:
The After Dark Horrorfest, Against the Dark, Dorothy Mills, Lesbian Vampire Killers, Doghouse, The Chaos Experiment, Seventh Moon, The Unborn, Autopsy, Walled In, Hit and Run, A Perfect Getaway, The Dark Country, Dead Air, How to be a Serial Killer, Murder Loves Killers Too, No Right Turn, Open Graves, Wrong Turn 3, Whiteout.

Needed to be better:
Giallo, Slaughter, Homecoming, The Tribe, Plaguers, Vacancy 2: The First Cut, Boogeyman 3, Perkins 14, The Canyon, The Skeptic, My Super Psycho Sweet 16, Shuttle, While She Was Out.

Do Not Want!
The Telling, Deadline, Cthulhu, Bad Biology, Dark Reel, The Cell 2, The Telling, Autumn, Albino Farm, The Last Resort, Deadline, Edges of Darkness, Frayed, Flesh TX, The Haunting of Winchester House, Kiss of the Vampire, Livestock, Skull Heads, Smash Cut, Stan Helsing, Thankskilling, The Crypt, Crush, Evilution, Live Animals, Imurders, Red Victoria, Sick Girl, Pop Skull, Vampitheatre, Stagknight, Skeleton Crew, Bane, Dead Wood, Born, Frayed, The Poker Club, The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi, The Caretaker, Death Factory Bloodletting, Ghosts of Goldfield, Bled, House, Baseline Killer, Disturbed, Fear the Forest, Summer School.


Stay tuned for bad movies 6-10...

Summer's Blood (2009)

"Alice Cullen is starring in her own little horror movie. It's a little bit better than Twilight at least..."

SUMMER'S BLOOD
Sub-Genre- Torture Porn

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Ashley Greene and Stephen McHattie.

What's it About?- Ashley Greene is a little whore, hitchhiking through Asscrack Nowhere on a quest to find her long lost father. She's picked up by a guy named Tom Rape, who coincidentally tries to mouth rape her, and she ends up almost shooting his peen off. What kind of girl carries a gun in their purse? The same kind who wont give random road head... a prude, that's who.

The dangers of road head.
As she travels in search of her long lost Daddy, she does some shoplifting, smokes weed, drinks, goes home with a local rube whom she meets in a skanky bar and begs him to take her upstairs and fuck her. I told you she was a whore. Meanwhile, the random guy's mom licks the door in twisted longing while her son scrumps the drifter trollop. Nice family.

Not just a bar whore, but a traveling bar whore.
Before long, Ashely Greene's whoring lands her in a whole heap of serial-killer-family trouble, and she finds herself being held prisoner in an odd sex garden in the basement. When Dad calls, announcing he's coming home, the fit really hits the shan; because dad is one sick twist. He's also very charismatic and believes in the bond of family over anything else. That's kind of refreshing in this day and age.

What a charmer.
Will Ashley Greene escape the sex garden? Will she find her long lost dad? Will the big "Twist" in this movie work out exactly like you thought it would about 10 minutes in? Yep, yep, and well of course it will.

The end... or is it just the beginning? Dun, dun, dun!!!!
The Good- Stephen McHattie's performance as a serial killer dad was the highlight of this one, and without it, I may have forgotten this movie about three seconds after watching it. There's just something about the guy that makes you love watching him, much like Bill Moseley, and I really hope he keeps working in genre pictures for a long time.

The movie itself was harmless enough, but just wasn't all that gripping or original. I've seen this movie dozens of times before, and aside from McHattie's performance, it's been done better every single time. That's not to say that some people might not find it fun or enjoyable, I'm just saying that it will give most horror fans a feeling of Deja Vu.

The Bad- Whereas Stephen McHattie is a great actor, Ashley Greene is really not. Maybe I'm still in shock that the other kid from Twilight did a bag up job in Dread, that I expected Ms. Greene to blow me away too, but alas, I was not blown. Heh. I see what I did there.

The Downright Horrendous- Why no nakie? In a movie filled with all kinds of hookers and bar whores, why we no get no nakie, nakie?!?

Next time, be naked.
The Gory- Dead hookers, gun violence, patricide, torture, creepy rape-like sex, blood covered chicks... this one has its fair share of blood and gore.

The Naked- We get some sexual scenes and situations, but not the full on nudity that we deserve. For shame.

Best Line- "I swear, sometimes I wonder how I gave birth to a child this fucking stupid. "

What did we learn?- Ashley Greene isn't into road head. Also, Stephen McHattie needs to be in more movies, as he clearly kicks all sorts of ass.

The Master Says- C- (5.0/10) This was an average horror movie in many ways, which had a few good moments and a great performance by Stephen McHattie. Ashley Greene was way better in the Twilight movies (God, I just said that) than she is here; she just doesn't have the chops to carry her own movie, let alone a horror movie where I'm supposed to feel for her. This one is rather bland and may be worthy of a rent at the most.

Final Thoughts- She is so shy! (and by shy I mean slutty.)