November 30, 2009
The story revolves around a whiny girl whom is literally locked away in a castle with her parents, because the world is evil and she should just stay at home. In the film's only good moment, the girl stands fully naked in front of a mirror and checks herself out, which was quite captivating. Other than that, there's a 20-minute-long breakfast scene followed by a 20-minute-long dinner scene... and by the time this movie is 50 minutes in, nothing has happened other than a lot of bad acting and some Skull Puppets peeking around corners. That leaves 25 minutes more to have... nothing happen.
I guess the castle is protected by supernatural guardians called Skull Heads, who harm mean people if they try to harm the family that lives in Skull Head castle... whatever. This movie was just plain old boring and lame, like a bad episode of Tales from the Darkside or something. I do like the poster though.
November 23, 2009
Sub-Genre- Um... Giallo.
Cast Members of Note- Adrien Brody, Emmanuelle Seigner, and Elsa Pataky. Directed by Dario Argento.
A creepy killer named Yellow is on the loose in Italy, and it's up to a stewardess and an American detective to stop him... and his odd post-nasal-drip-induced wheezing. It already sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it? Yeah, terrifying. You see, Yellow is a retarded cab driver whom was teased by the other children for looking retarded when he was little... so naturally, he grows up and decides torture and kill women to "get his revenge." Now wouldn't you think he'd grow up and kill kids, since it was kids who drove him to be a murderer in the first place? Like take out a playground with a flamethrower or something? Maybe get a job as an ice cream man and poison the push-up pops?
|Leave the adult women alone, yellow Rambo-looking guy!|
|Good job interviewing the corpse, dummy.|
|I wish she was in my trunk...|
|Shush. Keep it down now. Voices carry.|
As is usually the case with Gialli films, and Argento flicks in particular, there is plenty of violence to be had here, though in this case most of it was not very captivating or exciting. It seemed well placed and deliberate, rather than intense or cringe inducing. Meh.
Nope, and I'm pretty sure that it's not hard to get Elsa Pataky naked either.
Even Dario Argento can swing and miss sometimes.
D+(4.5/10) Man it hurts me to rate an Argento movie so harshly... The guy has given Horror fans so much, that I just feel guilty not liking something of his. It really should be more in the DO NOT WANT range of the grade scale if I'm being fair, but sentimental value (along with a few promising aspects of the film itself) prevent me from dismissing it totally. Where many hated it, I really liked Mother of Tears... so the fact I felt that this movie sucked says volumes. At least to me.
Good God is Elsa Pataky hot or what?
November 19, 2009
...for 10 Questionable movies. Some we've seen, some were scared to even watch. These are the movies you see on the shelf at Blockbuster and say "This looks pretty good." HA! They usually aren't good at all!
Vacancy Part 3, with less of a budget and an unknown cast. Sounds good to me.
Ok, this one we need to see. This seriously makes me laugh out loud.
Jason Connery directed The Devil's Tomb, which was pretty decent, but this one scares me... How many viralgeddon movies do we need?
Not if I don't rent it. HA!
The only way out is death.. are there no roads, or do they mean you will want to kill yourself once you've watched this little gem? I vote #2.
More like "Shit is Rising."
The MTV logo should tell you everything you need to know here.
Welcome to Barricade... so Barricade is a place? Like Barricade, MI or something? Ugh.
Clever Ebonic title. (I just face-palmed myself.)
November 16, 2009
All in all, this wasn't a totally horrendous movie; it looked good, Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried looked GOOD-GOOD, it even had a very nice lesbian kiss & grope scene between the lead Hotties, but in the end it was truly doomed by the awful writing of Diablo Colby, or whatever her name is.
Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz-words and phrases, pretty much with every other line. No one talks like that Devil Coby, not unless they're 14 or mentally slow. By trying to show how hip and "in touch"" she is with the Teen world, she proves just how much she really isn't.
Example(s) Taken from IMDB because I refuse to remember them on my own:
"I need you hopeless." (What? Who the fuck says that?)
"You need a mani-pedi bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation." (Maybe the perfect example of Cody's suck.)
"These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real." (Do kids who talk like this really not know how lame they sound?)
"I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must have had sex with a blowhole or something." (What does this even mean?)
[Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] "Got a tampon?" (Oh, that's funny. I get it.) "You're totally lesbi-gay." (Stop making stuff up! Right now!)
It's really better to mute the movie and just watch and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer the trendy crap Coby spews.. The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper. Again, unless you're a Teen who hasn't developed taste yet, or a mentally challenged adult, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic.
I don't know, maybe I'm being picky lately, but this one just made me say "meh" after it was all said and done. It was good, had gorgeous locations, and I loved the cast; Olyphant and Zahn alone make most things watchable, and Mila... well, she's just special. Need I mention why Marley Shelton is so damned special? Throw in Nikki from L O S T, and I'm pretty much all set... so then why did it feel lack luster?
I liked the guessing game of it all, the twists and turns if you will, though some of it felt pretty obvious. I'm going to chalk it up to seeing it at the wrong time I think. When it hits DVD I'll pick it up and watch it again, and maybe it will please me more than it did this time. I think you should check it out, and let me know if it was better than I initially thought.
November 9, 2009
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Karrie, Dave, and Mrs. Machine.
Cast Members of Note- Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat.
|Sorry Katie, but you gots to go!|
|How many hints do you need!|
|She can't even sleep during the day. Poor Katie.|
PA, while others might hate it. Kinda just like it was with Blair Witch.
I'm not sure which version is better, the 2007 original or the 2009 theatrical, which have different scenes and things, though I might lean towards the theatrical versions because the ending and daytime scenes were kinda cool. It's nice to see something original make it to theaters, and especially to see the little guy kick the crap out of the latest, needless SAW movie.
|This is an exclusive still of a deleted scene from Paranormal Activity. Chilling.|
|Stop poking the bear, Micah!|
Katie Featherston does not unleash her sweater puppies, which is nearly criminal, because they look like they'd be superb.
|Yes Katie, I'm talking about your boobs, and I'm not sorry!|
B+ (8.5/10) People will either love it's subtle build and quietly creepy atmosphere, or they will call it boring and lame. I, for the most part, think it was highly effective and enjoyable, especially since it had such a tiny budget. It's nice to see a movie that isn't all jump scares and music cues, and that succeeds by its own rules. If you haven't already, you really should check it out... especially since there are already talks of a sequel.
Katie Featherston and her acting talents. Her lovely, lovely acting talents.