November 30, 2009

The Week in "Do Not Want!"

The story revolves around a whiny girl whom is literally locked away in a castle with her parents, because the world is evil and she should just stay at home. In the film's only good moment, the girl stands fully naked in front of a mirror and checks herself out, which was quite captivating. Other than that, there's a 20-minute-long breakfast scene followed by a 20-minute-long dinner scene... and by the time this movie is 50 minutes in, nothing has happened other than a lot of bad acting and some Skull Puppets peeking around corners. That leaves 25 minutes more to have... nothing happen.

I guess the castle is protected by supernatural guardians called Skull Heads, who harm mean people if they try to harm the family that lives in Skull Head castle... whatever. This movie was just plain old boring and lame, like a bad episode of Tales from the Darkside or something. I do like the poster though.

November 23, 2009

Giallo (2009)

To me, dissing Dario Argento is like pushing my favorite Uncle off of the roof, sending him falling into the glass-shard garden below... and yet it must be done...

Sub-Genre- Um... Giallo.  
Cast Members of Note- Adrien Brody, Emmanuelle Seigner, and Elsa Pataky. Directed by Dario Argento.  

A creepy killer named Yellow is on the loose in Italy, and it's up to a stewardess and an American detective to stop him... and his odd post-nasal-drip-induced wheezing. It already sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it? Yeah, terrifying. You see, Yellow is a retarded cab driver whom was teased by the other children for looking retarded when he was little... so naturally, he grows up and decides torture and kill women to "get his revenge." Now wouldn't you think he'd grow up and kill kids, since it was kids who drove him to be a murderer in the first place? Like take out a playground with a flamethrower or something? Maybe get a job as an ice cream man and poison the push-up pops?

Leave the adult women alone, yellow Rambo-looking guy!
Adrien Brody is an American detective, and his story is even better; as a child he witnessed his mother being stabbed to death, he went nuts, tracked down the killer, stabbed him to death, and the Cops made him a junior detective on the spot. So naturally he would take on the case of an American stewardess (who isn't American at all, and lives in Italy) whose slutty model sister goes missing... I have no idea what happened. Let's just move on here... 

Good job interviewing the corpse, dummy.
Will they find the whore sister before Yellow can do away with her? Why is Elsa Pataky dating Adrien Brody in real life anyway? Will Argento ever be a relevant director again? We may never know... and quite frankly, I'm fine with that. 

I wish she was in my trunk...
This felt like neither a Giallo film, nor an Argento movie to me. It had its moments, and wasn't truly horrible, but I wanted to giggle more than I wanted to tense up and close my eyes, and that made it all a crap experience for me. Some of the blood was fun, Italy as a backdrop was gorgeous, and Elsa Pataky was good too. Sexy good. The rest, not so much... 

Good God.
Why do women scream so much in Horror movies? Sure I get that its natural instinct to scream when terrified, but does it have to be over and over and over again? Or at times when you really shouldn't be calling attention to yourself, like when hiding? Best of all, when restrained in a dingy basement, with corpses of other chicks all around you, make sure to scream mean things at the killer, over and over and over again. That's a real good idea. Maybe learn to shut up ladies, and you might live through more of these ordeals. 

Shush. Keep it down now. Voices carry.
The worst part of the whole thing was that the killer, Yellow (Giallo), was not frightening at all. In fact, he was so goofy looking and odd, that he seemed to be more comic relief than anything else. And then at the end, he kinda turns out to be honorable and nice??? Fuck that. Italian Horror pussed out on us with this one!  

As is usually the case with Gialli films, and Argento flicks in particular, there is plenty of violence to be had here, though in this case most of it was not very captivating or exciting. It seemed well placed and deliberate, rather than intense or cringe inducing. Meh.

Nope, and I'm pretty sure that it's not hard to get Elsa Pataky naked either.  

Even Dario Argento can swing and miss sometimes.

D+(4.5/10) Man it hurts me to rate an Argento movie so harshly... The guy has given Horror fans so much, that I just feel guilty not liking something of his. It really should be more in the DO NOT WANT range of the grade scale if I'm being fair, but sentimental value (along with a few promising aspects of the film itself) prevent me from dismissing it totally. Where many hated it, I really liked Mother of Tears... so the fact I felt that this movie sucked says volumes. At least to me.

Good God is Elsa Pataky hot or what? 

November 19, 2009

10 Posters...

...for 10 Questionable movies. Some we've seen, some were scared to even watch. These are the movies you see on the shelf at Blockbuster and say "This looks pretty good." HA! They usually aren't good at all!
Vacancy Part 3, with less of a budget and an unknown cast. Sounds good to me.
Ok, this one we need to see. This seriously makes me laugh out loud.
Jason Connery directed The Devil's Tomb, which was pretty decent, but this one scares me... How many viralgeddon movies do we need?
Not if I don't rent it. HA!
The only way out is death.. are there no roads, or do they mean you will want to kill yourself once you've watched this little gem? I vote #2.
More like "Shit is Rising."
The MTV logo should tell you everything you need to know here.
Welcome to Barricade... so Barricade is a place? Like Barricade, MI or something? Ugh.
Clever Ebonic title. (I just face-palmed myself.)

November 16, 2009

A quick roundup: Jennifer's Body (2009) & A Perfect Getaway (2009)

All in all, this wasn't a totally horrendous movie; it looked good, Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried looked GOOD-GOOD, it even had a very nice lesbian kiss & grope scene between the lead Hotties, but in the end it was truly doomed by the awful writing of Diablo Colby, or whatever her name is.

Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz-words and phrases, pretty much with every other line. No one talks like that Devil Coby, not unless they're 14 or mentally slow. By trying to show how hip and "in touch"" she is with the Teen world, she proves just how much she really isn't.

Example(s) Taken from IMDB because I refuse to remember them on my own:
"I need you hopeless." (What? Who the fuck says that?)
"You need a mani-pedi bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation." (Maybe the perfect example of Cody's suck.)
"These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real." (Do kids who talk like this really not know how lame they sound?)
"I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must have had sex with a blowhole or something." (What does this even mean?)
[Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] "Got a tampon?" (Oh, that's funny. I get it.) "You're totally lesbi-gay." (Stop making stuff up! Right now!)

It's really better to mute the movie and just watch and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer the trendy crap Coby spews.. The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper. Again, unless you're a Teen who hasn't developed taste yet, or a mentally challenged adult, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic.

I don't know, maybe I'm being picky lately, but this one just made me say "meh" after it was all said and done. It was good, had gorgeous locations, and I loved the cast; Olyphant and Zahn alone make most things watchable, and Mila... well, she's just special. Need I mention why Marley Shelton is so damned special? Throw in Nikki from L O S T, and I'm pretty much all set... so then why did it feel lack luster?

I liked the guessing game of it all, the twists and turns if you will, though some of it felt pretty obvious. I'm going to chalk it up to seeing it at the wrong time I think. When it hits DVD I'll pick it up and watch it again, and maybe it will please me more than it did this time. I think you should check it out, and let me know if it was better than I initially thought.

November 9, 2009

Paranormal Activity (2007/2009)

"A creepy breath of fresh air, that's what this movie is."

Sub-Genre- Supernatural
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Karrie, Dave, and Mrs. Machine.
Cast Members of Note- Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat.

Katie and Micah are a sweet, All-American couple living their All-American dream except for the fact that Katie is haunted by a ghost. For me that's the end of any relationship, but then again I'm really scared of ghosts. I'm sorry, but love can not defeat an angry spirit!

Sorry Katie, but you gots to go!
They eventually set up a camera to record their room at night, because too many creepy things are happening and they want some sort of an explanation. Maybe they're just imagining things? No, because things of course get progressively worse to the point of calling in a ghost psychic, which does no good at all because he gets scared and leaves. Hint, hint, Micah.

How many hints do you need!
A Ouija board and a few Youtube videos later, Micah tries to karate fight the ghost, which only serves to piss it off even more. I won't spoil any more of what happens here, but suffice it to say that ghosts hate you, and they have no problems showing it. They won't even let you get the proper amount of sleep. That is true hate.

She can't even sleep during the day. Poor Katie.

This was a really good movie; creepy, well made for its minuscule budget, well acted, and did I mention creepy? Now I won't say that it's the creepiest thing I've ever seen, but it delivers the scares with minimalism and subtlety. I can see how some might love PA, while others might hate it. Kinda just like it was with Blair Witch.

I'm not sure which version is better, the 2007 original or the 2009 theatrical, which have different scenes and things, though I might lean towards the theatrical versions because the ending and daytime scenes were kinda cool. It's nice to see something original make it to theaters, and especially to see the little guy kick the crap out of the latest, needless SAW movie.

This is an exclusive still of a deleted scene from Paranormal Activity. Chilling.
It's absolutely frustrating that it takes so long for a movie like this, or Trick r' Treat, or All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (Which still isn't out in the U.S.) to be released, when so many other sub par horror flicks get released in their stead. Studio politics be damned I say!

What kind of a dumb ass taunts evil spirits? Come on Micah, you can't win when you essentially challenge a frigging demon to a fight, and why in the hell would you want to rile it up anyway? Be nice,offer it cookies or something, but don't dare it to fight you!
Stop poking the bear, Micah!
A little bit of the nasty stuff, but this movie really isn't about all of that. Plus, there are varying amounts of violence depending on which version were talking about. there are actually 3 cuts of the movie out there...

Katie Featherston does not unleash her sweater puppies, which is nearly criminal, because they look like they'd be superb.

Yes Katie, I'm talking about your boobs, and I'm not sorry!
If your girlfriend is haunted, dump her. It's really for the best. Also, don't taunt the ghosts. What are you, insane?

B+ (8.5/10) People will either love it's subtle build and quietly creepy atmosphere, or they will call it boring and lame. I, for the most part, think it was highly effective and enjoyable, especially since it had such a tiny budget. It's nice to see a movie that isn't all jump scares and music cues, and that succeeds by its own rules. If you haven't already, you really should check it out... especially since there are already talks of a sequel.

We admire Katie Featherston and her acting talents. Her lovely, lovely acting talents.