The Week in "Do Not Want!"

Skullheads- The story revolves around a whiny girl whom is literally locked away in a castle with her parents, because the world is evil and she should just stay at home. In the films only good point, the girl stands fully naked in front of a mirror and checks herself out, which was quite captivating.

Other than that, there's a 20 minute breakfast scene followed by a a 20 minute dinner scene... and by the time this movie is 50 minutes in, nothing has happened other than a lot of bad acting and some skull puppets peeking around corners. That leaves 25 minutes more to have... nothing happen.

I guess the castle is protected by supernatural guardians called skull heads, who harm mean people if they try to harm the family that lives in skull head castle... whatever. This movie was just plain old boring and lame, like a bad episode of Tales from the Darkside or something.

I do like the poster though.

Giallo (2009)

To me, dissing Dario Argento is like pushing my favorite Uncle off of the roof , sending him falling into the glass-shard garden below... and yet it must be done...

GIALLO
Sub-Genre- Um... Giallo.

In Attendance- Me.

Cast Members of Note- Adrien Brody, Emmanuelle Seigner, and Elsa Pataky.
Directed by Dario Argento.

What's it About?- A creepy killer named Yellow is on the loose in Italy, and it's up to a stewardess and an American detective to stop him... and his odd post nasal drip induced wheezing. It already sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it?

Yeah, terrifying. You see, Yellow is a retarded looking cab driver whom was teased by the other children for looking retarded when he was little... so naturally, he grows up and decides torture and kill women to "get his revenge." Now wouldn't you think he'd grow up and kill kids, since it was kids who drove him to be a murderer in the first place? Like take out a playground with a flamethrower or something... maybe get a job as an ice cream man and poison all of the neighborhood kids...

Leave to women alone, yellow Rambo-looking guy!
Adrien Brody is an American detective, and his story is even better; as a child he witnessed his mother being stabbed to death, he went nuts, tracked down the killer, stabbed him to death, and the cops made him a junior detective on the spot. So naturally he would take on the case of an American stewardess (who isn't American at all, and lives in Italy) whose slutty model sister goes missing... I have no idea what happened. Let's just move on here...

Good job interviewing the corpse, dummy.
Will they find the whore sister before Yellow can do away with her? Why is Elsa Pataky dating Adrien Brody in real life anyway? Will Argento ever be a relevant director again? We may never know... and quite frankly, I'm fine with that.

I wish she was in my trunk...
The Good- This felt like neither a Giallo film, nor an Argento movie to me. It had its moments, and wasn't truly horrible, but I wanted to giggle more than I wanted to tense up and close my eyes, and that made it a crap experience for me. Some of the blood was fun, Italy as a backdrop always looks nice to me on film, and Elsa Pataky was good too. Sexy good. The rest, not so much...

Good God.
The Bad- Why do women scream so much in horror movies? Sure I get that its natural instinct to scream when terrified, but does it have to be over and over and over again? Or at times when you really shouldn't be calling attention to yourself, like when hiding? Best of all, when restrained in a dingy basement, with corpses of other chicks all around you, make sure to scream mean things at the killer, over and over and over again. That's a real good idea. Maybe learn to shut up ladies, and you might live through more of these ordeals.

Shush. Keep it down now. Voices carry.
The Downright Horrendous- The worst part of the whole thing was that the killer, Yellow (Giallo), was not frightening at all. In fact, he was so goofy looking and odd, that he seemed to be more comic relief than anything else. And then at the end, he kinda turns out to be honorable and nice??? Fuck that. Italian horror pussed out on us with this one!

The Gory- As is usually the case with Gialli film and Argento flicks in particular, there is plenty of violence to be had here, though most of it not very captivating or exciting. It seemed well placed and deliberate, rather than intense or cringe inducing. Meh.

The Naked- Nope, and I'm pretty sure that it's not hard to get Elsa Pataky naked either.

What did we learn?- Even Dario Argento can swing and miss sometimes.

The Master Says- D+(4.5/10) Man it hurts me to rate an Argento movie so harshly... The guy has given horror fans so much, that I just feel guilty not liking something of his. It really should be more in the DO NOT WANT range of the grade scale if I'm being fair, but sentimental value (along with a few promising aspects of the film itself) prevent me from dismissing it totaly. Where many hated it, I really liked Mother of Tears... the fact I fell that this movie sucked says volumes.

Final Thoughts- Good God is Elsa Pataky hot or what?

I'm debating about New Moon...

.. and the debate is whether I go harass people who are going to see it or not. Not the kids of course, but the creepy older chicks who think Twilight is so romantic and beautiful, and can't get a man of their own because they look like the wreck of the Hesperus. You know the ones... they look like they'd have a knife fight over a ham any day of the week. The jelly sweat chicks. Maybe I'm rambling...

The point is that I really don't get why anyone over the age of, Let's say 16, would mentally identify with Twilight and really want to watch anything Twilight related...

I don't know why I even bother ranting. You can't cure stupid.

10 Posters...

...for 10 Questionable movies. Some we've seen, some were scared to even watch. These are the movies you see on the shelf at Blockbuster and say "This looks pretty good." HA! They usually aren't good at all!


Vacancy Part 3, with less of a budget and an unknown cast. Sounds good to me.

Ok, this one we need to see. This seriously makes me laugh out loud.

Jason Connery directed The Devil's Tomb, which was pretty decent, but this one scares me... How many viralgeddon movies do we need?

Not if I don't rent it. HA!

The only way out is death.. are there no roads, or do they mean you will want to kill yourself once you've watched this little gem? I vote #2.

More like "Shit is Rising."
The MTV logo should tell you everything you need to know here.
Welcome to Barricade... so Barricade is a place? Like Barricade, MI or something? Ugh.
Clever Ebonic title. (I just face-palmed myself.)

LOL.

A quick roundup...

... of flicks that I don't want to take up a whole post writing about.

Hell no!
Jennifer's Body- All in all, this wasn't a totally horrendous movie; it looked good, Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried looked GOOD GOOD, it even had a very nice lesbian kiss & grope scene between the lead hottie's, but in the end it was truly doomed by the awful writing of Diablo Colby, or whatever her name is.

Devil Coby's writing (mostly when it comes to dialogue and monologue) is so callow, annoying, putrid, and painful to listen to, that I have no choice to assume that she's decided to use her writing to spark trendy new buzz words and phrases, pretty much with every other line. No one talks like that Devil Coby, not unless they're 14 or mentally slow. By trying to show how hip and "in touch"" she is with the teen world, she proves just how much she really isn't.

Example(s) Taken from IMDB because I refuse to remember them on my own:
"I need you hopeless." (What? Who the fuck says that?)
"You need a mani bad. You should find a Chinese chick to buff your situation." (Maybe the perfect example of Cody's suck.)
"These are like smart bombs, you point them in the right direction and shit gets real." (Do kids who talk like this really not know how lame they sound?)
"I just got Aquamarine on DVD. It's about a girl who's, like, half sushi. She must've had sex with a blowhole or something." (What does this even mean?)
"[Having been stabbed in the stomach and bleeding profusely] Got a tampon?" (Oh, that's funny. I get it.)
"You're totally lesbi-gay." (Stop making stuff up! Now!)

It's really better to mute the movie and just watch and try to guess what's happening, rather than suffer the trendy crap Coby spews..

The story itself was cheesy and predictable, but at least the actors made it far more interesting than it should have been. Yes, even Megan Fox, and we all know she can't act her way out of a dirty hamper.

Again, unless you're a teen who hasn't developed taste yet, or mentally challenged, skip this one when it hits DVD. You won't be missing a thing. Except the kissing scene, which was seriously fantastic.


Not perfect, but pretty good.
A Perfect Getaway- I don't know, maybe I'm being picky lately, but this one just made me say "meh" after it was all said and done. It was good, had gorgeous locations, and I loved the cast- Olyphant and Zahn alone make most things watchable, and Mila... well, she's just special. Need I mention why Marley Shelton is so damned special? Throw in Nikki from LOST, and I'm pretty much all set. So then why did it feel lack luster?

I liked the guessing game of it all, the twists and turns if you will, though some of it felt pretty obvious.

I'm going to chalk it up to seeing it at the wrong time I think. When it hits DVD I'll pick it up and watch it again, and maybe it will please me more than it did this time. I think you should check it out, and let me know if it was better than I initially thought.

I want one of these...

A Lament Sphere. Then so one could tell me I don't have the balls to summon the Cenobites. Heh.

Trailer Round Up for the 2nd week of November

This week we're including a few trailers that may not be horror, but are still genre flicks that most horror fans should be interested in.

Clash of the Titans (Dude, just... wow.)
Kick-Ass (The comic was ultra violent and well, kick ass. The trailer looks more "fun" than disturbing and dark as it should be, but let's hope they get it right.)
The Clinic (Hmm... I'm interested.)
The Tortured (Bill Mosely as a child killer vs. vengeful parents... I'm there.)
ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction (Finally, a zombie terrorist movie... ?!?)


* Thanks to Quiet Earth and BD.

Release Date List upadated...

We've updated our release date list, so make sure to check it out to keep up on when your most anticipated horror flicks will be hitting theaters or DVD.

We've combined the list for the rest of 2009 with the 2010 release dates, because well, this year is almost finished. The 2010 list in still being put together as well,though most notable releases are at least mentioned at this point.

Anyway, check it.

Release Date List

Paranormal Activity (2007/2009)

"A creepy breath of fresh air, that's what this movie is."

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Sub-Genre- Supernatural

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Karrie, Dave, and Mrs. Machine.
Cast Members of Note- Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat.


What's it About?- Katie and Micah are a sweet, All-American couple living their All-American dream except for the fact that Katie is haunted by a ghost. For me that's the end of any relationship, but then again I'm really scared of ghosts. I'm sorry, but love can not defeat an angry spirit!

Sorry Katie, but you gots to go!

They eventually set up a camera to record their room at night, because too many creepy things are happening and they want some sort of an explanation. Maybe they're just imagining things? No, because things of course get progressively worse to the point of calling in a ghost psychic, which does no good at all because he gets scared and leaves. Hint, hint, Micah.

How many hints do you need!

A Ouija board and a few Youtube videos later, Micah tries to karate fight the ghost, which only serves to piss it off even more. I won't spoil any more of what happens here, but suffice it to say that ghosts hate you, and they have no problems showing it. They won't even let you get the proper amount of sleep. That is true hate.

She can't even sleep during the day. Poor Katie.

The Good- This was a really good movie; creepy, well made for its minuscule budget, well acted, and did I mention creepy? Now I won't say that it's the creepiest thing I've ever seen, but it delivers the scares with minimalism and subtlety. I can see how some might love PA, while others might hate it. Kinda just like it was with Blair Witch.

I'm not sure which version is better, the 2007 original or the 2009 theatrical, which have different scenes and things, though I might lean towards the theatrical versions because the ending and daytime scenes were kinda cool. It's nice to see something original make it to theaters, and especially to see the little guy kick the crap out of the latest, needless SAW movie.

The Bad- It's absolutely frustrating that it takes so long for a movie like this, or Trick r' Treat, or All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (Which still isn't out in the U.S.) to be released, when so many other sub par horror flicks get released in their stead. Studio politics be damned I say!

The Downright Horrendous- What kind of a dumb ass taunts evil spirits? Come on Micah, you can't win when you essentially challenge a frigging demon to a fight, and why in the hell would you want to rile it up anyway? Be nice,offer it cookies or something, but don't dare it to fight you!

Stop poking the bear, Micah!

The Gory- A little bit of the nasty stuff, but this movie really isn't about all of that. Plus, there are varying amounts of violence depending on which version were talking about.

The Naked- Katie Featherston does not unleash her sweater puppies, which is nearly criminal, because they look like they'd be superb.

Yes Katie, I'm talking about your boobs.

What did we learn?- If your girlfriend is haunted, dump her. It's really for the best. Also, don't taunt the ghosts. What are you, insane?

B+ (8.5/10) People will either love it's subtle build and quietly creepy atmosphere, or they will call it boring and lame. I, for the most part, think it was highly effective and enjoyable, especially since it had such a tiny budget. It's nice to see a movie that isn't all jump scares and music cues, and that succeeds by its own rules. If you haven't already, you really should check it out... especially since there are already talks of a sequel.

This is an exclusive still of a deleted scene from Paranormal Activity. Chilling.

The Week in "Do Not Want!"

These movies aren't horrible per se, but they frustrated me enough to add them to the bad list...

Stan Helsing- I guess if you like Scary Movie or Meet the Spartans, then this movie will be funny to you. I hate those kinds of movies, so this one fell mostly flat. I can give the filmmakers some credit, on some level, for trying to make a fun horror spoof, but it really wasn't that funny, or all that good. I mean, the kid from Good Burger? He's not funny. What a waste of Diora Baird and her awesome assets. Some will like this movie, I just won't ever be one of them.


Crush- I'm not sure what they were going for with this movie, but it wasnt until the last 5 minutes that the "scary" stuff actually began. It's not a bad movie, as it's fairly well made, it's just more of a case of too little too late. It's also a case of following a boring, predictable formula. It did have some hot Aussie chicks in it though, which was nice, and the creepy FX towards the end were fun, it was just really bland overall.

Let's play identify the obscure movie...

***Update*** Mystery solved courtesy of our friend Senski. Don't Look in the Basement is the answer.

Someone emailed me today asking a question that I could not answer. So what better way to help, than to put the call out to a world full of horror fans? Where I have failed, perhaps you can succeed.

AJ writes,

I saw a movie at the drive-in between 1972-1975. I don't remember a lot because I was a little kid but what I do remember is a teenage boy who was a bit on the slow side (young adult maybe?) who would go to the kitchen to get Popsicles from his grandmother (or mother?). I think he was killing people and putting their eyes in Tupperware bowls. At the end of the movie everyone was dead (including grandmother/mother) and he went to the kitchen and got his own Popsicle and took it outside to eat. While he was sitting outside he stuck his finger in some sorta tube and the screen went black--the end. That's all I've got, can you help???

Thanx in advance,

AJ

AJ sure seems nice, doesn't he? Can we help him? Does anyone out there know what this movie could possibly be?

Leave a comment if you do.

The House of the Devil (2009)

"This movie is all sorts of creepy fun, 70's style..."
THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL

Sub-Genre- Supernatural

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Jocelin Donahue, Tom Noonan, AJ Bowen, and Dee Wallace.

Directed by- Ti West.





What's it About?- Margot Kidder's cuter doppelganger needs a job; she's a college student who just rented a new house (because her slut roommate is a pig), and she desperately needs some extra cash. Being that this is the 80's, it's obvious that a babysitting gig could totally pay the rent on a house in a college town. Right? Right.

What a naive dummy.
The only thing creepier than the people she's "babysitting" for is the house (of the Devil) itself, and trust me when I say that's pretty damned creepy. $400 for four hours work is worth it though, right? So, it's the night of a full eclipse, there are creepy people, a creepier house (of the Devil), an even creepier old woman upstairs who is "not to be disturbed"... at least they left her pizza money.

Order pizza... now.
Once alone for the night, cute doppelganger girl pops on her Walkman, throws in a cassette, and begins to dance through the dark, creepy, "I'll be damned if I'd stay" house (of the Devil) without a care in the world... like a dumb ass. At least we get to hear FixxOne Thing Leads to Another, which really is one of the coolest songs of the 80's. Needless to say, shit goes all sorts of wrong, and the cute chick soon realizes that she's really, really screwed.

Like really.
The Good- The atmosphere and feel of this movie are absolutely astounding; Ti West makes a movie that not only feels like it was mad in the 70's/80's, but truly belongs there. From the creepy music, to the awesome opening credits, to the over permed hair, this plays like an unearthed horror movie that suddenly popped up about 30 years too late. In a cool way.

The payoff in the end wasn't what I wanted or hoped for, but the whole movie was so groovy to watch, that I still found it to be all sorts of keen.

The Bad- Why not just sit in the front room and not move, ignoring any and all noises from upstairs, the basement, or down the myriad of dark hallways... then, they can't get you. Dummy.

Yeah, go check on the noise, dumb ass.
The Downright Horrendous- I can't believe that a college girl who is super nervous about "babysitting" for a creepy couple in an even creepier house (of the Devil), would put on her Walkman, blare some music, and dance around the house without a care. The dark, shadowy, foreboding house (of the devil.) I kinda lost sympathy for her after that move.

The Gory- This movie was definitely more atmospheric than it was bloody, but we get a little bit of good violence to satiate our hunger. I'm always down for some good gun violence.

The Naked- Nope, and here I was hoping for some 70's style "action."I do, for the record, totally dig that 70's style hair that the chicks rocked back then. Hot.

Come on, that's hot!
Best Line- "This one night changes everything for me" or "You're not the babysitter, are you?"

What did we learn?- Don't ever, never ever babysit, or you will either die or have to face off against Satanist's and Demons. Many a horror movies have shown us this over the years, so heed the damn warning!

The Master Says- B (7.5/10) Were it not for the slightly lackluster ending, I would seriously have given this movie an A. As it stands though, House of the Devil is creepy, stylish, retro awesomeness that you should absolutely see. I miss the old days of horror, as cheesy as they were at times, and Ti West has given me, and others who feel the same, a little throwback present that took me back, if just for a moment... whatever. Just check it out.

Final Thoughts- Super cuteness...

LULZ

I Sell the Dead (2009)

"Finally, we can resume our reviews on a regular schedule, and what a great movie to start back up with..."

I SELL THE DEAD
Sub-Genre- Zombie/Supernatural

In Attendance- Moi, as everyone else is out Trick r' Treating...

Cast Members of Note- Dominic Monaghan, Ron Perlman, Larry Fessenden, and The Tall Man himself, Angus Scrimm.

What's it About?- Arthur and Willie are grave robbers (which was apparently a legitimate profession in 18th century Ireland... who knew?) who love to be drunk and traffic in graveyard goods. The goods however, turn out to be some very off the wall and creepy things... and I'm not sure how they make for a more lucrative trade, but they do. Who buys zombies? I mean really? Why?

Is that Pumpkinhead?
They soon get tired of working for the meager pittance that The Tall Man deals out to them, and strike out on their own to get rich or die tryin'. The trouble is, they have to deal with a brutal and creepy rival grave robbing gang, vampires, zombies, and an assortment of other nefarious creatures, including the law which eventually catches up with them, and the guy that played Hellboy. The proverbial deck is stacked against them.

Call me a puss if you'd like, but I'd run.
So facing execution for his crimes, Arthur recounts his adventures to Father Hellboy, and hopes that it's enough to earn him a stay of execution. Or not. I'm sure he doesn't want to die in any event. Will Arthur and Willie prevail? Will the Murphy gang creep them out to the point of just wanting to die? Will the whore apprentice screw everything up and land them in hot water? Well of course... but to which one? Dun, dun, dun...

Yeah, that's fairly creepy.
The Good- This movie has a very light and fun feel to it, and plays almost like a love letter to horror fans. It almost has a cartoon-ish feel to it, though not in a goofy way, and I like how the humor was mostly subtle as opposed to over the top, because it made the movie work all the better.

I loved the use of flashbacks as well, which were very effective. And they stylish visuals just add to the fun atmosphere of this dark humor laced movie. It's always nice to see Ron Perlman, especially since Sons of Anarchy is such a great show and he's bad ass on it. Ditto for Dominic Monaghan, LOST's favorite son Charlie, who proves that he can be good outside of The Shire and off of the Island.

I spoke too soon, they are on an island. Maybe this is one of "The Others?"
The Bad- The bird? Really?!? Poor little pappy... Oh crap, the rabbit too? Why do horror movies hate animals so much? I feel bad for all things cute an furry in this genre, because there is no hope for them!

The Downright Horrendous- Why does the slutty chick always go and spoil things for everyone in these movies? Maybe if Charlie Pace would have kept it in his pants, things wouldn't have gone from bad to worse as quickly as they did. Then again it's virtually impossible to resist a sexy tart wielding the British accent... I know I couldn't do it.

Amy Winehouse doesn't count. I'd fight her with methadone and soap.

The Gory- There's some gore to be had here, including a really nice throat slashing, zombie violence, vampire violence, animal violence, a beheading... though not a gore-fest, it's still good times!

The Naked- No, we don't get to see Fanny's fanny. Tis' a shame.

What did we learn?- Grave Robbin' ain't easy. Also, never listen to the slutty chick, it can only lead to bad things.


The Master Says- B+ (8.5/10) This movie was all kinds of fun from the cool monsters, to the black humor, to the awesome cast of actors. I wish it had been a bit longer, as more of a good thing can't hurt, but overall the run time worked as it was supposed to. It's definitely a movie made for horror fans, by horror fans, and should definitely be on your list of things to see.


Final Thoughts- I dig the multiple posters...