September 30, 2009

The Complete List

This is not only a running tally to help keep things orderly as we go, but it's also a handy reference to look back on after we're finished. The Top 31 Hidden Gems of the 2000's 1- Trick r' Treat (2009) 2- Haute Tension (2003) 3- Session 9 (2001) 4- Let the Right One In (2008) 5- Paranormal Activity (2009) 6- The Children (2009) 7- Martyrs (2008) 8- Inside (A'Linterieur) (2007) 9- Battle Royale (2000) 10- Below (2002) 11- Dog Soldiers (2002) 12- Splinter (2008) 13- Baby Blues (2008) 14- Frontiere(s) (2008) 15- Dead Snow (2009) 16- Black Sheep (2006) 17- The St. Francisville Experiment (2000) 18- [Rec] (2007) 19- Them (Ils) (2006) 20- All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) 21- Alien Raiders (2009) 22- Home Movie (2008) 23- Slither (2006) 24- Killer Movie (2009) 25- Fritt Vilt (2006) 26- Ghosts of Mars (2001) 27- Dead in 3 Days (2006) 28- Tokyo Gore Police (2008) 29- Rovdyr (2008) 30- The Breed (2006) 31- Teeth (2007) The Top 31 Train Wrecks of the 2000's 1- The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008) 2- When a Stranger Calls (2006) 3- Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) 4- Halloween II (2009) 5- House of the Dead (2003) 6- The Fog (2005) 7- The Happening (2008) 8- Repo! The Genetic Opera (2009) 9- Bloodrayne (2005) 10- The Wicker Man (2006) 11- Twilight (2008) 12- Prom Night (2008) 13- Cthulhu (2007) 14- Shutter (2008) 15- Alone in the Dark (2005) 16- The Hitcher (2007) 17- One Missed Call (2008) 18- They (2002) 19- Van Helsing (2004) 20- April Fool's Day (2008) 21- Cursed (2005) 22- The Village (2004) 23- The Covenant (2006) 24- Boogeyman 3 (2008) 25- Dark Water (2005) 26- Day of the Dead (2008) 27- The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007) 28- Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008) 29- Saw IV & V (2007/2008) 30- Diary of the Dead (2007) 31- A Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

The Honorable Mentions- The Hidden Gems

~The Honorable Mentions~
Most people will most likely not have heard of the 31 hidden gems that were about to unearth. We know them all. Other horror fanatics will know them all. You may. Don't feel bad if you don't though, because most of the movie going public doesn't either. I discover new flicks every day, and I spend hours upon hours searching for them... So whether they were buried by the studio, marketed wrong, passed over by audiences, too obscure, or just not give a fair shake in general, the underrated gems on this list deserve to be seen by lovers of horror everywhere. Before we begin the countdown, here are a few that just missed the list. Let's listen to what The Master has to say... The Master says: "Acolytes was a great little Australian flick about some teens that try to mess with a serial killer, and learn the hard way that serial killers aren't to be messed with. Especially by teens. Laid to Rest was a bloody, fun, low budget slasher flick that gave us a new horror icon to love. With a name like Chrome Skull, you either have to love him, or piss yourself when he starts walking towards you." The Master says: "The french gave us some good movies this past decade, and Malefique was one of the best of them. Creepy, dark, and full of satanic magic, it's right up my vampiric alley. WTF was with that doll though? May was one of those movies that reminded me of every girl I've ever dated... and why I was terrified of them all. The lesson here is you don't mess with someone's heart, especially when the bitch is creepy to begin with." The Master says: "Ooh, two zombie flicks! Outpost is a cool story about some Nazi zombies that tear the ass out of a bunch of tough guy mercs. The British sure love their WWII horror flicks, but at least they make them well. Pontypool is a zombie flick with not many zombies in it... sounds crazy, right? This one is more of a psychological screw job, a low burner that makes you feel as isolated as the small crew of the radio station does... I can't wait for the sequel."

The Honorable Mentions- Train Wrecks

~The Honorable Mentions~
You didn't think it would all be fun and games, did you? With the good we must take the bad, and this decade gave us plenty of the bad ones to take... and yes, it absolutely hurt to take them. Let's see how pissed off The Master is after watching these Train Wrecks... and yes, there are 31 movies worse than these ahead... The Master says: "Anaconda 3: Offspring- As if another giant rubber snake movie wasn't bad enough, we're supposed to accept one with David Hasselhoff as the hero? I thought that seeing him wrestle a cheeseburger in a drunken rage was sad enough, but this tops even that. And who was the genius that greenlit American Psycho 2? Let's take the whiny chick from That 70's Show and shit all over the brilliance that was American Psycho! I should drain them of their blood for such an insult!" The Master says: "Steven Seagal being fat and walking around for his 20 minutes of screen time earns him top billing in Against the Dark? He's so out of shape that his actions scenes are off screen even when he's on screen. "I'm going hunting!" Yeah, probably for another ham. Or some cake. And Bad Biology... don't get me started. Killer vagina and mutant penis fall in love... and then hump each other to death... and the penis runs away at the end! Seriously." The Master says: "Fear Dot Com... how about Fear Dot Suck? Moving on... How could they make a sequel to Return of the Living Dead, one of the best zombie movies ever, and turn it into such an absolute crap-fest of a joke? Rave to the Grave? I have an idea, why don't you hold a rave in my 2000 year old ass.

A few words about The 31 Days of Horror.

No countdown can be perfect. No list can be infallible. If I had another month I guarantee that the top 31 movies on tour month long countdown, both the bad and the good, would change numerous times. We can celebrate, or decry, a bunch of movies that deserve it though, and that's the whole point. The only thing we can do is watch and share our opinion. Our opinions might suck, but at least we give them for people to mull over. The 31 Days of Horror is no more than that; us giving our opinions. I'm absolutely confident though that the 31 good movies we will count down are pretty damn good, and that the 31 bad ones suck pretty bad. If you don't agree with our choices, cool. At least we can still have fun! There will not be movies like Saw, The Ring, 28 Days Later, Hostel, The Devil's Rejects, or any of the myriad remakes that populated the decade on our best of list. Instead, we're counting down the top 31 lesser known movies that causal horror fans and movie fans alike most likely missed, or don't even know exist. The Hidden Gems if you will. There will be no Frankenfish, Leprechaun 2: Back to Tha Hood, Retardead, Night of the Hell Hamsters, or Mansquito on our worst of list either. For the Train Wrecks, we're focusing on the bigger budget movies that were actually supposed to be taken seriously but failed. You know, the ones that really, really pissed us off. The ones we truly DO NOT WANT. So sit back and enjoy. Let's talk horror and keep the spirit of Halloween alive from the first day of October up until the sacred night itself.

September 28, 2009

Trick r' Treat (2007/2009)

"Trick r' Treat has finally arrived, and an instant October classic is born. "

Sub-Genre- Supernatural
In Attendance- Me and Machine.
Cast Members of Note- Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker, Leslie Bibb, and Quinn Lord as Sam.

I'm not going to reveal too much of the plot here, because the story twists, turns, overlaps on itself, and comes together in the end, and It would be a shame to spoil it for you. Instead, I'll give you the official Warner Brother's synopsis to chew on:

As a Michigander, Ohio has always creeped me out.

It is said that Halloween is the night when the dead rise to walk among us and other unspeakable things roam free. The rituals of All Hallows Eve were devised to protect us from their evil mischief, and one small town is about to be taught a terrifying lesson that some traditions are best not forgotten. Nothing is what it seems when a suburban couple learns the dangers of blowing out a Jack-o-Lantern before midnight; four women cross paths with a costumed stalker at a local festival; a group of pranksters goes too far and discovers the horrifying truth buried in a local legend; and a cantankerous old hermit is visited by a strange trick-or-treater with a few bones to pick. Costumes and candy, ghouls and goblins, monsters and mayhem... the tricks and treats of Halloween turn deadly as strange creatures of every variety-human and otherwise-try to survive the scariest night of the year.

They should run.
There's also an evil little trick-or-treater named Sam that is all over the place in this one, wearing his creepy little burlap mask and Tricking those that refuse to give him Treats. How is he connected to everyone else? Why is he so creepy? Does he like candy apples? I won't spoil the movie by telling you, but suffice it to say that he does like candy. And murder.

She likes murder too.
This movie was simply fantastic. I don't know that I've ever seen a movie that captured the spirit and atmosphere of Halloween this well, and it instantly becomes mandatory yearly watching for the creepy month of October. I hesitate to give a movie a 10/10 score, because to me that implies a sort of perfection, but after watching this movie, I had no other choice.

It's odd too; the whole movie has a very lighthearted feeling about it, while also giving us and air of true tension and fear throughout. I wasn't "sacred", but I definitely had moments where I was thoroughly creeped out. Creepy masked people standing and staring usually does that to me.

Beyond creepy.
A fresh, imaginative, gorgeous, atmospheric, creepy little horror movie... isn't that a rarity these days for Hollywood? It's not a remake or sequel, nor is it a cookie cutter PG-13 Abercrombie ad looking snooze fest, and yet it works, and works very well. Maybe Hollywood should stop sticking movies like this on the shelf and release them. They can keep Saw XXI, we won't mind.

This movie has also given us an new all-time great horror icon in Sam, the creepy little costumed kid who may just be the physical manifestation of the spirit of Samhain. I hope we get to see more of him in other movies, or at least comic books or something; he was a truly awesome character.

Oh boy... you should have given him that Twix bar!
I wanted more that 82 minutes of this movie. The Blu-Ray has deleted scenes on it, but I want them in the movie! Aaah! Yes, I'm pouting.

I'd really like to know what possessed Warner Brothers to keep this one on the shelf for the better part of two years. Worse still, how could a Halloween flick this fun not get an October theatrical run? Not even a limited one? Hollywood politics really sucks sometimes, and I'm tired of the Horror genre suffering for it.

There was a good deal of blood and nastiness sprinkled throughout this one. I'll stay mum on the specifics so as to preserve the fun of the kills for you, but I will say that candy can be dangerous.

We get a quick boob or two here or there, but for the most part the sexy parts are sexy with no nudity.

Lot's o' sexy, but very little skin.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me." or "My, my... what big eyes you have."

Halloween is truly a creepy day. Also, don't chince on the candy.

A+ (10/10) This is truly a special movie that managed to live up to, and in some ways surpass the hype that has surrounded it for so long. I don't know if it's truly perfect, but I can say that it was a perfect Halloween movie going experience for me. I wish it had been longer, but aside from that, this is a fun, nasty little trip into the world of All Hallow's Eve that everyone needs to take for themselves.

I never get tired of seeing Anna Paquin. Also, what in the hell is that bear doing?

September 27, 2009

The week in "Do Not Want!"

Another quick one this week... We've seen them, we don't want to waste time reviewing them, we advise you to skip them.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto
Lately, I'm at a loss for words when it comes to Rob Zombie; Halloween 2 was one of the worst movies I've seen this year (and decade); he's planning on remaking The Blob, with a creature that isn't a blob (?!?); and now this...

This movie is painfully bad. It looks great, and the voice actors have nothing to be ashamed of, but it's such a vulgar and random mess of lame crap, that the rest doesn't matter... and I like vulgar. I LOVE VULGAR. I really think though, that Rob Zombie uses vulgarity so much because he just doesn't know how to do anything else.

For instance, the main character is playing an Italian guy in a porn movie, and he's about to have sex with two girls and says "How do youa likea my cannoli now, heh?" Funny line! Right? Unless you're a 12-year-old boy, no.
Enough with the nods to the old school Horror of way, way back Rob, it's not clever anymore. We get that you like old and weird shit, but not many other people do, hence why it's not around anymore. The 15-year-old Adult Swim crowd might like this movie, but it's lost on me, and not because I don't get it.

Random and endless curse words, cartoon sluts, cartoon boobs, cartoon porn, jokes that aren't funny, annoyingly kitschy sound effects... this one is for the brain-dead only. Your next project better be stellar, Rob Zombie, because one more strike makes three, and at that point, you can go fuck yourself.

  Graduation Day (1981)
I love cheesy 80's slasher flicks, but this one was just bad. From the horrible acting, to the seven-minute song sung live that seemed to never end, this was a painful movie to watch.Cheesy, slow, nearly bloodless, and unintentionally funny, skip this one unless you need a good laugh.. or a healthy cry.

The week in Guilty Pleasures.

We do a weekly post about the movies we wish we'd avoided (DO NOT WANT), so why not do one spotlighting the movies that we actually liked when we thought they'd end up sucking? Dark Rising- This one is a cheesy, sexy, often times humorous, lesbian kiss filled fun time. I should have hated everything about this movie but I liked it. I couldn't help it! The 10 reasons that I liked this movie:
#1- Cute chicks.
#2- Sapphic love. With this, you can never go wrong.
#3- Awesome boobs.
#4- A crazy rubber demon.
#5- Hot D&D warrior chicks with swords and knives.
#6- Christian of WWE Wrestling fame. He was pretty damned funny.
#7- This scene made me LOL.
#8- This little girl was awesome.
#9- Half naked chicks karate fighting.
#10- "He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"
This was surprisingly fun to watch, so grab a copy and check it out when you get the chance.

September 25, 2009

Infestation (2009)

"This movie delivers the cheesy b-movie goods. Whodathunkit?"

Sub-Genre- Horror comedy/Insect horror 
In Attendance- Me and Machine.  
Cast Members of Note- Christopher Marquette, Brooke Nevin, Kinsey Packard, and the always cool Ray Wise.  

A geeky telemarketing slacker wakes up in a sticky cocoon to find his office overrun with giant beetles. Through his use of keen investigation skills, he discovers that the entire city is pretty much the same way, cocooned and under insect siege. 

That goes way beyond web-eye.
He rescues some people from their cocoons, makes them vomit, and together they set out to survive. Luckily for him, one of the people he rescues is a really hot chick with super big boobs... or maybe it's just lucky for the audience. I'd like to think that were all lucky, and better off for having had her boobs around.

Thank you for your boobs. Thank you.
Soon enough they discover that the beetles are infusing themselves with humans, creating some creepy looking hybrid humeetle creatures. The humeetle's aren't very human at all though, and are willing to kill and cocoon even their loved ones for the betterment of the hive. Where did they come from, and why are they so angry at us?

I won't spoil what happens here next, but suffice it to say that amid all of the snarky laughter, some creepy stuff goes down, people die, bugs get squished left and right, we get some gratuitous nudity, and the ending will leave you screaming at your TV because it never happens. Confused? So was I!

"What happened?!?"
Infestation was a really fun movie. I had my reservations at first, especially when our very own Machine warned me that it was a Syfy movie, but those fears were quickly put to rest as the movie wore on. Funny, gross, and fun, Infestation is a great way to spend 90 minutes. It had an old school b-movie feel to it, and I'd love to see a sequel. Christopher Marquette absolutely carries this movie, and does a great job. The kid has comic timing down, and he brings an already good script to life admirably. Ray Wise was great as always too, so good that he even made me miss Twin Peaks. Overall, not a bad actor in the bunch here, which is truly rare for cheesy Horror flicks.

Again, the dog falls victim to the menace in a Horror movie! Other than Dog Soldiers, I can't remember watching a Horror movie recently where the dog doesn't die a horrible death, or in this case, become a John Carpenter-looking mutoid monster. 

Poor little pooch!
What happened at the end? Seriously, there had better be a sequel on the way, because I am unfulfilled.

Excessive vomit, various impalings, bug on human violence, human on human violence, shotgun violence, and all kinds of squished bugs... Grossness abounds in this movie.

We actually get to see a pair of boobs; not the boobs I really wanted to see mind you, but they were still pretty nice.

"Good god woman, let them breathe!"
"Let me tell you a little story... you're an idiot!" I LOL'd.

Beetles are filled with yogurt. Also, humeetles scream really loud. 

B+ ( 8.5/10) This is a fun little movie that had me laughing the whole time and never got boring or lame. This is NOT a Syfy channel movie, it just happened to premiere on TV is all, so don't let that dissuade you from seeing it. Grab a copy whenever you get the chance, and sit back and enjoy.

Deleted scene, or just a part of a crazy dream I had involving Brooke Nevin, a balance beam, a plunger, and a gimp mask? I'll leave you to decide for yourselves.