August 30, 2009

Quick Rant- Halloween 2 (2009)

This review is as poorly written and as disjointed as the movie was, so I'm sorry if it's a bit "off." My desire to put any more effort into this POS movie is gone, but read on. You'll still get the gist.

Sub-Genre- Slasher/Remake  
In Attendance- Me, Machine, and about 6 other people. 
Cast Members of Note- Mostly the same as the first one, plus a whole bunch of new random cameos by washed up actors. 

*Everything from here on out is going to be filled with venom and spoilers. BIG, HUGE SPOILERS. You've been warned. 

H2 picks up where the first one left off, with Laurie having shot Michael at point blank range in the face with a Magnum (I think it was a Magnum), Loomis having his eyes gouged out, and Annie being near death... except that Michael is alive, Loomis' eyes are fine, and Annie survives. Ok, fine. It's a Horror flick, I'm fine with just accepting certain things to facilitate a sequel. 

After a "ha, got ya!" dream sequence which negates the best part of the movie, we come to find that our sweet little Laurie has turned into a skanky looking, dirty pseudo-dread haired riot grrrl, who hangs with other skanky chicks calling each other "dick-licker", "dude", and just acting annoyingly lame. I guess that's because of what she "went through?" Does everyone who writes young girl characters these days have to make them sound like total annoying assholes? Yes Diablo Cody, I am talking to you! 

So she's living with Annie and her Sheriff dad out in the deep country of Haddonfield... Laurie is a retard, Annie is bitter and scarred, and the Sheriff is about the only person that doesn't make you instantly wish Michael had finished them off to begin with. Meanwhile, Michael is a wandering hobo - honestly- who roams around fields all day looking like Grizzly Adams' mongoloid son. He also grunts and moans when he's killing people now. Plus, I think he has a psychic homing beacon with which he can track Laurie/Boo/Angel

Laurie and Hobo-Mike also share the same "dreams" now, involving their mom and a young version of Michael, who visit both of them with horses, talking about "It's time to come home" and "It's time to finish this." It's all very surreal and pointless. We get that Michael is nuts. We get that Laurie went completely loopy. How about letting the actors show us that by emoting and using their craft rather than using some shoddy dream sequence shit every five minutes.  

Loomis completely does a 180 in this one too, going from concerned shrink to absolutely unconcerned author Celebretard without missing a step. He's a douchebag with a capital D for the entire movie, and then in the last 5 minutes he gets bored in his hotel room and rushes to the scene of Michael holding Laurie hostage to "help." 

Come on.

I supported Zombie through all of the House of 1000 Corpses bashing, as I thought it was really good in its own special way. I loved Devil's Rejects. Aside from a few issues, I liked his 2007 Halloween remake. I like his music. So it pains me to say that this movie contained very little along the lines of good. Brad Dourif was really good as the sheriff, as was Danielle Harris as Annie, but they didn't get enough screen time. Some of the imagery was cool, such as the pumpkin people dinner thing. I also liked how he shot it in 16mm; I love that gritty look. That's about it though.

The story, the dialogue, the random excuses for Michael to kill, the mostly-poor acting, the evolution of some of the characters... So about 75% of the movie. 

For all of his unique vision, Rob Zombie really struggles as a writer, and it shows here in a big way.

Everything else.  

Plenty of gore, as plenty of random people are thrown into the movie to give Hobo-Mike something to do.  

We do get some boobs, but it's nothing big. The movie is laced with a ton of dirty words though, so I guess that's like mouth nudity?

None of them. None of them was best.  

Well enough should be left alone. Also, we should have gone to see The Final Destination.
  
D (4.0/10) I give a lot of leeway with my Horror watching; I love plenty of less-than-stellar movies for many different reasons, and I'm always willing to let some shit go and enjoy the meat of an otherwise poor movie, but this one hurt. I think It hurt because I love Zombie and his work so much. 

I give it a D only because there are a few things I liked about it (as mentioned above in "The Good"), but in all reality, it's as much of a "Do Not Want" as I've seen in years. Either way, I won't watch it again, and I advise you to spend your money on something else.

 No. Just, no.

The Week in "Do Not Want!"

What a week for bad horror flicks... Ugh.

"The Crap."
The Crypt (2009)
At the point when a female crook watches her 12 year old brother take a bullet to the brain, then promptly attends a her crook-group meeting to discuss their next "job," I hated this movie. That wasn't even 10 minutes in. It's a shame too, because the opening sequence was pretty damned cool.

-This movie struck me as a LOW RENT version of The Descent; only in this, everything sucks.
-What's with the cut-to-black that happens every 5 minutes or so? Is it to trick our minds into thinking that The Crypt is over, and a real movie is beginning?
-"I have the biggest, and easiest, job of the century for us." Someone actually wrote that line.
-The acting is abysmal here too.
-Why was the kid who got shot never talked abou,t or referenced, again? Then again, the entire plot made little sense, why am I bitching?


Shit-Knight.

Stagknight (2007)
It's too goofy to be serious, and too painfully-unfunny to be a comedy. Whatever it's supposed to be, "clumsy mess" sums it up best.

Have you ever seen a handicapped child slipping down a set of icy stairs? This movie is less funny than that. Fine, that would actually be pretty funny, but you get my point.

Fart jokes, shit jokes, Predator-like FX from the knight's point of view, poor acting, a ridiculous script... and the worst BJ scene EVER! "Now get those teeth out Granny!" WTF?!?!

The two chicks were hot though. That was at least nice.


"This poster lies."
The Last Resort (2009)
The poster for this movie is totally awesome (though the image is nowhere in the film, not even close), but the movie is total shit. I mean that's really just the truth of it. Anyone having anything to do with the making of the movie Turista's should hunt the makers of this POS down and tea-bag them into unconsciousness.

It's not an exact ripoff, but it comes close enough before introducing the evil motel that makes everyone evil, which makes them eat each other and over act.

Seeing that the movie clocked in at a whopping 1 hr, 9 min should have been my big clue.

August 28, 2009

Halloween (2007)

"On the eve of Halloween 2, I thought it was only fitting to gather and watch Zombie's first stab at the series."

Sub-Genre- Slasher/Remake  
Cast Members of Note- Scout Taylor-Compton, Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon Zombie, Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe and Hanna Hall.  

Michael Myers is a little blond Danish kid who enjoys torturing animals, taking pictures of their carcass's, and carrying them around in a sack with him. His mom thinks it's what normal kids do, and since their entire family is nothing more than stereotypical whiskey-tango trash, maybe she's right.

Adorable.
It's all a moot point anyway, because eventually he graduates to killing people (starting with his whore sister and trashy step-dad), gets locked up in the unsane asylum, and turns into a painter. Mask maker. Whatever, He paints the f'ing masks. 

See?
After 20 years Dr. Loomis can't seem to cure Michael's insanity, so he tells him that they aren't friends anymore. That brilliant move prompts him to kill a bunch of guards and hospital staff, escape, and head back to Haddonfield to kill his other whore sister. In Laurie's defense, she was a baby when Michael knew her, so she couldn't really have been a whore, but she sure has the makings of one once she's all grown up. We know what she wants to do with Ben Tramer

I think we all know what happens from here on out.
This remake is no way even close to what the 1978 original was, in any way... that being said, this is also an effective, if not flawed, remake that packs a nice punch and delivers the goods. This is a brutal, skanky, visceral version of Halloween, filled with sex, foul language, and the "colorful" characters that are staples in Zombie's movies. 

Where the original was more subtle, atmospheric and terrifying, this version is more violent, chaotic and tension filled. Daeg Faerch is a great little Michael and Tyler Mane is equally as good as the grown up version, but the original Loomis and Laurie just can't be touched, though it's no fault of Malcolm McDowell or Scouty Compton. With Linda, it's pretty much a tie (because I dig Kristina Klebe.) 

If you look closely, you can see the haunting image of Kristina's ass. And a ghost.
Michael, why would you kill Danny Trejo like that? He's never been anything but nice to you!

Ok Rob Zombie, we get it; Michael Myers is a poor white trash kid with issues because he's got a stripper mom, an abusive step-dad, and a whore sister. You didn't need to make the first ten minutes of your movie near unwatchable just to drive your point home... over, and over, and over... Really, if the movie started at the school, it would be better off for it.

This is the face of white trash?
The blood flows freely in this one, and were treated to some nice kills. The best part of it all is that when the chicks get killed in this, they're all naked/topless and blood covered! You don't see that very often. Kudos, Rob Zombie.

Sheri Moon Zombie might not get naked (she never does!) but this movie has all sorts of skin on display; Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe and Hanna Hall all show their goods. 

This is like a trifecta of hot ass.
"As a matter of fact... I do believe it was" or "I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch!"

Parents are to blame for their kids turning out like shit. Also, If you have sex, you're going to be stabbed to death.

OMG! Orbs are real! Or not.
B+ (8.5/10) This is good stuff, especially if you like your Horror mean spirited and rough. Zombie took an institution and gave it a different spin, and it mostly worked. If not for the awful beginning scene, I may have been tempted to give it an A-... maybe.

I love you, Kristina Klebe.
 

August 25, 2009

Beautiful (2009)

"This movie is worth seeing for the sprinkler scene alone."

Sub-Genre- Serial Killer/Teen Terror
Cast Members of Note- Sebastian Gregory, Tahyna Tozzi, Asher Keddie, and Peta Wilson.  

As some creepy Tim Burton-esque music begins, we're told by voice over that not all is well in Australian suburbia; 2 pretty schoolgirls have gone missing only to show up sliced to bits, a third is still missing, and the creepy neighbor kid is stalking yet another local girl. The lesson here is that it doesn't pay to be a nubile young hottie down under. 

In cases like this, I fully endorse stalking.
The creepy neighbor kid eventually falls under the spell of the local whore, who sends him on a mission to uncover the neighborhood's darker side, and oh does he ever find it; subversive sex, old men masturbating, inappropriate dad-daughter relations, leathery rugger-bugger parties... Australia is one creepy/fun place. 

"You rush blindly into potential danger while I wait safely at home, ok?"
Along the way, creepy neighbor kid discovers that one of their neighbors (the one that lives in the creepy house at the end of the creepy block) is a convicted pedo and just might be up to his out murderous/raper-ous ways again. Will their snooping around get them into a mess that they can't escape from? Yes, yes I'd say that's fairly accurate. 

Relax, he just wants you to help him find his puppy.
I love the look of this movie which lends itself to the overall feel; everything is gorgeous and lush, with a heavy undercurrent of tainted darkness. This portrait of the suburban dream is unsettling and probably not far off from the truth. It's almost as if the beauty of the movie sucks you in until you're face to face with the ugliness that its hiding, and by that point, it's too late to run. 

This is basically a twisted coming of age story (as well as a meditation on how suburbia is all sorts of sketchy), demonstrating how a 14 year old boy's hormones can and often do lead them right into all sorts of trouble. The acting helped drive the message home with some nice work by the leads, especially Peta Wilson. She's fantastic here. 

Congratulations, you're a whore!
I liked the whole point of the movie, and I like how the director got us to "fall for it" too; all of the rumor, innuendo, paranoia, and the dynamic of a suburban neighborhood and the weight of its gossip... but the ending left me with questions.  

Thanks to this movie, I will never look at a sprinkler the same way again. I feel bad for my grass.

Trouble comes in all flavors, including wet.
I don't know what's worse; women using their sexuality to control the planet, or us men letting them get away with it. Either way, one this is certain... the power of the kitty is evil! 

Evil, evil little puss!
Not that kind of flick I'm afraid. One scene of violence is about all that we get.
   
This movie just oozes sexuality, and some of it of the creepy variety, but we get only a small bit of actual skin.
   
"What did you do to her?"
  
Suburban Australia is creepy. Also, snooping only leads to trouble.

To snoop here = stupid.
B+ (8.5/10) This was a really well made movie, and though the ending left me with a few questions, the payoff was interesting. Definitely worth a spin on DVD when you get the chance.  

Noice. (That's Australian for "Nice.")