July 31, 2009

DVD Review: Hush (2009)

I will not Hush about Hush!...

Cast Members of Note- William Ash and Christine Bottomley.

A jerky British wannabe writer and his girlfriend are driving around and fighting (mostly because he's a whiny bitch), when they see a naked girl caged in the back of a passing truck, screaming for help. Naturally, they decide to stick their nose into business where it doesn't belong, and everything goes to hell.

How about next time you stay in your car, dummy.
The jerky boyfriend wants to forget about the odd truck and let the Police handle it, but no, the girlfriend has to bitch and moan about "helping" and "doing the right thing" until he gives in and messes with the truck driver. This of course ends with his own girlfriend being kidnapped. Despite her having just dumped him, he decides to try and rescue her anyways which leaves him framed for murder, hunted by the Cops and the maniac, and best of all? Free of her god-awful bitching.

Hold on loosely, but don't let go... 
Will he find his girlfriend and live unhappily ever after? Will The Tarman kill them both? Will I ever get tired of British Horror flicks? I won't spoil what comes next for you here, but suffice it to say that this movie may have the best ending ever. (I may be overstating it a bit, but I just really loved the shit out of it.)

The end.
This movie is a really clever cat & mouse Thriller that uses some twists and tricks that actually surprised me. Some of the usual Horror annoyances were present, such as slightly annoying characters, but that was a very small thing to put up with and didn't distract too much from the over all enjoyment that the movie gave me. The tension was palpable here too, and William Ash did a great job conveying it through his performance. He started off as a bit of a ponce at the beginning, but by the end he had me rooting him on. We will see him again, and soon I imagine.

On a final note, I have to say that I really liked the ending to this movie. I won't say anything about it because I hate ruining shit for other people, but it was just nice to see something awesome for a change... I hope you get what I mean when you see it for yourself.

NEVER listen to the girl!
Dude... why always the dog!?! What did the cute, sweet little guy do that was so wrong that he deserved to die? How about let's start killing some cats maybe... or gerbils. Who gives a good goddamn about gerbils?

Also, the name of the villain in this movie is The Tarman, which is never really explained, or even mentioned unless I missed it, but that's not my issue here... There can be only one true Tarman, and he's the coolest Zombie of all time, and he yells "Brains!," and he rules... So, nice job stealing his identity, Hush!

There can be only one!
At the point where I look at an incoming text on my girlfriends phone ( just after she's been kidnapped), and it's from a guy who basically says "thanks for letting me finger you last night baby!," my happy ass would have stopped chasing the Serial Killer who had her in his truck, turned the car around, and let her enjoy her rape, death and/or rape & death. Bitch.

Here's an idea hun; maybe see if your secret lover can finger you out of trouble. Good luck.
Eye violence, hand violence, random old people murder, murdered Cops... This one isn't gory by any stretch, but it has the violence it where it counts.


What a waste...
"Remember me, you c**t?"

Mind your own business. Also, don't leave chicks alone in public or they'll get themselves kidnapped.

Just pull over and let him pass!
I got more out of this movie than I thought I was going to, and was quite pleased when it was all over. If you like a good cat & mouse type of Thriller, then this movie is for you. It's clever, fresh, and a hell of a thrill ride that you should definitely check out when you get the chance.


Hush is available now on DVD.


Christine Bottomely is in this.

July 29, 2009

DVD Review: The Breed (2006)

I love movies that involve doggy-style, and this one has plenty of it...

Cast Members of Note- Taryn Manning, Michelle Rodriguez, Oliver Hudson, Eric Lively, Hill Harper and Lisa-Marie Schneider.

A group of Post-Grad students head to a secluded island for a weekend of fun and hi-jinks, which mainly consists of drinking, trying to get laid and ripping on each other. Of course, the lone black guy in the movie takes the brunt of a lot of the ribbing since he's the "tag-a-long" and all. The poor guy just wants to get laid, but the snooty white girls will have none of it!

"Um, like, no and stuff. "
They drink, play a game of "spin the whore," drink, shoot bows, drink, and drink. When a little puppy shows up, it not only warms everyone's hearts, but it also brings death with it. The little scamp is part of a dog-gang that bullies humans and steals their wallets. They even smoke cigarettes! They're bad dogs!

Spin the whore.
The vicious dog-gang sets upon the lame College kids, nipping and biting their way through them in a blaze of dog-glory. In what has to be the films highlight, Taryn Manning actually karate fights a dog! It's really something to see. Will it be enough to save them though, or will the dogs have their day? I'm not going to spoil the ending for you here, but I will say that it doesn't look good for the humans.

The humans are fucked.
For a B-movie, The Breed was well-made, well-acted, and had a pretty decent level of suspense. The idea of intelligent, pissed-off dogs terrorizing a group of people may sound absurd, but it works to great effect here. Apparently Wes Craven sprinkled a little of his magic Horror dust over this production, because this was a pretty cool movie.

The realism on display throughout this one is what really made me the most happy; for once, we get a group of people that thinks things through and act pretty smart. It's pretty refreshing to feel as though the filmmakers made a movie for intelligent people for a change.

"We'll name him Death-Bringer!"
Bad dogs! You don't kill the hot women! Go lay down!

This dog needs to go back to Bitch School!
The ending... really? Does every single Horror movie have to use the same lame-ass ploy for one final jump scare in the very last scene?!? Boo! Yeah we get it, assholes; you suck at closing a film properly.

Us too, man. Us too.
Dog murder, dogs mauling people, arrow violence, dog explosions... there's all sorts of dog-on-dog, dog-on-people, people-on-dog, an even people-on-people violence to be had here.

Yeah, don't help him or anything.

These are the puppies I really wanted to see...
"Woof!" or "Bark!" or "Grrrr!" or "Some scary ass lassie's, that's what!"

Dogs hate people. Also, never trust puppies, because they lie.

This dog hates you.
This is a surprisingly good movie. Smart, tense, violent, well-made... this is definitely one to rent or buy, depending on your mood. Thanks for giving us a good one, Uncle Wes!


The Breed is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.


The women of The Breed make us howl with delight.

July 26, 2009

Quick Review: Skeleton Crew (2009)

"An asylum is being used by a film crew trying to film the movie "Silent Creek" based on murders that occurred in the 70's. The institution was shut down after Doctor Andersson "The Auteur" was caught making snuff films of himself torturing patients to death. While doing recordings, the crew find a hidden room. It contains the Doctor's undiscovered recordings, although the crew is disgusted by the snuff films, they decide not to call the police. The director of Silent Creek, becomes obsessed with Anderssons' films. He begins to act deranged, claiming their film is "not real enough."

I can't hate on Skeleton Crew like I do some DO NOT WANT movies, but in the end, it left me more than flat, and wondering what happened... because nothing really happens in this movie. It's slow and plodding, and the actors that should carry us through such trying minutes fail at making us care about their characters, or the plot. The guy who played the director was just bad. The snuff/torture scenes were pretty good and tough to watch, but that's about the only thing good about the entire movie. Not even an obligatory faux-lesbian sex scene could save this one, and that's saying a lot coming from me.

What is seen can not be unseen...
Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about MOVIE NAME HERE:

Those lips.
That masseuse.
The gore.
That shirt?
We don't know, we just ran out of things to try to like.
Watching this movie felt a lot like this picture. *We're the guy on the ground.