July 31, 2009

Hush (2009)

I will not Hush about Hush!... 

Sub-Genre- Truck Driver Terror
Cast Members of Note- William Ash and Christine Bottomley.

A jerky British wannabe writer and his girlfriend are driving around and fighting (mostly because he's a whiny bitch), when they see a naked girl caged in the back of a passing truck, screaming for help. Naturally, they decide to stick their nose into business where it doesn't belong, and everything goes to hell.

Next time, stay in your car, dummy.
The jerky boyfriend wants to forget about the odd truck and let the Police handle it, but no, the girlfriend has to bitch and moan about "helping" and "doing the right thing" until he gives in and messes with the truck driver.. This of course ends with his own girlfriend being kidnapped. Despite her having just dumped him, he decides to try and rescue her anyways which leaves him framed for murder, hunted by the cops and the maniac, and best of all? Free of her god-awful bitching.

Hold on loosely, but don't let go... (I love that song.)
Will he find his girlfriend and live unhappily ever after? Will the Tarman kill them both? Will I ever get tired of British Horror flicks? I won't spoil what comes next here, but suffice it to say that this movie may have the best ending ever. (I may be over stating it a bit, but I just really loved the shit out of it.)

The end.
This movie is a really clever cat & mouse Thriller that uses some twists and tricks that actually surprised me. Some of the usual Horror annoyances were present, such as slightly annoying characters, but that was a very small thing to put up with and didn't distract too much from the over all enjoyment that the movie gave me. The tension was palpable here too, and William Ash did a great job conveying it through his performance. He started off as a bit of a ponce at the beginning, but by the end he had me rooting him on. We will see him again, and soon I imagine.

NEVER listen to the girl!
On a final note, I have to say that I really liked the ending to this movie. I won't say anything about it because I hate ruining shit for other people, but it was just nice to see something awesome for a change... I hope you get what I mean when you see it for yourself.

Dude... why always the dog!?! What did the cute, sweet little guy do that was so wrong that he deserved to die? How about let's start killing some cats maybe... or gerbils. Who gives a good God damn about Gerbils?

At the point where I look at an incoming text on my girlfriends phone ( just after she's been kidnapped), and it's from a guy who basically says "thanks for letting me finger you last night baby!", my happy ass would have stopped chasing the Serial Killer who had her in his truck, turned the car around, and let her enjoy her rape, death and/or rape & death. Bitch.

Here's an idea hun; maybe see if your secret lover can finger you out of trouble? Good luck.
Eye Violence, hand violence, random old people murder, murdered cops... This one isn't gory by any stretch, but it has the violence it where it counts.


Asian Zombie Guy calls B.S. on this no nudity B.S.!
"Remember me, you c**t?"

Mind your own business. Also, don't leave chicks alone in public or they'll get themselves kidnapped.

B+ (8.5/10) I got more out of this movie than I thought I was going to, and was quite pleased when it was all over. If you like cat & mouse Thrillers, then this is for you. It's clever, fresh, and a hell of a thrill ride that you should definitely check out when you get the chance.

The name of the villain in this movie is The Tarman, which is never really explained, or even mentioned unless I missed it, but that's not my issue here... There can be only one true Tarman, and he's the coolest Zombie of all time, and he yells "Brains!", and he rules... So, nice job stealing his identity, Hush!

There can be only one!

July 29, 2009

The Breed (2006)

I love movies with doggy-style, and this one has plenty of it...

Sub-Genre-Bad Dogs
Cast Members of Note- Taryn Manning, Michelle Rodriguez, Oliver Hudson, Eric Lively, Hill Harper and Lisa-Marie Schneider. 

A group of post-grad students head to a secluded island for a weekend of fun and hi-jinks, which mainly consists of drinking, trying to get laid and ripping on each other. Of course, the lone black guy in the movie is the brunt of a lot of the ribbing since he's the "tag-a-long" and all. The poor guy just wants to get laid, but the snooty white girls will have none of it!

"Um, like, no and stuff. "
They drink, play a game of "spin the whore", drink, shoot bows, drink, and drink. When a little puppy shows up, it not only warms everyone's hearts, but it also brings death with it. The little scamp is part of a dog gang that bullies Humans and steals their wallets. They even smoke cigarettes! They're bad dogs!

Spin the whore.
The vicious dog-gang sets upon the lame College kids, nipping and biting their way through them in a blaze of dog-glory. In what has to be the films highlight, Taryn Manning actually karate fights a dog! It's really something to see. Will it be enough to save them though, or will the dog's have their day? I'm not going to spoil the ending for you, but I will say that it doesn't look good for the humans.

The humans are fucked.
For a B-movie, The Breed was well made, well acted, and had a pretty decent level of suspense. The idea of intelligent, pissed-off dogs terrorizing a group of people may sound absurd, but it works to great effect here. Apparently Wes Craven sprinkled a little of his magic Horror dust over the production...

The realism on display throughout this movie is what really made me the most happy; for once, we get a group of people that thinks things through and acts pretty smart... it's pretty refreshing to feel as though the filmmakers made a movie for intelligent people for a change.

Bad dogs! You don't kill the hot women! Go lay down!

This dog needs to go back to Bitch School!
The ending... really? Does every single Horror movie have to use the same lame-ass ploy for one final jump scare in the very last scene?!? Boo! Yeah we get it, assholes; you suck at closing a film properly.

Dog murder, dogs mauling people, arrow violence, dog explosions... there's all sorts of dog-on-dog, dog-on-people, people-on-dog, an even people-on-people violence to be had here.


These are the puppies I really wanted to see...
"Woof!" or "Bark!" or even "Grrrr!" or "Some scary ass lassie's, that's what!"

Dogs hate people. Also, never trust puppies, because they lie.

This dog hates you.
B+ (8.5/10) This is a surprisingly good movie. Smart, tense, violent, well made... this is definitely one to rent or buy, depending on your mood. Thanks for giving us a good one, Uncle Wes!

Something about this picture makes me want to get L O S T... with her!

July 26, 2009

The Week in "Do Not Want!"

After a few weeks with no DO NOT WANT's, we have once again struck horror fool's gold...
  Blood: The Last Vampire- Wow, I can't believe what an awful, laughable, utter mess this movie is. If you see this, you will be angry for having wasted your time. If for some reason you like this, or think it good, then you're most likely slow in the brain.

1- The acting is atrocious for the most part. Seriously unbelievable. Allison Miller was okay some of the time, but even she was bad. Onegen and the General were amongst the worst performances I've seen all year. Maybe ever.
2- The script is just ridiculous. Whoever wrote the dialogue should be ashamed of themselves, and everything that happened in this movie was just laughable. The schoolgirl sword fight was the low-light for me... and that's saying a lot.
3- The CGI blood and gore is horrible... is Karo Syrup and red dye too expensive to use in movies these days? I've never seen a worse blood effect in a movie. Ever.

At least Allison Miller is adorable, that's one thing.

I can't hate on Skeleton Crew like I do some DO NOT WANT movies (see above for an example), but in the end, this one left me flat and wondering what happened. Nothing really happens in this movie. It's slow and plodding, and the actors that should carry us through such trying minutes fail at making us care. The guy who played the director was just bad. The snuff/torture scenes were pretty good and tough to watch, but that's about the only thing good. Not even lesbian sex could save this one, and that's saying a lot coming from me.

Insane Sheep says "They're baaaaaad!"

July 24, 2009

Horror Hottie- Melissa George

If you don't like awesome boobs, pouty pillow-lips, hot Australian accents, chicks that like to kiss other chicks, awesome boobs, or Horror flicks, then you wont like Mmmelissa George! (For the record, I like all of those things except for the lesbian bit... that's just too chauvinistic and exploitative towards women.)

Mmmelissa George started her Horror Hottie career as a slutty mom in the remake of The Amityville Horror, which also starred fellow Horror Hottie Rachel Nichols.  Both of their performances tugged at our loin-strings, though in the end, Mmmelissa wins because she had a sex scene. I still say that they should duke it out in a pool full of lime Jell-O to decide who's hottest though, because that would be fun on so many different levels.

The babysitter is barely through the door and Mmmelissa is already trying to get her naked.
Turistas was her next film, where she played a bikini-wearing slut who drank too much and hooked up with random tourists. This is where she took her career to a new level, donning next to nothing to broaden her scope as an actress. We give kudos to her brave career choices, especially those which involve little-to-no clothing.

They should totally have a threesome before they jump.
In Waz, she played a cop whose ass looked really, really good in a pair of jeans. Sadly, she showed far less skin in this one than in previous efforts, and it was the beginning of a trend for Mmmelissa, as her next film saw her wearing a snowsuit for most of her screen time... and there's nothing sexy about snowsuits.

Couldn't 30 Days of Night have taken place in the desert? Ugh!
With 30 Days of Night, she fully arrived as a true genre hottie. Again, she didn't get naked, but she still looked really hot, and she carried a gun which just does something to us on a primal level. For the record, we're proud of her for letting Josh Hartnett die at the end too, because who needs him?

Triangle was a fun little time-juxtaposing Thriller, which saw multiple instances of Mmmelissa George facing off against one another... not to keep harping, but again there was no nudity from her, and this movie certainly could have benefited from two or three Mmmelissa George's involved in some sort of sinister group shower scene.

Oh, just shoot her already... she's become a prude.
Mmmelissa George is always showing up in one genre project or another, most of them pretty good, and for that we are thankful. She's one of those actresses working today that you can always count on to look hot while fighting to stay alive, and that's not an easy thing to pull off.

If we had to pick one flick of hers that shows off her scrappy survival skills the best, it would have to be A Lonely Place to Die; girlfriend was climbing mountains and shit while trying to dodge bullets and avoid rapey mountain men, and she did it all while looking perfect.

Now that's class.

This bitch is crazy.
This Australian sexpot may have toned down her on screen sluttiness a bit over the past few years (at least when it comes to her genre projects), but she's still doing her thing and entertaining us. I guess we can live with that, especially from one of the genre's best Millennium Hotties.

Still though, please get naked and bloody again soon, alright Mmmelissa?