The Last House on the Left (2009)

Perhaps one of the best horror remakes I've seen...


The Last House on the Left (Remake)
Sub-Genre- Torture Porn/Revenge

In Attendance- Me, and some guy two rows up that kept rubbing his crotch with his popcorn bag...

Cast Members of Note- The always awesome Tony Goldwyn, the always hot Monica Potter, the totally legal Sara Paxton, creepy Garret Dillahunt, and Superbad Martha MacIssac.

What's it about?- A family goes on a retreat to their lake house (the last one on the left) after the oldest child dies, to get their heads straight and have some "me" time. In a smart move, the 17 year old daughter takes off into town, hooks up with her slutty drug addict friend, and they hook up with a kid who looks like a serial killer based on his promise of some good weed.

"So like, you want to like, rape us and stuff like?"
The creepy kid's family is also on a retreat; from the law! When they interrupt the weed fest/makeover/potential threesome, everything goes to hell for the dumb girls. Violence, rape and murder ensues.

Oh yeah, I'd let them in.
After "taking care" of the girls, the creepy family heads to the other family's house for some medical attention, hot cocoa, and some much needed R&R. It's not long before the good family realizes what happened to their baby girl, and decides to fuck the creepy family up. I won't spoil what happens here, but suffice it to say that the mighty hammer of justice swings, destroying everything in its path.

Oh man, that creepy family is so screwed!
The Good- This is not a date movie. It's nasty, uncomfortable, hard to watch in parts, and extremely violent. It's also a hell of a film, acted and directed to near perfection, and satisfying in just about every way imaginable. I think it improves on the original in many ways, but then again it's a different era and the remake sets a different tone.

I give a lot of credit to Sara Paxton for taking a role that must have been excruciatingly hard to play in some parts, and acing it. I also love Tony Goldwyn; he's always good in whatever role he plays and he's near flawless as the dad in this. Monica Potter rocked too. Plus, she's as hot as her daughter. Garret Dillahunt... he played the updated version of Krug rather convincingly as well. Somewhat likable, totally loathsome, and just nasty. Great job.


Dennis Iliadis directed the hell out of this movie, and he has a bright future ahead of him. He created a dark and foreboding atmosphere, and made the story believable. Most American-made horror films fail to reach this level or craft and realism anymore. Kudos my good sir.

The Bad- How stupid are teen girls? I know that question can often times be rhetorical, but in this case, I need to know. A random, shady-looking stranger kid comes into your store, offers you weed, and you close up shop, head to his dirty motel room, and give him a makeover? If that doesn't spell "potential rape", I don't know what does.

Beautiful, but dim.
The Downright Horrendous- Watching your friend be stabbed multiple times, then being raped while you watch her lay there and die... That's beyond F'd up.

The Gory- Rape, impromptu stitches, stabbing, nose breaking/tweaking, and all kinds of miscellaneous havoc is wreaked by some pissed off parents!


The Naked- This movie made me afraid to think of anything sexual. There are some boobs though. And a butt cheek.

Best Line- "Do you want to know how tight your little homecoming queen was?" Damn.

What did we learn?- Never rape someone's daughter then sleep at her parents house. Also, never run off to smoke weed with a random skanky looking kid.


Rating- A (9/10) This is a superb remake which surpasses the original in many ways, and still manages to be a good movie all on its own. Catch it in theaters if you haven't already, or grab it on DVD later this year.

Final Thoughts- My room is the last one on the left Monica...

The Children (2009)

This film is truly horrifying...


The Children (2009)
Sub-Genre- Evil Kids

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- The lovely Hannah Tointon, Rachel Shelley, and Eva Birthistle. Also, a bunch of really creepy kids.

What's it about?- Two families gather to celebrate the holidays in the quaint countryside of England... and if you've seen any type of European Horror films lately, then you know that absolutely nothing good will come of it.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet "nothing good."
Upon arriving, one of the kids notices something odd in the brush, and goes to investigate; soon after which he get's sick and starts acting all kinds of weird. It spreads quickly to the other kids, and though they act odd and even mildly crazy, the adults don't seem to notice at all... maybe because they're to busy drinking and having fun to see that they're all about to die.

"Um, are the kids acting... screw it, let's do more shots!"
It's not long before a series of "accidents" begins to befall the adults, and sends them all into a state of retarded confusion. The oldest child, teenager Casey, knows something is up though; goth kids have a sixth sense about evil children. Wikipedia says so.

These kids are creepier than I am, and I'm goth!
I wont spoil the rest of what happens here, but suffice it to say that the shit hits every type of fan ever made, and the f'ing air conditioner too.

The Good- Dread and unease permeate this movie and never really seem to let up, and are eventually joined by some vicious violence and gore; when mixed together, they basically have a square dance on your nuts until you end up hiding in your closet and crying like a small child. Ok, I may be exaggerating just a bit, but this is one taxing movie, and that's no joke .

I have no words to describe this scene, nor the hinted at subplot which inspired it.
This movie is profoundly disturbing, and left me feeling a bit numb at the end. Only bits and pieces of the reasons for the children turning on their parents are given to us, and maybe that's the worst part. Actually, the worst part is probably the fact that 6 and 7 year old kids are hell bent on killing their parents.

The ending was one of the best I've seen in quite a while too. It came out of nowhere, and chilled me to the bone. It also left me with questions which I wish I had definitive answers too, but hey, at least it made me think.

"Like seriously, WTF?!?"
The Bad- Great Britain has hippies? Yes they do! I thought it was a California Dreamin' thing myself, but I guess the bohemian lifestyle is lame enough for any country. "We don't hit children around here", one of the Brit-hippies says to his brother-in-law. How very progressive of you chap! Too bad that hitting them may just have saved your life. Or maybe stabbing them.

The Downright Horrendous- How can you just leave your wife, I mean walk out one her, in the middle of such a whirlwind of child carnage? "Stay here bitch, I'm pretty much done with you?" That's cold. Thankfully, karma is a mighty, mighty bitch.

The Gory- This movie has plenty of child violence, both done by them and too them. Some of it is genuinely unsettling, especially if you love kids. Luckily for me, I hate them.

Screw the kids and run!
The Naked- No, but we do get a scantily clad milf in lingerie, and a hot goth schoolgirl-looking chick in a short skirt.

Best Line- "I told you he was a knob." or "I'm taking care of mother!"

What did we learn?- Kids suck. Also, stay out of the European countryside... I've told you this before!

Rating- A (9/10) This was a well crafted and genuinely terrifying movie; the happenings of which will stay with you long after you've finished watching. It's on Region 2 DVD now, and I'm hoping for a U.S. DVD release soon. Either way, definitely see this one as soon as you can.

Final Thoughts- God do I ever love British women.

More pics from The Children (2009)

She's 21, I can call her hot if I want!

Sauna (2009)

Wow, another good horror flick from Scandinavia...


Sauna (Filth)
Sub-Genre- Supernatural

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- The show stealing Ville Virtanen and Tommi Eronen.

What's it about?- Two brothers head off into the deep recesses of 1500's Finland to draw a map with some Russians. Apparently, Finland was once a part of Sweden, but the Russians wanted it so they fought a war... whatever.

Brotherly love &/or hate.
The two brothers (one a happy-go-lucky solider that loves to kill, the other a map making wuss), kill a farmer and nearly rape his teen daughter, but decide to lock her in a root cellar instead. For the record, root cellars back in the 1500's were basically holes in the ground. Sounds nice, doesn't it? They just move along, leaving her to fend for herself, because they have a border to define. Men.

"You gon' get raped... or left behind to die. Not sure yet."
While trying to fairly divvy up the land that will become Finland one day, they come upon a creepy village with a bunch of old people and an even older building which we find out is a "Sauna." Things start to get really weird here, as one of the brothers becomes haunted by the girl they left behind, and the other by a girl who looks like a boy, whom he may want to rape.

"Sauna? It looks like a rape shack. I'll wait out here."
I won't spoil anymore here, but suffice it to say that no one gets raped, but men do bathe each other gently. Twice.

The Good- Brilliantly directed, and even more brilliantly acted, Sauna is a really damn good movie. Ville Virtanen steals the show as the tormented and war ravaged older brother, giving a hell of a performance that leaves me wanting more from him.

Great shot, great actor.
It's visually breathtaking, moody and dark, and very sparse. Antti-Jussi Annila has a bright future ahead of him in directing, and I hope he does more genre work. I can't say that this movie "Scared" me very much, but it did manage to keep me on the edge of my seat and think things like "Don't go in there!", "Run!", and "Don't go in there, just run!" to myself. Very atmospheric and effective.

The Bad- Not one, but two scenes of naked men bathing each other... say what?!? Things must have been rough and tumble in 1595 Sweden.

The Downright Horrendous- What was with the ending? I'm a fairly smart individual (I think), and I'm still not sure what ended up happening.

?!?
The Gory- Most of Sauna was blood-free, but when we did get the gore, it was pretty messy. The last 10 minutes or so is the big gore payoff.


The Naked- Plenty of man ass & peen, but nothing of the female variety.

Best Line- "To protect her. From you." or "All you had to do was come back."

What did we learn?- Don't rape, kill, or abandon anyone. Ever.

Rating- B+ (8.5/10) A wonderfully acted and produced film, Sauna is subtle yet effective in what it sets out to do. It's basically a morality play fused with elements of dread and head scratching horror. See it if you like to feel appreciated as an audience member, because this film does just that.

Final Thoughts- I prefer this kind of sauna... the ones with naked chicks in them.

March- Week 4; The week in "Do Not Want!"

We've seen them, we don't want to waste time reviewing them, we advise you to skip them.

This week's entries:
Dark Reel- Ugh. Cool looking killer, shit movie. Does Edward Furlong ever not suck?
The Room at the End of the Hall- Made for TV dreck... Lifetime network style.
The Legend Trip- No. No, no, no.
While She Was Out- Kim Basinger in torture porn? Yay.
The Devil's Ground- Is this a made for Sci-Fi movie? Lame twist warning!
Baseline Killer- Another Uli Lommel gem... is he Uwe Boll's cousin?
Bled- Not a bad effort, it just did absolutely nothing for me.

Nana says, "These movies make my goiter itch!"

Dead Snow (2009)

This is my favorite horror flick of the year so far. IFC is planning to give it a limited theatrical release on June 12th... it must be seen on the big screen!


Dead Snow (a.k.a. Dod Sno)
Sub-Genre- Zombie

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Jenny Skavlan, Lasse Valdal, and a bunch of other Norway people.

What's it about?- A bunch of Nord college kids on Easter Break head into the mountains for some tubing, sex, drinking, and whatever else you do for fun in Norway. On their first night in the death cabin, a creepy old dude comes along and tell them that the mountains are crawling with the evil essence of dead Nazi soldiers, and they laugh at him. In return, he tells them their coffee sucks, and goes camping.

He does not have a good camping trip.
Soon enough, Nazi zombies show up and start wreaking havoc on the poor students, forcing them to fight back, run, or die... and in some cases, all three. They are forced to split up for various reasons, and have to resort to some pretty drastic measures to survive; bashing birds to death against trees, sewing their own neck wounds shut, using a snowmobile as a face-sander, and even using Gymkata to beat back the Nazi undead.

Oh look, the party killers are here.
I won't spoil any more for you here, because things get pretty crazy, but suffice it to say that the Nazi's want more than just human flesh, and we may just have a Final Guy on our hands instead of a Final Girl.

Does Jackie Earle Haley live? He just might!
The Good- I love this f'ing movie. I can't remember having this much fun watching a horror flick in a long time. Its tongue in cheek nature is reminiscent of Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, or Shaun of the Dead in a way, because it mixes humor and horror so well.

I liked the over the top action too. From the foot stomping at the edge of the cliff, to the zombie wake up call scene, it's almost melodramatic in its mechanics, but it works. A machine gun mounted on a snowmobile? Count me in!


It's not a perfect movie, but what it does well, it does really well. I liked the characters, the setting was gorgeous, the zombies were bad ass, the humor was well placed and effective, the gore was over the top and plentiful... aside from the use of CGI in places, i don't actually have much to bitch about.

The Bad- Outhouse sex. I'm all for some crazy aardvarking, but right after you drop a deuce in the latrine? I mean the guy just wiped, and here comes the hot chick bursting in, straddling him, licking his fingers (WTF?!?), and going to town... did she not notice the smell?

"Can you smell my love?"
The Downright Horrendous- I'm not a big fan of CGI in horror movies; it always makes me cringe a bit when I see digital blood being sprayed everywhere. Maybe I'm nitpicking, but I'll take Karo Syrup and red food coloring any day of the week.

The Gory- This movie reminded me a lot of Dead Alive in the gore department; once it started, it was insanely over the top. Great stuff.

The Naked- No, but we do get Jenny Skavlan in a bra, and that was pretty damn nice.

We almost get to see these!
Best Line- "Ok." In context, that line made me laugh out loud.

What did we learn?- Norwegians speak English very clearly. Also, zombies are very materialistic.

Rating- A (9/10) This movie frigging rocked and it's destined to become a cult classic, if it isn't already. It's not perfect, but it's fun, bloody, interesting, visually breathtaking, fun, and bloody. And fun. See this as soon as you can!

Final Thoughts- Norwegian chicks are hot.

The Devil's 10

If you're a horror fan, you have to love The Devil. He's dapper, manipulative, shrewd, mean, and above all else, evil. Sometimes he even looks like a whore.

To show our underworld love, we give you 10 awesome movie/TV devils that run the gamut from hot to bad ass.

1- Lucifer (The Prophecy)- It's a shame that Viggo's Satan was on screen for such a short time, because he was ridiculously bad ass! I so wanted a showdown between him and Gabriel in that movie... but at least we got some cool lines and wicked tension from him. "How I loved listening to your sweet prayers. Then you would hop into bed, afraid that I was hiding under it. And I was." Good stuff.

2- The Devil (Bedazzled)- Ok, Bedazzled really sucked, as do all Brendan Fraser movies, but Elizabeth Hurley playing The Devil was a thing of beauty. Stripper, French Maid, Cheerleader, Naughty Schoolgirl... she became them all in the name of temptation. I love her. (More pics of devilish Liz in the post below.)

3- Louis Cyphre (Angel Heart)- Louis Cyphre (Lucifer, get it?) was a smooth character. He played from the shadows, using people as pawns, and ate eggs. Deniro was about the only guy that could beat Mickey Rourke's ass in the 80's, and he downright schooled him in this movie. I dig the fingernails.

4- John Milton (The Devil's Advocate)- What a playful Devil Pacino made; even his name was a great in-joke to him. He had threesomes, banged peoples wives, had billions... isn't that what being Satan is all about?

5- The Man/Satan (End of Days)- After seeing this movie, I actually believed that Gabriel Byrne was Satan. Unfortunately, I also believed that if I didn't stop him the world was doomed, and that landed me in jail. Satan even controls the cops. You win this round Byrne...

6- The Lord of Darkness (Legend)- Tim Curry rules in this. Darkness might possibly be the coolest looking Satan I've ever seen. I kept waiting for him to break into song and make out with Tom Cruise, but thankfully that didn't happen.

7- Old Scratch (Rock n' Roll Nightmare)- In quite possibly the worst movie ever made, Old Scratch does battle with John Triton, a he-man of a rock star wearing a studded thong and fetish outfit. He's really The Intercessor, which is basically a half retarded arch angel of sorts. If you love bad movies, check out this link and prepare to die laughing. Be sure to watch the video at the bottom LOL.

8- Satan (South Park)- Satan is gay and in love with Saddam Hussein. Does anything else really need to be said?

9- El Diablo/Pitch (Santa Claus)- Satan vs. Santy Claus... now how can that idea be bad? This is a great MST3k style flick, and in fact it was one of their best episodes. A truly horrible film, Pitch will make you laugh and wonder why were afraid of The Devil and not bad movies.

10- The Devil (The Devil and Daniel Webster)- The Devil has awesome boobs. This movie is proof.