The Last House on the Left (Remake)
Sub-Genre- Torture Porn/Revenge
In Attendance- Me, and some guy two rows up that kept rubbing his crotch with his popcorn bag...
Cast Members of Note- The always awesome Tony Goldwyn, the always hot Monica Potter, the totally legal Sara Paxton, creepy Garret Dillahunt, and Superbad Martha MacIssac.
What's it about?- A family goes on a retreat to their lake house (the last one on the left) after the oldest child dies, to get their heads straight and have some "me" time. In a smart move, the 17 year old daughter takes off into town, hooks up with her slutty drug addict friend, and they hook up with a kid who looks like a serial killer based on his promise of some good weed.
The creepy kid's family is also on a retreat; from the law! When they interrupt the weed fest/makeover/potential threesome, everything goes to hell for the dumb girls. Violence, rape and murder ensues.
After "taking care" of the girls, the creepy family heads to the other family's house for some medical attention, hot cocoa, and some much needed R&R. It's not long before the good family realizes what happened to their baby girl, and decides to fuck the creepy family up. I won't spoil what happens here, but suffice it to say that the mighty hammer of justice swings, destroying everything in its path.
The Good- This is not a date movie. It's nasty, uncomfortable, hard to watch in parts, and extremely violent. It's also a hell of a film, acted and directed to near perfection, and satisfying in just about every way imaginable. I think it improves on the original in many ways, but then again it's a different era and the remake sets a different tone.
I give a lot of credit to Sara Paxton for taking a role that must have been excruciatingly hard to play in some parts, and acing it. I also love Tony Goldwyn; he's always good in whatever role he plays and he's near flawless as the dad in this. Monica Potter rocked too. Plus, she's as hot as her daughter. Garret Dillahunt... he played the updated version of Krug rather convincingly as well. Somewhat likable, totally loathsome, and just nasty. Great job.
Dennis Iliadis directed the hell out of this movie, and he has a bright future ahead of him. He created a dark and foreboding atmosphere, and made the story believable. Most American-made horror films fail to reach this level or craft and realism anymore. Kudos my good sir.
The Bad- How stupid are teen girls? I know that question can often times be rhetorical, but in this case, I need to know. A random, shady-looking stranger kid comes into your store, offers you weed, and you close up shop, head to his dirty motel room, and give him a makeover? If that doesn't spell "potential rape", I don't know what does.
The Downright Horrendous- Watching your friend be stabbed multiple times, then being raped while you watch her lay there and die... That's beyond F'd up.
The Gory- Rape, impromptu stitches, stabbing, nose breaking/tweaking, and all kinds of miscellaneous havoc is wreaked by some pissed off parents!
The Naked- This movie made me afraid to think of anything sexual. There are some boobs though. And a butt cheek.
Best Line- "Do you want to know how tight your little homecoming queen was?" Damn.
What did we learn?- Never rape someone's daughter then sleep at her parents house. Also, never run off to smoke weed with a random skanky looking kid.
Rating- A (9/10) This is a superb remake which surpasses the original in many ways, and still manages to be a good movie all on its own. Catch it in theaters if you haven't already, or grab it on DVD later this year.
Final Thoughts- My room is the last one on the left Monica...