Walled In (2009)

Here's one that I liked, but the ending ruined it for me...


Walled In
Sub-Genre- Trapped/Survival

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Mischa Barton, Debra Kara Unger, Cameron Bright.

What's it about?- This movie sure starts on one f'd up note; a little girl is "Walled" into a tiny little space, and starts screaming for her dad. We then get to watch the room begin to quickly fill up with concrete, and hear her cries stop. Poor kid.

Maybe next time don't sass so much, and just do your chores.
This is a story about a mason gone bat shit crazy, and a girl demolitions engineer sent to blow his building back to hell! Mostly. Mischa Barton plays a naughty girl trying to go straight by holding a job, except she cant escape her vices... she smokes weed, lets a 15 year old kid rub her up, has sex, takes of her shirt in front of strangers... she's trouble!

Bad girl, Mischa! Call me though, we should hang.
So anyways, years ago a bunch of people were sealed up in the walls of this old building and murdered (like the little girl), and now Mischa is prepping it for demolition, and odd things begin to happen. Thank god she has a creepy 15 year old little buddy that will keep her safe. Yeah. Trust him. I would.

Smoke some more weed why don't you.
I wont spoil the ending here for you, mainly because the ending spoiled the movie for me, but it's safe to say that creepiness ensues.

The Good- This movie had me entertained right up until the last 10 minutes or so, and then it completely lost its footing. I don't understand what happened in the final minutes of the third reel, as it lacked in a few different ways. I won't go into it here because I don't wait to spoil the events for those who haven't seen it, and it's mostly a decent movie, but it pissed me off.

With the pacing, there are some genuinely creepy moments in this movie. The whole idea of being "walled in" is seriously disturbing to me, and the theme works well in the creepy setting.


Mischa Barton actually did a pretty good job with her role in this. Unfortunately, Cameron Bright is still doing his "Creepy kid" routine, and it's no better than it was before.

The Bad- Are we supposed to buy Mischa Barton as a demolitions engineer? Or that she's sent on her first job alone to plan out the demo of a massive creepy old building? Don't they send teams in for that? And when the crew does show up, the way they behave seems to fit the plot more than it does reality.

Sorry, but I'm not going in there alone.
The Downright Horrendous- They totally ripped off the Nightmare on Elm Street Rhyme! "9,10, He'll wall you in?" Thieves!

The Gory- A leg injury, blood dripping from a wall, spear gun violence, dog violence, a stabbing or two... this one contains a fair amount of violence I suppose.

The Naked- Mischa takes a bath, but we get no goodies. A few more times she teases us and comes close, but leaves us hanging.

Tease!
Best Line- "But waking up with a dead dog as a house guest makes me think, perhaps it's time to go." or "She can't take care of you like I can."

What did we learn?- When someone says "Let's go" , just friggin leave. Also, never trust the creepy neighbors.

Rating- C- I actually like this movie until it absolutely shit the bed with about 10 minutes left, hence the low grade. For the most part this is well made, well acted, and does a great job with atmosphere and mood... I say see it, but the end will most likely leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.

Final Thoughts- She smokes weed, doesn't mind nudity, and has no issue with lesbian scenes... We like this girl.

First Image from H2!

Laurie Strode (Scouty Compton) being worked on in the ER; does part 2 pick up right after the events of part 1?
Halloween 2 has started shooting, and Rob Zombie is keeping fans apprised of its progress via his Myspace page once again.

Everything is going great. This film is going to blow away my last trip to Haddonfield. Ultra gritty, ultra intense and very real. Here is a sneak peek of Laurie moments after being wheel in to the ER.

I'm geeked for this one, as I really liked the 2007 remake of the original (for what it was.) Six months and counting!

February 2009 Wrap-Up

The year keeps getting better and better for DVD releases as it goes on, so I guess I won't complain too much about the sparse theatrical showing that horror has made this month.

At the box office we got...
-1 Cool Movie- Friday the 13th. This one seems to have divided horror fans as to whether it sucked or ruled, but it's made 71 million plus so far, so it's good for the genre at least.
-2 Limited Releases- Babysitter Wanted and Eden Log, both of which I'd like to see. Babysitter Wanted looks especially good to me.

On DVD we got...
Own it- His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of F13th, Re-releases of F13th Parts 1-3, Killer Movie, Midnight Meat Train, Last House on the Left SE, The Bird With the Crystal Plumage SE
Rent it- Dorothy Mills, The Lodger, My Name is Bruce, Alien Raiders, Quarantine, Red Mist.
Skip it- Feast 3, The Haunting of Molly Hartley.
Rent or Skip, we can't decide- Against the Dark, Red Sands.
The one's we haven't seen yet- Small Town Folk

So, 1 good theatrical flick and a bunch of great buy/rent DVD's just about sums up the shortest month of the year.

March brings The Last House on the Left remake (which looks pretty good), The Haunting in Connecticut (Which I'm not sure that I want to see), and another slew of awesome DVD's such as Let the Right One In, all 8 of the After Dark Horrorfest titles, and Twilight... Ugh.

#22- Burial Ground (1981)

Now this one is a classic. If you love 80's style Italian zombie movies, then read on...


Burial Ground (Le Notti del terrore)
Sub-Genre- Italian Zombie!

In Attendance- Me, The Vanilla Gorilla, Eryn, and Nick.

Cast Members of Note- Karin Well, Antonella Antinori, Anna Valente, and the utterly creepy Peter Bark.

What's it about?- Three couples and a creepy little kid that looks like he's in his 40's, head to a remote country estate to have a wild weekend of sex, creepy incest, and sex. Unfortunately for them, a bunch of rotted old zombies decide to rise from the grave, and join in the party, adding flesh eating to the whole incest and sex thing.

He's cute right? Go ahead and tuck him in. Go on...
The zombies move about as quick as a crippled 90 year old man trying to climb a molasses staircase, and yet everyone still has the darnedest time outrunning them. I guess they forgot that they had cars too, because driving away would be something the zombies might suspect? Running from the undead, then waiting for them to catch up, then running and hiding, the dying sucks as a plan to me. Maybe I don't get it because I'm not Italian.

"Were coming, were coming. God, just relax... even more than you already are."
The creepiest part of the whole weekend comes when the mom and her son start kissing and rubbing on each other, ending in a near fingerbang that leaves even mom a bit shocked. Later, she let's him lick on her nipple and bite it off. I guess mom's a bit of a slut, eh? Either that, or creepy little Michael's just got it like that. Either way It made me spit up a little.

I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that once again, the Italians leave me scratching my head. And laughing.

They spelled prophecy with an "f"... LULZ!
The Good- This movie gives us the classic old school, slow moving Romero/Fulci like zombies, as only the Italians of the early 80's could do it. As cheesy of a movie as this is (The dubbed voices made me lol several times), Eryn said "Cool" or " I love them!" every time a new zombie came on screen. They just looked cool, and moved all bad-ass slow style, and always managed to get their pound of flesh! Good stuff.


Ok, so this is an early 80's Italian horror flick... You have to expect lame/funny dubbing, ridiculous and nonsensical plot elements, and and ending that will literally make you say "huh?!?" The payoff though is in what you get in return; tons of gore, some bad ass visuals, hot and slutty chicks that get naked often, and some messed up plot elements that will make you say "wtf?!?"

They don't make 'em like this anymore folks.

The Bad- Is it too much of a stretch to suggest that you grab the car keys and drive off... in one of the three cars sitting outside? How about running? Maybe you could do that when flesh eating zombies are shambling towards you. Then again, you just standing there saying "What's going on?" gives me reason to yell at the screen I guess.

Just sit there, don't run or anything.
The Downright Horrendous- That little kid was creepy, and the mom wasn't much better; did she not think it odd to be kissing her son over and over again while he's playing with her boobs? At least she freaked out a little when he tried to finger her. I'm not kidding.

Yes, that really happened.
The Gory- It's an Italian zombie flick, of course it's gory; gut munching, skin ripping, flesh eating, head splitting, zombie splattering, shard of glass violence, farm implement violence, nipple ripping... tons of the crimson goodness!

The Naked- It's an Italian horror film from the early 80's, you know you get some quality boobs and butts!

Yes, yes, I covered up the nipple! Geesh.
Best Line- "You look just like a little whore, but I like that in a girl." or "You're getting a raise out of me alright, but it has nothing to do with money."

What did we learn?- Early 80's Italian zombies have no equal, for better or worse. Also, kids shouldn't try to penetrate their mothers.

Rating- A- Despite being ridiculous on many levels, this is one of the best zombie movies ever. The look of the zombies, coupled with the Italians love of over the top gore and bad dubbing make this one a must see. Go buy it, you'll probably find it on the cheap.

The Vanilla Gorilla Says- Upon hearing the classic line of "You look just like a little whore" and cringing as the little kid tried to feel his mom up, he exclaimed "This might be my best movie of ever." Touche my friend. Touche.

Fact: Zombies enjoy gardening. This picture is obviously proof of that.

#18- Bordello of Blood (1996)

This movie is exactly what Tales From the Crypt is meant to be; cheesy and fun...


Bordello of Blood
Sub-Genre- Vampires

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Nick.

Cast Members of Note- Angie Everhart, Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon.

What's it about?- Dennis Miller plays a guy named Rape Guttman, who is hired by a hot virgin chick to find her asshole brother. Using his skills of sarcasm and acerbic wit, he tracks him to a whorehouse which just so happens to be filled with vampire whores. there, he snarks his way in and out of trouble, and manages not to get laid.

She just might be worth it...
Caught between the hot virgin, and the slutty evil vampire queen (Both of whom he'd like to aardvark), Rape does battle with an evil midget, and equally evil reverend, naked vampires, and his overindulgent use of pop culture witticisms. Also, he has a laser gun that shoots crosses. True story.

Dennis Miller... action hero?
I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that it's a Tales from the Crypt movie, so you know it ends all "Dun-dun-dun!" style.... and with a cheesy outro by old Crypty himself!

"Wait, this isn't Lost Boys 2?!?"
The Good- On many levels, this movie just isn't good; it's cheesy, poorly scripted, predictable, formula... but it's Tales From the Crypt, so that's to be expected. What it does do well, is make you have some fun, and shut off your brain for a little while. Boobs, blood... that's about it really. Boobs and blood.

The Cryptkeeper just rules. His lame jokes, creepy face, and penchant for blood are what made Tales a great show when it was on HBO. I guess he's one of those characters that you either love or hate though.

How can you not love this face?
Let's face it, the 90's kinda sucked for the horror genre. This is one of the better offerings from that decade, for better or for worse. Sad, I know.

The Bad- Like most things with the name Tales From the Crypt attached, this one is heavy on the cheese and humor. After seeing Demon Knight, which was an awesome movie, this played more like an over-long TV episode.

The Downright Horrendous- Why were neither Angie Everhart or Erika Eleniak naked in this? Neither went on to do anything but crap B-movie roles anyways, so why did they take the high road? Integrity? Epic fail on this one ladies!

The Gory- Though more of the cheesy variety, this movie has a bunch of blood and gore. Of the cheesy variety.

The Naked- This movie has naked chicks galore! I mean some on, it's about Vampire hookers...

Not naked in this. Sigh.
Best Line- "You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality." or "Sorry, Zeke - I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob."

What did we learn?- The Cryptkeeper's jokes suck. Also, never trust reverends or midgets.

Rating- C This is a fun, vampire hooker-filled romp, that will make you laugh and keep you entertained for an hour and a half. After that though, you'll pretty much be done with it. It's worth a watch.

The Vanilla Gorilla Says- The best part of this movie was the boobs.

Where in the hell is Paranormal Activity?

Ever since 2007 I've been hearing about this movie, Paranormal Activity, and how terrifying it is; "A young couple suspects that their house is haunted by a malevolent entity. They set up video surveillance to capture evidence of what happens at night as they sleep. Their surveillance and home videos have been edited into the 99-minute feature film."

Check the official site for a bunch of review blurb's and the trailer, all of which make me drool to see this damned thing!

Official Site

It's shot in the hand-held Blair Witch/Cloverfield/Poughkeepsie Tapes style, and from what those lucky enough to have caught it in special screenings have said, is a dread filled "Real" creepfest.

Dreamworks has since bought the U.S. distribution and remake rights (And is planning a bigger budget remake already), but I wanna see the original first. I'm hoping for a DVD release at least, if they're truly remaking it.

Come on Dreamworks, let us have it!

Running Commentary Review- Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Finally, I get a chance to sit and do a running commentary review on this movie... and what a messed up little flick it is!


Keep in mind that these RCR reviews are me sitting and watching a movie, and typing my random thoughts as we go along... Oh, and this movie rules.

START- After a quick head explosion, we move to a bloody chainsaw and bloody scraps of a body... This might be just be good! The bad guy did some nasty things to that body... Special Squad is on the case though! The TGP will get him, even if their main chick is sitting in her car cutting herself... hmm. She's really cutting into herself with that straight razor, she must be Emo.

Random wacky Asian chick interlude!
5:28- After having 5000+ machine gun rounds emptied into him, the bad guy grows a chainsaw out of his arm! I think the cops are screwed. Jesus Christ on a stick... This movie is messed up! Well, the hot Asian cutter-cop shows up dressed like a schoolgirl, and pretty much hands the guy's ass to him. And his nose. And arm. This chick is bad ass.


8:50- 50 gallons of blood so far.

9:34- This definitely has a Starship Troopers-like vibe to it. Then again, Starship Troopers never made me want to swear off eating meat 10 minutes in... but it did make me swear off Casper Van Dien! Screw him.

12:22- Japan sure is a crazy place; the police drink OJ in bars, women will beat you with vegetables, people are scared of the police (much like they are in L.A.), and they enjoy octopus porn (much like the people of Witchita, KS.)

16:50- Japanese viking guy walking his limbless human fetish dog! Really. False alarm, it's just Ruka's birthday party. WTF? They give out merit badges? Nice cake though.

19:00- Flashback time: Ruka's mom goes insane cutting potatoes, and cut's herself Emo style on her daughters b-day. I'm confused, is the fat sweaty Asian dude with the underage hooker part of the flashback? For that matter, is the writhing pink dildo a part of it too? Nope, her name is Yuka... I think. Still doesn't explain the dong.

23:00- Female pimp get drained of her blood; killer uses juicy juice bottles. A Harakiri commercial follows. Stop the Harakiri! Nice message. Back to the chick pimp, she's now stuffed into a small cardboard box.

A handy illustration!
27:12- Ruka is going undercover as a hooker to catch the serial killing engineer, so she hops a train, and catches a crazy commercial: Yay! New designer wrist-cutters! Yay! Yay, yay! They're so cute! Yayyyyyyy! They even come in pink.

30:05- Lesson: Never grab the ass of an undercover cop in Japan, even if she looks like a whore, because she will enforce the law on your ass!


35:43- Crazy 3-pronged knife/sword fight! She cuts him across the nose! Oh shit, the engineer is having a seizure... or... or he's...yeah, he's pulling his face apart to blind her with geysers of blood. Of dude, he pulled it off! He has cannon eyes now... is this an homage to Cronenberg? Pinned against the wall, he's rubbing her up... and opening up a keyhole on her arm with a key he pulled from his brain? Am I on acid?


39:46- 100 gallons of blood so far.

46:46- A virtual Wii snuff game commercial! Fun for the whole family. These commercials kill me, LULZ. Ruka is hot on the trail of the half-headed guy, and realizes she's been set up! Also, the chief gets high by drawing a syringe on his arm?!? A censored commercial showing the TGP playing soccer with some kids using a guys head is next.

51:40- A crazy Japanese fetish party ensues, complete with leather, penis nose appendages, and a snail girl... and a living, breathing, naked, human chick-chair, hooked up to an IV. That one is apparently the hit of the party. Why would I make this up?

OMG, the human chair just peed into the crowd! Yeah. They're drinking/showering in it too. What in the blue hell is going on here?!? This has officially turned into a piss party. Oddly enough, I need to go pee, brb.

I'm kinda scared right now.
55:00- 150 gallons of blood so far. 20 gallons of urine.

56:30- Don't do it, it's a trap! Oral sex or not, no one is strapping me to a chair, especially in bizzarro world. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! She bit it off! And they showed it! Shoot her! Grab you wiener and run man!

Dude, her vagina turned her lower torso into an alligators maw! Oh yeah, he's finished. Wait, he's shoving his severed arm into her alligator 'gina, and pulling on an exposed vein to shoot her... Just forget it, this is f'd up.


1:02:29- 250 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss.

1:03:50- Massive mutant penis gun!

At this point, we're halfway through the movie, and I'm not writing near as much as I'd like to, mainly because so much crazy shizz is happening, that this would be a novel rather than a bullet point style review. From here on out, I'll cover a few of the finer points, the rest you need to see for yourself.

1:23:10- 400 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

The cops have gone kill crazy by now, and are just slaughtering the entire city at their whim. Ruka has become a secret engineer, learned the truth about her father's death, killed the half-head guy, and isn't happy with the slaughter going on. When she witnesses her only friend being drawn and quartered by the cops, using cars, she flips her friggin' wig!

Mutant justice ensues!

1:31:40- Massive 6-barreled "hand" gun! I can't even begin to describe this scene...

Final Tally- 900 gallons of blood. 20 gallons of piss. 10 gallons of acidic breast milk.

END- The Japanese sure as hell know how to make a messy horror flick. This movie is so insane and over the top, that trying to explain it does little justice. See it, see it now!

More crazy pics from Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

This movie was so visually crazy/interesting/stunning, that I had to share these pics that I didn't use in the review...

Killer Movie (2009)

We're on a roll lately as far as seeing quality horror flicks goes, and here's another one...


Killer Movie (2009)
Sub-Genre- Slasher

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- Paul Wesley, Kaley "Yum Yum" Cuoco, Leighton "My Baby Mama" Meester, Jason London, and Richard Alpert from LOST, Nestor Carbonell!

What's it about?- Britney Lohan-Hilton is a slutty, spoiled, no talent whore actress who is forced to travel to Cat-Piss North Dakota to try to revive her career. Despite wanting to beat her mercilessly with her own Prada bag, the crew of a small documentary tries to make the best of things with the Celebutard... until her cocaine runs out and things get really dicey!

Brittney Lohan-Hilton's cocaine fueled bar lapdance!
To make things worse, a masked killer is running around Cat-Piss ND killing locals and crew members alike, and in some pretty nasty ways. Some of them turn out to be pretty deserving of a painful death though, especially the lesbian producer of the movie; she's really not a nice person at all, and truthfully made me punch the air every time she came on screen.

Oh my god, please die! Please, please please!
Pretty soon, the whole crew starts drinking and doing cocaine with the spoiled Celebutard, which doesn't help them survive very well. One by one they're picked off, until finally it's up to Brittney Lohan-Spears to deliver the ass kicking of a lifetime to the town of Cat Piss ND. I won't spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that lesbian sex ensues.

Yes!
The Good- This was a pretty damn good slasher flick; it's typical, and doesn't even come close to breaking any new ground, but it's smart, witty, and a good old fashioned fun time in your DVD player. I love how the smart script had just the right mix of humor and horror to make it seem fresher than most movies of its kind, especially those of late. Slashers can be fun and still work, and this movie reminds us of that.


Paul Wesley was great in the lead role; a likable and believable main guy in a horror movie, what a rarity. Besides being hot, Kaley Cuoco was dead on in her Brtiney/Lindsay/Paris impersonation role too. Truth be told, everyone did a pretty good job, and I didn't really find myself hating any of the characters, unless it was one I was supposed to hate.

The Bad- Ok, then very, very end was kinda dumb... I guess it sets up part 2 though.

The Downright Horrendous- Is it too much to ask for a fully naked, 7-22 minute lesbian scene? You know, with close ups of the slow, passionate tongue kissing... The audience (me) demands it Hollywood!

The Gory- Barbed wire decapitations, table saw violence, meat clever cleverness, chain hangings, some throat slashing... and a bear trap! I swear I've seen more horror movies lately with bear traps in them...


The Naked- Bra-and-panty hot lesbo makeout! No tits though.

Best Line- "Is that what they do for fun here in Cat-Piss North Dakota?" or " I believe she called her a cocaine fueled gutter slut" or "Oh Pheobe, you've gone from zero to Tara Reid in 60 seconds."

What did we learn?- Stay away from rural townsfolk! Also, this movie 100% proves that bitchy chicks are usually lesbians... God bless them all.

Rating- A- In the end, my head told me to rate this a B, but I can't help but follow my heart and give it the props I think it deserves. It's nothing we haven't seen before, but it's probably the best time I've had watching a new-generation slasher in a LONG time. Smart, funny, and just plain fun, definitely check this out if slasher formula flicks are your thing, and maybe even if they're not.

Final Thoughts- Kaley Cuoco is ridiculously hot. Even if you're gay, you have to admit it. Admit it!