February 27, 2009

DVD Review: Walled In (2009)

Cast Members of Note- Mischa Barton, Debra Kara Unger, Cameron Bright.

This movie sure starts off on one eff'd up note, in which a little girl is "walled" up into a tiny little space, and starts screaming for her Dad. We then get to watch the room begin to quickly fill up with concrete, all while listenign to her panicked cries. Eventually, they stop. Poor kid.

Maybe next time don't sass so much, and just do your chores.
This is a story about a mason gone bat-shit crazy, and a female demolitions engineer sent to blow his building back to hell! Mostly. Mischa Barton plays a naughty girl trying to go straight by holding a job, except she cant escape her vices: she smokes weed, lets a 15-year-old kid rub her up, has sex, takes her shirt off in front of strangers... man, she's trouble!

Bad girl, Mischa! Call me though, we should hang.
So anyways, years ago a bunch of people were sealed up in the walls of this old building and murdered (like the little girl), and now Mischa is prepping it for demolition, and odd things begin to happen. Thank god she has a creepy 15-year-old little buddy that will keep her safe. Yeah. Trust him. I would.

I won't spoil the ending for you here, mainly because the ending spoiled the movie for me, but it's safe to say that creepiness ensues.

Smoke some more weed why don't you.
This movie had me entertained right up until the last 10 minutes or so, and then it completely lost its footing. I don't understand what happened in the final minutes of the third reel, as it lacked in a few different ways. I won't go into it here because I don't wait to spoil the events for those who haven't seen it, and it's mostly a decent movie, but it just pissed me off. With the pacing, there are some genuinely creepy moments in this movie. The whole idea of being "walled in" is seriously disturbing to me, and the theme works well in the creepy setting.

Mischa Barton actually did a pretty good job with her role in this. Unfortunately, Cameron Bright is still doing his "creepy kid" routine, and it's no better than it was before.

Post-Modern art?
Are we supposed to buy Mischa Barton as a demolitions engineer? Or that she's sent on her first job plan out the demo of a massive, creepy old building, all alone? Don't they send teams in for that? And when the crew does show up, the way they behave seems to fit the plot more than it does reality.

Sorry, but I'm not going in there alone.
They totally ripped off the Nightmare on Elm Street Rhyme! "9,10, He'll wall you in?" Thieves!

That's right, you stand in the corner of shame, thief
A leg injury, blood dripping from a wall, spear gun violence, dog violence, a stabbing or two... this one contains a fair amount of violence I suppose.

Mischa takes a bath, but we get no goodies. A few more times she teases us and comes close, but leaves us hanging.

"But waking up with a dead dog as a house guest makes me think, perhaps it's time to go" or "She can't take care of you like I can."

When someone says "Let's go," just frigging leave already. Also, never trust the creepy neighbors.

It's never a good idea to trust this kid, either.
I actually liked this movie right up until it absolutely shit the bed in its final 10 minutes, hence the low grade. For the most part this one is well-made, well-acted, and it does a great job with atmosphere and mood... I say see it, but just know that the ending will most likely leave you with a bad taste in your mouth.


Walled In is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.


She smokes weed, doesn't mind nudity, and has no issue with lesbian scenes... We like this girl.

February 25, 2009

DVD Review: Burial Ground (1981)

The Zombies in this movie move about as quick as a crippled 90-year-old man trying to climb a molasses staircase...

In Attendance- Me, The Vanilla Gorilla, Eryn, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- Karin Well, Antonella Antinori, Anna Valente, and the utterly creepy Peter Bark.

Three couples and a creepy little kid that looks like he's in his 40's, head to a remote country estate to have a wild weekend of sex, creepy incest, and sex. Unfortunately for them, a bunch of rotted old zombies decide to rise from the grave and join in the party, adding flesh-eating to the whole "incest and sex" thing.

He's cute right? Go ahead and tuck him in. Go on...
The zombies in this movie move about as quick as a crippled 90-year-old man trying to climb a molasses staircase, and yet everyone still has the darnedest time outrunning them. I guess they forgot that they had cars too, because driving away would be something the zombies might suspect? Running from the undead, then waiting for them to catch up, then running and hiding, then finally dying, sucks as a plan to me. Maybe I just don't get it because I'm not Italian.

"Were coming, were coming. God, just relax... even more than you already are."
The creepiest part of the whole weekend comes when the mom and her son start kissing and rubbing on each other, ending in a near fingerbang that leaves even Mom a bit shocked. Later, she let's him lick on her nipple and bite it off. I guess Mom's a bit of a slut, eh? Either that, or creepy little Michael's just got it like that. Either way, It all made me spit up a little. I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that once again, the Italians leave me scratching my head. And laughing.

They spelled prophecy with an "f."
This movie gives us the classic old school, slow moving Romero/Fulci style of zombies, as only the Italians of the early 80's could do it. As cheesy of a movie as this is (the dubbed voices made us lol several times), Eryn said "Cool" or " I love them!" every time a new zombie came on screen. They just looked cool, and moved all bad-ass slow style, and always managed to get their pound of flesh! Good stuff.

Alright, so this is an early 80's Italian Horror flick... You have to expect lame/funny dubbing, ridiculous and nonsensical plot elements, and an ending that will literally make you say "huh?!?" The payoff though is in what you get in return; tons of gore, some bad-ass visuals, hot and slutty chicks that get naked often, and some messed up plot elements that will make you say "WTF?!?"

They don't make 'em like this anymore folks. For shame.

All he really wants is a kiss...
Is it too much of a stretch to suggest that you grab the car keys and drive off, you know, in one of the three cars sitting in the driveway? How about running? Maybe you could do that while the flesh-eating zombies are shambling in slow-motion towards you. Then again, you just standing there saying "What's going on?" gives me a reason to yell at the screen, I guess.

Just sit there and stare... don't run or anything.
That little kid was creepy, and the Mom wasn't much better; did she not think it odd to be kissing her son over and over again while he's playing with her boobs? At least she freaked out a little when he tried to finger her...

Yes, that really happened.
It's an Italian Zombie flick, of course it's gory; gut munching, skin ripping, flesh eating, head splitting, zombie splattering, shard of glass violence, farm implement violence, nipple ripping... there's tons of nasty goodness in this one.

It's an Italian Horror film from the early 80's, you know you get some quality boobs and butts.

Yes, we censored the boob. Kids and all, you know?
"You look just like a little whore, but I like that in a girl." or "You're getting a raise out of me alright, but it has nothing to do with money." LOL

Early 80's Italian Zombies have no equal, for better or worse. Also, kids shouldn't try to penetrate their Mothers. Not ever.

Yeah you creepy fucker, I'm talking to you!
Despite being ridiculous on many levels, this is one of the best zombie movies ever. The look of the zombies, coupled with the Italians love of over-the-top gore and bad dubbing, make this one a must see. Go buy it, you'll probably find it on the cheap.


Burial Ground is available now on DVD.


Here are a few more screenshots from this crazy movie.

Fact: Zombies enjoy gardening. This picture is obviously proof of that.
"Oh, Titus..."
Spirit fingers.
Yes, this the kid is trying to bang his own Mother... and she's letting him.
Just walk slowly forward. They won't catch you!

DVD Review: Bordello of Blood (1996)

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- Angie Everhart, Dennis Miller, Erika Eleniak, Corey Feldman, and Chris Sarandon.

Dennis Miller plays a guy named Rape Guttman, who is hired by a hot virgin chick to find her missing brother. Using his skills of sarcasm and acerbic wit, he tracks him to a whorehouse where the whores just so happen to be vampire whores. From there on out, he snarks his way in and out of trouble, and manages not to get laid, despite his location. He's probably scared that the vampire whores will drain him of his blood, or something.

She just might be worth it.
Caught between the hot virgin, and the slutty evil vampire queen (both of whom he'd like to aardvark), Rape does battle with an evil midget, and equally evil reverend, a gaggle of naked vampire whores, and his overindulgent use of pop culture witticisms. Also, he has a laser gun that shoots crosses. True story.

Dennis Miller... action hero?
I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that it's a Tales from the Crypt movie, so you know it ends all "Dun-dun-dun!" style.... and with a cheesy outro by old Crypty himself!

"Wait, this isn't Lost Boys 2?!?"
On many levels, this movie just isn't good; it's cheesy, poorly-scripted, predictable, formulaic... but it's a Tales From the Crypt joint, so that's to be expected. What it does do well, is make you shut your brain off for a little while, and just have some fun with the whole thing. Boobs & Blood. That's about it really. Boobs and blood. Also, The Cryptkeeper rules. His lame jokes, creepy face, and penchant for blood are what made Tales a great show when it was on HBO. I guess he's one of those characters that you either love or hate though.

Let's face it, the 90's kinda sucked for the Horror genre, and for better or for worse, Bordello of Blood is one of the decade's best offerings. Sad, I know.

How can you not love this face?
Like most things associated with the name Tales From the Crypt, this one is heavy on the cheese and lame humor. After seeing Demon Knight, which was an awesome movie, this played more like an over-long TV episode.

She was hot though.
Why were neither Angie Everhart or Erika Eleniak naked in this movie? Neither went on to do anything but crappy B-movie roles anyway, so why did they take the high road in this one? Integrity? Blah.
No on cares about your "acting."
Though more of the cheesy variety, this movie has a bunch of blood and gore. Of the cheesy variety.

Cheesy goodness.
This movie has naked chicks galore! I mean come on, it's about vampire whores...

She built a career off being naked, but she's not naked in this?
"You're reminding me why being married to you drove me to the brink of homosexuality" or "Sorry, Zeke, I'm just not in the mood for a blowjob."

The Cryptkeeper's jokes suck. Also, never trust reverends or midgets. Or vampire whores.

Yeah, dude, they suck.
This is a fun, vampire hooker-filled romp, that will make you laugh and keep you entertained for an hour and a half. After that though, you'll pretty much never think about it again. It's worth a watch though.


Bordello of Blood is available now on DVD and VOD.


Was there a hotter Redhead in the 90's than Angie Everhart? Also, Erika Eleniak isn't too shabby for a blonde.