Solo review- From Beyond (1986)

From Beyond (1986)
Sub-Genre- Lovecraft

In Attendance- Me

Cast Members of Note- The awesome Jeffrey Combs and Ken Foree, and the ever hot Barbara Crampton.

What's it about?- It's basically about an creepy old doctor who likes to tie women up and abuse them, finding a way to access the hidden world of flesh hungry creatures that constantly surrounds us. Of course it turns him into some sort of sex-man/monster, and he never loses his horny demeanor with the ladies.

What is it about this guy that drives the women wild?
Enter a sexually repressed brain doctor/author who is really hot, a nerdy and terrorized scientist, and a sassy black cop, and all hell breaks loose! By "all hell" I mean she gets very horny and tries to have sex with everyone... Even the nerd after he nearly gets sucked half to death by some nether-creature and ends up looking like a half sucked white Milkdud.


I wont ruin the ending here, but trust me when I say an giant sized evil penis nearly ruins everyone's day.

Giant sized evil penis.
The Good- You have to love H.P. Lovecraft; the guy had some crazy ideas about things, and I'll be damned if he doesn't have me wondering about a universe full of elder gods that we humans aren't advanced enough to see. From Beyond lets us see what H.P. wanted us to believe, and it does so in glorious fashion.

Jeffrey Combs is great as usual, as is Ken Foree. Sure they're b-movie character guys, but to us Horror fans they're legends. This is fun, bloody, interesting and bizarre all at once. I love this movie.

The Bad- Honestly, the worst part about this movie is that I wish it had been longer.

The Downright Horrendous- The bat/bird/dragon/winged demon thing. LOL.

The Gory- TONS of blood and gore for those of us that like it to flow heavy. The Directors Cut DVD even has the "Eyeball sucking scene" put back into the movie, and that's just nasty... In a good way of course.

Oh that sucks. Get it? Sucks... Never mind.
The Naked- Barbara Crampton for the win! She is a bad girl in this, and she shows her goods-a-plenty.

"Ok, I'll try it, but are you sure its gonna fit?"
Best Line- "It... ate... him!" or "That will be enough of that."

What did we learn?- H.P. Lovecraft was a creepy and brilliant dude. Also, always listen to the scientist when he tells you "no."

Rating- A This is one of the best horror flicks of the 80's, and you need to have this in your collection.

Final Thoughts- God Barbara Crampton is hot.

Coming Soon- Dead Girl (2009)

The more I hear/read about this, the more intrigued I am; There's no trailer yet, but with TIFF right around the corner, I'm sure the net will be flooded with early reviews. Until then, the premise has me wanting more.

I sense danger.
"A horror/thriller about two teenagers who make a shocking discovery that not only threatens their friendship but also their lives. In a forgotten room of an abandoned asylum, they find a beautiful woman tied to a bed, and soon come to realize she is anything but dead."

"Shiloh Fernandez (RED) and Noah Segan (CABIN FEVER 2) portray high school stoners who ditch school in favor of drinking beer in an abandoned sanitarium. The pair make their way into the bowels of the building, and stumble across a vicious dog. The ensuing chase leads them to a barricaded door. Upon entering the adjoining room, they find an incapacitated woman wrapped in plastic and strapped to a table. As time passes, the teens make a series of questionable decisions that put them, their friends and the audience on the spot."

I don't trust her.

Coming Soon- Able

Able looks pretty messed up. I got a 28 Days Later vibe when I saw the trailer, but not in a rip-off kind of way. I'll be waiting to get my hands on this one.


"A fast-spreading epidemic of progressive paralysis has stricken Berlin, killing most of the city's inhabitants in a matter of days.

Trapped within their own bodies, the paralysis spreading from limb to limb, the remaining survivors are isolated and dying--except for a few.

Those few who can still walk may be more deadly than the epidemic itself.

Benny Berg seeks to save his father, Ivo. Partially crippled Katrin is stalked by someone who wants to kill her--or worse. Almost incapacitated, Marieke drowns herself. Meat cleaver in hand, Niko grows increasingly frustrated with her "dead" limbs. Rudi suddenly finds Berlin ripe for the taking. Pastor Bernhard preaches to a spastic flock of parishioners. And Captain Hofler firmly believes the military is coming--but to incinerate everyone.

Able delivers unspeakable acts of violence, sexual deviance, and human madness in a gritty, stylized take on the survival horror subgenre."

Check out the trailer below:

TRAILER

#20- The Brood (1979)

The Brood (1979)
Sub-Genre- Cronenberg (Yeah, he gets his own sub-genre)

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, and The Vanilla Gorilla.

Cast Members of Note- Oliver Reed, Samantha Eggar, Art Hindle.

What's it about?- The Brood is a prequel to Kramer vs. Kramer; it shows us the pitfalls of divorce, and how hard it can be on the kids. Especially if the kids in question are mongoloid mutants born from stomach sacks.

Kill it with fire!
When a good, caring husband and father realizes that his wife is insane, he sends her off to the hospital for shock treatment and maybe a lobotomy; what she gets instead is a radical new therapy that makes her even more insane, and turns her into a mutant baby maker with absolutely no sense of humor.

Tastes like chicken.
The little mutoids start killing people at mom's request, and it isn't long before they want to kill their little sister too, and just because she's a normal human being! I cant stand intolerance.


I wont ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that dad strangles mom to death.

The Good- This movie is a horror classic in many ways. It gets into your head and messes with you subtly on a subconscious level, and also hits you with the visceral terror in the same stroke. It's a creepy and disturbing breath of fresh air.

Some claim it's too slow paced, but you know what, go watch fucking Scream. God forbid that you allow tension to build, and for jump scares every two seconds to be replaced with mood and atmosphere. You know what, don't go watch Scream, just go jump off of your roof.

This movie is a prime example of why the late 70's/early 80's was one of the best periods in Horror history; people actually made films that explored new ideas instead of retreading the same old ground.


The Bad- Every time I get so much as a mosquito bite I think that "Psychoplasmics" has got a hold on me. Fucking David Cronenberg.

The Downright Horrendous- Why did she have to die?

She sooooo would have slept with him too.
The Gory- This one delivers the crimson goods; mutant kids bashing people to death with mallets, bloody infant licking, deformed body birth... there's plenty of Cronenberg-esque nastiness on display here.

The love of a mother knows no bounds.
The Naked- Just the body of a dead mutant kid, but that doesn't count.

Best Line- "Thirty seconds after you're born you have a past and sixty seconds after that you begin to lie to yourself about it." or "Damn kids."

What did we learn?- If Cronenberg teaches us nothing, it's that we are our own worst enemy, and our bodies are out to destroy us. Also, all wives are apparently insane. Also, Cronenberg has issues, and since he's Canadian, that means all Canadians have issues too.

Rating- A+ A masterpiece. Cronenberg's work in the 70's and 80's made statements and forced the audience to ask themselves some hard questions, and The Brood is no exception. You must have this movie in your collection.

Final Thoughts- My mom gives this movie to me on DVD every Christmas; she saves it until last, and stares at me like Samantha Eggar (see pic below) until I open it. Once my tears begin to flow, she starts to laugh and runs off into the attic. I think she's trying to tell me something.

#17- The Boogeyman (1981)

The Boogeyman (1981)
Sub-Genre- Supernatural Stalker

In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla and Nick (although he ran off not far into the movie.)

Cast Members of Note- John Carradine. (This was not his career high point.)

What's it about?- A little boy that is tired of his mothers incessant whoring around (Including tieing him to the bed so that she can scrump), stabs her nylon-faced lover to death while she's scrumping him. His sister only watched, so she's the pure one I guess.

Well, Junior grows up to be a mute creep, strangling his sisters friends and painting mirrors black, but everyone seems to think he's just "quiet." Like any of us would do, the sister returns to her childhood home to face her fears, and break things that don't belong to her in the process. She breaks the mirror which has been in the house since that fateful night, and still contains the ghost of the guy her brother killed.

Terrifying.
Luckily, her moron husband decides to take it home, and the vengeful spirit follows them and starts killing random people... really, no more needs to be said. I mean, when a shard of glass stuck to a kids foot casts that "sun filled mirror reflection thing" across and entire lake, thusly killing the campers that were "Shined upon", I just want things to be over.

The Good- This isn't the worst horror movie ever, but it certainly isn't good. There are some decent kills, but the movie as a whole is a big mess. Ulli Lommel isn't much of a director; in fact he's a bit of an old school Uwe Boll and it shows. I dont have much good to say, so I guess this section is done.

The Bad- It spawned 2 sequels. I'm not so happy about that.

Director's Cut means use footage from part one for half of part 2!. Ugh.
The Downright Horrendous- The retarded little brother screaming "Boogeyman!" every chance he got. Special thanks to the window for snapping his neck.

The Gory- Some decent kill scenes such as Scissors to throat, a double mouth impaling, pitchfork violence, and a nice scene with a kid stabbing a guy to death...

The Naked- Nothing more than a quick flash of boob... although there were some suggestive scenes.

Best Line- "Thank god it's fucking over!" Wait, that was me who said that...

What did we learn?- The 80's took its fair share of cinematic shits, especially in the horror genre.

Rating- D Watch it if it's on TV or something, but don't expect much.

Final Thoughts- Poor John Carradine.

My thoughts exactly.

Videodrome (1983)

Videodrome
Sub-Genre- Cronenberg

In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris, and Christian.

Cast Members of Note- James Woods and Debbie Harry (a.k.a. Blondie)

What's it about?- Max Renn is a sleazy perv who runs a porn channel, so naturally, he goes in search of snuff, because that's what porn makes you do right? I mean, watching sex definitely turns 99% of humans into horrible monsters who crave death and violence. It's science. Ask the Catholic Church, they'll tell you. Wait... not science then... sin? Whatever.

He receives a tape called Videodrome, which must be laced with acid, and begins to hallucinate the craziest things; clowns on trampolines riding tricycles; midgets spinning plates; Debby Harry naked... He even grows a stomach vagina, which turns out to be real. He can hide things in it, and even decapitate nerds with it... neat.

You thought I was lying, didn't you? Ha!
He starts dressing up as Lazer-Man and basically becomes an assassin of the new flesh. TV is his enemy, and he's out to stop anyone that he can from watching it. This of course involves having kinky sex with Blondie, and being whacked out of his mind on "drugs" the whole time, but who am I to judge? The guy really gets some things accomplished, so go for it man.

Lazer-Man rules!
I wont ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that it ends badly for everyone involved.

The Good- Movies like this really make me miss the 80's. Horror these days is all about quick cuts and jump scares; neat endings that resolve/explain everything(while managing to set you up for the sequel); crisp visuals and utter lack of any terrifying atmosphere... Gone (mostly) are mood and pacing, letting some things remain unanswered, or god forbid making you use your mind to figure them out for yourselves. Horror movies of today, often times, don't have what it takes to fuck you up enough to remember them ten minutes after seeing them, let alone sticking with you for a longer period of time.


Cronenberg always delivers on those fronts though. He grabs you, strokes your hair, relaxes you, and it's far too late by the time you notice the pipe bomb that he's shoved up your ass... and then boom. You feel a mess and aren't sure what just hit you, but you know you are different somehow. And Dirty.

He is the master of "Body Horror"- your body failing you/rebelling against you- and it's terrifying on a deeper level than most hack and slash movies ever could be. He still makes great movies, though not horror, and I cant complain one bit about films like Eastern Promises or A History of Violence, I just wish he'd make a horror movie now and then. He's so damn good at it.

You really do need to see this if you haven't. If not, you're missing out.

The Bad- James Woods is very self-destructive.


The Downright Horrendous- Why does Cronenberg insist on making me afraid of my own body? I feel like every woman Ive ever dated after watching his films; Confused, afraid and often times repulsed... yet I keep coming back for more... Hmmm.

The Gory- James Woods has a stomach vagina that hides things and eats hands; a flesh gun turns someone into a mess of tumors; a TV spills its guts... there's some good gore here.

Good Stuff.
The Naked- Debbie Harry and James Woods both get naked.... including Blondie using her boobs as an ashtray. Yum. Also, a naked chick gets flogged.

Best Line- "Long live the new flesh." or "Careful... it bites."

What did we learn?- Debbie Harry is a bit of a slut. Also, TV is bad for you.

Rating- A This is another Cronenberg masterpiece; the guy just knows how to get in your head and make you feel VERY uneasy about everything. Own it.

Final Thoughts- Even Viggo Loves Cronenberg.

Kiss me you creepy fuck...

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

Vampires
Sub-Genre- Vampire

In Attendance- Me, Geo, Machine, Chris and Christian.

Cast Members of Note- The one and only James Woods! Also, Daniel Baldwin, The bad guy from Karate Kid 3, and Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks.

What's it about?- Basically its the story of a vampire hunter, James Woods, who hunts down a master vampire, they guy who betrayed Daniel-San in The Karate Kid 3, because he killed all of his whores. And friends too. It's the Daniel-San thing that hurts him most of all though.

"Boy will James Woods be pissed about this!"
Our hero, along with the least cool Baldwin brother set out to find the bloodsucker with a hottie/half vamp in tow. If they can kill him before she fully turns, they can save her life and the Baldwin can do it with her all he wants to without fear of being eaten.

I'd take her with me too.
From here on out, the mayhem and carnage kick into full gear, and by the end, only two people are still "Alive."

The Good- This movie sure has taken it's share of crap from critics (most of whom have no pulse to begin with), and for the life of me I cant figure out why. Sure, it's not a cinematic masterpiece, but then again it isn't supposed to be. It's a horror movie, and one of the fun variety. It certainly doesn't hearken back to the early 80's Carpenter films and their grandeur, but neither does it shit on them.

What we have here is a fun, bloody vampire movie that gives us an interesting premise and James Woods as the bad ass undead-slayer. How can you not love James Woods in all of his "Woodsness" bitch slapping a bunch of vampires around?

So are we Peter. So are we.
The Bad- I wish it could have followed the book a bit more.

The Downright Horrendous- The Catholic Church once again proves that it harbors dark secrets and evil plots. Also, priests that rape.

The Gory- Vampires killing people, people killing vampires... Blood and violence are everywhere!

Now that's a party!
The Naked- Not only do we get a motel party full of loose women in various states of undress, but we get the yummy Sheryl Lee pretty much fully naked. Neat.

Yeah, me too.
Best Line- "I killed my own father, padre. I got no trouble killing you." or "Well first of all, they're not romantic. Its not like they're a bunch of fuckin' fags hoppin' around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right?"

What did we learn?- The Vatican knows vampires are real! They have a team lead by James Woods that hunts and kills them.


Rating- B+ This movie isn't perfect, but it's a fun time and a sight better than most crap vampire movies you'll come across. You should own it, or at very least rent it.

Final Thoughts- Sheryl Lee is just hot.

Horror Hotties- The Girls of Black Christmas (2006)

What a great gathering of hotness; a decent remake with a great/hot cast... sadly they don't get naked, but they still make us smile as they die!


1- Hottest of them all is Michelle Trachtenberg. Me, her, 12 lbs. of fruit roll-ups, and a hairless kitten with no teeth... nevermind.

She's come a long way from Harriet the Spy and Eurotrip; in fact, she is one good teen lesbian movie away from being considered a saint.



2- Lacey Chabert is next. From little pest on Party of Five, to total hotness, were very proud of her. She needs a good lesbian role too. Also, a spanking.


3- Mary Elizabeth Winstead... What can you say about her other than "Love is that hole too."


4- Were not even done yet! Crystal Lowe is a little hottie, although she's lesser known than the others. She likes to get naked in everything she's in though, and that proves her to be classy enough for this blog.


5- Last but not least, is Katie Cassidy. Not only is she David Cassidy's daughter, she's apparently a little naughty. At least that's my guess from this picture.


So thanks a bunch Black Christmas (2006)... we owe you one. Or ten.