July 29, 2008
Battle Royale (Batoru Rowaiaru)
In Attendance- Moi
Cast Members of Note- Go-go Yubari from Kill Bill is in this!
What's it about?- A Japanese Junior High class gets to go on a field trip... Granted, most field trips involve the zoo, or a trip to the local prison to do "Dances" for the inmates (I'm still sore from my 8th grade trip), but this one is way more fun than that; they get to kill each other!
Luckily, Mr Rourke let's them use Fantasy island to host their crazy little roustabout, although Tattoo isn't too happy about it. You see, Mr. Rourke promised him a week alone together on the island, filled with back rubs and candy canes... and with all of that thrown out the window in favor of kid on kid murder, he's a sad little midget. One of the kids kills him with a cheese grater right out of the gate anyways, so no worries.
With the half-man out of the way, the kids proceed to off each other in various ways; Karate, machine guns, barbed wire toothbrushes... one of them even gets the pleasure of using the most dangerous weapon of all... an electrified rag-doll!
I wont ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that no one makes it back on the bus.
The Good- What a wicked little movie! The concept of junior high kids killing other kids in order to win their own freedom is a pretty strong meditation on society and where it seems sometimes that were headed. It's also a pretty cool premise for a movie.
I expected this one to be much more uncomfortable to watch than it was; don't get me wrong, it was disturbing, but it wasn't over the top nor offensive. I know the term classy seems out of place when discussing most horror, and especially a film with a premise like this one, but it fits.
This quote from the director pretty much sums up the message of the film: "He described the end message in the film, "Run", as his advice to the next generation."
The Bad- Seriously? Lego toys?
The Downright Horrendous- They're planning a U.S. remake... what a surprise. If there is a god, he won't let it happen.
The Gory- There is plenty of brutality on display here, and even though most of it is on the psychological level, there is plenty of the crimson glory on display to satisfy most horror fans.
The Naked- None of the dirty stuff here.
Best Line- "If I survive, can I go home?"... "Yes, but only if everyone else is dead."
What did we learn?- Listen to your teacher!
Rating- A This is what Horror should be... Smart, disturbing and thought provoking. I recommend owning this one for sure.
Final Thoughts- Go-Go is in this!
July 27, 2008
Fine, so she hasn't been in a ton of Horror projects; Rise: The Blood Hunter, She Creature, and the soon to be released The Unborn (2009), but let us not forget two key factors here...
1- She was in Sin City, and stars in next years Watchmen... Two massively huge Genre flicks...
2- She's ridiculously hot.
So according to my calculations: 3 Horror movies + 2 cool fan-boy geek movies + ridiculously hot= Horror Hottie! (My blog, my rules)
Few people know that Carla Gugino came to earth from some sort of crazy time/space warp (the picture above is absolute proof of that, so don't question me.) It's a long story, and one that our puny Earth-brains couldnt begin to comprehend, but basically she became too hot for her own planet to handle anymore, and was forced to flee to a little place called Earth. That's really odd too, considering the planet was called Sexyworld. Go figure.
She became an actress, starring first in some classic episodes of shows like ALF, Saved by the Bell, and Doogie Howser M.D. Her first step into the world of Horror came when she starred in Son in Law... Pauly Shore was terrifying as "The Weasel", and his cries of "Woooo buddy!" still give me chills.
She began to show how much she liked girls in her next Horror movie, Mermaid Chronicles 1: She Creature... Who wouldn't want to kiss a mermaid though? She has also kissed hot girls in Jaded, Rise, and Center of the World. What a brave actress/total freak. We support you Carla!
*Quick side-note: Carla has a huge rack.
Rise: Blood Hunter was her next Horror flick. Hot vampires sleeping with each other and drinking blood... there isn't much that's hotter, is there? Seriously, slutty vampires who have lesbian sex are among the finer things in this world, and yes, they really do exist.
I cant say much about The Unborn, as it doesn't come out until next year, but any flick with Carla and Gary Oldman centering on a chick who gets possessed is aces with me. As long as she looks like this, I wont care anyways:
Carla is a deserving Horror Hottie; She has been in Horror movies, she's hot, she likes lesbian sex... What more do you people want? Nudity?
Fine, here is a link to some NSFW nudies of Carla on our GIF Blog. Don't say I never gave you anything.
Black Christmas (1974)
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, Machine, and Nick.
Cast Members of Note- Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Kier Dullea and John Saxon!
What's it about?- Poor Billy is only tying to find someone who will listen to him; too bad he wasted his time on those snotty sorority girls... they don't seem to care at all! Every time he calls and tries to pour his heart out to them, they laugh and hang up on him and just wont listen. That means they have to die.
You see, Billy lives in the attic, so it's easy for him to kill a girl, meow like a cat, then hide her body, then wait for another one to kill. He really does like meowing like a cat. He also likes to ski, but nobody ever asks him about that. Not even Agnes... Bitch.
I wont ruin the end here, but let's just say that everyone gets whats coming to them... except for Billy. Nobody got him as much as a card for the holidays.
The Good- What a creepy classic this one is. Tense, dark, and unsettling, Bob Clark made a horror movie that was years ahead of it's time. His use of shadow, odd angles, and tension in place of buckets of blood were genius for its time, and stands up even today. Not bad for a budget under a million dollars.
This film is not only a Horror classic, it was also groundbreaking when it was released; it was basically the first U.S. "Slasher movie; it used the "The calls are coming from inside the house" motif years before When a Strangers Calls did; and it was one of the first movies to show us the action from the killers POV. This movie deserves to stand alongside of Halloween, although it tends to be a footnote when the two are discussed.
Billy and his phone calls are genuinely twisted.
Buy it, watch it, love it.
The Bad- I had certain misconceptions about this movie before I saw it...
The Downright Horrendous- WTF was up with the cops at the end? I mean seriously, do we leave a girl all alone in a house where multiple murders were just committed when the killer is still at large and we haven't searched the house? That sentence was a HUGE run-on.
The Gory- There were a few on screen deaths, but they were very light on the blood. Creepy though, very creepy.
The Naked- Nope... This one was tame in that department.
Best Line- "Darling, you can't rape a townie." or "I'm going to kill you."
What did we learn?- When someone tells you to get out of the house, dont run upstairs with a fire poker.
Rating- A An all-time classic, that every horror fan should have in their collection, especially those of us that love slashers.
Final Thoughts- John Saxon Rules!
Who Can Kill a Child?
Sub-Genre- Creepy Kids
In Attendance- Me
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of creepy little kids.
What's it about?- A couple decide to take a two week vacation on some crappy little Island, only to find the place inhabited by possessed little kids.
These kids do fun, cute little things such as beating old men to death, using corpses as pinatas, molesting dead bodies, and naked hopscotch. Luckily for the couple, they don't catch on to this stuff to early in their trip, and get a chance to walk around and see the sights.
I wont spoil the ending here, but suffice it to say that one of the kids doesnt make it.
The Good- Who Can Kill a Child? is creepy; from the footage of real life war atrocities suffered by children over the opening credits, to the idea that an entire town full of kids gets possessed and kill the adults like it was a game. This movie gets under your skin and stays there, and in my case had me rooting for the adults to kill the kids, which is creepy in its own right.
It's a well made film for the 70's... and were it not for the dumb as a box of hammers main characters, I'd say it's among the best from that era. I just cant but leaving your pregnant wife alone in an abandoned town while you go around looking for, and finding creepy shit. It did add to the tension greatly though.
The Bad- So let me get this straight... You're on an island with your pregnant wife which appears deserted except for a few kids; you see a small girl cane an old man to death and then she and her friends play pinata with the body using a sickle; You tell your wife nothing is wrong, then leave her alone to rummage around in the attic; you find more dead bodies in your hotel; You find out another woman is alive and try to get to her before the kids, but are too late; you see the kids attempting to strip and rape her newly dead body... and it takes all of that before you say "We need to leave."
The Downright Horrendous- A baby killing it's mother from inside of the womb is pretty fucked up. Sickle-pinata with granddad isn't very sweet either.
The Gory- Plenty of bloody corpses are laying about; An old man gets beat to death off screen; a game of sickle-pinata; kids mowed down by a machine gun.... plenty of carnage.
The Naked- Some naked corpse boobs... nothing exciting.
Best Line- "Fuck this shit, we need to go!" Oh wait, they never said that.
What did we learn?- If weird shit starts to happen and you don't get the hell out of dodge, you deserve death; also, fuck the police.
Rating- C+ As a horror movie, I give it an A; it's creepy as hell and the premise is genuinely terrifying... however, the absolutely moronic behavior by the lead actors in the face of danger brings the film down. It's worth checking out for sure, but i guarantee you'll be yelling "Leave already!" at the screen way before they get smart enough to realize it on their own.
Final Thoughts- I would have ran every last fucking one of them over with the car.
July 26, 2008
Beyond the Darkness (Buio Omega/Blue Holocaust)
Sub-Genre- Italian Horror
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of creepy Italians...
What's it about?- It's a love story; a boy and a girl, hopelessly and unconvincingly in love, decide to have sex. They need it real bad. She's so horny in fact, that she dies before Frank can hide his sausige in her gazpacho... but that doesn't stop him!
He injects her body with his semen (to preserve her, duh), digs her up after she's buried, takes her home, sloooooooowly embalms her, then eats her heart. The he proceeds to kill a bunch of random, slutty girls, and dispose of them in horrible ways.
Iris doesn't like this, because she's a creepy bitch... she would much rather have him for herself. She loves to breastfeed him and give him the occasional handjob, but he just wont love her the way he loves that damned corpse!
Frank finally reaches his breaking point, and karate kicks Iris to the ground and calls her a slut. She tells him he'll be sorry, and turns into a bat and flies off.
I wont spoil the ending here, but what ensues next is a battle royal of crazy.
The Good- If you love gore, then this one is worth checking out. It's a typical Italian Horror flick; fairly non-nonsensical, slow moving, bizarre, unsettling, and gross.
Exploitation-master extraordinaire Joe D'Amato delivers another gem here... And by gem I mean a far less pleasant film than Ator or 120 Days of Anal ever were. I'm not making that title up either. Seriously, Google it.
Not for the weak stomached horror fan, or anyone who enjoys things that make any sense, but there is some good to be found within.
The Bad- My fingernails are still crying. Also, another "What the fuck?!?" freeze frame ending? Oh Italy... why you do this to me?
The Downright Horrendous- Sucking on Iris's tit? Seriously?
The Gory- This one is PLENTY gory. A guy embalms his girlfriend in slow, on screen fashion; A fat chick gets an acid bath; the fingernail pulling scene is especially rough to get through; Throats are bitten, cheeks are torn, eyeballs are destroyed, a nut-sack is ruined and a human heart is eaten.
*Real cadavers were rumored to be used during the filming. Ugh.
The Naked- It's European horror, of course we see some naked people! A fat chick gets naked, a hot chick gets naked, a corpse is naked throughout, and Iris makes Frank breastfeed from her old-ass tit.
Best Line- "Licky my milky!" (or something to that effect)
What did we learn?- Do not eat spaghetti while watching this movie... Or most Italian horror for that matter.
Rating- C A decent enough film, though full of flaws typical of Italian Horror, the gore quotient should satisfy most people. Give it a rent.
Final Thoughts- Why do I do this to myself?
July 21, 2008
Ok, I'm not exactly thrilled with a re-make of F13, but these pics do show some promise. Like a sucker, I know I'll go see it... at least the guys at Platinum Dunes have promised that the blood and nudity will be aplenty!
July 20, 2008
Below (2002) Sub-Genre- Haunted submarine
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla
Cast Members of Note- A bunch of great character actors like Nick Chilund, Bruce Greenwood, and Dexter Fletcher. IMDB them, and I guarantee you'll say "Oh, him!"
What's it about?- A long, hard submarine full of Seamen (oh come on, it's funny!) get more than they bargained for when they break their all male ranks and pick up a stranded chick!
The boys don't like this much (because chicks are bad luck), and neither do the spirits that begin to haunt them all. A bunch of sweaty men and one woman, all stuck below the sea in a metal tube... and their running out of body butter to boot. Add in a vengeful spirit, and panic ensues. If that isn't horror, I don't know what is.
Can they make it to fire island alive?
I wont ruin the end here, but suffice it to say that the ghost wreaks some havoc, and wait till you see what happens to the Captain!
The Good- There isn't much here that's not good; its not over the top gory, nor is it panic attack-inducing terrifying, but the atmosphere is creepy on a few different levels. The sub being haunted is handled well, but the most effective terror tool on display here is that with a supernatural force out to kill them, they are in a metal tube with nowhere to go.
The best part about Below, is that if you like submarine/war movies, this one will deliver for you. The depth charges and hook dragging will keep you on the edge of your seat.
David Twohy, the guy who brought us Pitch Black, delivers a stylish if albeit subdued movie, that takes the high road yet manages to deliver the goods. This is psychological horror in high form.
The Bad- They took too much guff off of that dame. I mean, can't you lock her up somewhere better than behind a curtain?!?
The Downright Horrendous- This.
The Gory- Not much other than a little bit of blood and some charred bodies.
The Naked- The ass of a sailor... ugh.
What did we learn?- Never let a woman on a boat...
Rating- A- Beautifully shot, directed and acted; it's tense and absorbing, and something anyone who loves a good ghost story or war picture should own.
Final Thoughts- Olivia Williams is in this.
July 19, 2008
Outpost (2008)Sub-Genre- Haunting
In Attendance- Me...
Cast Members of Note- Ray Stevenson, star of HBO's Rome and the upcoming Punisher: War Journal.
What's it about?- A bunch of mercenaries are hired to escort a sniveling scientist to an old abandoned Nazi bunker in war-torn Eastern Europe; but any hopes for killing some random village peasants are dashed when they discover the bunker to be haunted by some pissed off Nazi ghosts.
When they find some crazy machine that has to do with some kind of insane "other dimension" jazz, the hi-jinks and hilarity begin. (By hi-jinks and hilarity, I mean people start dying pretty quickly.) Have the Nazis ever thought of maybe talking things over? They might just be surprised at what a little honest discourse could accomplish.
To make matters worse, the creepy SS Officer charms his way into their hearts, only to betray them with bizarre leiderhosen and schnitzel experiments; never trust a Nazi, even if he has the face of an angel!
I wont ruin the ending here, but suffice it to say that Arbeit nicht macht frei.
The Good- This is not the average direct-to-video fare. Outpost is an effective ghost movie, with style to spare. The setting is great; a creepy old abandoned Nazi bunker in a still war-torn Eastern Europe... you can almost feel the ruin and danger that the Mercs are about to face.
For a small budget, the look of the movie is great... I especially liked the use of light and shadow in reference to the ghosts... pretty impressive. I mean when the characters spot random dead Nazi's just lurking around and staring at them, it was a bit unsettling.
There are some great genuine scares, although they come in the fashion of a more subtle and underlying danger. Atmosphere is what gives this movie its legs.
Also, Ray Stevenson is cool as always.
The Bad- Not exactly the most original of horror flicks... It got the job done though.
The Downright Horrendous- When the machine kicked in, why didn't they run like hell?!?
The Gory- This one gets pretty violent, especially toward the end. Seeing multiple Nazi Ghosts stabbing a guy to death was pretty cool. Eye violence usually works too. There is no shortage of the nastiness here.
The Naked- None whatsoever, and that's a good thing.
Best Line- "That light at the end of the tunnel ain't heaven. It's a muzzle flash" or "Oh.... You're humming my balls!"
What did we learn?- The Nazi's like H.P. Lovecraft a lot; it's good for us that the creepy shit they experimented with never worked.
Rating- B- Far from perfect, Outpost manages to deliver a solid and pretty entertaining ghost story. A rental for sure, and there are far worse things you could end up buying. Give it a shot.
Final Thoughts- Ray Stevenson rocks.
Lost Boys: The Tribe
Sub-Genre- Vampire shenanigans
In Attendance- Moi...
Cast Members of Note- Corey Feldman! And a quick cameo by Corey "The Cocaine Kid" Haim... Plus Keifer Sutherland's little brother, Angus Sutherland, as the main bloodsucker.
What's it about?- So like, a bunch of gnarly surfer dudes are vampires and such, and do some gnarly things to like these normal people... and then Mr. Hand takes away their pizza and lectures them about wasting his time or something...
Two kids, who may or may not be Michael and Starr's kids from the original, move to California after they die to stay with their lame aunt. She tries to get them to watch The Goonies and have "Back rub Night", but they instead opt to head to a party hosted by vampire surfers.
The sister gets drunk on vampire blood, acts a fool, sluts it up for Donald Sutherland's less famous son, and forces her brother to get the help of good ole' Edgar Frog. (He kills vampires for those of you too lame to not remember the first movie...)
Edgar's brother is missing (unless you watch the deleted scenes), Sam is missing (Until the credits), but he has a mortar that fires holy water balloons, and he still has his trusty tapioca slingshot. The Sutherland kid is screwed!
I wont ruin the end here, but Sam is now A Vampire.
The Good- Not too bad. The first Lost Boys being one of my all times faves, I was expecting this one to blow more than Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton on a typical coke fueled cock binge; but it didn't.
The vampires were in no way as cool as in the 1986 original, nor was the story as compelling or tight character wise, but it had its moments, and managed not to piss me off. That's a big thing. Interestingly enough, Keifer Sutherland played David in the first Lost Boys, and his little brother Angus plays the head vamp, Shane, in The Tribe.
The Corey Haim cameo might be the best part of this flick; watch the credits to catch it. A bunch of nods to the first movie were nice touches, and made it at least a fun watch.
I also love the new version of "Cry Little Sister", the classic song from the original 1986 soundtrack.
The Bad- The vampires in the first Lost Boys were just that, Lost Boys; They seemed to be kids who were plucked from their lives, bitten, and allowed to run free, raising themselves on blood and endless partying. The new ones seem like they're more along the lines of dickhead surfers. They weren't very compelling.
The Downright Horrendous- I was sad that the soundtrack sucked for the most part in this one. The 1986 original was totally rad.
The Gory- Some decent bloodletting, especially during the mass slut killing on the beach. Nothing too over the top though.
The Naked- She was fully naked:
What did we learn?- The originals are always better. Also, Corey Feldman still rules as Edgar Frog.
Rating- C- It managed not to shit on the original classic, but at the same time, it didn't come close to being as good. Still, a good effort, and just cool enough to make me want to own it for the sake of being a completest.
Final Thoughts- The new Lost Boys aren't even close to being as cool as this: