May 29, 2008

The Proverbial Horror Hottie of My Generation: Neve Campblell (Downey Syndrome's 2 cents)

That's right... Neve Campbell, or Sugar Tits as she prefers only myself and Mel Gibson (exclusively) to call her, is perhaps the defining mainstream Horror Hottie of my generation. A pioneer in the field of cheap thrills and blatant partial-nudity, she spawned what would become the Teen Angst Slasher Horror sub-genre that was prevalent in the late 90's and early 2000's. Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3 as well as The Craft (along with varied TV projects), propelled her into almost every spotlight available from 1993-2000.

Thank you for getting me through my formative years.
As far as Horror Hotties go, it doesn't get much hotter than Sugar Tits amongst the 20-something crowd... unless of course you consider Jennifer Love Hewitt (aka Jerkit McHugetits) some sort of a Horror Vixen for her brief foray into the cheap slasher market.

Yeah, she counts.
Now, I will grant you the fact that Neve's career was short lived, and she's fallen into relative obscurity as of late, resorting to appearances on television shows and obscure b-grade movies to keep working, but that's just how it goes for most actresses in Hollywood. However, her esteemed career in my angst-driven teenage years has cemented her a place in my Horror Vixen Hall of Infamy (aka Boner Town.)

No matter what she does from this point on though, one thing is for sure... Neve Campbell will always be a stone cold Hottie.

May 27, 2008

Horror Hotties: Jennifer Connelly

Jennifer Connelly, or "JC" as she has asked me to call her in my dreams, is the hottest woman on Earth who has ever had a vagina. If you don't believe me, just ask me, I'll tell you. In fact, I just did. See what I did there?

Sure, she may have only starred in a few "Horror" movies over the span of her career, and only one of them was in the new millennium (and it really sucked), but I mean, just look at her:

Restraining order or not, I'll always love her...
Her first ever starring role was in the 1985 Dario Argento classic, Phenomena (a.k.a. Creepers); it's a sweet little coming-of-age tale about a hot, hot girl attending school in Switzerland, who uses her psychic link with insects to hunt down a Giallo-style serial killer that is beheading her classmates. Throw in Donald Pleasance and an insane chimp with a straight razor, and you pretty much have perfection.

Since I was 15 when Phenomena came out, I'm allowed to say that JC was crazy hot in this one.

You creepy, hot little sassbox.
Now, I'm not saying I made love to myself countless times while watching her next movie, but I did. In fact, JC was so hot in Career Opportunities that I'm lucky I never broke my junk watching that VHS tape over and over again.

She is why I used to work at Target.
Then came Labyrinth; the movie that everyone overlooks Phenomena in favor of. It was almost a Horror movie, as it was originally called "Attack of the Rape Goblin", but they changed the title to make it more kid friendly. They played it soooo safe in the 80's!

She has no idea that rape is imminent.
In Labyrinth, she either played a babysitter or a single mother whose baby is kidnapped by David Bowie, forcing her to seek the help of The Muppets to help her steal it back... and of course kill David Bowie. It was a good movie, although I was upset that the sex scenes were all cut from the film (even though I was still able to act them all out with stuffed animals in my room.)

JC shed her innocent image after that movie, and got kind of slutty. She started smoking, having sex, and showing her boobs in every movie she could... which only served to make my love for her grow. It wasn't all rainbows and unicorns though; her worst moment on film came when she had sex with Sonny Crockett in the movie The Hot Spot. What was she thinking?

Fuck you, Don Johnson! least it looks like she brushed her teeth afterwards.
She went on to win an Academy Award playing the girlfriend of some retarded guy or something like that, and then tried to get all highbrow on us; no Horror, no random boobs, no slutty fap material... but she did star in some good movies like Inventing the Abbott's, Mullholland Falls and Requiem for a Dream. The Hulk can blow me though.*In retrospect, all of the movies that are listed here all contain random boobs and plenty of slutty fap material. No Horror though. Whatever.

Finally she returned to horror in 2005's Dark Water. Ugh. She was great as usual, but the movie was another sad, uninspired J-Horror remake, which epically failed. Let's move on. It wasn't as bad as Witchcraft 5 (which she had a tiny, tiny cameo in), but still.

What a waste of a perfectly good and wet JC...
She went on to make a few more movies until someone eventually killed her, but being the Horror Hottie that she is, she rose from the dead to live on a sexy zombie. True story. Some say it was my love for her that wouldn't let her die; some say it was only a scene in a movie. I know the truth though. I think we all do.

Turns out it was a scene in a movie.
JC has cemented her name in the hearts of Horror fans everywhere with one little Italian Horror flick in the 80's, and for that she deserves the moniker of Horror Hottie. Besides, she's a doppelganger, and that makes her a monster of sorts. Don't believe me? Feel free to explain to me then how I saw 4 of her, at one time, swimming in a private lake that I have since named "Sexual Fantasy Lake." I even have proof:

Like you wouldn't go there if you knew where It was.
The lips, the eyes, some of the best boobs ever, dat ass... She really is one of the hottest Hotties that Hollywood has ever given us, and she seems to only be getting better with age.

She was our 2nd Hottie ever featured here a THC, and she'll always beone of our faves.

Butternut shied away after his confession of love for the girl holding his reins, the wounds of her cold and disssmissive "nay" still fresh on his heart.

May 17, 2008

Review: Zombie (1979) & Zodiac (2007)

So finally, the first meeting of the The Horror Club's second branch took place. Remember, in the interests of me not having to sit through every horror movie we have twice (going A-Z), this group will be starting in reverse and working Z-A.

In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo, Chris, Christian (he shows up sometimes), and Sadie (She's a dog.)

Good luck trying to figure this one out; Italian horror is usually about as hard to follow as a butterfly on Meth. It's also just as strangely captivating. I'll give it my best shot though, because that's what I do.

When a boat drifts into the Harbor of N.Y.C., we find out that the Big Apple is now populated by lip-syncing Italians. Giuseppe and Paolo find a Zombie stowaway, and then proceed to prove that they're the worst Cops in the history of the World. Turns out the boat belongs to some scientist who has been incommunicado on a tropical island, which worries his not-really-all-that-pretty daughter, so naturally, she and some random strangers head to Ooga-booga Island to find Dad. What they find instead is a plague of Zombies unleashed by an evil native Witch Doctor, who you never see... although you hear his tribes drums playing all throughout the movie...

Needless to say, Zombie carnage ensues. I won't ruin the ending for you here, but let's just say that New York finally gets what it deserves.

Never forget.
This one is truly an all-time Zombie classic. With Zombie, Lucio Fulci delivers a great slice of Italian splatter that helped to change the landscape of Horror itself. It takes a while, but when the good stuff finally hits, it delivers the gore, flesh eating and dread, in spades. This move was banned in a bunch of countries when it cam out in 1979; it wasn't until 2005 that Great Britain's BBFC let an unedited cut be released with an 18 rating.

This movie also contains one of the most infamous scenes in Horror Movie History.

#98 on Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments
As with most Italian Horror flicks, it starts slow, is paced slow, and it can be a test to make it through the whole thing for the average person. Also, it practically makes no sense whatsoever. 

Did any girl in the 70's have boobs bigger than a B-cup? I'm just sayin'.

Zombies and sharks hate each other. Hate!

You'd think the shark would win that fight...
Zombie is an all-time classic, and a must own for both Zombie aficionado's and Horror fans in genral. Few pull off the Zombie aesthetic as well as Fulci did; when a hardcore Horror fan thinks of Zombies, they think Fulci, Romero, and then everyone else pretty much comes after that. If you're a newer Horror fan, you've got to check this one out.


Zombie is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Machine's Random Musings: He loved the part where the girl got her throat ripped out... He actually purred. Creepy bastard.

Let's go to that Island, they said.Everything will be fine, they said.
In Attendance- Me, Machine, Geo, Chris, Christian (He shows up sometimes), and Sadie (She's the dog.)  

Basically, Zodiac is a story about how inept Cops were in the 60's and 70's, and how they sucked so bad, that they let one of the most infamous Serial Killers in U.S. history pretty much go on killing and get away with it.

The gay cowboy from Brokeback Mountain is hired as a cartoonist for the "Reach-around Pass Gazette," and becomes obsessed with doing the Cop's jobs for them, setting out to catch the Zodiac Killer all on his own. The Zodiac, who seems lonely, writes letters to the Police and newspapers telling them that all he really wants is a pen pal. He says he will keep killing until he gets one, and so California is screwed because pen pals are gay.

I won't ruin the ending for you here, but it involves a burly, bald guy, some random tools and hardware, and a smoky man-look reminiscent of Brokeback Mountain.

Boo! I'm the Zodiac! Just kidding... kiss me.
Here we get the rarest of all things: a great Horror movie as well as a superbly made film all in one package. David Fincher has made his finest film to date with Zodiac, and it's brilliant in every way. From Robert Downey Jr. acting his ass off yet again, to Jake Gyllenhall making me forget all about gay cowboys, to the pacing, cinematography and even the script. Oh yeah, its creepy as shit too. Any self respecting Horror fan needs this movie in their collection.

While we're at it, let's get one thing straight here: Zodiac IS a Horror movie. It involves a Serial Killer that terrorizes an entire city with his murderous ways, and that's definitely Horrific material. All of the ass-necks out there who whine about "It's a drama, Horror has to have like scary stuff in it" need to shut up and start learning how to understand things better. That is all.

The "basement scene" in Zodiac is one of the scariest things we've ever seen. It's perfect.
I'm not sure why he didn't, but Iron Man should have used his suit to fight the Zodiac Killer. He so would have won.  

Why would you want to kill this cutie pie?

What a waste of a good cutie pie.
Never go in the fucking basement. Never, ever, fucking ever.

A tour de force in film-making, Zodiac is one hell of a thrill ride. If you haven't already, you need to see this if not own it.


Zodiac is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Machine's Random Musings: I could hear him crying inside of his leather gimp mask during this one.

That elusive bastard.